Monday, February 23, 2009

Indescribable, Inexpressible Life

How can I, a simple woman
Who is not a poet
Write a poem
About the most poetic thing of all?

How can I
Write a poem
About Life?

All the words of the world
are at my disposal.
Yet when I sit down to write,
I am speechless.

My hands, my tongue
Are not capable of saying
What my soul alone
Can express.

To know what words
I long to say but cannot,
You'll have to use a sense
That in a sense
You're not used to using.

You'll have to learn to listen again,
Not with your ears,
Not with your mind,
But with a faculty you had
Long before you were born.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

More Merging

This time I'm talking about merging on a smaller scale, but maybe what I'm doing is symbolic somehow of the big big BIG merging I was talking about earlier.

I'm taking my old blog and merging it with this one so that any patterns in possible growth can be more easily seen. By growth, I mean, how has my awareness of the spiritual realm changed over the years. What did enlightenment mean to me in say, 2005, and what does it mean to me now. How have I grown personally; have I made any improvements, made any changes, etc.

So, if you notice the archives have almost just doubled in size, that's why. The old and new are becoming one.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Pet Loss

After you've had your pet put to sleep, do you ever get over the mourning process? I am still finding it dreadful in that I keep finding myself doing things in the expectation that Princess is going to be here. For instance, just a moment ago I looked at the clock and said to myself, "In half an hour I need to feed Princess." But then it hit me - very sadly - that I don't have a Princess to wake-up to feed. In other words, how long will it take before my Princess-based habits subside?

Other than that, I am surprised at how well I am handling her death. My reaction has far exceeded my expectations and shows that I am making improvements in my self-control. A few times I have had some crying spells, but I am not obsessing on it. The most dramatic I've been was when we were in the vet's room, watching her leave us. I kept talking to her to make sure she knew we loved her, that we thanked her for her presence in our life, that it was OK to go home, that we'd never forget her. I talked to her until I was sure she was gone. (And it took me a little while to grasp that she really was gone. I even had to ask the vet if she was really gone.) I am sure the vet and his assistants thought I was nuts, but I didn't want to leave those words unsaid simply because I was worried about what other people thought of me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


The Ego is like a cloud;
it blocks the Sun
from shining on what
needs Light to Be.

(P.S. (update) - I just realized that I did not properly center the image. Noticing such things, I think, is another trait of the ego. Perhaps, by refusing to center it, I am learning acceptance.)

Dream Date February 16, 2009

Unfortunately I waited too long to type out my dream, so most of it is forgotten. These are just some fragments that I remember:

I am out in public with another woman my age, and the top half of me is nude. I cross my arms over my chest to cover my breasts as best I can with my hands.

In the food court of a mall or public place, I walk-up (still half-nude) to the counter of a Little Caesar's pizza place. I think I remember ordering some pizza, but I definitely remember ordering some Crazy Bread.

I get a phone call on my cell phone from my boss (an unknown dream boss, from an unknown dream job I had). He asks me, "What have you been doing for learning?" I remember that I was getting ready to respond with, "Well, I've been doing some learning on my own."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

It's a little late in the day, but...

Happy Valentine's Day

To all my Valentines!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dream Date February 13, 2009

First dream:

I am crawling along a sidewalk looking down at the ground and all the little things laying on the ground, mostly pebbles. After some time I come to the front of a house where there are these dark purple pebbles with little glowing blue lights inside them. I grab one to take with me. I see the owner of the house outside and I say to him, "Is it alright with you if I take one of your rocks? I wanted to ask first, because I wouldn't feel right just taking it." He says that I can have it.

Note: For as long as I can remember I've always been attracted to shiny or glittering rocks, especially crystals, geodes, etc.


This next dream is a little bit graphic, so if graphic things disturb you, you may wish to skip reading this dream.

I am being initiated into a group. (I don't know what kind of group it is.) In order to be initiated, I have to go through some kind of hazing ritual. It is going to be painful, even bloody, but I subject myself to it out of a desire to belong to the group. A man grabs my hair and I am on my knees in front of him. He takes a quarter and begins rubbing lines into my scalp with its edge. Back and forth, hard, until I am bleeding. When he is done there are lines running from the front of my head to midway and they are bleeding; I am crying. After it is over, in order to be comforted I embrace the man who did the hazing.

