Monday, February 25, 2008

Dream Date February 25, 2008

The dreams I had today were very odd, and I can only blame my current state-of-mind for them, as it is in a state of disarray at the present moment. Nothing is to fault for this condition, except for chemicals in the brain. So all I can do is ride it out and not make too much of a fuss about it. I remember four dreams from a nap I took midday today.

Last night, before going to sleep, I said a prayer inside my head. I don't really know if it's a prayer or not, or just sending a thought out into the universe. I really don't pray. So let's just call it sending a thought out into the universe. In my thought, I asked that my spiritual teacher be shown to me in a dream. Now the question is, which one of the dreams below introduced me to my spiritual teacher, if at all. It could be that none of these dreams showed me the teacher. Because it was last night that I "prayed", but today that I dreamed. I do not remember my dreams from last night, so perhaps he/she was shown to me in a dream that I do not remember. Or maybe they simply did not come forth. I think that my teacher is here somewhere in the physical plane, but I believe it is possible that I would be able to somehow meet their astral presence in a dream.

Dream 1:

My grandfather, who I am estranged from, is standing in a room with me and another man with a mustache. The man with the mustache is asking about who is the next of kin. I can't remember the reason for his wanting to know this, but I tell him, "There's a brother, a sister, a mother, father, me, my grandfather here, his father - my great-grandfather even!" (In real life I do not have a brother, and I never met my grandfather's father as he was dead before I was born.)

The next thing that I can remember, the man with the mustache is spanking me with something black that he's holding in his hand. Next, he threatens to spank my cat Peachy. I implore him, "You can't do that to her. She's fragile and it would devastate her if you were to do that to her."

Dream 2:

I am examining the long strands of my hair. Several of them are coated in a beige-colored plastic. I begin to scrape the plastic off with my fingernails.

Dream 3:

I am in a gift store, which mostly sells books and maps to a park. The cashier accuses my mother of stealing a map. I yell at the cashier and call her a b*tch. The truth is, my mother has bought several books and a map from her store. Later in the dream, I'm walking and the cashier and her husband are walking behind me. I physically threaten the husband.

(Note: I dislike dreams like this where I am verbally and even physically abusive. I assume that I have them because I am letting off steam from emotional turmoil.)

Dream 4:

Out on a road of dust in a very rural desolate location, at the corner of an intersection, is a booth sort of like a bus stop. Only, the booth is yellow and has a big McDonald's "M" insignia at the top of it, and there are benches inside with a McDonald's ordering menu on the wall. There are several people sitting inside the booth eating food. Across the road is a real McDonald's restaurant. The sign in the booth tells me that I can order my food from this booth before picking it up from the actual restaurant. I can also buy a gift card, if I like.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

On My Own Debilitating Self

~I want to leave a lot of myself behind so that I can have less weight to carry as I travel onward.~

This is a thought I just had, inspired by a poem that Alex sent me:

O living always, always dying!
O the burials of me past and present,
O me while I stride ahead, material, visible, imperious as ever;
O me, what I was for years, now dead, (I lament not, I am content;)
O to disengage myself from those corpses of me, which I turn and
look at where I cast them,
To pass on, (O living! always living!) and leave the corpses behind.

- Walt Whitman

I have a selfish wish that I want to engage in - May I find strength in ridding myself of my debilitating self.

What is my debilitating self?

It's me, lazy, both content and discontent with my lot in life. Content in my laziness in not putting forth effort to change myself, discontent in having a self that I know needs changing. I am afraid of the work that would be required to reach higher levels of consciousness and betterment. I do not know why I am afraid. It could be because I have become so comfortable and cozy being a sloth.

"Not only does the debilitating self foster laziness and self-satisfaction, it encourages the individual to form all sorts of wrong ideas and beliefs that contribute to his ignorance and self-slavery."

I can't even begin to find a real teacher, because first of all a real teacher would find me, not the other way around, and secondly, a real teacher wouldn't accept me as a student because of my current state of laziness and inability to first make changes to myself. I know I've become hopeful that a teacher would help me change myself, but the truth is I have to change myself first before a teacher can work with me. And right now, I don't even know where to begin. It appears hopeless because it seems like the preperation alone will take years to do, and I'm so eager to jump right into the heart of the teachings.

