Thursday, January 3, 2008

Toothbrushes, Cats, Spiritual Teachers, Alcohol, Sanity, Honesty

I have finally found a toothbrush that gives my teeth that just-left-the-dentist's-office clean feeling. It's the OralB Pulsar brush. It's battery powered. However, you can't replace the battery once dead. I have no idea how long one lasts, but I'm an obsessive-compulsive teeth brusher, meaning I normally spend five to seven minutes during each session brushing my teeth. Therefore, the battery probably won't last long. I think the brush cost about $7.00 from Walgreens, but I got it for free after rebate. I've had it now for several weeks. Yes, I love my toothbrush.

My cat Peachy is going to the vet for the second time in a month. The first time I took her in for a wart she was getting on her head. This time I'm taking her in for a fatty tumor that is growing on her back. It moves around when I touch it, so I don't know if I should be concerned or not. I worry anyway, because she's getting so small from age and her heart is in really bad shape. I don't think she'll live much longer and it tears me up inside, because she's been my best friend for eight years. She sleeps with me in the bed, tucked-up cradled in my arm, and sits on my shoulder during the times that I'm on the computer, which sometimes can be for hours. She's been there for me when I've cried. I've bonded with her more than any other animal. She's really weak and lethargic. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to have her put to sleep. I'll be lost without her.

I still want to find my very own esoteric or spiritual teacher. I gave up looking only when I had mistakenly confused someone else for my teacher. I had a tendency to cling to someone that I no longer need to cling to. I don't know why my need to cling ended, it just did. Maybe it was boredom. I don't want to jump in to anything, though, so I'm being very cautious about it. I'm not even actively looking. Someday it will happen. I'll meet someone who will just blow me away, and I will know inside that they are my teacher. Go ahead, tell me that I'm my own teacher. I know. That's what they all say. But if I was my own teacher, then I'd know more answers than I do now. I'd have more knowledge and ability than I have now. I'd be less weak and drama-oriented. I would be stronger. I do not know what path I want to follow. For a while recently I dabbled in nonduality. I liked it there, but that does not mean that I will end-up there. I want to explore. I want to meet some secret aged eccentric reclusive sage. I want that sage to think I'm special enough that I'll be worth his time to educate. What will I learn? More nonduality? Special powers? Abilities? Psychicism? Telepathy? Astral projection? Ventures into other dimensions? Hey, I'm open to anything. Even just plain old knowledge or secrets. Yes, especially secret knowledge. Give it to me.

I don't have a new year's resolution this year. I wasn't going to be stupid enough to make one after having failed more than two decades of keeping them. I deemed it a waste of time. Why not enjoy the holiday without one? All I had was a sip or two of Asti Spamanti bubbly wine or champagne. I didn't like it. We poured the rest out. I had wanted Raspberry Lambic, but we didn't make it to "The Keg" in time for New Year's, so I went without. Lambic is a $10 bottle of beer that is imported from Belgium. I discovered it at a bar near my university and I've enjoyed it ever since. It's my drink of choice, although I do like sweet red wine, too. Strawberry daiquiries are nice at restaurants occasionally.

Now that we are remodeling our home, I hope that I will be more dutiful at keeping it organized. It got so messy that my mother had "the look" in her eye whenever she visited. "The look" is the look she gets probably when she is disgusted and wishes terribly that she could speak her mind, but doesn't. She keeps it to herself. I have this excuse that I give myself to explain away the messiness. I was a straight A math student in college and I have a nice IQ, so I just play it off as though I'm an eccentric messy genius.

You know what? I have a selfish request. Could you please comment on this post by telling me if you enjoy my blog or not. Please give reasons that support your approval or disapproval. I really want to gauge the interest that people have in this blog, to see if I'm doing things right or if I need to make changes. I don't know what people want. Sometimes I give all I have to give, but I'm sure I could dig up something new. It's not that I'm trying to collect friends or approval, I just have an honest curiosity about the readers of this blog. I want to know who reads it. I want to know why you read it. I want to know where you're from. I want to know how often you visit. Could you do this? If you like, you can always stay anonymous so that I don't know who you are. Just talk to me. Say something, even if you tell me that you think I'm terribly boring.

I guess soon I'll be posting again about esoteric texts, and also I'll continue to read Khalil Gibran. I'll try to bring this blog back to a semblence of sanity. I don't know that I can completely get rid of the drama, but I'll try to at least decrease it a bit. When I'm feeling spiritual again it'll be just like the old days, like when you first started to visit this blog and thought it was going to continue to be a good read. I think I failed you. I've worried about that lately. I've thought that maybe I've revealed too much. There's a fine line that once you cross, there's no turning back. Crossing that line just lets the world see how much of a baffoon you really are. It's called making a fool of oneself.

