Saturday, July 31, 2010

If You Are Out There....

bettie laurena...

...if you are reading my blog....
....please contact me....

....need help about projections....

....i'm sorry i pushed you away....
....i believe you.....
....i want to push everyone away....
....but not really.....
....i can't reach you on Facebook....

I'm Back

i have returned
to reality

I Said Goodbye

...i said goodbye
because i pinched myself
and didn't feel it

Why It's Make Believe is make-believe
because every ego
puts on a show.
everyone we love
is a projection.
who is real?

The Truth

...the truth... that it's all

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Secret Garden - Sona - Final Fantasy VIII, X & X-2

Keep an Eye on Your Heart, Or...

my heart is 475 miles away
and i don't think there is
any way to get it back.
it left when i wasn't looking.

Take that - Rule The World [Lyrics]

In my place- Coldplay (with lyrics)


let me crawl into my hole
-i feel too weak to deal with things
and i don't have the strength
that you imagine i have.
climbing walls
makes me tired.
when celestial powers
were handing out
fortitude to incoming souls,
i got the short end of the stick.
i'm sorry - forgive me.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Happy Day

my long lost friend
from high school,
a foreign exchange
student from Iceland,
contacted me on Facebook today.
this is a nice surprise
for me because we spent
lots of time together.
we went to lots of
SCA events and
spent nights together.
we were close
and stayed in contact
through snail mail
after her return home
for some time until
losing contact.
for years i couldn't find her.
to know that she remembered
me and thought to find me on
facebook really made my day.
i love facebook.

You Could Be My Unintended

the lyrics to the video in my last post.

certainly worth pointing out.....


You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She [he] could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

Morgana Arthur - Unintended

Selena - I Could Fall In Love

Monday, July 26, 2010

Truth That Matters

i love my M***** R.
in this world,
that is all that matters.
with that,
i can make it through anything,
and indeed,
every day looks brighter.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Dream On

"I'm a hero who just found you..."

Yes you are.


Never Mind

please ignore my previous posts...
...i am not interested in absinthe

....must focus....

Explaining My Last Post

i think i befuddled some readers
with my previous post

perhaps i didn't word it correctly

what i wanted to do was
ask my readers to tell me
what the best brand of absinthe is
because i want to try some

i want the absinthe that
will make me hallucinate

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wanting a New Adventure

what's the best absinthe i can get?
one that will make me hallucinate.


no one has ever fought so hard for my cause in my entire life.
i feel i must be sleeping, or dreaming.
all day and all night, not an emotion to speak of..
... cold.... apathy.... numb.....
but one word from my champion and i feel again.
he gives me hope, even when i say there is none.
he gives me courage, even when i think i have none.
each time i fall, he's right there to lift me up.
i pray to God that i can have the strength
to accomplish all that my champion believes i can.
no matter what happens...
it's nice just having someone believe in me.


if you get too close to me,
i will only hurt you.

The Beatles - Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End / Her Majesty

Friday, July 23, 2010

Numb, But Not Comfortably

today = lack of feeling

i hope it goes away

wouldn't any feeling
be better than no feeling
if only to remind one
that one is alive?
this is not even
a state of depression.
it's a state of nothingness.
i feel no love for anyone.
i feel turned on by nothing.
i do not feel sad
and i do not feel happy.

am i unresponsive?
or is this a type of
non-response response
to distress?
others will think me careless.
i feel careless
yet i know my core cares.

no emotion is put
into this blog post
because i don't feel
any emotion at all.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


"you are not here"....
... it's been said to me
many times....
that i am "not here".... where am i? i ask...
...."not here".... they say
...i'm a girl who drifts...
but i only go to where
i've longed to be

A Smile's Secret Source

in a sea of blue,
what he allowed her
to give to him
made her shine.

Can't Sleep


Monday, July 19, 2010


----this time
....there is no doubt....
....there is no question....

....everything before
was only preparation
or a stumbling....

her whole life
she looked up
a higher power...
looking to gods
or lesser men she knows
the higher power
that she sought
....and it is not
a fairy tale
from the sky

---no more stumbling
no more fumbling----
from this moment on,
only devotion

The First

---the first to understand
to know
to intuit
her psychology
her physiology
---to know

The Lover and the Beloved - Donna Delory

Spirit Healing Chants part 3

Don't Waste Time

Let's not say goodbye to the world without saying hello to each other.
In the blink of an eye it could all be gone.
Eternal regret is not something I wish to feel.