"You have not 'found' a teacher until you approach him with the will to die to your death-dealing torpor by 'doing' whatever is required for your deliverance. Until then, you are moving away from him. You are moving away so rapidly at present that he will soon not be able to assist you."

I'm afraid because I don't know how my life is going to change once I start to receive teachings. The future is one great big looming mystery and I would prefer knowing in advance how things are going to be, but this cannot be done, and I can't go about having my wishes granted if I'm going to be a real student. I need to face the fact that everything is uncertain, especially the future. I need to face the fact that I am the creator of my own debilitating self, and that no one or no thing but me is responsible for its existence.

Regardless of how hopeless things seem, regardless of how afraid I am, or how much work needs to be done, I can't expect any real teachings until I first start to put forth effort into slaying my debilitating self and looking at things from the perspective of a student born into a new world. No real teacher is going to work with me until I first begin to work on myself. At the moment I do not know where to start. I do not know what I need to read or what I need to do. But what I can do, is look for the beginning chapter of the new story of my life.

The quotes above come from the writings found on the page linked below. The writings of this man have given to me ideas of the kind of teacher I'd like to work with. Most of the things he writes about speaks to my soul and stirs within me a desire to get started taking my spiritual growth seriously.

The Debilitating Self, by Norman D. Livergood -

Friday, February 22, 2008

What Religion Am I?

I was reading Rachel's blog tonight and saw her post about a short test that will tell you what religion most closely matches your beliefs. My results are posted below. I really don't know what to say about them, because I'm not religious. I am very deeply spiritual but have just never found my home in a particular religion. That's not to say that someday I won't; it's just that right now I am free-flowing, not limiting myself to where I learn wisdom from. My beliefs and thoughts are not set in stone right now, and I've noticed that they've made small shifts just in the course of a year. When I'm older, this could all change. I've heard that people become more firm in their beliefs as they age, or more settled.

The test can be found here: I'd be interested in hearing either your thoughts about my results or your own results.

1. New Age (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (93%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (90%)
4. Liberal Quakers (89%)
5. Neo-Pagan (89%)
6. New Thought (89%)
7. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (84%)
8. Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants (77%)
9. Taoism (77%)
10. Scientology (73%)
11. Theravada Buddhism (73%)
12. Hinduism (69%)
13. Secular Humanism (69%)
14. Bahai (63%)
15. Reform Judaism (63%)
16. Orthodox Quaker (57%)
17. Sikhism (52%)
18. Jainism (48%)
19. Non-theist (40%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (35%)
21. Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant (30%)
22. Islam (29%)
23. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (28%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (22%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (18%)
26. Roman Catholic (18%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (15%)

Social Disgraces

My sister is moving out-of-town in a week or two, so we went out to eat dinner together tonight just to kind of chat for a while, have a drink and enjoy each other's company. She's only moving a little more than two hours away, and she promises I'll see her often when she comes home to visit, but we never saw each other much to begin with, so I know how this is going to turn out; I'll be lucky if I see her two or three times a year. What matters is that tonight we had a good time, ate some Mexican food and enjoyed a strawberry margarita. For a going away gift I gave her one of those good luck trolls. I saw them in the store today and they made me remember how much my sister and I enjoyed having them when we were younger. They sort of disappeared from the world for a decade or two, and then today there they were, sitting on a store shelf reduced to clearance prices. I bought two of them, both green, one for her and one for me. I like it when toys are brought back for another shot at the market decades after they disappeared. I admit I buy them sometimes just because they give me good memories.

