Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Spider Pig

I've never been a big fan of comedy, but a special clip from a movie I saw last weekend has been tearing me up with laughter, and it really feels good to laugh like this!

Enjoy yourself:

Flattery Gets You Everywhere Very Quickly

After work we went shopping at the grocery store. The 50-ish woman behind the counter at the deli was handing me the potato salad we asked for. In handing it to me she said, "Thank you, kiddo." I know I'm getting old when it feels good to hear that.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Change of Heart

I'm going to be deleting some posts from my blog. I hope you all don't mind. I will keep the comments, but erase what was typed in some of my more desperate moments. I plan on doing this tomorrow or Wednesday night.

Why do I always regret what I said or did moments, days or weeks ago? If only I had the power of hindsight.

I haven't decided yet; I may or may not keep this blog. I'd like to start over somewhere new. There was once a time when this blog was created so that I could start fresh from somewhere else, and now look at what it's become. It's a chaotic tour of all the topsy-turvy thoughts and emotions I go through every day. I really don't think it's very flattering to allow others to witness my weaknesses.

Sometimes, I regret confessing things, too. I'll be too open and then a day or so later I feel embarrassed by it. Which is odd, because at the time it was absolutely necessary that I spill the beans about what I was going through, in order to release the tension that builds up.

Do You Mind?

I don't think the mind can ever understand itself so long as the mind uses itself to try to understand. Remember when I asked, "How can the eye see itself?" The eye can't see itself. Likewise, the mind perhaps will never fully see or comprehend itself.

Maybe we're just like hamsters in plastic balls, being observed, rolling around trying to get somewhere but really getting nowhere. Maybe we should give-up on the pursuit of mind-knowledge and just enjoy having minds. I think the hamster enjoys running around in his ball.

Inspired by a post on Alex's blog.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Had a Dream

I really did! I haven't had dream recall for months and I blamed my medications. I'm going through some medication changes now, however, and during a nap today I recalled two fragments from two different dreams! I'm excited.

Just a warning that the second dream is very strange:

I'm going back to bed, now, so maybe I'll dream some more.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Notes on _Holy Madness_: More on Relating to a Spiritual Teacher

"Teachers unquestionably have an important role to play, especially in the more advanced stages of inner growth. They can catalyze much, but in order to relate to them rightly, we must already be familiar with our idealizations and other projections. In other words, to benefit from our teachers, we have to be able to see beyond them to the teaching itself. The spiritual process is inherently radical—that is, it goes to the root of the problem of our spiritual ignorance: the ego—and hence it is vastly challenging. A good teacher is one who holds us to this process; to put it colloquially: he or she will be in our face. Naturally, this will trigger all kinds of emotions in us that we would do well to fully understand lest they should get out of control. All too often, students become caught in a love-hate relationship with their teacher, or they abruptly convert fervent devotion and adoration into everlasting anger and disappointment."

My comments:

One thing to remember about a teacher is that they are human. One should not expect a teacher to be perfect. It is difficult to look beyond flaws or mistakes, but given that the teacher is a real true teacher, that is exactly what must be done. It is the teaching, after all, that is important.

The process of the breaking-down of the ego is, I imagine, an extremely painful experience, and, although we should not bite the hand that feeds us, it's probably the teacher that is going to be blamed for any screwy emotions that show up during this process. This is something I have to pay attention to because I know I can sometimes froth at the mouth. Mostly I react negatively when my sensitive pride has been hurt. This may be one thing keeping me from accepting a teacher, even though I badly want one, because I know that sooner or later they'll see the real me, and quite frankly, that's not very flattering. What's the saying? "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." ~William Congreve I want to work on this, though. I want to be more humble and respond to others with humility. I wasn't very nice to cashiers that made me angry in stores around Christmas time. Getting over the need for respect and the pride issue is going to be difficult, as well as making sure no one insults my intelligence. That's something else I'm sensitive about.
"Experienced teachers will definitely be aware of the games their students play out relative to them. They are not perturbed by this, but many Eastern teachers also do not seem to be particularly interested in, or skillful at, assisting their Western disciples to navigate the treacherous waters of interacting with a traditional teacher. Many gurus or lamas underestimate their Western students’ psychological complexity and unspoken expectations of a teacher; they definitely fail to appreciate the intricacies of transference and the inner conflict most Westerners experience vis-à-vis authority. Were it not for the fact that some Western students have actually attained to higher spiritual realizations, not a few Oriental teachers might by now have given up teaching us."

