Saturday, January 31, 2009

Creativity January 31, 2009


Friday, January 30, 2009

Creativity for January 30, 2009

(Both images created on January 30, 2009.)

High-Pitched Sound

I've been somewhere that seems different than a dream. I don't think I was asleep, but I wasn't awake, either.

I remember something or someone wanting me to join them.

I was very much afraid.

I kept saying, "I can't, I can't.... not without Jim, I need Jim."

And they kept saying, "Trust, trust...."

When I came-to, I heard a high-pitched noise that continued for a long time. I got up from the bed to try to find the source of the noise when I realized it was in my own head. Even now I hear buzzing.

I wanted to journal this right away before I try to go back to sleep.

Recent Adventures

Due to loss of electricity, I've been without Internet access for a couple days. I've posted some pictures of our ice storm on my photo blog -

Also, I've made some big changes to the new blog I started. Like I said, it's less about me. This "Visions" blog is the blog of an Ego gone wild. The new blog, however, the "Spiritual University" blog, is dedicated to you and others who would like some inspiration and wisdom -

Last, but certainly not least... During the quiet of the power-outage, I grabbed my Ouija board off a high shelf and dusted off the box. I had never really been motivated to use it alone, because since the early 1990s I have tried a number of times - unsuccessfully - to get any results. The only time I've received answers from the board was during a couple camping trips with a friend. This time, I thought to myself that I'd like to try it again since I believe I've made some spiritual progress and have what you might call some new spiritual "knowledge" that could help me receive answers. I was alone with some candles in my computer room, and sat with the board for about ten minutes, about ready to give up because nothing was happening. I had asked the board, "What should I do now to make more spiritual progress?" Right before giving up, the planchette slowly began to move. It spelled one simple word, but the word is quite significant actually, as I've been having some fears about certain relationships between myself and others, as well as "others" in the spiritual realm. The word that was spelled was, "T-R-U-S-T".

Just trust.

Thank you for the guidance. I will try my best.

A Lesson from a Cat

A year ago, in the cold of winter, we took in this cat that had been hanging around our neighborhood. She had been living in cardboard boxes on the neighbor's back deck, and all the neighbors had been feeding her. Every time we arrived home in our driveway, she'd come running over to visit us, rub against our legs and eat-up all the attention she could get.

Shortly after adopting her, she showed us that she had been fooling us as her affection began to wane. She simply wanted a home and would do anything to get one! It was most unusual to me to have a cat that wasn't affectionate as our other three cats are tremendously spoiled, affectionate and needy. Sometimes, all I have to do is look at Polly and she runs off. Sometimes, however, she likes to hang around me and watch me as long as I don't touch her. She doesn't much like to be touched, but when she's sleeping, I pet her and she purrs.

Anyway, the lesson this cat has taught me is that I don't have to receive love to give love. Giving or receiving love, it's still Love.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dream Date January 27, 2009

I was standing in line for something with other people when a man walked up to me and stuck his tongue in my left ear and walked away. It made me cringe and I was wiping my ear off on my shoulder and saying, "ewwww, I hate that."

When I was at the head of the line I found myself naked, and I kneeled down on the ground to try - to the best of my ability - to cover my private parts with my hands. I was pleading with the people around me to give me some clothes, but no one was helping.

Suddenly, a man that looked almost like John Lithgow was flying around on something and came and swooped me up, covering my body with cloth, and we flew away and escaped the crowd of people in the line. We were flying down a hall when he said to me, "I've had trepanation." I looked at him as we were riding down the hall and I said, "I will never have trepanation. I know someone in England who talks about it and he is strange."

The next thing I know, I'm walking down the hall alone, no longer with the man on the flying thing. A large rat starts running down the hall toward me.

Then I find myself in a room being confronted by a psych nurse with two large syringes in her hands. She is walking toward me and I try to get away, but someone comes behind me and restrains me so the nurse can give me the shots.

The last thing I remember was that I was restrained laying face-down on a table with some sort of contraption on my head to keep it from moving, with a hard green plastic tube coming out of my open mouth. Someone takes a small saw and begins sawing away at the tube getting closer to my teeth.

I do not know if it is the same dream or not, but there is a naked woman standing who has teeth growing out of her body in random places. A man tweaks her nipple and pulls out the tooth that was in her nipple. She says to him, "Quit pulling my teeth."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Weird Question of the Day

For about a week now lights have really been bothering me. At present it is 1:00am and I'm wearing sunglasses, and STILL the monitor and lights around me are too bright. It was hard to watch a movie with my dad earlier tonight just because the t.v. screen seemed too bright, and driving home in the dark was almost impossible because of streetlights and headlights.

I'm just wondering if this is some kind of spiritual symptom or if something physical is going on.

I do not want to have to give-up my computer use but at this rate I may have to.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Life - Before and After

Some day,

We're all gonna laugh.

We'll say,

Why are you complaining

About Life being so hard?

You planned it!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


The words of mystics
Heard by a sleepwalker
Oftentimes seem like riddles
Or rantings of the mad

There is only One way
To decode the puzzle

After you have walked some
You'll find the glasses in your pocket

Put them on
And you can see

Starting to See....

I thought Jim was losing his grip, and I spent so much time not paying attention to what he was saying. All of his writings are gone now, but I found a few still saved in my Google Reader. I've been reading them, and now his words are starting to make sense to me. Still some of them confuse me, but I'm starting to grasp the enormity of what everything is about.

