Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Soliloquy

I continue to search for something, yet I do not know what this "something" is. I have a spiritual itch that cannot be scratched. I can't know for sure if there really is a call to be answered or if I am going mad. Is this only an obsession? Lately I am fraught with frustration, because I have looked all over the Internet - again and again - for something that might satisfy me. This seems to be an ongoing habit that has cycled on and off since the beginning of 2005. Three years of this, and I start to worry that the act of seeking is punishment for some bad deed from a previous life. It is a hunger that cannot be fed, a thirst that cannot be quenched, an ache for which no relief is to be found. Damn this longing! I'm beginning to believe that death alone will satiate the starvation of my soul.

There is only one center, but my compass does not function. It points in all directions; north and I move north, then south. I take one turn south and it turns eastward. I become dizzy. At times it appears that I'm all alone in this maze!

Earlier last year, I believed I had made so much progress and that what I sought was in my grasp. I was determined to find it, to accomplish some unnamed goal. The gap had become narrower, the distance between myself and spiritual enlightenment dwindled. Then, without warning, something forced me backwards with such a strong blow that it knocked me out of my senses. I became weak, confused, angry and irrational. Even now I look back on some of my recent behavior and shake my head in disbelief. Who was that? That couldn't have been me, could it?

I look back on all the dockings I've made and have realized that while aiming for the lighthouse, I've shipwrecked. I rendezvoused with Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Nonduality, New Ageism, and others, in no particular order. Who was I to undertake such an enterprise?

Stepping back and observing myself, as if in third person, I ask myself if this is some other need or desire masquerading as spiritual hunger? Why the monomania? Is my solicitation of a spiritual teacher simply an urge for a father figure? I have a father that I communicate with almost daily, so that couldn't be it, could it?

Is it God I seek? Is God a mindless organism that simply exists, or does God will things to happen? Is there a god, or is all this an accident? How can there be an accident without something to cause it? What is my purpose? Will I be reborn into another pitiful creature's body? Please, God, don't make me go through this again!

I regret to inform whoever is reading this, that my search will continue on, as not even I can cease this habit. Every day, from now until the moment I perish, I will look. I will turn over every rock. I will beg answers from the most wise of men and women until I have accomplished my mission. God help me if it takes forever!

57 comments:

Paul S. said...

Hi Sophia,

I was looking for enlightenment and I found Tathagata, the man who teaches about Karma.

He has written articles such as What is Destiny ? What is Karma ? What is Life ?

You can find his teachings on his website. He is also available for answering people's questions..

His website is located at http://www.tathagata.co.uk/

Thanks,
Paul

Cookiemouse said...

The answer lies within us, as indeed does the question. Times of doubt and despair are just ripples on the ocean of spacetime. When you experience pain ask yourself where does it come from and where does it go. Trust yourself and be confident. The habit of joy can be learned just like anything else.

Siegfried said...

Just be there! Have fun! Be open!

goatman said...

Thought of you as I read this quote in an old "Sun" magazine:

"There are very few human beings who recieve the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."
by Anais Nin

I suspect that even the most enlightened of us have doubts. But we must continue on with life and anxiously await the next surprise!

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

Hi Paul,

Thank you for the visit. I have actually seen Tathagata's web site before, although I have not read a lot on it yet. How's that for a synchronicity?

I will explore the page further.

Sophia said...

Cookie,

If it weren't for the pain, I'd not know happiness, and I have known happiness. It's kind of sad, though, that we have to experience things in such extremes in order to keep from taking joy for granted.

Sophia said...

Hi dear Siegfried,

It's fun just trying to figure everything out. The process occupies me, and I can appreciate that.

I'm open, and open-minded. :)

How are you today?

Sophia said...

Goatman,

Of course I would love to know all of Truth spontaneously, but I have a strange feeling my body and mind could not handle it if it were delivered so quickly. Maybe I should be content with taking things a step at a time. The only problem is that sometimes it feels like I'm taking steps back.

Sophia said...

Hi Chris,

My search has taken me to many places, but mostly the Internet Sacred Texts archive which I absolutely love. There are many texts on esoteric subjects there. I have not read any of them in their entirety, but it is fulfilling to read a bit here and there.

How are you? I hope you are enjoying the new year.

jim said...

You are doing fine, keep on!