These were just some random things I wanted to say tonight. Some of it was influenced by my sleeping pill, but maybe that means I was being more honest than usual.

Terrific.

36 comments:

jim said...

Well, well, well, drama is just a part of normal life, we live it, we move on, you know how it is, I enjoy your life, makes me feel loved and with company.

I visit and read for the reason given above, you, your life, even if it scuba diving down south, or your pets or whatever, I just simply want it all.

I am an obsessive tooth brusher too, have lots of tooth brushes and use different things, salt, baking soda, paste, mouthwash, drinking alcohol, water, these things in any combination, but don't recommend anything to anyone, get your own agendas for this. I might get me one of those brushes tho, long as it doesn't plug in and have a cord, sounds like a lazy day under a tree to me, just brushing brushing away, hardly moving, just relaxing, thinking, meditating, soaring....yep, might get me one of those.

See, that is why I come to your blog, real life, a friend, company, companionship, plus love and spirit. What more could a person want?

You are special, a treat to me, a jewel in the rough, life is a rough, you are a jewel. I don't collect people either, but I have a necklace, lol.

Love you Sophia!

jim said...

I got so laid back, I forgot to check the email box, lol.

Lucid said...

Happy New Year Sophia!!!

I too enjoy your blog. I have enjoyed your journey so far. I see that as much as you want to be outside the body and enlightened, you are also quite down to earth and real!!!

Best wishes moving into the year of 08'!!!

xoxo Lucid

Siegfried said...

Not telling is more seductive than saying it.
Assume that they like and enjoy it.
Assume that everyone likes you.
If they've fallen in love, that's even better.

Vincent said...

"Could you please comment on this post by telling me if you enjoy my blog or not." Well, as my ex-wife used to say to me, "I'm still here, aren't I?" And I don't mean by that that I'll soon be an ex-visitor to your blog.

It's your honesty that keeps me coming. I would have preferred it if there was some thread linking the paragraphs of this post, so that it made more of a coherent whole. I would have preferred it if there was more tongue-in-cheek self mockery. I have wondered for a while why you read out Khalil Gibran and post the recording, but then I'm a reader rather than a listener, and a listener rather than a viewer. I prefer not to read about such topics as pet cats, toothbrushes, battery-powered appliances in general, searches for spiritual teachers, new years' resolutions, house-messiness, raspberry-flavoured beer and mothers' baleful looks.

But none of these preferences, which I have never realized previously that I had, stops me reading your lovely blog (I nearly said "column") and my heart lifts up when Google Reader says you have posted a new one, no matter what the topics, because I expect this is the nearest way I will get to knowing you, dear Sophia.

Christi said...

I started reading your journal after our first few emails because I wanted to be your friend and figured that I would learn a great deal about you that way, to see if it was something that might happen.

I keep reading because I am your friend and I care about how things are going in your World and enjoy hearing the things you muse about.

With hope,
~ Christi

Sophia said...

Jumpin' Jehosophat! You guys are great. I was honestly just on a mission to get something like "customer feedback" so that I could make my blog more readable, and you all gave me that and then some! Thanks for sharing the love. :)

Sophia said...

Jim,

How sweet, you even remember my scuba diving adventures in Mexico from 2005. That means a lot to me, to know that I'm not forgettable. :)

Thanks for sharing your company with me. It's nice to know, in a world that's easy to feel alone in, that there's a friend just an email away.

By the way, if you go to Google and type in "OralB Pulsar battery replacement", you can find tips and tricks on how to replace the AAA battery that is part of the toothbrush, even though they tell you that it can't be replaced. You have to cheat a little. That way, the toothbrush that would normally only last one month, could actually last the full three months that it should last. Well, at least they say you're supposed to get rid of toothbrushes after three months. The OralB Pulsar is only built to last one month because of the battery.

Sophia said...

Lucid, that is the perfect way to put it: I want to be out of the body and enlightened!

Thanks for your visits. I'm wishing you a spiritual year for 2008!

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

Maybe my tendency to reveal too much makes me less seductive! I'll have to work on that. ;)

Cheers to falling in love. May we all fall in love with each other. I know some people would be like, "What's she talking about? She can't go falling in love with everyone!" If they said that, they'd be mistaken about the real meaning of love.

Sophia said...