This is just a small clipping from a larger piece, that he wrote on September 3, 2008:

"My sweet angels of Y, you are going to find size doesn't matter, nor does volume of voice, rather you will see that it is actually power of silence that is essential, for in that tensive space is the genuine continuum speaking, a continuum that has never really gone away, but just has been covered in noise.

Lots make that mistake my dear angels, a failure of hearing and realizing deep with channels wide open and hearts hoping. Out of the darkness just witnessed at this scale, comes the light needed to realize the voice of the future on its way in the greater fabric of communicative structures, those of old and ancient cloth, those of the failed essence that has reached its time for undoing. Look forward my fine angels, for that is where the door is.

That light is already appearing thru the source, I have heard it speaking off and on today working in the source itself at the other location where it is spread wide and waiting. Angels, dear angels, she waits for us."

Dream Date January 25, 2009 - A Dream Within a Dream

In a dream in my dream I saw the following words, all in upper-case lettering, just like this:


I woke-up. (Of course I thought I really was awake, even though I wasn't.) I was laying on a couch, and as I lay there I tried to figure out the meaning of those words. What were they trying to tell me? What did they symbolize?

Later in the dream, most of the rest forgotten unfortunately, I realized that I was seeing through closed eyelids. It took me by surprise at first, to be looking around the room, seeing the furniture and everything even though my eyes were closed. Then I became excited about it, and started to laugh and have fun, waving my hand in front of my face to see it.


I was going to wait to post this until it was complete, but I can't contain myself any longer. I want to celebrate. Klaus is now down to just one or two cigarettes a day! He started to work on quitting on January 1st. I'm so proud of him.


Knight-time Projects


I have some things for you to try. Consider them wintertime projects. Some things to make you smile. :)

A Chia Pet:

I am currently growing one of these. They are a lot of fun!

Also, I absolutely adore forcing paperwhite narcissus bulbs. In the winter, have one near you to bring you good cheer. I can help you grow one by explaining how to care for them - very easy to do!

And of course sea-monkeys. (No, you're not too old to have sea-monkeys.)

To Miss a Friend

Thinking of Jim again, wishing he could see everything that's going on. I wish you all could have known Jim, some of you did. Over the course of four months, several people from the states and abroad have contacted me looking for him.

Jim didn't have a home to call his own but he gave everything he had - his heart. I pray again that he is safe.

Reminiscing about him tonight I recalled the poem he wrote for me.

My heart misses him, and I have fears about what has happened, though I try not to voice them. Right before he went missing he said he had some money and wanted to know if he could buy me anything, and now it seems like he wanted to give me a goodbye gift, but I wouldn't let him.

It's really sad when you realize how much you really love a friend, but when you realize it in its entirety, it's too late. In this, Jim taught me a lesson - that I should never take my friends for granted.

I can't put to words how much I miss him and how it hurts to not know whether or not he's OK.

So, today, maybe you can be inspired - if you have just a moment to spare - to send a letter, an email, or make a phone call, just to say "hi" to a friend you haven't talked to in a while. And also, if you pray, if you could please, say a prayer for Jim.


Out of a Dark and dreary Day, attacks and stabs did Rain,
Beat and hurt, Wounded bad, my Voice sang a Sad refrain.
God where I knew not When, nor How to get there Soon,
Just hope and Me, in deep debris, my Eyes stared at the Moon.

On keyboard Pads and lightened Screens, paths Tangled inbetween,
Computers hummed and speakers Blared, daunting voices Screamed.
Electric lights and condensors Squeezed, the words Danced in Glassy Reams,
Hopes and fears of Real live Life, spiraled round, the Written Dreams.

Ships of Songs, in Addresses long, and Dot coms of this, and that,
Rang Bells of clanging, ding dong Chimes, and Windows of Hearts, that Wept.
To myself with Letters, clicked in type, that Strung in chains, like Tunes,
Dirges mired, in Ageold tales, and Rainbows, ran Round the Silver Spoons.

"I don't know", in Thought I said, as Software, loaded long,
"I don't know, if there is for Me, any such, Electronic Song."
But Here, at Once, a Name Appeared! Bulletin from out the Blue,
"Stay, See, let me show You round, and Talk to me of Truth!"

From Whence, come, this Lovely Sound, this Invite, to glints of Day,
I was just leaving here, as Notes of Cheer, Rang Bells in Her Special Way.
"Okay, I'll Stay and See you near, Talk and maybe try to Be,
The Self I once Was, in better times, when I Was, a better me."

Keyboards Blazed with Flaming Fires of Thoughts, and Meanings flew,
She bowled me over with Hopeful Love, and unflinching, Spoke the Truth.
What forms the rapid clicking Keys, What unselfish Gifts abound,
In this Heart, this Human girl, in All this hardware, I Think I've Found?

Months and months of Talk and talk, of Emails and Comments too,
Like Solar systems and Cosmic realms, of electrons, dripping Dew.
On Earths of screens, and blinking Lights, Stars raced, round the Room,
Emails sped and Servers fled, the raging Torrents Gently crooned.

Oh, how these Times began, between Us and I found my tune so True,
How words Spoke as when I was Young, before the bullets flew.
She brought Me glee and filled My files, She lifted my Spirits high,
But Real She was, so I could Feel, her Words canceled the Ageold lies.