After we ate, we went to pay for our food, and what happened immediately afterwards proves that I have a good reason for not socializing much. My sister struck-up conversation with the Mexican man who took our money at the register. He looked at me several times so of course I had to get involved in the conversation. I really didn't know what to say and I confess that I was so absent-minded I really didn't know what the conversation was about, so I had to really fake it. I mean, I had to pretend that I knew what they were talking about and come-up with conversation that applied to what they were talking about. I didn't really make a good shot at it and I caught myself making gestures towards the door by taking small steps towards it, because I was really wanting to get out of the conversation and make an escape for the parking lot. From out of no-where, I said to the man, "I love you." At once I was embarassed so all I could do was simply say, "I'm sorry." I know I probably confused him but it was an honest mistake. I know why I made it. Anytime I'm finishing up conversation with my family, I always end by saying, "I love you." Because my mind wasn't quite with it tonight I spoke out-of-habit on-the-fly. Anyway, after apologizing I just made quickly for the parking lot. My sister was behind me, laughing. I was utterly humiliated. To make good of it, my sister called my mom on her cell phone to joke about what had just happened. The only relief I had from the whole circumstance was that I quickly glanced over my shoulder through the glass of the restaurant to see the man helping the next customer with an embarrassed smile. I guess he thought it was funny but I'm sure he thought I was terribly quirky.

This is exactly one of the types of situations that I try to avoid at all costs, and one of the reasons I have social anxiety. It's because I am always afraid I'm going to say something stupid by making a slip-up. It's better to just keep myself locked-up behind closed doors at all times so that I can keep myself safe from the shame that I will inevitably cause myself.

Good grief, I really don't know what gets into me at times. I have a faux pas for every situation.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Poem for the Figure in My Mind

Where did you go
I've been waiting for so long
To see the smile I saw
All those yesterdays ago

Will you be there
When all those tomorrows
Come rushing in
Through the door of today

I sat and pondered
Wondered all about you
I looked up at you
Just like a child

You could have been my father
Maybe you could've been God
I would have settled for best friend
But these are just dreams

Some say I'm afflicted
With an absent-mind disease
But I'm just lost in thought
About you and me

I couldn't stop myself
From turning to you
Everytime a new decision
Had to be made

I might have hung on
Too tightly I clung
You were my life support
My very breath

But here I am now
Willfully without you
Just to prove to myself
I can be alone

If truth be told
It's not so hard to do
But I don't like it
Not one little bit

I'd rather have you
Holding my shaking hand
Leading me through darkness
And over rough terrain

So if you don't mind
From this moment on
In my imagination
You're standing beside me

That will give me strength
And all the resolve I need
To get me through the days
That you're not with me

Maybe you didn't need me
Like I needed you
I like to think that you did
Maybe just a little?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Echoes of Silence

Why are my thoughts so important to me? Why am I so obsessed with thinking that I can't even allow myself to sit down and read a book? Why does my mind need constant stimulation?

Am I afraid of boredom? Silence?

If there was silence, what would that mean?

Is the sound of silence in a mind really so much like death?

In death, is there even silence? If there is not noise or silence in death, what is there?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Hanging On

I promise I'll be back with responses to comments, soon. I'm still sick from the flu. Even though I'm not responding at the moment, I've really enjoyed briefly checking in and finding your messages waiting for me. Thanks for being here.



Saturday, February 16, 2008


I don't know what the mumbo jumbo means that I wrote about yesterday. I don't know why I sit down sometimes to type on this blog after I've been affected by a sleeping pill. I open myself up too wide when I do this. The day after, I have regrets. I didn't need to get into my teenage sex life to explain that I was struggling to fulfill myself with a higher power. The only thing that matters... the only thing I should've said, is that I was looking for something but at the time I didn't know what it was. Now I think I've identified it. There is nothing else it could be. I've gone all the way to the top of the hierarchy. There is nothing else above God. But who or what is God? I know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find the answer. In the same vein, it will probably take the rest of my life just to figure out who I am. Is there a millisecond before death when we suddenly know? And will we have an afterlife with which to use the information we've garnered from that one split second?

All my history leads up to this point, where I'm at now. Just like your history leads you up to where you are. It can't go anywhere else except here. If it could go anywhere else, there'd be two of you or me. And now we're getting into the possibility of a multiverse. Of course it's a possiblity. We can't even understand this one big universe, so how can we deny the existence of others?