Fallen Flowers -- Steve McDonald

Steve McDonald....
an old hero of mine....
whose music i'd listen
to late at night
as a teenager
-he often brought
me to faraway places.

here are the lyrics to this song:

There on a misty morning,
the sun slowly rised
After the Battle at Halidon Hill
There lies her youngest son,
tears in his eyes
Wounded and dying she hears him still

Ma, if I could live my life again
If I could call the world my friend
If I could write the story's end (I would)
I would give all these things in vain
To feel you hold me once again

A smile comes to his face
An uneasy calm
In front of him, his life flashes by
Amidst his boyish charms,
he feels his mother's arms
In that painless moment, he hears her cry

Son, if I could roll back the years
If I could see you through these tears
If I could face all of my fears (I would)
I would give everything in vain
Just to hold you once again

Remember me forever
I'll be here forever
Please forget me never
I'll be here forever

If I could roll back the years
If I could see you through these tears
If I could face all of my fears

Ma, if I could live my life again
If I could call the world my friend
If I could write the story's end (I would)
I would give all these things in vain
Just to hold you once again

Voxis vs Dj andi - To the moon ( Download HD & Versuri )

sounds nice

but really...
we don't need airplanes
to fly


Tangerine Dream - Love On A Real Train

you and me....
in our sleeper car

to the west,
to the west

away from here

Tangerine Dream - Girl On The Stairs (rien ne va plus 2001)

would she climb
one hundred flights of stairs
to reach you at the top?

yes she would,
and still climb more.

Brian Eno - Music For Airports

we'd be happy together...
even while waiting
for a delayed flight
listening to airport music

Sunday, July 18, 2010



Honey Proverb

"Lick up the honey, stranger, and ask no questions..."


new people must pass
rigid tests
before gaining access
to my inner circle.
most lack courage.
most fail.

i want to see him
look down into
the water.
if he has a reflection
he is real.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Roger County Daily Times

An inspiring gift I received recently - more valuable than anything money could buy, for its worth is determined by the currency of the heart.

Mysterious light disrupts Indiana Farms

A curious meteorological phenomenon has been observed by the National Weather Service in the Indiana region of the United States near the Kentucky border.

The phenomenon was first observed by locals beginning about two weeks ago and consisted of a white glowing aura coming over the horizon. Initial attempts to locate it were unsuccessful. The glow has persisted and grown in intensity to the point where local farmers are dismayed that it is disrupting their farm routines. Roosters are becoming confused about when dawn is actually about to occur and are crowing prematurely, upsetting the daily rhythm of their farms. Other locals complain that their sleep cycles are being thrown off by this persistent and growing light.

The light has increased in intensity in a geometric progression until it is now visible as far away as the East coast.

All attempts to locate the source of this light have been unsuccessful until late today, when there were unconfirmed reports that the source had been traced to one Sophia White, a young woman living in Indiana. The glow is apparently emanating from her heart as it swells with love for her new ****** and the happiness he brings her.

The city council of the town in which she lives is considering a resolution urging her to leave the area so they can all get some sleep again.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Lady Smiles-a-Lot

just wondering....
what did i do to deserve
this most precious gift

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Making a Difference

he is ideal
and he is real

inspires her to be more
and to do more

awakened the happiness
within her once thought lost

to wear makeup again
and jewelry
to enjoy music again
to leave the house
to exercise
to care about herself
as she had not done
for years
Must focus more.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Eyelid Cinema

Dream One -

My red bike was alone on the side of the road.
I was away from my bike, but desperately wanted to get back to it, before someone stole it.
I had no way of getting to my bike -
"Please, can you take me to my bike?" I asked those around me.
No one would help me.
Then came a man in a car.
After he stopped his car, I found a necklace underneath it - a silver chain with a pink crystal pendant on it.
I asked if it belonged to anyone - I didn't want to keep it if it did.
No one claimed it, so it became mine.
The man driving the car said he would take me to my bike.

Dream Two -

A man was telling me that he could see what I dream at night.
I told him that I didn't believe him.
That night, I dreamed -
The next morning he told me what I dreamed.
Then I believed him.

Evanescence - My Immortal

The Mission Theme - Gabriel's Oboe (Ennio Morricone)

Ennio Morricone "On Earth as it is in Heaven"


The Little Mermaid - It Is You I Have Loved All Along

You'll be in my heart by Phil Collins

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What's In a Name....



Spiritual secrets exist.

How to get unstuck…..

Learning to go past ourselves….

Enter into it, not dig away from it.

We are stuck in what we’ve told ourselves life is about.

All conditions are temporary.

