Monday, January 28, 2008

Change of Heart

I'm going to be deleting some posts from my blog. I hope you all don't mind. I will keep the comments, but erase what was typed in some of my more desperate moments. I plan on doing this tomorrow or Wednesday night.

Why do I always regret what I said or did moments, days or weeks ago? If only I had the power of hindsight.

I haven't decided yet; I may or may not keep this blog. I'd like to start over somewhere new. There was once a time when this blog was created so that I could start fresh from somewhere else, and now look at what it's become. It's a chaotic tour of all the topsy-turvy thoughts and emotions I go through every day. I really don't think it's very flattering to allow others to witness my weaknesses.

Sometimes, I regret confessing things, too. I'll be too open and then a day or so later I feel embarrassed by it. Which is odd, because at the time it was absolutely necessary that I spill the beans about what I was going through, in order to release the tension that builds up.

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems to me, a relative newcomer, that you've received a lot of support by doing as you have. IMO the real question is, given the apparent importance of such support, how will you achieve that if you change the way you conduct your public life?

As much as an outsider can understand all this I think I do, and without offering direction wish you the best of all possible decisions.

My advice to people contemplating change is always the same. Don't undertake too much too fast. Your life is not a failure so whatever you seek will doubtless result in an improvement. Haste makes waste, as generations before me liked to say. Caution always serves well.

As far as deleting, I hope recent experience has been a good teacher. Download to save your work, then do as you wish, it is your blog after all.

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

You're right; I have received a lot of support. And what have I given in return? Nothing, except for a person to talk to if boredom overwhelms anyone. I don't know what the value of that is, but I certainly haven't repaid everyone for the kindness and support they've showed me. Sometimes I feel like a sponge that sucks up everyone's energy and I deeply wish I had something to give in return.

I just got a little embarrassed that I admitted my apparent dependence on a certain friend. Some people in this life have made me happy at times, and I really dislike losing friends that have done such. But the thing to remember is that for every friend that walks out the door, there's always someone willing to walk in the door. I've realized that by focusing so much on certain people or friends, I've missed the beautiful variety of people that surround me, and there are so many extraordinary people for me to meet and talk to. For instance, I've had the good fortune of meeting you. I don't even know who you are. Funny, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

"Who" I am isn't important in any way. What we exchange in this medium originally designed as an exchange medium is all that matters. I am only here because you wanted me here. It would take only a few words to dismiss me.

It is human nature to sometimes be a bit of a sponge. Things change, and you'll be on the giving end. To borrow an idea from Candide, "This is indeed the best of all worlds!"

Marx and Lenin had a very wonderful ideal that they were never able to bring to fruition. From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs. Communism works well in the small model but does not successfully scale up. I think those who participate, or quietly read, the things written here, have been enriched for their trouble. Each has given what they had, and taken what they needed.

But that's not to say you shouldn't make progress in any direction comfortable to you. I just wouldn't be too concerned about what you think others might think.

If you killed the whole thing it wouldn't bother me. Losing out on a future continuity wouldn't be the happiest possibility for me, but this blog isn't about me anyway, I take whatever I am dealt, usually (though not always) with good grace.

I came. I have learned. I am better for the experience. What could possibly be better than that? I don't think you need to ask for participant blessings for your decisions, though you might feel more comfortable if they/we openly agreed. In the end it is your decision alone. "The emperor rules alone."

BTW, did you notice google's artistic logo today? I started saving them as pieces of art a couple of years ago. I think they're really neat!

Happily_anonymous

Anonymous said...

Separate note but same general topic.

I once had a girl friend who can best be described as an emotional vampire. Well, actually two such girlfriends who were like that. And I was certainly old enough to have known better than to be sucked in.

Without understanding your past other than what you've chosen to expose, I haven't seen you fit the emotional vampire model.

Happily_anonymous

Vincent said...

Sounds good to me. Michelangelo used to work with beautiful marble, but had to chip it away to expose the forms imprisoned within. See for example this or this

jon be me said...

Don't leave us !
:-(

Cookiemouse said...

I agree with anonymous. Slow organic growth is best. Look forward not back and search for new ideas. More haste, less speed.

Sophia said...