We think we are too small for God to notice us? Just because we don't pay attention to the freckle on our toe doesn't mean God doesn't pay attention to us. If He/She has a mind, it's much bigger than ours and can surely process much more information in a smaller amount of time. I don't even know why I'm trying to explain God, because God is unexplainable. Religions have tried since the beginning of time to explain it, and there are so many of them, so many religions. God is hidden in there somewhere. His face is everywhere yet we pretend we can't see it. We try to define it as if we could see it perfectly. But our sight is subjective, so instead of finding the one true God, we mass produce Him/Her/It in large varying quantities and qualities. There is a God for every target audience.

You know what? I don't want to step-up to the store counter and custom order my God. I want the real God to be revealed to me. In finding Him/Her/It, I want to find myself. Because, how can I know God if I don't even know myself first?

Is there an objective God?

To my future spiritual teacher: This is just the tip of the iceburg. I can't even begin to speak about my desire to understand the Universe or myself, to tell you about how badly I want to find answers. I don't even know where to begin to look. So all day long I sit and think about where I'm going to start. And this is where I've been for a number of years now. I'm not getting anywhere. If you give me a place to start, if you help encourage me, I can begin to make progress and with your help I can begin to chip away at the stone that is my core being, until I find the shape hidden beneath it all.

I'm not expecting you to tell me who God is. I'm not expecting you to tell me who I am. But together, we can explore the Universe which is part of the expression of what God is, surely. And through delving in and exploring that beautiful expression, through secrets and obviousness, we can come to start to understand who or what God is.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Hypnic Jerk at the Compost

While sleeping in the bed today I experienced another hypnic jerk. I was falling in and out of sleep, fatigued from being ill with a bad flu. In the hypnagogic vision I was standing outside in our backyard, at the compost tumbler. I had my hand on the compost's door handle and was pulling on it with all my might, leaning back so that I could put my weight into it. The handle slipped out of my hand and I went falling backwards. It was at this moment that I woke myself with a hypnic jerk.

Sick Valentine

I didn't get a chance to come online yesterday to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day, so happy belated Valentine's Day.

I spent the entire day in bed with one of the worst colds I have ever had. I am still home from work with this cold.

I'm spending my time in bed, so if you've emailed or commented and I haven't responded, I promise I'll respond as soon as I'm feeling a little bit better.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


I only felt like a failure because lately it hasn't seemed as though I've been accomplishing much. In fact, I can't think of very many accomplishments I've had since graduating college, with the exception of getting a job and a few job-related accomplishments here and there. The accomplishments in college made me feel good about myself, and they were plenty in number. What's an almost-30 year old college graduate to do? It seems I favor accomplishments that are directly related to my having learned something.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm going through this failure thing because I'm going to be 30 in four months. It's a crisis. I made lots of accomplishments when I was a young person, but now that I'm older what is there for me to accomplish?

I don't want to get old. The older I get the more difficult it is for me to come-up with excuses for my childishness. Also, the older I get the more ignorant I feel. When I was younger, I felt so smart. Maybe I was vain, and maybe now I'm not. Or maybe I'm being vain in so proudly announcing that I'm not vain. I used to focus on everything that I knew, like my strong mathematical abilities, my computer knowledge. Now I tend to focus on what I don't know, like my fading mathematical talents, forgetting what I learned in school, and being afraid to be in conversation with someone because I fear I'm not their intellectual equal. What if I get involved in a discussion about something I'm not knowledgeable about? Take politics, for example. I might end-up looking ignorant. Or worse, I might end-up mispronouncing a big word that I try using in order to appear bright.

The bottom line is that the only conversation I'm good at having is general conversation, and people might lose interest in that after a while. People want to talk to people that challenge the way they think, just like I enjoy talking to people that challenge me, or people that stimulate me emotionally, spiritually or intellectually. I can only speak about myself or general observations that I make.

The good news is, all I've done on this blog is talk about myself and my general observations, and most of you have continued to return and show interest, so I must be doing something right. It's not just interest you show, but it's caring, too. Which tells me that I can continue to be honest about who I am, about my dreams, hopes, wishes, strengths, weaknesses, failures and accomplishments, all right here in the safety of my blog. What you see here is more than anyone else in the world gets to see, or has ever seen.