My comments:

A serious student would not, in my opinion, play games consciously, but because it would be easy to project onto a teacher or experience transference, stranger things have happened.
"Childish or adolescent responses to a guru, which make us vacillate between emotions of dependence and independence, will never lead us to enlightenment. Rather we must come to recognize the outer guru as a liberating function within our own mind. But to discover the guru function experientially, we require the psychoenergetic trigger and spiritual guidance of a benign and hopefully realized “outer” guru. The New Age insistence that we can and perhaps even should do without a teacher, in my view, is mere wishful thinking."

My comments:

I especially agree with his last statement. If I've grown at all since 2004, I've done so slowly. Had I a real teacher I might have been further along the path by now.

Thesee quotes come from an excerpt to a book called _HOLY MADNESS:Spirituality, Crazy-Wise Teachers, and Enlightenment_, by Georg Feuerstein.

P.S. I apologize that I've had so much to say the past week or so. I've had this strong urge to get a lot of things out of my system. My shrink almost wants to change my diagnosis from depression to Bipolar II because every now and then (but rarely) I experience these days where I have lots of thoughts. Just so you know, Bipolar II is NOT Bipolar I, so I don't ever get manic, OK?

Quotes and Copyright Law

As I have found time to do some reading online of subjects that I take an interest in, I am going to post some quotes from the material that I've read if I think it is either important or applies to me in some way. I've already done that in some instances. I am not entirely knowledgeable of copyright law, so I hope, that by posting clippings from articles, I am not breaking any laws or causing the articles' authors any discomfort. I have read a small bit on copyright law and as far as I know it is safe for me to post quotes from the material that I read. If you are an author of any of the material that I've posted, and you would like the information removed, please let me know. I of course will not post articles in their entirety unless the copyright has expired, as in cases of many old religious or esoteric texts in which the author is no longer alive. My purpose for posting these quotes is for commentary related to subjects seen on this blog and personal growth for myself and others who may be interested. I am not attempting, nor am I interested in, making money using your material. I hope I am interpreting this copyright law correctly. Here is the link to what I've read if anyone is interested: Unfortunately for me, it is actually very vague, so I hope I don't end-up in jail or get sued.

(I plan on posting the above in small text at the bottom of my blog, so that if anyone Googles their own name and finds quotes of their material here, they won't want to kill me. If they do want to kill me, I plan on begging mercy.)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Perennial Tradition

A week or so ago I found a website speaking about the Perennial Tradition, which discusses the Perennial philosophy. I think there are a lot of western elements to it, so mabe this is something I could look into that would come from my own culture? (Right, Mr. Anonymous?) :)

The deal-breaker - at least from this page/teacher - is that they won't work with anyone on antidepressants or with psychological problems. Since I have depression and take medications for it, that means I'm out of the picture. (I hate being left out! It's like being a woman who wants to join the Freemasons!) I'm not crying over it, though, because the requirements for starting the course are that you read four books before applying, and, go figure, the four books are written by the guy teaching the class. Not only THAT, but they want a downpayment of $600! If I wasn't married and didn't have to speak with my husband every time I wanted to spend money, I'd consider it, but being that our savings are now completely depleted, I'm a pauper that can't afford it.

Oh well. Here's an introduction to the Perennial Tradition -

And here are those blasted requirements which don't suit me at all -

It seems to have a hodgepodge of sources. I think that's the way it should be, anyway, so that one religion can't monopolize my soul.