How Real her Life, I Feel her So, thru glass and metal frames,
I thank Her, always, for Being so, it ain't easy, to ride these Trains.
And She knows, the Journey in her Heart, She Suffers, as We do,
She Stands, and doesn't run away, takes breaks, and gets back to You.

The Whistles blow, the Rails Ring hard, the Sounds are Signs she Sees,
"Stay, See, Talk to me," She invites us quick, to come into Her Rooms.
And when we enter into those Depths, our Realness we quickly meet,
She cuts you slack, because She Knows, Forgiveness, is her Treat.

Love Life, in spite of it, let Life, Love you back,
Stand your Ground, no matter, how hard it gets to Be,
Remember long, as Long we can, Be in touch, and let Us see,
"Stay, See," and Talk with Her, may She always Talk to me.

~Jim C.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

We Get By with a Little Help from Our Friends

I regained my energy back really fast this time, thanks to some reassurance from others. I know I'm probably supposed to be doing this alone, but it seems impossible. Maybe I'm taking too much from others in the form of support for the purpose of comfort.

It seems like messages are being sent to me from all sorts of places... messages that are meant just for me. These messages are like clues to help me keep going in the right direction. They might not be direct, and sometimes seem like subtle hints. It's like God is directing the world like an orchestra, to play all the right notes at exactly the right time so I can hear them when I need to. Also, it seems like I'm being guided right where I need to be, even if the places I end up are quite terrifying. I suppose there is no such thing as adventure without hardships.

The lights seem really bright, and have been so bright sometimes I have to squint. I always feel tempted to ask, "Is this normal?"

I feel more like a child now than I can remember feeling. When you're a child, do you really feel like a child? You just are, and you have nothing to compare it to because all you've been is just a child. But when you're an adult, and you feel like a child, it stands out more and is more noticeable. Sometimes even others start to notice.

Maybe someday someone will come across this blog who needs all the information I've posted in the form of my experiences, if only just to reassure them or to provide companionship through knowing they're not alone. Others have helped me since I started this, and someday I hope I can do the same. I guess we call it "Paying it Forward".

P.S. Sychronicities are everywhere again.

Spiritual Bondage

I am afraid again.

It feels like there is a battle going on for my soul.

Part of me wants to be free, and another part wants to run back to the confines of religion. The part of me that wants to be free, is the part that has discovered new spiritual territory and feels at home there. The other part of me is telling me that it could be evil disguised as good, trying to trap me.

I would of course find comfort in hearing from anyone who has gone through these feelings on their journeys. If you're more comfortable writing in private, you can send me an email.

These feelings have been inspired by a mysterious email I've received that have me concerned.


I'm in a creative mood today.

Thank you to the creative energy that flows through me at this moment.

Weirdest Dream I've Ever Had

I simply dreamed of a phone number. 948-1088

I went to Google this morning, and typed the phone number in with my area code (xxx) 948-1088, and...

GET THIS (and I'm kinda freakin' out right now, but in a good way)

Google shows that the owner of this telephone number....


It's about four blocks down from where I live. I have never met this person or heard of them. Of all the phone numbers I could have dreamed about, I dreamed about this one.

I told my husband I wanted to call him but he thinks that's too weird and so I won't be calling or showing up on his doorstep. I do suppose that would be a little scary or weird for most people.

Religion Test

What Religion am I?

A couple times a year I take this test to see if or how my beliefs have changed over time.

Here are my current results:

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. New Age (92%)
3. Neo-Pagan (91%)
4. Hinduism (90%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (90%)
6. Liberal Quakers - Religious Society of Friends (84%)
7. New Thought (80%)
8. Sikhism (75%)
9. Taoism (74%)
10. Jainism (73%)
11. Scientology (71%)
12. Reform Judaism (65%)
13. Secular Humanism (65%)
14. Bahai (60%)
15. Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants (60%)
16. Christian Science Church of Christ, Scientist (57%)
17. Orthodox Quaker - Religious Society of Friends (56%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (56%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (56%)
20. Islam (48%)
21. Non-theist (41%)
22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (29%)
23. Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant (29%)
24. Seventh Day (25%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (19%)
26. Roman Catholic (19%)
27. Jehovahs Witness (16%)

You can take the test here:

Friday, January 23, 2009

R 1

Follow the Leader!

The Follower and the Leader...

are One!

~A Sophia Zen Moment

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

We have some reading to do.


hehehe :)

Don't Forget

When you run into spiny situations, and you feel all alone - as if you're in a barren desert - there is a special friend waiting to cheer you up.

(Photograph taken May 28, 2007, Canyon de Chelly, Arizona)


I just wanted to remind everyone of the blog I started a week ago.

It's less about me!

If anyone wants to be a team member, let me know. My intention for the new blog is to be a place where inspirational bits of wisdom are deposited to fellow trekkers. The only requirement is that you follow the Golden Rule.

Universal Faces

Everybody that's talking to me through email is the same person.

At least, that's how it feels.

I'm talking about... at least six different people seem to be the same person talking to me.

I know realistically that's not true, but that is my perception at the moment.

I don't smoke. I don't (normally) drink.

It's just fun to watch how reality keeps shifting. (Well, it's fun as long as I'm not afraid.)

Thursday, January 22, 2009


The emails I am sending to other people are ending up in my inbox!!

Is this happening to anyone else??