I don't want to dismiss you, and I wouldn't want you here unless you wanted to be here, unless you found it pleasant to be here. If you like being here, then I want you here. :)

I do have a tendency to be overly concerned about what others think. I can't remember if I was like this growing up; I only remember that I was bullied badly and it always caused me worry, anxiety and sadness. You would think that would cause me to toughen up a bit, to develop thicker skin, but it has only caused me to fear that people are thinking negative thoughts about me. Maybe this is paranoia, although I've never been diagnosed as having any sort of paranoia. It could just be an insecurity.

I don't have much to give because the only thing I'm good at is being human, and everyone is good at that. If they weren't they wouldn't be human. I have hopes that someday when I'm considered an "elder" that I'll be able to help along some younger soul. I just fear misguiding someone.

I did not notice Google's artsy icon yesterday. I must not have been very aware. It's possible I've become so accustomed to them on holidays that I just overlook them. Or, I've gotten so used to using the Google search bar in Firefox that I don't even go to Google's main page anymore. What was it?

Thank you for your input. You are, as usual, a delight to conversate with. (I don't think conversate is a word but it sounded right at the time.)

Anonymous said...

I found the google logo in an article on a Brazillian web page:

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://jc.uol.com.br/infograficos/14531p.jpg&imgrefurl=http://jc.uol.com.br/2008/01/28/not_159775.php&h=120&w=180&sz=6&hl=en&start=5&tbnid=EmIdHIhgp3ghdM:&tbnh=67&tbnw=101&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgoogle%2Blego%2B50%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DG

Let me know if that breaks, I'll go
get a tinyurl version.

I want to mention that Vincent's reference to artwork was quite interesting. I'd never seen those before. Thank you for sharing them, Vincent.

Ours is a living language. Feel free to invent as you wish. I do so frequently.

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

Happily_anonymous,

I was in a rush this morning and forgot to comment on the emotional vampirism thing. I've heard of this before, actually. I think it was termed "psychic vampire" or "energy vampire" when I heard it, though. Not that I'm correcting you, because I'm sure there are a number of terms for it.

Lego blocks. Was yesterday Lego's birthday? Legos helped pull me out of boredom many times, even in my early twenties, when I'd buy a certain set and build what was supposed to be built. It was almost like math or computers in that I followed an algorithm.

Sophia said...

Vincent,

I don't think my blog will ever become a masterpiece, but it's nice to think that I can at least work towards something like perfection, even if I never get there.

Make perfection a goal, and enjoy the journey towards it. My goal is to at least make perfection a goal. It's unreachable but reaching is fun.

Sophia said...

Jon,

I'm thinking of staying. Call it indecisiveness!

Sophia said...

Cookiemouse,

I'll think of it as an unpruned rose bush. I don't prune mine anyway!

If I can get over my paranoia of being found by family, I'll probably keep things the way they are. That, and I was afraid A. might show-up and find out I was whining over his absence.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Lego was 50 years old yesterday.

Psychic is probably the appropriate term.

What if everyone reading you blog knows who "A" is? What if he is actually silently reading all this?

The first time I heard the following, from a Greek fellow, I was shocked. He said that he only screws around with his friends becuse if he screwed around with his enemies they might kill him, but a friend will not.

So is "A" a friend or not is the question that comes to my mind. If you're so uncertain of his reaction then why ________________ (fill in the blank with your own ideas.)

Interesting stuff.

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

No one reading my blog knows who he is because I've never mentioned him by name on here.

I'm 100% certain he's not silently reading this blog. He's either too busy or is lying about being busy and doesn't care to. (i.e. He lost interest.) I don't think he's read it for months.

A. is not the screwing type. I mean, he wouldn't screw with me. He's a very serious man. Joking is something I didn't normally do in my dealings with him.

I thought he was a friend, but I'm not sure any more. I'm able to pick-up on things very easily and I am almost 100% certain he's just lost interest. So I'm not at all uncertain any longer. He's too involved in his hobby now, I think. I think he's a bit like me in that regard because being involved in one's obsession - as I'm sure he is - everything else gets put on the back burner. Including friends. :( Either that or he's simply met a new friend who is more interesting than me.

There I go whining again.

Well, I don't care anymore. I'm proving to myself that I don't need him by refusing to check the email account that I write to him from.

Sophia said...

P.S. I'm sorry if that sounded... frustrated. I haven't eaten and it's playing with my nerves. That and I've been a nervous wreck today anyway because of being in training all day and feeling like I wasn't getting enough work done. I hate trying to impress my boss.

By the way, how are you today? How selfish of me not to ask. I don't think I'm very thoughtful today, and I have too much to say.