By the way, I wrote this in a rush. Sorry if it seems that way. I put these links here for my own reference, anyway.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Notes on Student and Teacher Relationship on the Sufi Path

"'Do not take a step on the path of love without a guide. I have tried it a hundred times and failed,' writes the poet Hafiz. The Sufi says that you need a teacher, a guide along the path of love. If you need a guide to cross a desert or unknown land, how much more do you need a guide to venture into the inner world of the psyche, into the depths of the soul? To make the journey from the confines of the ego to the limitless dimension of the heart, you need a teacher, a sheikh."

"We need to 'choose a master,' and yet we are told, 'You do not find a teacher. The teacher finds you.' How do we begin on this search in which we do not look but are found?"

"The love the teacher has for the disciple belongs to oneness, and carries with it the consciousness of divine oneness. Stepping into the presence of the sheikh, the wayfarer enters the dimension of love's oneness, yet does not know this. The wayfarer has not yet developed the faculty to recognize oneness, to consciously appreciate what is being given. Instead the wayfarer remains within the prison of her projections, mental conditioning, and psychological problems, which of necessity become projected into the relationship with the teacher."

"Love evokes both positive and negative psychological projections. And as anyone who has experienced a human love affair knows, the greater the love the more powerful the projections: the more the unlived parts of our psyche clamor for attention, want to be drawn into the sunlight of our loving. This is what makes a love affair so psychologically potent, so full of unexpected and often unwanted projections. The unconditional love that is given by the sheikh will of necessity evoke many projections, along with many unmet needs. Once the initial "honeymoon period" of intoxication has passed, this is what the wayfarer is forced to confront. And because the sheikh is also a figure of authority, the wayfarer's unresolved authority issues will surface, adding to the cloud of confusion that obscures the real nature of the relationship with the teacher-the love that is the essence of the Sufi path."

"Working with the contents of our psyche that confront us, we need discrimination and clarity, and yet we are held by an invisible presence that is the real essence of the work-the inner bond of love that is between teacher and disciple. This link of love contains the consciousness of oneness to which we aspire, and yet for many years on the path it is hidden, rarely visible to the ordinary awareness of the disciple. But when the inner work has been done, what the Sufis refer to as "polishing the mirror of the heart," then we come to know the love that was always present."

"When the sheikh receives the hint that the disciple is ready, then this substance of divine love is infused from heart to heart, from the heart of the sheikh into the heart of the disciple."

"Only the teacher can give us what we need, and yet what is given cannot be grasped by our mind or ego. Moreover we are unfamiliar with a relationship of love that does not belong to the personal self. Our conditioning places love and nearness solely within the sphere of personal relationships, and has no concept of a deeper, impersonal love that belongs to the soul (our culture focuses on the personal-in America it is has even become customary to address everyone by their first name). Our hunger for personal acceptance, our unmet emotional and even physical needs come to the surface and are easily projected into the relationship with the teacher. We lack the traditional container that separates this relationship from the personal sphere. In many eastern traditions, for example, the disciple cannot address the teacher directly, but must first wait to be spoken to. But in the West we have no such protocols."

"The teacher is the thread that connects us to our own transcendent reality. Through the grace of the sheikh the wayfarer awakens to the consciousness of oneness that is the knowing of love. But for many years on the path this consciousness is hidden from the wayfarer, who is faced with the limitations of the ego and the confusions of the psyche. The wayfarer cannot help but see the teacher through the veils of duality and the distortions of her own projections. This relationship belongs to the impersonal level of the soul, and yet the wayfarer tries to bring it into the personal landscape of her ego-self. This is what makes this link of love so difficult to follow, this thread so tenuous. But if we follow this thread with sincerity, devotion, perseverance, and a sense of humor, we will awaken to its real nature, how the heart of the sheikh reflects the oneness of love's hidden face."