Also, I started getting several different newsletters from BeliefNet that they say I signed-up for, but I didn't sign-up for them. I'm not complaining, because whoever signed up for them has good taste, considering the subject matter of the various newsletters. It's just that it wasn't me that signed-up for them. And whoever signed-up for them had to have my BeliefNet password to do so. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm enjoying reading the wisdom in them.

Is my reality still here?

A real puzzle to ponder, this one.

P.S. I'm assuming at this point that the email thing is a glitch with gmail.

John McManamy

This guy is great. I just found his blog a couple hours ago:


I'm getting a lot of information.

Thank you.

Maybe Jim is out there somewhere, knowing what I'm talking about, but he is nowhere to be found.

Please protect Jim and give him my love. I hope he is safe and warm. Please don't allow him to feel lonely.

P.S. I am very sorry for the negative behavior I sometimes exhibit, especially towards friendly teachers who only wish to help. I don't know why I keep regressing to that. I realize it probably has to do with fear, and I want to overcome it.

How to Get a Depressive Out of Bed

At about 5:00pm my husband wakes me up by handing me an Amp Energy Drink and half a bowl of Chilean cherries.

I've never had an energy drink before. Nice.

I've been doing some reading thanks to Google on how to conserve spiritual energy and how to protect oneself from negative energies which can cause depression. Until I learn better how to control energies, I may stick with these powerful energy drinks in the meantime.

Dream Date January 22, 2009

I received a message in my email that said the Abremelin magic group is going to close down as there is a new group forming with a new method, but that there will still be some people available for us to contact and learn the old method from.


I do not know what Abremelin is, although I've seen the word online before.

The dream was so real that I had to spend some time sorting out whether it was real life or dream life.

Pepsi Points, Anyone?

I have a few Pepsi Points lids. Does anyone want the codes?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Oopses are OK

During the inauguration yesterday, no doubt everyone noticed the big oops that happened as the Chief Justice was guiding President Obama through the inaugural oath.

I could sense the nervousness that this had caused both the President and the Chief Justice, because had it been me up there I'd have been nervous, whether I was the President or the Chief Justice. So I put myself in their shoes to know what they must have been going through. Just being up there in front of the world would make one nervous enough, but to experience a blunder would make us want to crawl under a rock and hide.

For me, this little blooper was a wonderful example to the world that we all make mistakes, and that we shouldn't expect perfection from everyone or even ourselves. Everyone, even our leaders and teachers are human.

I also don't mind that Vice President Biden tried to crack a joke about it. It shows that our leaders can have a sense of humor, and I think our country needs some light-heartedness to lift our spirits up from the darkness and gloom we've been in for such a long time. Kind jokes have wonderful healing powers, to help ease the tension we feel because of mistakes we've made. I know that if others witness me making a mistake, I appreciate a gentle laugh which helps me to relax. This way, I am more motivated to learn from my mistake and grow, instead of wasting time feeling guilty and embarrassed about it.

Try to do the best you can. If you make a mistake, move on. If no one was harmed, it's OK to laugh about it to ease the heart and mind. Also, as you know your own potential to make mistakes, forgive others for theirs.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Contract... Expand...

The fog is starting to clear. I'm going to work on coming out again. (We seriously draw inwards at times.) Watching all the festivities today has helped, and the hopefulness I feel for the world has helped me lift up out of the fog some.

Here's a clipping someone posted in the Rosicrucianism Yahoo group I belong to. I'm not Christian, but what I want to point out with the clipping is that when it feels like all hope is lost and we're at the very bottom of the well, we can cry for God or the angels to help us, whoever or whatever God is, whether God is the Universe and beyond, or our imagination, or a wise man sitting on a throne. If God is Allah, Jesus, YHVH, Buddha, Krishna, our Higher Selves, Masters, Angels, Everything, Nothing, You, Me, it's OK to ask for help. Maybe all we need to do is finally just surrender when we can't struggle anymore.

Anyway, enough of my chat. Here's the clipping:

St. Antony the Great once was living in the desert. The demons were giving him a hard time, beat him up, left him in a coma. Eventually folks found the body and carried him to the church, planning a funeral in the morning. In the middle of the night he got up and went back to his cave. And immediately the mean and nasties were at him again. Finally he called out in desperation, "Lord, help me!" and immediately Christ appeared and the demons scattered. "Lord, where were you when I needed you?" "I was always here, but I wanted to see what you were made of. As soon as you called (rather than relying on your own struggle) I am present."

To Everyone Here and There and All Around


Friends are Valuable

I spent a long time thinking "gifted and talented" meant "odd".

When I was younger, very young, they gave me an IQ test and stuck me in some program once a week.

No one my age liked me. Kids beat me up. So, most of my friends have always been older. And it was this way all through elementary school and high school.

The point is, being alone is not any fun, and I spent years being alone. And you can continue to criticise me for my fear of being alone.

I've noticed that when the going gets tough, friends help pull me out.

Thanks for the friends who pull me out, not by giving me sympathy, but by just being there when I want to talk about the weather. And thanks to the friends who don't mind when I want my space, (and I seem to want my space rather often).

God or no God, friends are always there. And if there is a God, He/She seems to manifest - at least for me - in the form of friends.

I don't see myself having a social life outside of the Internet because I just don't think I want one, even though I've tried. It has nothing to do with being afraid of life. It's just how I want to live my life. I had enough of a social life in college, so I can say I've "been there, done that".