To be continued...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Mundane Things from Today (i.e. Lacking Spirituality)

I'm a failure. Today was my third day as a vegetarian and I failed. I made it through breakfast and lunch without any problems but when dinner rolled around I became weak and my cravings for a steak from a local restaurant overwhelmed me. If I can't do this then how am I to complete other spiritual assignments? I am not worthy of a spiritual teacher because I couldn't even accomplish this.

Today was a very stressful day at work. When I arrived, my voice mail box was completely full and no longer accepting new messages. I had 18 messages to respond to. All day long my phone was ringing and I couldn't accomplish much paperwork. I felt worthless, as if I wasn't producing enough work to make my boss happy. I can't get over feeling this way, even though my boss has never once complained about the quality of work I produce. I suppose the feeling comes from having missed so much work due to depression, and hoping I could somehow make it up by working extra hard to impress him. At the end of the day I feel frazzled.

Tonight it snowed quite a bit. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we either have a two-hour delay in the morning or quite possibly the entire day called off. I doubt that would happen but I'd love to be away from work right now.

Earlier last year I met someone on the Internet with the clear and expressed intention of having philosophical discussions with him. I lost touch with him for months, and tonight he writes to renew our contact. After three or four emails with him tonight, he jumps to the point that he was probably wanting to make since last year, " Do you just look for e-mail connections or do you ever seek some more intimate philosophical connections?"

Now, what could he mean by "more intimate philosophical connections"? Why can't he just come-out and say, "Would you like to have sex with me?" He didn't even spend that much time getting to know me. We had only exchanged about 10 emails each since July of last year.

And to think I had spent so much time in the beginning explaining to him how much I treasure deeply emotional and platonic relationships that transcend sex.

Oh well.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Dream Date February 10, 2008

I have been struck again by this recurring theme of school related anxiety. This time, it's the first day of college and I'm running late for my first class. But in order to go to class, I have to first go to my locker. I do not know where my locker is, so I stop at the front desk and ask one of the girls there for my locker number. I feel very anxious because I know that going to my locker will make me even later for class.

Some continuity issues here, because next thing I know, I'm outside the school again and I have my cat Penelope in my arms, and as I'm walking towards the front door of school, I start to panic and wonder what I'm going to do with her. (She's the cat that I'm hugging in my profile photo.) I can't take her in class, because they'd tell me I can't bring her indoors, and some people might have pet allergies. I could put her in my messenger bag, but it's full of books. Maybe I could empty the bag. In the end, I decide that the weather is cool enough outside that I could safely leave her in my car with the windows cracked just enough to let in fresh air. So, I go out to the car and play around with the windows, trying to get the crack big enough to let in an ample supply of air, yet at the same time I'm trying to make it small enough so that she can't get out.

The next thing I remember, I'm walking towards the lockers with a small notebook in my hand that has my locker number written on it. I'm looking down at the number and then back up again at the numbers on the locker doors. My messenger bag is carelessly dangling from my hand. I'm looking around nervously for my locker, still worried about being late for class. There are some break tables nearby, and one of them has about four or five students sitting at it. They all start to laugh. Immediately I think they're laughing at me and I feel paranoid. Perhaps they're laughing because of the nerdy way I'm carrying around my messenger bag, and because it's obvious I'm in a hurry. I think to myself that they're freshman and they don't know any better yet.

Still running late for class, but I'm hungry. There is a vending machine nearby, but a maintenance man in a blue button-up shirt and jeans walks up to me and offers me one of two sandwhiches that he has, one which is stacked on top of the other. I greatfully accept the bottom one, and as I pull it off the one on the top, I realize there is a tomato slice on top of my sandwhich, so the top part of my bun must still be in his hands. I don't want to bother him to ask for it, so I take a bite into the sandwhich anyway. It's then that I realize that not only do I have the top part of my bun, I also have the bottom part of his bun as well as one of his tomato slices.

Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 7

“…to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life’s procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.”

Our society is a working society, and if one does not work, they are a stranger to that society. To work is to be human. To be human is to work.

If we did not work, if we were idle, what purpose would we have to get through the long days? What would motivate us to wake-up in the mornings?