These are some clippings from an article that caught my interest at the Golden Sufi Center. The article can be read in its entirety here: Through a Glass Darkly:The Paradoxical Nature of the Relationship with the Teacher, by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

For my own reference: Tomorrow I will read an excerpt from _HOLY MADNESS:Spirituality, Crazy-Wise Teachers, and Enlightenment_ by Georg Feuerstein. Skimming through the article, I see it also speaks of projections made onto the teacher, as well as resentment towards teachers or love-hate relationships.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 5

Gather around the campfire again for another installment of _The Prophet_.

Giving - it’s something we might or might not do, in great amounts or small amounts. Generosity does not have to be directly linked to one’s wealth; when we are poor, we can still be rich in spirit, and then, we can give of ourselves. When we bestow gifts, of material or immaterial value, do we seek reward or is it as natural as the token of the fragrance of a flowering tree?

In this chapter, the wise prophet speaks of giving.

“And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.” ~Khalil Gibran

To listen to chapters one through four, visit the Sophia W. Podcast blog.

My Furry Family, Please Bear With Me

I know cute little pictures of other people's pets may drive you bananas, but I couldn't help myself today. I wanted to put each one of them on display. I don't do this too often because I know my readers don't come here for this. I've kept the photos small so that they don't take-up too much of your time or space. These are my "children". We all like to show-off our children, don't we? Yes, it's true; I have six of them.

Teacher or Father... or God?

"Many people in the West find life overwhelmingly complex and confusing. Because anxiety, tension, and worry fill their minds, they cannot find inner sources of strength. The kindling is wet and in disarray. Their emotional states are unstable and nothing inspires them. With typical Western low self-esteem, they are unsure of themselves. Afraid of making mistakes, some may want to give the responsibility for decisions to others. They desperately long for someone to know what is happening and to take care of everything, like an ideal father or God.

Some may join the army so that they simply need to follow orders and not think for themselves. Those who are more spiritually inclined may turn to a Dharma center. Although their spiritual longing may be genuine, the emotional and cultural baggage that they bring along may cause them to seek relationships with spiritual teachers as father or authority figures. They may wish to establish such relationships to enable them to give up responsibility for making decisions in their lives. Many hope that this will make life easier and solve their problems.

Westerners who enter this type of overdependency relationship, however, do so only on a voluntary basis. No one likes to be forced to obey someone else. If people have chosen to submit themselves to another person, and they have chosen the individual to whom they submit, they usually feel comfortable with the situation."

~ From Relating to a Spiritual Teacher: Building a Healthy Relationship

Going further, I quietly wonder to myself if my need to find a god is related to this psyche's hunger. For instance:

"Sigmund Freud had suggested that God was a projection of the attributes of one's parents onto external reality. Carl Jung, in turn, had said that this projection was an expression of the father archetype ... and that it served the biological purpose of actualizing the father complex in the psyche of the individual. Archetypes for Jung were common, inherited, and unconscious mental facilities for guiding the behavioral development of the individual."

~ From God as an Expression of the Dominant Male Archetype

Friday, January 18, 2008


Have you ever loved so much that your body experienced physical reactions?

I felt love so deeply, I could feel it in my fingers.

I loved so deeply, that it felt as if my soul might be pulled from my body.

Love stimulation - it can be addictive, like a drug that one keeps getting high on.

I experience emotions so profoundly that they overwhelm me. I sit, inactive and lost in thought, and just let the sensations sweep over my body. Something pulls at me. I feel as though I might have a conscious out-of-body experience. I feel sensuality, too. There is an invisible soul-magnet, and it comes to tug on me.

Being human, I attribute the feelings to human things, but could it be something less mundane? Could it be that I am lusting after Oneness?

O dearest and most beloved,
Let me delight in you.
Or, if you like, delight in me.
Having forgotten ourself,
Let us blend once more.
For we are not two but One.

Verse Visions

Bounce, bounce, bounce
A ball in a barrell
Wood stained with wine

It's not technically a haiku but it was on my mind so I put it to paper. (Well, electronic paper.) I don't have to follow all the rules, do I? I suppose that even cosmic laws are flexible.

Verse like this comes spontaneously sometimes for me, so perhaps it is like a vision of sorts. Maybe I should try to interpret it?