The Internet allows me, us, to touch each others' hearts all around the globe, and we don't need a plane ticket to do that. We're not really alone.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dream Date January 19, 2009

I was laying on the top of a bunk bed. I was staring at the ceiling, which was painted red. I took a pencil and drew a circle on the ceiling. Then I regretted drawing it because I didn't know if I'd be able to erase it without harming the paint.

My therapist was sitting at a computer in the room. She got up and walked over to me, handed a big stack of photographs to me and said, "I'm worried about you. Look through these photographs and see how happy you used to be. You've got to do something."

I looked through the photographs. There were photos of me from about four or five years ago, and I looked happy and healthy, there were also photos of me from when I was in flags in high school. In the flag photos I stood tall and proud. I cried to see myself then, because I missed her. There was a photograph of me blowing out some birthday candles, but in the photo I wasn't in focus or clear, it seemed more like I was a spirit and I was bright.


there is no spiritual journey

it is all one big psychological prank

[Update February 6, 2009 - I change my mind about that.]

Sunday, January 18, 2009

^ ~

Eros and Psyche


We Are One

I spent a couple hours watching the Presidential Inaugural celebration. It certainly pumped up the good vibes. With a motto like "We are One", why wouldn't I be pumped?

Seeing all the happy smiling people who were dancing, waving and singing felt really nice.

Dream Date January 18, 2009

Today, another dental dream:

This time I'm in my real dentist's office. I'm in the waiting room signing in at the window, but instead of sitting down I stand waiting by the door where the hygienist usually comes to call for me, because I see her getting ready to come after me anyway behind the door. No use in sitting down.

Strangely, it's Thanksgiving. (Dentists are never open on Thanksgiving!)

We walk back to the chair where the hygienist normally cleans my teeth. There is no one else back there, no other customers, but my dentist is just lounging back on the chair I normally have my teeth cleaned on. I tease him: "Hey, what's a dentist doing enjoying Thanksgiving?" He smiles and we laugh. Then he starts to get up so that I can lay back in the chair. (It was unusual seeing my dentist smile in my dream because he never smiles in real life. When my sister, neighbors and I were kids, behind his back we called him "Scary Gary Mc***** - I won't say his last name to protect his identity, but his last name rhymes with scary and Gary.) (Anyway, here I am, 30 years old, still going to the same dentist. Sense of humor or not I must like him to have stuck with him all this time. Not to mention I still have no cavities.)


This is funny....

I thought I was losing it.


I think I feel better now.

The lights are very bright.

I feel calm(er).

I don't know if I'm still afraid of being alone or not.

A Big Dream

This blog is my diary.

Enter at your own risk.

If you think you know me by what I write on my blog, you're mistaken.

What you see on this blog and who I am in the "real world" are two different people.

I'm not even who I am in the emails I write.

You wouldn't recognize me.

I speak to no one about these things.

Not one vocal word of these "subjects" comes out of my mouth.

No one could ever get me to talk about these things even if they offered to pay me a million dollars.

This is just a dream.

Everything you read on these pages comes from an over-vivid imagination of a woman who still feels like a girl sometimes.

If you want to criticize me or judge me for what is written on these blogs or in my emails, you are only criticising a dream character.


I apparently have a very strong imagination.

Could be caused by stress.

Nothing is wrong here!

It reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a child....

A babysitter had put my younger sister and I to bed.

I was laying on the top bunk.

On the wall in front of me there were these giant black things crawling all over the wall.

I screamed.

The babysitter came running into the room to inquire as to what could be wrong.

I told her there were giant spiders on the wall.

She went to the window and closed the pull-down blind.

It turned out the leaves on the tree outside the window had created shadows on the wall.

No spiders.

No spooky things.


I haven't mentioned it to anyone until now, but a week ago I had a horrible nightmare that frightened me terribly.

There were demons in the dream, and a being that had horns.

A man was being raped by a demon and had become impregnated by the demon so that he was giving birth to demons eventually.

And then, I turned around and saw a naked woman bound onto a table, on her back, gyrating up and down on something that was cutting her badly between the legs, making her bleed. I was very disturbed.

The dream disturbed me and still does.


I miss Jim.

Jim, I'm sorry for taking you for granted.

This Way or That Way

I tell my husband I want to go to church tomorrow.

He says, "Oh my God. Please stop."

I haven't been to church since I was very young.

I feel like my soul is in trouble.

I don't know which religion is the right religion.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong.

I don't want to be damned.

I worry that it might be the devil persuading me.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dream Date January 17, 2009

I was going into a dental office to get a filling. I walked to the glass window that surrounds the office and spoke to a woman behind the window. I told her I was there for the filling. She said that it was too late in the day for a filling, and I replied, "But you told me on the phone that I could come in. I wouldn't have driven all the way here if you hadn't told me that." So, they grabbed a female employee just as she was getting ready to go home. She already had her coat on and a drink cup in her hand. They told her to give me the filling, and I looked at her and said, "Wait a second, do I really want you to give me a filling when you're wanting to get out of here?" (What I meant was, I didn't want someone to drill on my tooth if they were in a hurry!)