Sophia said...

I just realized how immature I sounded.

Well, when R. (female friend from college) stopped hanging around because of my depression, I was upset too.

Anonymous said...

I think that whatever you have to say should be said someplace to someone. Here is as good place as any. If you want I'll create an email for you to write to.

I think you would freak if I told you I know who and what "A" is so I won't.

As a "job shopper" (the generic name given to contract employees in my day) I was always thrilled to be given training. (I an uncertain as to your actual employment status because that might have been a dream I didn't differentiate from actualities, but anyway.....)

Western Electric/usg once paid me for 6 weeks of that. It found me brushing up on boolean logic and a number of other disciplines I haven't used on the job before or since. I will say that having the boolean brushup was actually better than my university segment on the matter and it has served me well ever since.

I can't help but wonder which it is that's actually bothering you about "A"'s behavior, the apparent abandonment or the lack of input of data valuable to your daily life.

Because there's a certain degree of voluntary transparancy to all of us I ask the question by way of pointing at a core issue that could be better clarified.

My morning started out pretty rough, thank you for caring.

Please note that I a giving you credit for caring rather than politely asking. That's an area in which I don't yet know you well enough to decide on my own and perhaps you'll clarify this little matter for me.

OTOH if I am a psychic vampire you might be feeding that need of mine. But it is more important, IMO, to tell the truth and deal with the consequences. Given the likelihood that I am here for a long stretch, there will be more on this later.
I am not a psychic vampire.

I am taking NSAID's to help though I have some prescribed narcotic pain meds available (for severe arthritis in my neck which I've held at bay this winter by wearing a scarf as close to 24/7 as I can remember to do) which I avoid taking unless absolutely necessary.

I haven't had a pain pill in over a year, and even when I need them to the point of actually taking one I use the minimal amount of the stuff to see me through. There are reasons we have pain in our lives. I believe in experiencing life to the fullest, but but where pain becomes absurd.

As the day went on much of the pain causing areas have started loosening up. I think another day or 2 and I'll be 90+% over it. I was supposed to drive ~100 miles this afternoon to a woodwind concert but figured I wouldn't be in the condition to drive that far and sit through a concert and drive that far again, so I bowed out. I was going to take an older than me gentleman along to keep me company. When you mention classical music in this sort of community they mostly all love it--then you find out they often meant classic rock. (sigh)

Anyway I'm glad your suffering with training rather than personally.

Happily-anonymous

Sophia said...

I had to say this right away: Remember when I mentioned being able to read your friend's thoughts? I was eating at a restaurant tonight, and thinking to myself that I wanted to ask you if you liked classical music. Imagine my surprise when I come back just now to read your message in which you mention classical music.

Hold on. Bad storm. I'll finish this thought in a little while. Must shut down computer.

Sophia said...

Emails are always nice. I was thinking about that earlier. I'm open on my blog, but not completely.

You just did. Tell me, that is. That you know who and what "A" is. But the chances of you stumbling upon my blog and knowing who he is are impossible if not slim to none. So, you must be speaking symbolically.

Whoa... did you say "contract" employee? That's me! I'm on a "contract", so to speak, that is renewed every two years, and my next possible lay-off date is May of 2009. Training makes me struggle to stay awake. I feel guilty but sometimes I can't keep from yawning frequently. Today especially was bad because it was material that I already knew.

I'm just charmed that you said, "...that might have been a dream I didn't differentiate from actualities"!! I have that problem sometimes! I had to laugh happily about that.

Boolean Algebra! I loved that class, didn't you? Didn't you get that satisfactory feeling of "a-ha!" everytime you created a logic table or solved logic problems?

Both things, I think, are bothering me about A. He's one of the most interesting people I've ever met. You'd have to know his personality to know what I'm talking about. When someone like that just decides to abandon the friendship, you end-up missing them, you know? I used to think he was magical. It made me feel special to have him as a friend. Yes, I admit I liked the attention and input he gave me. And he was probably tired of giving it. :) I can't blame him. If I had someone like me following me around like a lost puppy, I'd become weary, too.

Of course I care about how your day went. Why was it so rough? The muscle pains or is it something else? Physical or emotional?

Most people have never heard of psychic vampires. When they see the word "vampire" they automatically assume we're speaking about some creature of fantasy that sucks blood and sleeps in a coffin during the day. Little do they know that a person can literally drain them of their energy just by... oh no... I hope I didn't do that to A. It just dawned on me. Maybe that's what is going on.