I am bouncing up and down, depression and contentedness, depression and contentedness, within a bounded reality. These binds are placed here, obviously by myself, and I'm quite stained by the pattern. So, drink a glass of wine or beer and say "cheers" to change. Not only for me but for you, too. Yes you, you know who you are.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Hold Off On That Thought....

I have made an agreement with myself and family tonight that I am going to try to spend the next couple of days getting better on my own without the help of outside forces. Please disregard the previous post. In the event that things don't work out and I do end up leaving, I'll let you know. Sorry for the confusion. It's just that I would rather stay home instead of going somewhere that has not helped me in the past. ECT is a very attractive option to me and I have discussed it before with my doctor. I might just give that a try before I go for a stay in a hospital again. I've read many pages online that seem to attest to the benefits of ECT. I am not at all afraid of it. Old movies make it look bad ("One Flew Over a Cuckoo's Nest") but in the 21st century it is a very safe and painless therapy. There may be memory loss but that is a price I am willing to pay in order to find relief from depression.

"ECT is generally used in severely depressed patients for whom psychotherapy and medication are proving ineffective." ~

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 4

Not only am I reading to you, I am reading to myself. This vocal recording is the first time I have read these chapters. What you hear is also new to me. For example, I have not yet read chapter five. I am waiting until the time is right. When I read it to you, I will be reading it for the first time. So consider it fresh.

I do not know much about Khalil Gibran, only that I have for some time been wanting to read _The Prophet_. I first heard of it around September of 2004, when a female blogger from Prague, going by the name of "Esme-chan", mentioned it in a post. I have not read her blog since 2005, and tonight I went on a search for it. I've found it, though I see she has not posted for quite some time. October of 2005 was the date of her last posting. I wish I could tell her that I've begun to read it. When I first learned about it, I skimmed through some lines of it and became quite drawn to it. I promised myself I'd return to it at a more convenient time. Now is that time.

If you have not noticed, it is quite spellbinding. I have a feeling that Gibran was inspired. I do not yet know the moral of the story, or what its climax is, or how it ends. I simply know that he speaks to me, and I hear him from deep within my soul. From where do these beautiful passages come? I silently wonder to myself why they didn't teach this book in school. I had to read Ayn Rand, who, if you must know, put me to sleep. I couldn't even force myself to finish _The Fountainhead_. I finished only half of it, and then faked my way through the test. I was a senior in high school. I made an A, but only because I listened in class when they discussed it. Why Ayn Rand, who is stiff, when we could have had the experience of Gibran?

I am thankful for this experience, because textually and spiritually it has reached me at a time when not much gets through the wall that I have involuntarily built around myself. You might ask how one can "involuntarily" build a wall around themselves. I am unsure how to answer this question. I can only tell you that it seems lately I have been numb to most things. No doubt this is simply one of the consequences of living with depression.

I could babble on about this all night. So, without further ado, here is chapter four of _The Prophet_. For chapters one through three, you must visit my podcast blog.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


I continue to search for something, yet I do not know what this "something" is. I have a spiritual itch that cannot be scratched. I can't know for sure if there really is a call to be answered or if I am going mad. Is this only an obsession? Lately I am fraught with frustration, because I have looked all over the Internet - again and again - for something that might satisfy me. This seems to be an ongoing habit that has cycled on and off since the beginning of 2005. Three years of this, and I start to worry that the act of seeking is punishment for some bad deed from a previous life. It is a hunger that cannot be fed, a thirst that cannot be quenched, an ache for which no relief is to be found. Damn this longing! I'm beginning to believe that death alone will satiate the starvation of my soul.

There is only one center, but my compass does not function. It points in all directions; north and I move north, then south. I take one turn south and it turns eastward. I become dizzy. At times it appears that I'm all alone in this maze!