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

Hi Jim, I'm going to just keep on keeping on. You do the same!

Sophia said...

Chris,

Read any interesting esoteric or spiritual texts lately, and if so, do you have any messages from them that you'd like to share?

Or, do you have any messages you'd like to share in general?

Thanks.

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

Ouch.

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

I just wanted to tell you that I enjoy reading your blog. It seems like everything you say applies to me. It's as if you wrote the blog just for me. I must be vain if I feel this way.

Anyway, I couldn't tell you this on your blog because you have comments turned off, and I don't have your email address so I couldn't write to tell you.

Chris said...
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Siegfried said...

Sophia,
Well, it aplies to both of us and another girl. I have both of you in my mind. As well as myself. We're all going thru the same thing.

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

I'm jealous. I want you all to myself.

Hehee... just kidding. :)

Siegfried said...

She seemed to be suffering from a broken heart. Unrequited love. I was not responsible. But she seems to be doing fine now, I guess. I had been worried about her; I thought she had disappeared completely.
She's back.
She's very pretty and talented. But she had become a victim of love.

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

Sometime, you could start a generic email account somewhere and give me the address. I have some things to say but I can't say them here.

You are being more secretive than I am.

Siegfried said...

But I guess there is no such thing as unrequited love. People just pretend they are witholding love. To attract, win, and enslave. Just an idea.
Or maybe it's because we're supposed to be loyal to one person. ;>)
I'm quite naive sometimes.

Siegfried said...

Sophia,
I can't give you my email addresses because they are open to a number of people. One or more people can actually read them.
I'll think of something.
Also, I don't want to reveal too many things to you. About myself and other people.
It seems like I am becoming very attractive. ;>) I said goodbye to one person and found myself becoming involved with more... I don't have that much time and energy.

Rachel said...

You ask yourself some very important questions, the most important of which is "why are you searching?" Look deep within yourself for the answer, and then you will know WHAT you are searching for, and that will make it easier to find the answers or enlightenment you seek.

This might be a bit out of left field, but it seems to me that you are in search of something to fill some inner void, some missing part of yourself. But what if that void you feel is not real? What if that missing piece was never really gone, or never belonged there in the first place? Or maybe it doesn't even exist? What I mean to suggest is that perhaps the reality you feel SHOULD be is not the reality that actually IS?

These nay be nonsense questions, but they could help you figure out your path.

Also, I must say that it saddens me that you say that you will never stop searching, that it is a "habit" you can't break. Because that leads me to think that that sudden reversal from last year, when you lost sight of your destination (I forget how you phrased it), is naught but your inner self running away from the 'answer' because something in you doesn't WANT to stop searching--that you are "addicted" to the medication that having a purpose outside of yourself gives you.

I am almost a Taoist in my spiritual thinking. The Tao might help you find your path. I recommend reading "Everyday Tao" by Deng Ming Tao.

Rachel said...

Excuse me, that's "everyday tao" by Deng Ming DAO

Mark said...

That which you seek, you already have. Look within, dive deep for that is where you will find what you seek. Stay open!

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

Not to worry. If you ever get your own secret address, you can give it to me when you like. I wasn't going to play 20 Questions with you. I just enjoy your wisdom sometimes and I see I can find that on your blog if I ever need it. It was only that there are some things I could tell you that I have to withhold from this blog. I'm fairly open here, as you know, but I can't be 100% open.

Sophia said...

Rachel,

I received an email this week from a gentleman whose blog I had commented on. (If you'd like to look him up, his name is Stewart Bitkoff. He has a very nice web page and he writes books, too.) He said we were created with this emptiness that can only be filled with spiritual knowledge. He called it the "Great Hunger". He said that when substitutes are used, they don't last. I have long sought substitutes, especially since my teens, but back then I didn't know I had a spiritual hunger. Now I know what it is that I am trying to feed. I did some crazy things when I was younger. If my mother had known, she'd probably go crazy. I did all of that, though, because I was trying to fulfill some need inside of me. Now I'm not so wild.

I do fear that the reality I seek does not exist. I hope I'm not just being delusional. But I do take comfort in the fact that many people before me have gone through the same thing. I just hope it's not something biological masquerading as something spiritual. Who knows, maybe someday science will find God in our brains.

I will keep an eye out for the book you've recommended.