Were the NSAIDs just prescribed to you as a result of your fall? Are they similar to muscle relaxers? If so, I bet they make you sleepy. Pain killers are of course nice to have around "in case of emergency". But then they expire. I hope you check the expiration date!!

Was the friend you wanted to take to the concert with you your 94 year old friend? The one who's like a surrogate father?

I apologize if my thoughts tonight were disjointed. I took a Xanax after work to relax with, and then at dinner tonight I forgot about the Xanax and had a glass of wine. And well, you know what that can do. :)

I think this is the longest comment I've ever typed on this blog.

Anonymous said...

"You just did. Tell me, that is. That you know who and what "A" is. But the chances of you stumbling upon my blog and knowing who he is are impossible if not slim to none. So, you must be speaking symbolically."

Stranger things have happened, no?

Would you freak, or not?

"He's one of the most interesting people I've ever met."

Exciting, is that? Do you remember what I wrote about exciting people?
I may be leading you down a path you're not ready to take.

In 2003 I moved 350 miles so I rarely see my 94 year old friend any more. I do get back several times a year but since he mostly doesn't know who he is visiting him is low on the priority list.

I've had to make a whole new set of friends locally. And I've continued to meet people on the internet as well.

I was going to ask you who cooks at home. Who does the household chores. I take it the house is older (1 car garage) but well kempt. The pool is beautiful. You apparently have a comfortable life at a time in life where most people are struggling to accumulate enough wealth to move into the sort of setting you already have.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-steroidal_anti-inflammatory_drug

I use mostly ibuprofin and naproxin sodium. I have a prescription for celebrex for my lower back, but I've managed without them for a few months. When the weather gets warmer and I'm more active outdoors I'll need to go back on them.

In this age we not only prolong, but we also improve the quality of life with pharmaceuticals. Years ago my mobility would have been reduced and I couldn't have been as active as I am.

This is indeed the best of all worlds.

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

Yes, if you knew who A. was I'd freak. So who do you think he is?

Hmmm... I do remember that you said we find the insane exciting because they're not predictable. Is that what you're speaking about? I don't think A. is insane though. But I've been wrong about things before. :)

I'm sorry about your friend. Does he have Alzheimer's?

Why did you move? (Can I be that nosy?)

My husband does the cooking, and most of the household chores. I'm sure that will make you think I'm lazy, and I wouldn't tell you that you're wrong. I'm the type that has to be mentally or intellectually stimulated almost full time, and chores and cooking both bore me, although I do some chores like laundry. Sometimes my husband gets a bit frustrated with me because I don't help out as much as I should. I guess I'm spoiled, because I went from living with my mother - who did everything for me - to living with my husband - who does almost everything for me. I've never been alone. I met my husband when I was 18. I had only known him for eight months when I moved in with him.

The house was built in 1963 or 1964, I can't remember which. When we were house shopping, I think we chose this house because it came with the pool. :) But the house is nice and I finally feel at home. We went from living in a small upstairs apartment to living in a trailer, to living in a small house and now here. It's not a large house but I feel at home here. With all the foreclosures going on in this sinking economy, I am lucky to have a place to call home. My biggest fear, though, is losing the home. We don't have much in the way of savings, which scares me. I've all sorts of financial worries that I could just bore you to tears with. But I guess a lot of women have these worries.

Besides falling off the tractor, why else do you need the NSAIDs? You have arthritis in your back as well as your neck? Does it run in your family? Wait a second, wasn't there a warning about Celebrex? Did you know about that? Sorry, that's five questions in a row. That was one of the things that drove my friend crazy, I bet.

Sophia said...

P.S.

I just did some reading on Celebrex. So it is arthritis you're suffering from. I'm glad you're not taking them every day because the warnings I've just read say they're not good on the heart. I'm sure you already knew about that, though. Please be careful. Is there not another drug that offers the same benefits as Celebrex?

Anonymous said...

Now we're down to it. So here's a magnificient puzzle for you.

If you were me and you knew that telling your correspondant that you had information that would freak her out, would you tell her that information, or would you not.

Throw into this puzzle the fact that the correspondents don't know one another very well, and that the she side of the conversation has said. "always tell me the truth."

Great puzzle, no?

No, I'm not being mean.