Vincent,

Hehee... When I re-read, "Could you please comment on this post by telling me if you enjoy my blog or not," I feel a little embarrassed that I put the question that way. Maybe it made me seem a bit childish. But then I admit to being childish every now and then. I work with surveys all day long and yet I cannot make my own survey sound professional. :)

I know you, and that you're a writer and therefore correct grammar and language usage are important to you, so I understand that it might have bothered you a bit to see me jumping around so much in this particular post. I don't know what I was up to. I was, in a way, writing a type of stream-of-consciousness, I suppose. The best way I can explain things, is to say that I was feeling an overwhelming urge to communicate, and I had so many things I wanted to say in a short time that I rushed it.

I post the readings of Khalil Gibran for a couple of reasons, actually, and I'll be happy to explain them to you. Firstly, I've never read _The Prophet_, and I wanted to read it for myself. However, I had the idea that making voice recordings would allow people to feel closer to me by hearing my voice.

Speaking of feeling closer to people, your last paragraph, especially, has made my heart pitter-patter and I felt joy at reading it. Thanks for giving me such a splendid feeling today.

If you are interested in knowing, I am delighted in having an opportunity to get to know you, too.

Siegfried said...

Sophia,
Don't tell or show anybody you're interested. It will save you a lot of time and energy.

Sophia said...

Christi,

I was actually worried that the craziness I display on my blog might turn you off. I say and do some pretty strange things on my blog. And if they're things that I do, and I'M calling them weird, they must really be weird. But I know I worry too much about what other people think; I just can't stop worrying even though I know I do it.

Well, I need to try to be more social this year. I wanted a local friend, and when I got one, I chickened out. I guess it's because right now I'm too worried about my physical appearance. I put on weight after I started taking medication for depression. When I felt attractive, I was very social. In fact, people would comment on how outgoing I was. Not anymore, though.

I have thought about you often, and I wonder what you're like. I keep saying to myself that you and I are going to get together for an outing some time. I thought going to a movie, like Sweeney Todd, would be nice. Dinner might be fun, too, if I didn't worry so much about the possibility of spilling food down my shirt or something. I always worry about the small stuff when I'm first meeting someone. Daggon social anxiety.

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

I know you're right. I've wasted a lot of energy trying to show particular people that I was really interested in them. Sometimes I overdo things.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I feel emotions so strongly that they can overwhelm me. I wish I could be numb sometimes, like some people.

Siegfried said...

Sophia,
Pretend you don't have them. Maybe you think you need to show people interest or emotions to attract them. This is a fallacy. The more you ignore people the more they become interested. Assuming you are attractive enough. Which you are.
Just step back. And see what happens.
If people don't fall for it, just say next.

Siegfried said...

If you show someone you are in love or interested, he thinks he has conquered you already. So he starts looking around for bigger castles.
Avoid being needy. It kills attraction instantly.

Siegfried said...

Attract people on the strength of charater and personality. Of course physical appearance and grooming are very important, they give you some starting advantage especially if you are woman. But don't count on it. You will be dumped as soon as you become very needy and weak.

goatman said...

What the heck is a jehosophat? ( speller is having a coronary on this one!) Scuba is it?
Why change what is you? Many questions . . .
I love your blog and hope we may continue forthing and backing.

Sophia said...

Siegfried, it sounds like what you're describing is the play-hard-to-get game. Believe it or not I've never played it before.

I just want to love everybody and have everybody love me. I've always thought you had to give love to receive love.

I don't know, do I seem needy?

Sophia said...

Hehee, Goatman, Jehosophat is a king from the Bible. It's alliterative to say "Jumpin' Jehosophat!" It's an expression of surprise.

I don't think I really can change what is me, but I can pretend that I've changed. :)

I like backing and forthing with you, too. May we continue to do so for many years!

Christi said...

I completely understand about social anxiety and appearance things. Honestly, it's why while I make offers of things to do, I don't ever push to ensure they're accomplished. *g*

As to what I'm like, I'm just me. I'm paranoid and self-conscious, giggly and perky, emo and melancholy, silly and shy all at the same time. I'm a basket of contradictions wrapped in a blanket of conundrums... and I don't have the faintest idea why people like me. I am very thankful that some do though.

*hugs*

We'll get there eventually, I'm content to wait. Friendship is like wine and good cheese, it's better with age.

With love,
~ Christi

Siegfried said...

Sophia,
I think my real intention is to help you recover from a broken heart, if you have one, and prevent things from happening again in the same way.
The way I see it, men don't really like being "only friends" with women they find interesting. Even if there is a lot of sexual tension involved, many will not put up with it. So they may start looking around for something more exciting.
The other possibility is that you might be playing the role of a coquette, giving men intellectual company and emotional involvement but witholding sexual and physical intimacy. This can drive men crazy.
I won't elaborate for fear of giving you wrong ideas.

Siegfried said...