I was in the back seat of a car, sucking on a small lollipop. There was someone else in the back with me, maybe it was my sister, but I can't remember for sure. My dad was the driver and he was taking us to one of his friend's house. The man came out of his house and went to the car to talk to us. My dad talked to me like I was a little girl, and so the man also talked to me the same way. I said to the man, "Excuse me, but do you know how old I am? I'm 30." He looked surprised, but I wanted him to know my age so he would stop talking to me like I was a young girl.


I am in a large vehicle. I think it is a big bus. Outside the window there is an animal that is tied to the bus by rope. It turns out it's a big white bull and he has big white horns. He's running so hard back and forth along the side of the bus, pulling on the ropes really hard, making the bus shake. Two other white animals show up, one is a unicorn, the other I can't remember. They are also tied up. I become afraid that the violent bull will hurt the unicorn, so I grab the rope that binds the unicorn and I pull it to get it away from the bull.

Friday, January 16, 2009

New Project

I'm starting a new blog project.

Hopefully it will be more useful.

Word Salad

Eyes closed.

Find something to focus on, gotta get mind to shut up.

My breathing? Or the sounds around me....

Just be still.

At first, nothing.


Lighter, darker, lighter, darker, alternating, like a pulse.

Look up, eyes still closed, to the center of the forehead.


A photograph of a couple, man and woman, in their 30s.

A simple symbol, looks like a peace sign without the circle. An airplane?


Birthday candles.



Now it looks like an airplane heading straight towards me.

In Response to Anonymous

I really am sorry for any self-absorption on my part, and any showiness of myself.

I don't know what my excuse is.

The real world scares me and I want to make it seem like a nice world. To know that people are dying, fighting, starving, sick, hating, killing, stealing, children losing their lives, people losing their homes, moms who worry if there will be enough food on the table for their children, dads losing their pride when they lose their jobs and feel like they can't support their families, people who can't afford to get good medical help, people fighting over land or even fighting over God....

I cry for this world. I think by focusing on my small problems the real big problems of the world somehow don't seem to exist.

Sometimes I wish I could save the world, and I close my eyes and imagine the entire planet earth becomes surrounded by light and loving energy, kind of like a protective shield. What can I do besides love and pray? I feel so small. I am small. I think all I can do is stick together with others who love each other, because there is strength in number. That is why I'm afraid to be alone.

Dream Date January 16, 2009

I went to bed at about 5:00am. Before falling asleep I prayed and asked for a dream to learn from.

In my dream, I had with me two books. One was a dark blue book called "American Slaves". The second book was a color similar to teal, and on it was a simple illustration of a man tied at the wrists laying on the ground. The caption of the illustration said, "A man being harangued." I got on top of the hood of a vehicle and laid on my stomach to read the books. My cat Pancho was there with me, and was rubbing against me as I was trying to read.

There could be some other meaning to this dream, but I think it is more information related to a previous life of mine in which I was a slave in Alabama, in 1832, named Beatrice. I don't have any memories of that life, but that information came to me on the Ouija board, and I think it's our subconscious that causes the planchette to move.

Dream Date January 15, 2009

A large slice of one of my molars had cracked off. It looked like a cross-section of a tooth, but it was larger than a tooth would be in real life. It looked smooth and polished. I was going to take the piece to a dentist to see if he could somehow reattach it to my tooth.

Visions from December 4, 2008

I had these visions on December 4, 2008, but I only told one close friend about them. I wasn't really planning on putting them on my blog but now it doesn't seem to bother me so much to do so.

This is word-for-word what I sent him:

I had some interesting visions while falling asleep tonight. The first was a big triangle and it stayed in my sight for a long time, becoming more and more prominent with time, and then I saw a naked women nailed to a cross kind of like Jesus. Then I saw a man wearing a blue jacket/coat standing outside, nothing special about him it was just kind of like seeing a stranger. Sometime later I started to see this little bluish light fluttering around behind my eyelids.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Easy Does It....

The synchronicities that are happening to me are unbelievable. I have no one to talk to about these things without fear of being judged.

I'm sorry that I'm not responding to comments. I am reading them, each one very carefully.

Let's stick together no matter what.


I'm just trying to find my balance again, so I'm sorry for any weird behavior from me. Today, for instance, in order to pull myself out of the fatigue of depression, I kinda OD'ed on caffeine. That can do all kinds of things even to the most sane and stable person.

I also felt extremely overwhelmed because a good friend of mine was starting to get upset with me for not spending all my free time with them. Thus the whole reason for the "No one owns me" comment. I don't want anyone to have expectations of me. I hope someday I can become strong enough to give everyone what they want or need, or to at least have the ability to make people happy.

If you've been reading my blog for some time you know by now I'm not the most sane person in the world, but I think I'm unpredictable and maybe that's a good thing?

I'm still looking for the door with the sign that says, "Home Sweet Home".

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Music Compositions

These are some music files I created. They are midi so they won't take much time to download. They were played on my cheap midi keyboard and recorded on the computer using Cakewalk software. There is no editing done on these files - as I never took the time to learn Cakewalk besides the basics - so the quality isn't that great and there are lots of mistakes, in fact, one or two of them don't even have an ending. There are no cool back-up effects; this is just raw electronic keyboard sound, i.e. "plain".

I never finished it, but I was once composing a small minuet. You can hear how unfinished it is by the abrupt ending.

Unnamed Minuet - Sophia W.

In this second file I was improvising (i.e. playing around or exploring):

Improvisation #1 - "Nature" - Sophia W.