I know sometimes it is a struggle to wake-up and face a work day. I go through this often, in fact. It is especially difficult to go to work during an episode of depression, as what is lacking most is motivation to even get out of the bed. Yet, if I did not work, who would I be? If someone asked me, “What do you do?”, what would I tell them? So, to continue to contribute to society and do my part, I go to work. Sometimes I shudder to think I have more than 30 years left of this, but that is my lot in life, as it is everyone else’s. I’ve had daydreams of having enough money to modestly live on so that I wouldn’t have to work, and instead have time to read, swim, socialize with the pets and family, gain more knowledge and wisdom, educate myself further and just enjoy life. Wouldn’t it be nice?

To hear chapters one through six, visit my podcast blog:

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Slip and Fall

I was laying in the bed this morning with my cat Peachy laying in the crook of my left arm. I was moving in and out of sleep and wakefulness. I went into a sort of hypnagogic vision in which I was standing in the shower in the bedroom's bathroom. I slipped and started to fall. In the bed, my body jerked sharply.

These bodily jerks are known as Hypnic jerks, and occur probably while the body is relaxing, sending signals to the brain that make the brain think the body is falling due to a misinterpretation of the signals. Studies have linked occurences of hypnic jerks with sleep anxiety, discomfort and fatigue. These are not dreams, since dreams only occur in R.E.M. sleep, but rather they are daydreams, hallucinations or hypnagogic imageries.


Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 6

How fitting, that the next chapter in The Prophet is about eating and drinking. It's fitting because, as you see in my previous post, I'm going to attempt to become vegetarian. Will I make it? Or will I fail? There hasn't been a meal between the time of my decision and now, so we will see what happens at breakfast, and at lunch, when my hunger will begin to direct my actions. Hopefully the mind and heart can conquer the cravings of this body. This is a test of will power and self-discipline. I haven't had good self-discipline since I was in college and forced myself to study hard every night.

For chapters one through five, visit my podcast blog:

Friday, February 8, 2008

Eating Habits

Earlier tonight I made the decision to do something unusual. I'm going to try to go vegetarian for a reason that is very important to me. I hope the reason isn't too selfish. I'm sure I'll learn more about the reason with time.

If I do this and pray, I could get what I've been looking for for so long.

I don't know if I should make an easy slow transition or if I should just cut meat completely at once. I'll see what happens.

Please God don't let me become weak and fail at this.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


I would give you my unconditional love
My utmost sincere devotion
In exchange for your opening my eyes
Bestowing upon my ear your supreme secrets
I continue to wait, faithfully, loyally
Knowing you'll arrive to transform me
To transform this constant yearning
For love from you and from God
Into fulfillment and higher consciousness
I know you won't show yourself unless asked
So now I am asking you to show yourself!
Even if you can't be in my presence,
I can sense you in my thoughts,
I can sense your love and guidance.


I'm going to work on this, so this is just a sketch for now. I expect there will be updates as the feelings move me.

Blog's First Birthday

I've been waiting for this day for almost a week now. Today marks the one-year anniversary of the inception of this blog.

Happy birthday to my blog!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Watching and Waiting

Aflame is this desire to know truth.
Desperate enough to surrender.
Despite the consequences.
Despite the agony.

In this medium,
I can't see your glance,
But your words can
Bring to me illumination.

You are quiet.
Not a word until the right moment.
But you are watching,
And you are waiting.

Wherever you are,
Whoever you are,
I respectfully remain,
Seated at my seat until your unveiling.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Dream Date February 3, 2008

I was glancing towards the sun. It was bright, and it hurt my eyes. But I looked directly at it regardless of the pain.

I think this is a very spiritual dream. Looking into the light is not easy, and making the changes necessary to live a spiritual life can be painful. We have to acknowledge that we're not perfect. Can we kill our egomania? Can we quit becoming angry when we perceive that someone has wronged us? Can we quit reacting irrationally? Can we start thinking before reacting? Can we take responsibility for our reactions and our emotions? Can we welcome the pain instead of fighting it?

The flesh of my ego singes when I burn it with the candle of Light.
Ego, tame thyself! Settle down! Turn to ashes and be gone!
Let this ego disappear so that I am left only with my Beloved.
Let my desires melt away, so that all that remains is Love.

The Path is Still There, Waiting....