There are no such things as the words “I can’t” in spiritual vernacular.

Real life is fluid change, not cement.

Conviction sets in that “I can’t”.

What stops us is what we don’t understand about ourselves.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Shiny Things

These are my Chinese Baoding Balls.
I also have..... smaller ones.

Can You Guess?

Anyone want to take any guesses as to what this is a symbol for?
The winner gets.... nothing! (except an exceptionally grand moment of pride.)

Wrong Bells

LOL M. thought I was talking about wedding bells in my V post.
I'm embarrassed that I gave that idea.
I meant the bells that town criers ring.

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

Bryan Adams - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You

I'll stand by you - The Pretenders (with lyrics)

.... can't sleep.....
...and have to get up early, too.....

A (Brief) Moment of Kindness

don't sleep away your life
or live your life through others.
live your own life,
before it's gone.

you know what i mean.

Round Table Discovered?

R. sent me some very interesting bits of news tonight:

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Vicissitude (I love V words)

It is obvious by now
to all who visit here,
that the recent frequency
of posts to this blog
has been highly prolific.
It is overflow, surely,
as an emotional effect whose
cause should be palpable
by those very few
who know my core.
And like a trumpeter
or town crier,
I would like to blare
it as news to all.
Surely the bells
are ringing.

The Neverending Story

From my favorite childhood movie.
(I still like the movie... actually.)

Pie Jesu - Sarah Brightman

A most beautiful song: Ave Maria (Schubert) - Andrea Bocelli

A song I heard while in the clouds

Waterhouse - Knight

Michelangelo - Nude Woman on Her Knees

Selig- Helium Vola

HELIUM VOLA- omnis mundi creatura

I liked this song so much a few years ago that I had the whole album imported from Germany.

Translation from Latin:

Omnis Mundi Creatura (translation)
"Every creature on earth
resembles a book and a picture,
like looking in a mirror, ×2

Our life, our death
our position in life, our destiny,
faithful symbol.

The rose reflects our position,
a fitting interpretation,
lessons about our life.
While it blooms in the early morning,
its blossoms fade
and petals fall with age.

Our life, our death
our position in life, our destiny,
faithful symbol.

His life, his existence,
his sorrow tribulation and obligation
to end life in death.
Death ends life, sorrow ends laughter
darkness ends daylight, high tide covers the seaport,
morning ends evening.
Mockery drives away the sorrow
worn by the mask of death,
tibulation plays the role of death.
Our first assumption is tribulation,
our second is sorrow,
and then death wins.

Our life, our death
our position in life, our destiny,
faithful symbol. "

Sarah Brightman - Captain Nemo

The Return of the King Soundtrack-19-Into the West


Lord of The Rings - May it be

Loreena Mckennitt - The Mists of Avalon

Mossy - didn't you say something about a man who could make clouds disappear?

I wonder what you'd think of this. :)

Enya . The River Sings *by valerio ottaviani*

Mozart - Requiem

My soul is stirred by this.... and by you.

Yes, I am transformed. I am alive.... again.

You could say I've been.... resuscitated.

We Have Wings

Floating high... flying like a bird. I like clouds, do you?

The Sacrifice - Michael Nyman

Anna's Theme [ OST Le Violon Rouge]


When I was a teenager, this was one of my favorite songs.
I'd play it loud in the car with the windows down.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Kiss - The Last Of The Mohicans

No matter where you go ... I will find you

Vangelis - Titans (Alexander O.S.T.)

One word:


My angel, my all, my very self

"You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?"


Symphony No.7 in A Major, Op. 92 II. Allegretto

My favorite Beethoven piece since high school.

Absolutely passionate.

Close Your Eyes

Close your eyes and listen to the video I just posted of Pachelbel's Canon in D Major.

Just do it.

Trust me.


Johann Pachelbel Canon in D Major fantastic version, classical music

"The Duel" Scene - Electric Dreams Movie

I want to find this movie again. I haven't seen it since I was a kid.

Together in Electric Dreams - Phil Oakey (Human League)

It's good to be in love - By Imogen heap (Frou Frou)

To You, Whom This is Concerned

Quit getting in contact with me using your pseudonyms. You think you have me fooled, but you should know that a good empath can smell a signature all the way from the other side of the universe. Stay out of my life.

(This post is meant for one person. Everyone else please ignore.)



Am I still in the same world I was in before?

Nelson Eddy - Stouthearted Men

R's song.


Fly away knights - King Arthur

OK. I have to stop getting high off music tonight. I have focusing to do. :)

Savage Garden - You Can Still Be Free

I'm so thankful that I can enjoy music again.
Thank you, God!