This last file is another improvisation. The beginning is kinda rough as I was just looking for the right feeling.

Improvisation #2 - Unnamed - Sophia W.


No one owns me!

Dream Date January 14, 2009

Again, before falling asleep last night, I prayed to the Masters, the Universe, Guides or Angels to allow me to have dreams that I could learn from.

In the dream, I had a few pieces of real silver forks and knives. I laid them on the grass but someone stepped on them, breaking some of them. When I looked down to see some of them broken, I was disappointed at first, but then I knelt down to pick them up and said, "Oh, well."


I'm a bit sensitive to destructive criticism, and when criticized I spend much time focusing on it and feeling hurt. I should say here that constructive criticism doesn't seem to bother me as much and can actually be quite useful to me. But straight destructive criticism absolutely gets to me.

In my dream, the person stepping on my silverware is the destructive critic, breaking me. But, while I was initially hurt, I managed to bend down, pick them up, and flippantly say, "Oh, well." Which I think means I am able to pick up the pieces and move on.

This dream very strongly reminds me of the Stevie Nicks song called "Gold Dust Woman" because of one of the only lines in the song that I know - the line about picking up your pieces and going home. Googling the lyrics, I see the song also mentions a silver spoon.

Rock on--gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon,
And dig your grave

Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray

Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise--loves--to go down
Lousy lovers--pick their prey
But they never cry out loud

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.

Rock on--ancient queen
Follow those who pale
In your shadow

Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.




Tuesday, January 13, 2009

For Now at Least....

The whole picture thing was an attempt on my part to pump myself back up.

I don't have any energy right now to continue with frequent email correspondences, so I'm sorry to my friends whose feelings I have hurt by my frequent incommunicado states. They have nothing to do with you personally. I'm just tired. I'll resume when/if the energy returns.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Didn't Know it was That Bad....

Do I annoy anyone else?

Here's your chance to tell me. Since I allow anonymous comments on this blog, you can speak your mind without fear.

What about my personality would you change?

Synchronicity - a Gift

Early yesterday morning I was playing Scrabble with Klaus. While playing, I received an email from Knight. The subject field of the email was entitled, "Zoll", which is a German word. Not knowing the meaning, I went to the translator that I use and typed in the word. The English translation it gave me was "Give". The same moment that I translated the word, Klaus made a move in Scrabble. The word he formed was, "Give".

Now, the interesting thing to note, is that the translation the website gave me isn't correct. "Zoll", Knight said, means "Duty". So, the synchronicity, then, is extra special to me.

To give is my duty?

Photo Focus

Bored. Working on a picture show, playing around -

Surfing and the sun......

Hang gliding.... Ice.... Brazilian woodpeckers.... me.... felines and canines....


Life then and now.....

Fairies living in forests of fungi.....

It's just another manic Monday.....

Swimming to the Light

Sea-Monkeys are attracted to the light.

Maybe they should call them Seek Monkeys.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Nothing a Game of Scrabble Won't Fix

After Experian "solved" the mistake they made by merging someone else's report with mine, I went to check the new report they sent me and it's still all messed up with someone else's problems. It's really hard not to focus on this right now. I had a good cry for the person with the bad credit, my family, the economy, the wars, me.

In my daydreams I save the world.

I think maybe a game of Scrabble with Klaus might be good for me.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Welcome to the Rest of the World (Or Maybe, Welcome to Reality?)

I've had a wake-up call today, a serious one at that, that perhaps places me within the same realm of worries as the rest of the world right now. I thought about keeping the incident off the blog because I don't think anyone wants to hear about my worries, especially when right now everyone else has their own. Maybe my "problem" is only a little-itty-bitty-Sophia problem, even though to me it seems like an end-of-the-world problem. But I have to moan and groan about it because it makes me feel better, instead of holding it inside feeling like a balloon about to pop under pressure.

Basically, the good credit that I've worked hard to build over the 12 years since my 18th birthday has just gone to pot, all because of a mistake made by the Experian credit reporting agency. They merged someone else's report in with mine because of a typing error. The other person's Social Security number was one digit different than mine. This person has horrible credit, with over $10,000 in write-offs or collection agency accounts. It all ended on my credit report, and I didn't know it until I received three letters in the mail from various credit card companies informing me that they closed my accounts due to "delinquent credit accounts" found on the Experian report. Naturally, I called Experian and they removed the other person's information off my account, but the credit card companies that took their credit lines away from me will not replace the credit because they said I wasn't making use of all the limit. I had a very good balance to limit ratio which made my score look good, and now my balance and limit are almost the same. I was just getting ready to refinance my house so I could have more affordable monthly payments. Also, it was nice to have a little bit of credit in case of emergency.

I'm trying to remind myself that other people have bigger problems - well, the whole world has problems, actually. I'm trying to keep my problems in perspective, it just seems like the nice little world I was living in - Sophia's World - has just crumbled.

I don't like that something as materialistic as a credit score can affect me so much as to take my focus away from spirituality.

I'm trying to accept this lesson. It's a hard one. I know I should thank the Universe for showing me what other people are going through right now.

Throughout the latter part of today I've been hearing in the back of my mind, a famous phrase by Meher Baba, "Don't worry; be happy."

Dream Date January 9, 2009

I've had a lot to say today. That's always a good sign. After I get all situated for the evening I'll come back and respond to comments and hopefully catch-up with my friends. Before I get some things done around the house, though, I wanted to post a short dream I had.