I don't know, do I seem needy?
Good question! I have to ask myself this question too.
Well yes, I am needy. It's probably natural and normal to be needy. It's an instinct we all have. It probably has something to do with the mating instinct.
It's a form of attachment that can become stronger if fed. Neediness is strong attachment to self or self-mage. It manifest itself as lack of self-esteem. Not believing we are good or worthy enough. Or fear of not getting what we want or need in order to enhance our self-image. Addiction to an ideal.

Siegfried said...

I'm still trying to figure it out.
Perhaps on the unconscious level it has something to do with fear of not getting the attention we crave from the opposite sex. Or not getting enough love and affection. In reality, men and women need sex to reproduce as well as love and affection. Maybe I am too simplistic.
How to avoid being needy? Just be optimistic. Be attractive by knowing how to be. Play the game. ;>)

Vincent said...

No, there is only one way to cure neediness. It is to get what you really need.

Siegfried said...

Vincent,
Too simplistic! ;>)
Well if you know what you need and know how to get it, you'll get it. Maybe you're natural at it.
But if you think you don't really need it, that's probably the end of neediness. Not really sure.

Vincent said...

There is nothing simplistic about knowing what you really need and getting it. This is life's project if we understand it correctly.

I am not talking about the various desires that trouble us at a superficial level. I am talking about realizing the reason I as an individual was born: my personal mission. Neediness is like a magnet that helps take us there.

Mossy said...

Yes I still like your blog.

Spirtituality is about becoming more objective or more one with the universe. I think that this means that we eventually have to let go of the feeling of being special. But it takes a very long time.

Sophia said...

Christi,

I like your approach to friendship. I only have one old friend. (By "old" I mean length of time as friends.) We went to college together and became very close. Both of us loved math, and both of us have long hair. We were practically neighbors for a couple of years. She'd walk to my house or I'd walk to hers, and we'd take walks and talk about our lives. Sometimes we'd laugh and sometimes we'd cry. But then, she got a job as a high school math teacher at a town that is about an hour away. Now, I hardly ever see or talk to her. We get together about two or three times a year, but I miss having her around.

I like your gentleness and your patience. You're also cheery. I like that.

I think I still have those coupons to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Sophia said...

Siegfried, I don't think you're giving me the wrong ideas. I'm listening. Well, we both drifted apart so it wasn't only his fault. I just regret the loss of a friend and confidante. I don't get close to people easily. I honestly don't know how I let him in to begin with. I just don't want to go on another hunt for someone who is exactly like him. I guess I'm ready for someone else to take his place, anyway, and I don't feel so needy anymore. I don't email him regularly anymore. I don't feel a need to. I don't even want to.

I guess there is only so far a friendship can go online. There's only so much you can say over the course of 16 months. After that, you run out of things to say, then you start talking about the weather, and about news articles you find on the Internet, and about computers and less personal things. The excitement I used to have in checking my email for notes from him disappeared. I can't explain it, but he was very limited anyway. I can't say any more about that, though.

This is the second time this has happened with him (the first time was in 2004). This time I don't have a broken heart and I'm very glad about that.

Maybe I've said too much.

Oh well.

Thanks for your concern and for sharing your wisdom. I rather like your wisdom.

Sophia said...

Vincent, that's a good idea. :)

Sophia said...

Mossy, I am a bit too selfish to be completely spiritual. I'm selfish because I try to get all my needs met, especially my emotional needs.

I wonder to myself if others are like me, or were like me, and if so, how old were they when they started to not have any cares about their own emotional needs.

I wish I could put a stop to my own selfishness. Because then, I could become selfless, and give more of myself to the world. At the moment I don't think I am giving anything. I send out love energy but that doesn't save anyone from anything. That doesn't put an end to hunger, disasters or other life-threatening things.

Mossy said...

I think that your powerful sense of justice might come between you and your heart now and then.

You do not know why people have to suffer. It could be necessary to prevent worse suffering latter on, or it could be needed to wake them up. Besides, suffering does not preclude love. Perhaps these are some who suffer and yet are loved.

I am one of the most selfish people I know but it does not stop me from trying I am not sure that it matters because we are becoming something else, not an improved version of what we were.

You do not have to be a beautiful caterpiller to become a beautiful butterfly.

Sophia said...

Mossy,

Maybe my sense of justice comes from having to feel that everything remains in balance, or that everything is fair. I don't like knowing that I take more energy than I give. It makes me feel like a psychic vampire.

jon be me said...

about searching for a teacher, when you stop searching, you will find, in time, it.

Soph, your blog is one of my favorites, along with jim and sieg and a few others. Why? Good question that has no answer. It just attracts me. Great minds attract, right? Or so they say...

:)

Vincent said...

Is this an article of faith with you, JonBeMe, or have you personally found "it" (the teacher)?