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

If I were you and I knew that my correspondent valued truth, I'd tell her the information I had. Since you don't know me very well yet, I will go ahead and tell you that I do value truth, even if it may have negative consequences.

Don't you value truth?

Anonymous said...

As a student of nature I realized long ago that everything in the universe is relative. You've seen a tiny bit of that discussion from me earlier in this stream of communication.

So today my value system also consists of relatives with no absolutes.

One day, almost 20 years before you were born, my university literature teacher was suddenly absent. Her substitute was a very small bald mean looking man who happened to be a dean. He asked us what was, in that day, this shocking question:

"Is there any reason why you shouldn't do something you know is wrong if there is absolutely no chance of getting caught?"

I was brought up in the Catholic Church with 8 years of parochioal schools before I attended a public high school. Most of the students in my class also had a fairly rigid value system. The foundation I had been taught was to obey all the rules, most especially to be good.
As a result the question really hit home and made me think about blind obedience. Indeed I still occasionally think about the dean and his question. He did me a wonderful service no matter what his true intention was. I think he just wanted to find a way to fill the class hour, but he achieved more than that for me.

Then there's "primum non nocere." What about the golden rule including Hillel's contemporary thought process, "If I am for myself alone, what am I?" These can be understood as admonitions against always telling the truth or at the very least shading it, no?

I think the question "Don't you value truth?" demands a simplistic answer that is not available to me.

Till the avenues are better explored there is no solid answer to hang one's hat on firmly.

From science, to nature, to human nature, to philosophy, and to spirituality, I don't have that answer yet. I am now looking to you for pointers. You're an exceptionally bright woman. I think you'll do the "right" thing in the circumstances. :-)

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

You skirt around the point you started and leave me squirming in my seat. I was expecting to know what I was supposed to freak out about. I think you just wanted to see me fidget. :)

You were in university 20 years before I was born, so you are more than 2.5 decades older than me. You are... 68. Or somewhere around there. I'm still trying to solve you. At this rate, I may know your name sometime next year.

How can Hillel's thought and "primum non nocere" be admonitions against telling the truth? Do you think the truth is harmful? If you are a proponent of Hillel's Golden Rule, and, given that you prefer truth be told you, when you treat others as you wish to be treated you would tell the truth. I am not really preaching, though, because God knows I've lied about things before, but mostly when I was doing so to get out of trouble. :)

There is a truth or untruth for every circumstance. It just depends on one's intuition, really, as to if they should or should not tell the truth.

I knew a Jewish man that told me if lying to someone saves them from getting hurt, it's not a bad thing to do.

But I personally like truth. So, if you care to tell me the truth, you may do so. ;)

Anonymous said...

Damn, you dance as well as I do if not better!

I am really interested in knowing what the actual effect would be on you if:

1) "A" was completely out of your life.

2) Someone came into discussions here who actually knows "A".

3) Someone came into discussions here who not only actually knows "A" but knows more about "A" then you do.

And I think in examining these possibilities for yourself, there might be some value to be gained by going through the exercise(s).

I'll reassure you ahead of time that my intentions are honorable, that is, not intended to cause you grief.

I'll give up my general m,ap location to you by creating an account and sending you an email later today. As far as name goes, make one up for me to use. I'll be anyone you want me to be except some of the horrid ghouls in history. :-)

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

I only have a second as I am on break from a training session.

You do not have to give up your map location by creating an email account. Use gmail instead of the email provided by your ISP.

I have more to say, but am in a hurry. I'll write more later.

Sophia said...

I think I'll wait for the email as the responses to the questions you asked me are best said in private.

Anonymous said...

Just had to push me over the edge!

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

I just noticed I sounded a little bossy when I said, "Use gmail..." That's not how I meant to sound, but in reading it now that's how it comes across to me.

I am thinking that's one good reason not to write to someone when I'm in a hurry. :)

Anonymous said...

Most of the free email providers transmit the sender's IP number in the headers. I am glad to notice that gmail does not.

Bossy? You?

I want to keep my head so the answer is, naturally enough, no you're not bossy at all. :-)

Happily_anonymous

Sophia said...

I was never aware that email providers show that information, but I'm glad that you are pleased with gmail. I've been using it for years now and I always recommend it to others. One of my favorite things about it is it checks itself automatically for new emails, which a lot of web-driven email providers don't do. I can leave it in my task bar and see when I've received something.

When I'm really bossy, you'll know it. ;)