Thanks for your input, Rachel. You've got heart.

Sophia said...

Thanks, Mark.

Why is it so difficult to find something that we possess? Perhaps the followers of nonduality are right. It might be the loss of ego that scares the living daylights out of us. It takes a lot of energy to get rid of it. I think it's immortal.

Chris said...
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steve_loir said...

Chris is saying there may be a short cut.
Douglas Harding showed me one. It may be for you.
http://www.headless.org/index.html
This is a method that must be done, not thought about, and not for everyone.
Enjoy the journey!
Steve

Chris said...
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jon be me said...

The answer lies in where YOU find it. I think, sophia, that to zig zag around the maze is normal for most people. I know it is for me. In the past, I've reached points where I think to myself, "this is it!", I'm on my way, only to find myself lost again on that journey to find IT, whatever IT may be. I know one thing though, as long as I have gas in this car, I'm gonna keep driving it...might park for the night in a strange, dark parking lot but the next day, as the sun rises and lights the path, I'm off on my way again....
Hang in there, we need you!

Sophia said...

Chris,

I also believe that eventually everyone will be enlightened. I just have this fear that it will take many lifetimes to reach it. Lamas must be fearless to vow to come back over and over again, because it's hard enough just living one life.

Is madness one of the risks that are involved? I don't know if my own madness is a result of my spirituality or if my spirituality is a result of my madness. Sometimes I ask myself if my spirituality is only a band-aid for my emotional wounds.

Is the experience and feeling something that is... well, obvious? I mean, does it hit you that what you're feeling is real as opposed to just imagined?

Sophia said...

Hi Steve,

Hey, believe it or not I think I've landed on that web page before. The first time, a friend named Sperry sent me there. The second time I arrived there by reading a forum post in which someone was talking about one of the headless methods that involved drawing yourself from first person view, so that you didn't see a head in the drawing. I've never been disciplined enough to stay at one site long enough to get much from it. They say that three times a charm so maybe a third view will make me spend some time there.

Thanks. I'll also check out your blog. I'm hoping to have some free time soon. If I don't have free time in the next week, I'll be even more insane than I already am.

Sophia said...

Hi Jon,

I'm glad to know I'm not the only persistent spiritual seeker on the planet. Maybe I'm also insatiable. Luckily, for me and you, there seem to be lots of spiritual gas stations to stop at when our tanks start getting empty.

Hope you had a lovely weekend. Thanks for stopping by.

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

I know I am not a Lama. I'd have to be more helpful towards others to be one, and right now I'm the one asking for all the help. :) Maybe someday I can be a lama, though. Would I be setting my goals too high?

I don't know what kind of guilt trip I'm on. I guess I just worry that I ask too much of people. So yes, I do feel guilty. I must have some sort of guilt-complex. It might come from my childhood. I just did a Google search and found this page. I haven't read it yet but it says that feeling extremely guilty may come from an emotional imbalance. Who would've thought I had an emotional imbalance? ;)

http://www.charminghealth.com/applicability/guilt.htm

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

But being me means having all these flaws.

I want to be the old me. The me I was in 2001, for instance, when I was popular, pretty, a party animal, social, fearless. Especially fearless.

The only thing I'd have changed about the old me is that I would have been more spiritual.

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

There might not be a rule against it, but I bet achieving it is like fighting one man against an army.

Maybe I should become a spiritual Spartan. Spartans were, after all, fearless.

Chris said...
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Chris said...
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Sophia said...

It would only be a story. :(

Sophia said...

No one told me that. I'm just going off my own experience, which mostly is a struggle.

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

If it were real it would be magic for sure. :)

Chris said...
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Sophia said...

Just surrender?

Chris said...
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Chris said...
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Sophia said...

I am about to become someone new every day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be someone else. :)

I know what you're saying, though.

Thanks.

I better be off to bed. My dad is picking me up tomorrow to take me to eat breakfast. He wants to get me out of the house. He's such an early bird, though. He wanted to pick me up at 7:30am! I told him he was nuts. :) So now it's 9:30am. Thank goodness.

Goodnight.

Chris said...
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Chris said...
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jon be me said...

Sophia,
after reading this post when you posted it, I posted a post based on this post..."blinded by the light" ... on my site last week. If you have time....

thanks
JBM