"You have the choice to say yes to God or to say yes to your ego. And it's a very definite choice. I have seen people choose not necessarily knowing that they have chosen but I've seen it. They rapidly drift away from the path, and suddenly they are back in the world. Maybe they get something they always thought they wanted like a new career, or a new lover in their life, and they don't know that they have said no, but they have said no. They were given a choice." ~Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee from the Golden Sufi Center

I find myself back in the world. I want to return to the path.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Yearning for Knowledge and Higher Consciousness

Norman D. Livergood from the Hermes Press websites really has some very appealing pages to read. He's the guy that had that course on the Perennial Tradition that I was interested in, but can't take since I'm on antidepressants. I really don't like being discriminated against like that, but I still enjoy his web sites. He has another course that I would be interested in, called "Progressive Awareness". I took the "test" just because I felt the questions really apply to me. You're not really supposed to take it unless you are sure you want to sign up for the class, but I thought I'd ask myself these questions just to see what the answers would be. While I probably had a sorry answer for one or two of them, I thought the inquiry into myself would be worthwhile.

The questions can be found here, but don't submit unless you're going to take the class (which cost $200):

These are the answers I gave to them: 1: B 2: A 3: B 4: A 5: A 6: A 7: A 8: B 9: B 10: B 11: B 12: B 13: A 14: B 15: B 16: A 17: A 18: A 19: A 20: A 21: B 22: B 23: B 24: B 25: B 26: B 27: B 28: B 29: B 30: B

(Speaking of course costs, I briefly asked my husband about taking the class, and he gasped. This particular class's information page didn't say anything about antidepressants, though.)

Check it out here:

His other knowledgeable websites can be found here: Check out some of the links on the top, like Philosophy, Perennial Tradition, Plato Studies, etc. The political stuff I skipped over since I'm not interested in politics.

I want this knowledge so bad but I can't give-up my home or family to get it. I can work on the psychological issues. I can improve myself. I've had an epiphany. I think I'd do well learning this.

Does anyone out there know this material besides this guy? Is giving up attachments to family and friends that important to making progress on this path?

If anyone knows what this is about, please make contact.

I don't know if this is a real spiritual hunger or if it's madness. I have things getting in my way of reaching these goals, really silly crazy human things.

I've been looking for answers for more than three years now.

Hillel's Golden Rule

Happily_anonymous brought-up Rabbi Hillel's Golden Rule recently. Today, while surfing through some spiritual blogs, I found this painting done in 1961 by Norman Rockwell.

"Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it." ~

Past, Future and Acceptance - a Few Words

I can't change my history, but I can try to control my future. I'll mess-up again, but I'm going to accept that.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Peculiarity of Complex Psychology

A discussion in email with someone inspired me to go exploring. The Internet does not seem to have many sources of information on this particular subject.

"...However, there may be lots of women who like middle-aged or elderly man, not as lover or husband, but as a counselor. Again, for this minority of girls who like older men, it seems that the reason is not that they like "money", but that because they suffer from a "father complex", lots of them seek men who look psychologically "big" and broad-minded."
~Maciamo on

"...If, for example, a man reminds a woman of her harsh, abusive father by his tone of voice, by his way of reacting to life, by his intensity of emotional response, and so on, he will understandably constellate her father complex. If she interacts with him over a period of time, material will be added to that complex. If he abuses her, the negative father complex will be further enriched and energized, and she will become all the more reactive in situations where the father complex is constellated. Increasingly she may avoid such men entirely, or on the other hand she may find herself irrationally drawn to them."
~Jung's Map of the Soul: An Introduction By Murray Stein

I've had a few "severe teacher" dreams in the past couple of years. I found this from the writings of a psychoanalyst:

"...In the early years of my analytic practice, I had a patient who stuttered, the roots of which lay in a negative father complex. During one certain phase of his analysis, he brought a series of dreams having quite authoritarian and severe teacher figures, and it soon became apparent that he transferred this teacher to me.... Now I recognized that unconsciously I was introducing a pedagogic and certainly authoritarian power element into my analyses...."
~Carl Gustav Jung: Critical Assessments By Renos K. Papadopoulos, chapter Transference and Countertransference by Hans Dieckmann