Note: I never belonged to a sorority when I was in college, so I never went through any kind of hazing rituals.

More Symptoms

Just journaling some more symptoms I've been experiencing lately. You may remember the migraine I had for the first time in my life just recently, and also that I've been extremely sensitive to light.

Last night the head pain came back. It's different from any kind of headache I've ever had. Normally when I get headaches, they will be in the temple area. But these new headaches are all over the top of my head, and there is a lot of pressure. It hurts so bad I sometimes think I could find relief by banging my head on the wall!

I've been taking aspirin, Aleve, ibuprofen and others to try to rid myself of these headaches but to no avail. (Also, my helpful husband has been rubbing the top of my head to help alleviate the pain.)

At this point I'm trying to figure out if this is a spiritual symptom. The more my head hurts, the more the lights hurt my eyes or vice versa.

I am reminded of the dream I had on January 28th about trepanation, where a man told me he had had trepanation and I said to him, "I'll never have trepanation." Maybe the dream was foretelling that I'd start to have these feelings in my head as if my brain was getting too big for my skull.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Merging

So, my question is.... what is supposed to happen when the two minds merge?

How will we know when it happens?

How do I know it hasn't already happened?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Regarding the Spiritual Journey

"If it wasn't difficult, you wouldn't value it."

That was a message I received in my head just now as I was laying in bed after sleep.

I think this is why some spiritual Teachers or schools charge lots of money, because if spiritual knowledge or wisdom was just given to someone, they might take it for granted, might not be appreciative of it. Since I can't hire a Teacher or afford to be a member of a school, I am required to pay for my growth in other ways, one of which may include suffering.

Dream Date February 10, 2009

I am wearing a long yellow dress; it is made of cotton and is a summer casual dress, no sleeves. I am outside at a gathering, perhaps a picnic but I can't remember. A man tells me that I look good in the dress.


As I was laying down later in the night, meditating in a way, I came up with a possible interpretation for the morning's dream - I feel that yellow is a happy color, a feel good color. Lately I've been feeling pretty good. The man was telling me that he thinks happiness looks good on me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Snapshots of Life

Photographs from a Long Strange Trip Called Life

I took some of my favorite photos that I've taken over the past few years and put them into an album. Click the image above to venture that way.

If you have any questions about any of the photos, feel free to ask.

Beauty here, beauty there, beauty everywhere.


Monday, February 9, 2009

Pure Love

''I pass by these walls, the walls of Layla
And I kiss this wall and that wall
It’s not Love of the houses that has taken my heart
But of the One who dwells in those houses"

~Qays ibn al-Mulawwah

For My Love

The urge I feel strongest
Is to surrender
And give myself to my Love

To forget myself
To lose myself

This is my need
My thirst
My hunger

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Know...

I've got friends in high places.

Clairwood Message

As I was lying in the bed a while ago, I received a message in my head. It said, "Welcome to the edge of Clairwood."

I did a Google search for "welcome to the edge of Clairwood" but I'm not seeing anything. I've never heard of a Clairwood before.

I'm going to try other variations of the spelling.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

I Can't Contain My Excitement Any Longer...

Life is sooooooo magical!!!

Orpheus and Eurydice

Human/Internet Symbiosis

I've heard it said
by a few confused people
that you only meet
weirdos on the Internet.

some of the most amazing,
I've ever known
I met online.

The Internet evolves with us.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Dream Date February 6, 2009

Dream #1:

I was walking along a beach, and I noticed that there were wet books lying here and there in the sand. The tide was bringing books in and distributing them along the beach. I grabbed one of them, a hardback book. I can't remember the title.

Dream #2:

I was having a discussion with others, and I was telling them that I can't get motivated to exercise unless I have a personal trainer.

In Thirty Years?

What if it will take
Another thirty years
For me to reach perfection
But I don't get the chance
To live another thirty years?

The Urge to Serve?

What does one do
When one feels
The urge to help awaken
When one is not
Awake themselves?


The road to perfection
Is not an easy road.