Earlier last year, I believed I had made so much progress and that what I sought was in my grasp. I was determined to find it, to accomplish some unnamed goal. The gap had become narrower, the distance between myself and spiritual enlightenment dwindled. Then, without warning, something forced me backwards with such a strong blow that it knocked me out of my senses. I became weak, confused, angry and irrational. Even now I look back on some of my recent behavior and shake my head in disbelief. Who was that? That couldn't have been me, could it?

I look back on all the dockings I've made and have realized that while aiming for the lighthouse, I've shipwrecked. I rendezvoused with Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Nonduality, New Ageism, and others, in no particular order. Who was I to undertake such an enterprise?

Stepping back and observing myself, as if in third person, I ask myself if this is some other need or desire masquerading as spiritual hunger? Why the monomania? Is my solicitation of a spiritual teacher simply an urge for a father figure? I have a father that I communicate with almost daily, so that couldn't be it, could it?

Is it God I seek? Is God a mindless organism that simply exists, or does God will things to happen? Is there a god, or is all this an accident? How can there be an accident without something to cause it? What is my purpose? Will I be reborn into another pitiful creature's body? Please, God, don't make me go through this again!

I regret to inform whoever is reading this, that my search will continue on, as not even I can cease this habit. Every day, from now until the moment I perish, I will look. I will turn over every rock. I will beg answers from the most wise of men and women until I have accomplished my mission. God help me if it takes forever!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

N.A. - Needers Anonymous

Hi, my name is Sophia and I crave love.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 3

I read these to you as though we are sitting beside a campfire in the night, the light from the moon scattered between the trees, the stars twinkling high in the sky above us. We can smell the smoke from the fire, and our clothes, too, hold onto the scent. In each others' eyes we can see a sparkle, the reflection from the flames. Crickets and frogs chirp in the background, all in chorus, so as to become one distinct organism. The surrounding air tonight is cool, but we are warmed by the fire. Its embers, like fireflies, flitter here and there into the space above us. We are roasting marshmellows as we prepare the S'mores.

In this chapter, The Prophet speaks of marriage.

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

For chapters one and two, visit this link: Sophia W. Podcast

Friday, January 4, 2008

To You. Who Are You? Are You Out There?

Slave to thinking,
What an abomination!
Hunger, thirst,
For higher consciousness!
Mind, ahead of heart,
Pawn of deep thought.
Why revere, man of flesh,
Blood and bones?
Take these reins,
Guide me!
Separate the force,
The thought, the will.
This self-possession!
Give to me,
I will obey,
Cosmic laws,
Not while sleeping!
Allow me to develop,
Spiritual senses,
Sound reason!
Free me from the ordinary,
That you must,
If you please!
Exceeding existance,
Lies in wait.

Do not let my soul remain a miscarriage!

Inspired by _Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and Its Attainment_: Chapter VIII, by Rudolph Steiner, [1947]

"...For once a mistake is made and one of the soul-forces falls a prey to unbridled excess, the higher soul comes into existence as a miscarriage. The unrestrained force pervades the individual's entire personality, and for a long time there can be no question of the balance being restored. What appears to be a harmless characteristic as long as its possessor is without esoteric training, namely, a predominance of thinking or feeling or willing, is so intensified in an esoteric student that the universally human element, indispensable for life, becomes obscured."

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Toothbrushes, Cats, Spiritual Teachers, Alcohol, Sanity, Honesty

I have finally found a toothbrush that gives my teeth that just-left-the-dentist's-office clean feeling. It's the OralB Pulsar brush. It's battery powered. However, you can't replace the battery once dead. I have no idea how long one lasts, but I'm an obsessive-compulsive teeth brusher, meaning I normally spend five to seven minutes during each session brushing my teeth. Therefore, the battery probably won't last long. I think the brush cost about $7.00 from Walgreens, but I got it for free after rebate. I've had it now for several weeks. Yes, I love my toothbrush.