Freemasons feat. Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Heartbreak (Make Me A Dancer) [Of...

Heartbreak doesn't make me want to dance, but it's a cool song anyway.

Freemasons ft. Bailey Tzuke - Uninvited (Official Video HQ)



Nightwish - Sleeping Sun

King Arthur: Sadeness

I would love to know the name of the male choir that sings in the background. Is it Gregorian Chants?

Friday, July 9, 2010

Guinevere and Lancelot - You Will Be My Ain True Love

King Arthur: Song for a winters night

Stars Are Made For The Sky (ft. Moya Brennan) - Nassau Royal

I found this video completely by accident.
Never heard of this guy. I was actually looking for Maire Brennan music.
This is a beautiful song... very tender and sensitive.

Knights in Dazzling Sparkly Armor

how nice to know the knight
that she dreamed of
when she was a young girl
and continued dreaming
about as she turned
into a woman.
the age old secret is real-
from out of her dreams
he came.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


today is
Day One

'Eclipse (All Yours)' - Metric

yes, i confess
-i like the twilight saga
-and if i was bella,
i'd love both jacob and edward.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Sarah McLachlan - Sweet Surrender

pay attention
to these words.

t doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won’t disappoint you
When I’m down here
On my knees
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
And I don’t understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything (about you)
It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Shirley Temple - On The Good Ship Lollipop


because i pride myself
on being honest
- how can i expect
others to be honest
with me if i am not
honest with them -
i have to say
that these days
i am not putting all
my eggs in one basket.
just for the purpose
of safety,
and because it's
always nice
to have a backup plan.

i distract myself - maybe dis-track?

i guess you should know
that my inane ramblings post
was really just a distraction
-not for you but for me

in all honesty,
perhaps a lot of my posts
are really just distractions

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

inane ramblings

can someone please
answer a few questions
for me

first of all
why is it that
every time i finally
decide to buy
a full sheet of stamps
the post office
raises the price
of stamps?
-please don't tell
me to buy the forever
stamps, because i find
those boring

secondly, how can the
same person
win the lottery
four times?
i'm not money
hungry in the least
but i have to admit
it would be nice
to have the kind
of security
and freedom
a lottery winning
would provide
-to be able to
go out with friends
more regularly
without worrying
about spending
more than i have
-which is something
i've started doing again
-going out with friends,
that is
-and it's embarrassing
to have to say i can't
go out as often as they'd
like because i can't afford
it, and to hear them say
they'd pay for me
because i don't want
anyone to pay for me
-that would make
me a leech
-i know i have to
play to win
but i know if i did
play i wouldn't win
-i recently spent
a day in a casino
and could only
allow myself
to spend one
dollar playing
-the good news
is that i won
another dollar,
so i came out with two.


He's here.

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

holy mary mother of jesus

truth is stranger than fiction
mark twain was right

if you don't believe me
read what i just read
at that website in the
post below

the similarities to
my own life
are too uncanny
and my stomach
is all unsettled again


Monday, July 5, 2010

Sophia's Ascension

so maybe i should
take some time
to learn about my

this rings a bell -

"Though she was betrayed by the false Light of the Chief Archon, the Arrogant One, she never lost her longing for the Light of the Father, the Alone-Begotten, the First Mystery."

i shall read more
-seems so familiar

never mind - problem solved

after some research
thanks to google
i've discovered
that the add-on
known as
avg safesearch
has been causing
problems for
firefox browsers
-so, i disabled it
and now all
my problems
have melted


we interrupt this broadcast
with a message from our

has anyone else had
problems with firefox
ever since they
made the latest update
some weeks ago?

it keeps crashing on me
both on my laptop and pc
-now i feel forced
into using chrome

i'm going to soon
wipe and restore
my laptop to see
if that helps
-it needs it anyway
-but i'd rather not

Rock Candy Mountain

Sunday, July 4, 2010


number 1111
pulled in front of me today
-it verified for me
something i had suspected
about someone
i have recently met
-especially because
i was thinking about
said person
when 1111 pulled in front

Mystery and Magic

i love mysterious
and magical
just when i thought
i'd never run into
them again.

computer doctor

i love it when people
need their computers fixed
by me
i'm glad there is at least
one thing in this world
that i can do to help
-if i had lots of money
i'd love to give money away
but alas i do not
have lots of money
so i can't give money away