Last night, in real life, I exchanged a few messages with a friend of mine that lives in the Middle East. Maybe that inspired the dream I had this morning, in which I was looking at a portrait of him and felt lots of love radiating out of the image. It reminded me of the love I sometimes feel when I look at images of Meher Baba. When I awoke, I laid there and enjoyed the remainder of the feelings of spiritual love before it faded away.

New Photos and Videos Uploaded - Cicadas

I posted some photos and videos on my photo blog of the cicadas that were here in 2004. If images of insects creep you out, you may not want to go take a look.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dream Date January 8, 2009 and Other Goings-on

I was going into a bedroom and closed the door to be alone in order to do something personal. As I was laying on the bed, I noticed a leak in the ceiling, and water was dripping onto the wooden dresser beneath - drip, drip, drip - and a small puddle was starting to form there. My sister - who in real life is two years younger but sometimes acts much older - came into the room, stood on top of the dresser and put some kind of putty on the hole in the ceiling to stop the leak.

The ceiling might represent higher consciousness. But I don't know what the leak might mean.


Since I can't figure this dream out, I guess I'll just keep trying to figure out why the top ice tray in my freezer had a stalagmite forming on one of the cubes. To the best of my knowledge, there is no water that forms on the ceiling of the freezer.


There has been an orb that has now shown up in two different photos taken in my house, both in different rooms.


It is very dangerous for my husband to make cookie dough and leave it unattended as he goes off to do something else before baking it.


Has anything strange or unusual happened to any of you lately?

Milky Vision

Earlier last night I took a nap. (I maintain an unusual day/night rhythm.) Before falling asleep, I asked God/Universe/Guides/Masters/Angels to give me dreams that I could learn from. I do not recall any dreams that I had while sleeping. However, after awakening from the nap I lay in bed for a little while. I had a vision in which I was sticking my nose to the opening of a half-gallon of milk, smelling it to make sure it was still good.

Contemplating and pondering on what this could mean, the first thing I could think of is that milk, being white, is a symbol of purity. The Divine is pure. On my path I seek to have a lasting union with the Divine. By smelling the milk, could I possibly be checking myself and wondering if my spiritual progress and quality is good or not?

Unfortunately the vision faded before I could determine whether or not the milk was good or spoiled.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

To a Good Friend

I have a friend, whose heart I hold dear, who knows we're never too old to make-believe. It is for you that I have created this piece of fractal art, and to everyone who dreams.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

To Love the Master as God

Earlier I made a post asking how one can tell a true Master from a false Master. In the writings of Meher Baba there are some mentionings of what a Master is and does.

Now the question is, with so many Masters to choose from, alive or dead, famous or private, how do we choose, and should we give-up hope of working personally with a real Master?

Maybe, hoping to work one-on-one is merely the ego's desire for attention. What do you think?

THE Masters are absolutely impersonal and universal in their state of consciousness; but they can for their spiritual purpose limit the scope of their work and also allow their manifested personality to become the centre of the aspirations of their disciples. They use personal relationships as well-defined channels to pass on their help to those aspirants who get connected with them. The Masters are always on the look out for those who need and deserve their help and the faintest gleams of spiritual yearnings are not overlooked by them.

Establishing an Abiding Reality

The first chapter of Meher Baba's _Discourses_ sums up the journey to Truth quite nicely, I think:

CONSCIOUSLY or unconsciously, every living creature seeks one thing. In the lower forms of life and in less advanced human beings, the quest is unconscious; in advanced human beings, it is conscious. The object of the quest is called by many names—happiness, peace, freedom, truth, love, perfection, Self-realization, God-realization, union with God. Essentially, it is a search for all of these, but in a special way. Everyone has moments of happiness, glimpses of truth, fleeting experiences of union with God; what they want is to make them permanent. They want to establish an abiding reality in the midst of constant change.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Visions of Half-Sleep

Some visions appeared as I lay in the bed trying to fall asleep. Falling asleep proved futile but at least I had some visuals.

1. A dead bird lay on its back on a napkin in someone's hand. It was wet, and I assume it had drowned.

2. I was trying to open a door but the handle came off in my hand.

3. I was a young unmarried Middle Eastern woman. I was in a room alone with an unmarried young man, and we were unsupervised. My parents caught us and my father said he would beat me.

Just trying to interpret these, I came-up with some ideas, but there are probably multitudes of meanings for them. Here are the ones I came up with shortly after having the visions:

1. As I've been feeling depressed lately, I feel as if I've sunken when before I was flying high as a bird, spiritually.

2. Perhaps I don't have a handle on things.

2b. Another variation on #2 - earlier I had been reading a chapter about Aldous Huxley, and it talked about his book _The Doors of Perception_. Perhaps the door to Reality cannot be opened by conventional means.

3. I do not have any ideas about this one.

I will write more later, to my friends through email and also in the comments. Just waiting for something interesting to say....

Friday, January 2, 2009

Why I'm Kinda Missing....

In case anyone is wondering why I'm not responding to emails in a timely manner, or that my blog has been kind of dry lately, the short of it is that I'm going through another bout of depression. I don't know how long it will last this time around, so all I can do is wait it out.

I'm not feeling very spiritual right now, as much as I long for that feeling.

So, that's my excuse. I'll be back to normal sometime so just wait for me, please.