Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Gateway Experience Journal April 9, 2007

These past two lessons have been fairly vague. The "instructor", or narrarator, whoever he is, gave us vague instructions that I was not completely sure how to follow. There was too much freedom of choice and room to be creative, and I suppose some like that but I like to be instructed in a very detailed way, leaving me no room to question myself. When instructions are vague, I have mind chatter, such as, "Am I doing this right? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?" This mind chatter slows my progress, and all these thoughts in my head keep me from experiencing what I should be experiencing, i.e. a clear mind. Meditation is all about clearing the thoughts. Expansion of awareness surely cannot be possible with a mind muddied with dancing thought monkeys like mine has been the past few days.

In any case, the "instructor", as I call him, (is it Robert Monroe, does anyone know?), gave us leeway to perform our purpose. We entered focus 10 and were told to "perform" our "purpose". Not entirely sure what my purpose was, I just went around in my imagination telling everyone in the world that I loved them. Isn't that my purpose? To love? Isn't Love really what makes the world go 'round?

All I know, is that when I give love, I feel love. Love might be scary for some people, and I'm sure it can make them feel uncomfortable, because they are not entirely sure how to handle it. I don't want to come on too strong in the real world. I don't walk around the cubicles at work saying to everyone, "Hey, I love you!" No, I don't do that. But, no one is stopping me from doing it in my imagination.

So, I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but, I love you. :) I wouldn't have the courage to say it to a stranger in real life, but this blog is spiritual, and a reflection of my spiritual realm.

Does it bother you too much to know that I love you? Is it sappy? Is it childish? Is it cheesy?

I'll admit that I saw my therapist on Friday. Even though I'm no longer depressed I'm still seeing my therapist because it's best to be preventative in these matters; I don't want it to come back. She mentioned that intellectually I am an intelligent woman, but emotionally I am still a child. I asked her, "Have I regressed?" She said I never got rid of the child in the first place. Apparently, some of the things that happened in my youth have caused me to hold on to the inner child. I don't want anyone to think I'm childish, I want them to see the intelligent woman. Is my love for other people childish? I worry that my emotions are the emotions of a child. It's difficult to come to grips with being told that emotionally you are still a child. You wonder, "Are my ideals not mature?" "Is this world worse than I imagine it to be?" Maybe I am Pollyanna. All I know is that if getting rid of that inner child means giving up the love I feel for the people in this world, and losing the wonder when I experience new and unusual things, then I don't want to grow up.

13 comments:

Mark said...

Interesting that your therapist told you that you are emotionaly like a child. I would want to know what she meant by that. What about her view of you, made her say that.
To love, to live in wonder, to be happy, to trust can all be cosidered child like. Many adults do tend to beat these things out of a child because they do not see them as traits associated with an adult.
The truth is, most adults long to be child like, they seek the child like emotions that I described.
I would not get upset by what you therapist said. This is her viewpoint from where she is in life.
Continue on your spiritual path. You are a wonderful soul, a seeker. The answers you seek are near.

Sophia said...

Thank you, Mark, for all the motivation that you have bestowed upon me today in my moments of gloom and doubt. :)

To be honest, I don't want to give up my inner child. She is very much a part of me and if I give her up, I would lose all that I know to be me. I can accept the beyond-the-normal sensitivities that I have because of her, just so I can hang on to love, wonder, trust and happiness.

Thank you, Mark. You, too, are a wonderful soul. I will continue seeking the answers. :)

Anonymous said...

I should have read this before I answered your koan. But never mind.
Let your matter be. What's the chatter? Anything wrong with it? I LOVE CHATTER! Chatter, chatter, chatter. And more chatter. Monkey me, monkey you!

Sophia said...

The thing that's wrong with chatter is that it feeds my ego. I think the problem started with "I think therefore I am."

Anonymous said...

Ego me, ego you!

Sophia said...

LOL The point is, supposedly, to get rid of the ego.

Anonymous said...

Suicide? Nah, you can't possibly do that. It's too dangerous! LOL!

Sophia said...

It's really called "ego-death". What I am is already there, it's just the ego is a veil.

Anonymous said...

Don't fight it. You'll never win. Just let it be. Then it can't do anything.

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you said the ego is evil.

What is it veiling? You'll never find anything in there. Just silence.

Sophia said...

I'm stuck between looking for something and knowing that there is nothing for me to find. Between the two, I am torn. Something deep inside of me says there is something to find, yet everyone says that there is really no one doing the looking and not only that, but that there is nothing to find!

Anonymous said...

Have fun! I mean find out what you can do with your ideas. Have you any BIG IDEAS?

Sophia said...

Nope, I'm just plain ole boring me. No ideas. I don't know what use I serve if I have no ideas. The only thing I can think of is that maybe someday down the road another lost soul will find my blog and say, "Hey, I can use this information because I need a friend who has been down this road before."