It is riddled with disappointment,

Can a human ever achieve
When it is said
That to be human
Is to be imperfect?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Spreading Some Joy

A friend said today that he could feel my pain when he visits my blog. I don't want anyone to feel pain when they come here. So, to make up for all the bad vibes I've sent out, I'd like for you to have this.

There are a lot of my friends feeling down right now, and other people I don't know.

Please smile. OK?

Sticking Together

All that apathy that I was worried about, and the weird full-headed feeling I was having culminated into a big migraine that lasted all of yesterday evening and night well into this morning. I've never had a migraine before now, but I think all the weird feelings I've been having were being caused by whatever was going on inside my head. Now the migraine is gone and I feel better. Now that I think about it, all that sensitivity I was experiencing to light could also be explained by this.

Some of my friends are experiencing rough times lately, mostly depression and also another is experiencing some spiritual doubt. Cookiemouse mentioned that some of his friends are going through rough times. I am wondering if this harsh winter weather is to blame. It has been unrelenting. Also, the condition of the world's economy is no doubt playing a big role.

I think the whole world is going through a depression, and I'm not talking about just an economical depression; I'm talking about an emotional depression.

It's important that we all stick together through this. I know I'm carrying around a lot of my own negative energy - and possibly spreading it (I hope not) - but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry for the false alarm, and sorry for pushing away anyone that I pushed away. I am not giving up. By the way, if I ever really do stop posting to this blog, I won't close it down.

I love you all. You're always here for me, and you accept me as I am in spite of some serious flaws. To me, that is unconditional love and friendship. I want you to know that I'll always be here for you, too.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Blog Edit

I'm just removing some evidence of negative energy I was carrying from my blog. That's why this post disappeared.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

More on Apathy

In an earlier post I briefly mentioned apathy. I mentioned it because that is what I thought I was "feeling". In a way it has me concerned because I feel like I don't have any emotions about much of anything. It feels like my head has been removed from my body or something. It's very hard to explain. And actually, my head has a "full" feeling, or maybe it's an "empty" feeling. I can't describe it.

To summarize things, it just seems like my emotions have disappeared. Before, I would struggle to be in the company of others online, perhaps as comfort or to keep from feeling lonely. Now it seems, that if I had to live in a world alone I'd be just fine.

It's possible it's some mental symptom I'm going through, related to being bipolar or from some glitch in the medications, or maybe I've got some kind of flu or virus.

I am just waiting to see if this is a phase. It seems very unusual to me, very unlike me. I don't want my passion for life, spirituality or people to disappear.

For Jim

Jim is a Soul Mate.

Mystical Magnetism


Is it normal
to feel

Astral Bubbles at Every Corner

Monday, February 2, 2009

Spiritual Communication

I used another one of my fractals and made a color cycle animation.

Hit "play" and watch. (Have your speakers turned on.)

Maybe it will inspire you to to have some Spiritual Communication.

Fractal Dance

I took one of the fractals I created today and animated it. This is a lengthy process. The video is compressed so the quality is not the best. (The higher the quality, the longer it takes to render!)

Let's Mingle...

... and get to know one another.

For My Love

I love You.
Do you know who your Love is?

It's Just You and Me, Now

Wouldn't You Know...

"Truth is stranger than fiction."
~Mark Twain

La La Land - It's Where I Go Sometimes

Cosmic Mind

Here We Are

We're Trippin' Together
Somewhere in Between
Here or There
(Image created February 2, 2009.)

Us, Leaving Home, Coming Here

(Image created February 2, 2009.)

Soul Mates

Some of you are my soul mates.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


The past couple days I've experienced some weakness, light-headedness and some fatigue, but this time the fatigue doesn't seem to be related to depression as I've been free of depression for a short while again. Definitely, though, the weakness and light-headedness are somewhat severe; I feel like I will pass out.

I don't know that these are health issues. I think they are symptoms related to all the shifts that have been happening lately.

I still remain clueless to everything, although I know something is going on on a higher level. I don't know why, though, because I don't practice meditation or anything. I have no spiritual practices. I just have ideas.

P.S. I apologize to some of my friends for slowing down email correspondence. It will pick-up again. Thanks for your patience.