Saturday, July 3, 2010

No More Ecstasy

if i have an emotional connection
with you
and i haven't written in some days
it's because i need to let
my emotions settle down
they've been so extreme
that my stomach is ill again

i can't even allow myself
to listen to ecstatic music
until things are settled down

so, i don't want to feel
any emotions right now
bad or good
because both are too extreme
and become hard to handle

well i never want to feel bad emotions
but emotions in any extreme
are sometimes too powerful

anyway if i haven't written
as a good pen pal should
please be patient and know
that i am thinking about you
and i will write again when
things are back to normal
but most importantly
i'm sorry for hurting your feelings

They Gave Me a Brain and I Didn't Use it Properly

holy heck
i just figured out what's been wrong with me

it explains all my delirium
extreme arousal
and electrical shocks in my head

for the past month or so
i've been weaning off antidepressants

i just googled a few words
and found what is called
"SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome"
in particular the part about
weaning off Venlafaxine

my behavior during this time
has been absolutely wild
i can't even go into
half of it here
on this blog

i would love to know
if anyone else reading this
has experienced this
same thing or something similar
and please tell me
how it affected your moods
and your relationships

Winding Down

thanks to everyone who stuck by me
during the emotional tornado
in which i experienced so many
various emotions and attitudes
that i hardly knew
where my center was
or even what day of the week it was

it's coming to a close finally
and the electrical zaps
that i felt in my head
are finally slowing down

i sent out some mixed signals
and messages
that i need to clear up

the main point is that
i just shouldn't meet people
when i'm in that state

i'm too selfish
to be a good friend to anyone
though i thank those
who are brave enough
and willing enough to try

i'm especially thankful
to those who see me
at my worst
and still love me

i'm sorry for getting
out of line

by the way
there is another
light of sophia
who is some kind of
sexual tantric practioner
who charges for her services -
that is NOT me!
i need to change
the pseudonym
and email address
i've used
for three years
so people don't mistake
me for her
her for me

Friday, July 2, 2010

Somewhere Around Cloud Nine

I Do Not Love Thee

I DO not love thee!--no! I do not love thee!
And yet when thou art absent I am sad;
And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,
Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad.

I do not love thee!--yet, I know not why,
Whate'er thou dost seems still well done, to me:
And often in my solitude I sigh
That those I do love are not more like thee!

I do not love thee!--yet, when thou art gone,
I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)
Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone
Thy voice of music leaves upon my ear.

I do not love thee!--yet thy speaking eyes,
With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,
Between me and the midnight heaven arise,
Oftener than any eyes I ever knew.

I know I do not love thee! yet, alas!
Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;
And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,
Because they see me gazing where thou art.

Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton

Annabel Lee -by Edgar Allan Poe

Folkal Point - Lovely Joan (1972) UK Psych Folk Music

A fine young man it was indeed,
He was mounted on his milk-white steed;
He rode, he rode himself all alone,
Until he came to lovely Joan.
"Good morning to you, pretty maid."
And, "Twice good morning, sir", she said.
He gave her a wink, she rolled her eye.
Says he to himself, "I'll be there by and by."
"Oh don't you think those pooks of hay
A pretty place for us to play?
So come with me like a sweet young thing
And I'll give you my golden ring."
Then he pulled off his ring of gold.
"My pretty little miss, do this behold.
I'd freely give it for your maidenhead."
And her cheeks they blushed like the roses red.
"Give me that ring into my hand
And I will neither stay nor stand,
For this would do more good to me
Than twenty maidenheads," said she.
And as he made for the pooks of hay
She leaped on his horse and tore away.
He called, he called, but it was all in vain
Young Joan she never looked back again.
She didn't think herself quite safe,
No, not till she came to her true love's gate.
She's robbed him of his horse and ring,
And left him to rage in the meadows green.

Miranda Sex Garden - Fairytales Of Slavery

Sinead O'Connor--Daddy I'm Fine

Sylvia Plath Reads 'Daddy'

Father Figure

All is full of love

Somewhere Only We Know

in spite of the storms
i'm almost awake from this recurring dream
when my eyes open
we will meet here
at this special place
just You and me

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Billy Wilder - Love in the Afternoon (1957) Trailer

To You-Know-Who-You-Are

i'll make this cryptic enough
so that only a very few will understand
only those very few
one or two
who know me

soon i will be going home
starting over
and i'm as frightened
as a deer caught
in very bright headlights

Mnemosine - E.S. Posthumus - Alois Previtera

Immediate Music- Serenata Immortale

Electric Romeo (Choir) - Immediate Music


.......Hear ye, Hear ye!........
.....................I am a human pet......
Who would like to buy me?


Finis prope est