My cat Peachy is going to the vet for the second time in a month. The first time I took her in for a wart she was getting on her head. This time I'm taking her in for a fatty tumor that is growing on her back. It moves around when I touch it, so I don't know if I should be concerned or not. I worry anyway, because she's getting so small from age and her heart is in really bad shape. I don't think she'll live much longer and it tears me up inside, because she's been my best friend for eight years. She sleeps with me in the bed, tucked-up cradled in my arm, and sits on my shoulder during the times that I'm on the computer, which sometimes can be for hours. She's been there for me when I've cried. I've bonded with her more than any other animal. She's really weak and lethargic. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to have her put to sleep. I'll be lost without her.

I still want to find my very own esoteric or spiritual teacher. I gave up looking only when I had mistakenly confused someone else for my teacher. I had a tendency to cling to someone that I no longer need to cling to. I don't know why my need to cling ended, it just did. Maybe it was boredom. I don't want to jump in to anything, though, so I'm being very cautious about it. I'm not even actively looking. Someday it will happen. I'll meet someone who will just blow me away, and I will know inside that they are my teacher. Go ahead, tell me that I'm my own teacher. I know. That's what they all say. But if I was my own teacher, then I'd know more answers than I do now. I'd have more knowledge and ability than I have now. I'd be less weak and drama-oriented. I would be stronger. I do not know what path I want to follow. For a while recently I dabbled in nonduality. I liked it there, but that does not mean that I will end-up there. I want to explore. I want to meet some secret aged eccentric reclusive sage. I want that sage to think I'm special enough that I'll be worth his time to educate. What will I learn? More nonduality? Special powers? Abilities? Psychicism? Telepathy? Astral projection? Ventures into other dimensions? Hey, I'm open to anything. Even just plain old knowledge or secrets. Yes, especially secret knowledge. Give it to me.

I don't have a new year's resolution this year. I wasn't going to be stupid enough to make one after having failed more than two decades of keeping them. I deemed it a waste of time. Why not enjoy the holiday without one? All I had was a sip or two of Asti Spamanti bubbly wine or champagne. I didn't like it. We poured the rest out. I had wanted Raspberry Lambic, but we didn't make it to "The Keg" in time for New Year's, so I went without. Lambic is a $10 bottle of beer that is imported from Belgium. I discovered it at a bar near my university and I've enjoyed it ever since. It's my drink of choice, although I do like sweet red wine, too. Strawberry daiquiries are nice at restaurants occasionally.

Now that we are remodeling our home, I hope that I will be more dutiful at keeping it organized. It got so messy that my mother had "the look" in her eye whenever she visited. "The look" is the look she gets probably when she is disgusted and wishes terribly that she could speak her mind, but doesn't. She keeps it to herself. I have this excuse that I give myself to explain away the messiness. I was a straight A math student in college and I have a nice IQ, so I just play it off as though I'm an eccentric messy genius.

You know what? I have a selfish request. Could you please comment on this post by telling me if you enjoy my blog or not. Please give reasons that support your approval or disapproval. I really want to gauge the interest that people have in this blog, to see if I'm doing things right or if I need to make changes. I don't know what people want. Sometimes I give all I have to give, but I'm sure I could dig up something new. It's not that I'm trying to collect friends or approval, I just have an honest curiosity about the readers of this blog. I want to know who reads it. I want to know why you read it. I want to know where you're from. I want to know how often you visit. Could you do this? If you like, you can always stay anonymous so that I don't know who you are. Just talk to me. Say something, even if you tell me that you think I'm terribly boring.

I guess soon I'll be posting again about esoteric texts, and also I'll continue to read Khalil Gibran. I'll try to bring this blog back to a semblence of sanity. I don't know that I can completely get rid of the drama, but I'll try to at least decrease it a bit. When I'm feeling spiritual again it'll be just like the old days, like when you first started to visit this blog and thought it was going to continue to be a good read. I think I failed you. I've worried about that lately. I've thought that maybe I've revealed too much. There's a fine line that once you cross, there's no turning back. Crossing that line just lets the world see how much of a baffoon you really are. It's called making a fool of oneself.

These were just some random things I wanted to say tonight. Some of it was influenced by my sleeping pill, but maybe that means I was being more honest than usual.