Thursday, December 13, 2007

Enslaved

Lately I've been spinning out-of-control, and I feel as if I'm about to burst at the seams. I feel angry at the world and many of the people in it. More and more lately I'm shutting myself up in a small room and closing the door. Today at work I couldn't stop tears from flowing as I laid my head down on my desk. I can't pretend anymore that my world is free of negativity.

I'm not sure if this is a medication issue. I'm scared and unsure of anything right now. This medication has helped me to become more active in life again, and has taken away most of my depression. I feel more physically awake than I have in years, since 2004. I've slept a lot less, although I do still occasionally sleep all day on the weekends. What I am most pleased about is that I'm able to get-up and go to work without feeling like someone needs to drag me into the office. This medication has worked miracles for my career, and it was very timely as I was about to give-up on working.

The price, though, is that I've become very angry lately, and am easily irritated and frustrated. Not only is this bad for my health, it's not good for my relationships. I've been down and out rude to people. What, you guys thought I was Miss Friendly all the time?

I sit here and I feel like I'm wound-up tight, a rubber band about to break. I've therefore made the decision to start weaning myself off the miracle drug. What this means is that I may face depression again. I've been telling myself and others that all the anxiety was fine as long as I wasn't depressed, but I'm starting to feel like the anxiety, anger and severe frustration is worse than the depression. I'd rather be polite and depressed than mean and content.

I feel like it would be nice to be held by a fatherly figure, and told that everything is going to be alright. That's the child in me. She just wants everything to be alright. It must be an inner-child insecurity issue.

I'm also very selfish and have neglected many of my blog friends and pen pals. I'm just stuck in this little goldfish bowl and all I can do is think about myself. "Oh, poor Sophia." It's a bunch of needless self-pity. I'm a big whiner.

So, there you have it. All that time I've spent trying to climb out of the human drama and I find myself right smack dab in the middle of it again. At this point I don't feel like enlightenment is even possible. It's just a pipe dream.

20 comments:

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christi said...

You have so much strength inside you that you don't even seem to notice. It's such an amazing thing to be able to say ENOUGH!, mean it and do something about it.

Have you ever thought that maybe that is enlightenment? To be able to reach inside of yourself and touch that little bit of insight, intuition and realization and run with it? To know what you need to do even if the prospect is scary and overwhelming?

You have to be able to take care of yourself first, then everything else will fall into place. Maybe not in the way you thought you wanted it to, or even as quickly as you wanted it to, but it will happen. It has to, I refuse to accept anything less from the Universe.

Much friendship and affection,
~ Christi

Siegfried said...

One good way to deal with this is to become aware of the tension, the anger, the boredom, the frustration, which you already are at this point. And not try to suppress or deal with it by trying to run away from it or by pushing it away. You should allow it and becoming more aware of it. This awareness will change how you feel. Don't persist in using willpower. This is called passive awareness. This is the working principle behind true meditation.

Siegfried said...

Be aware. And nothing else.
This is like allowing your automatic feeback control loop to work. Instead of programming yourself to feel in a certain way. Intelligence instead of stupid mind-control?

Siegfried said...

And trust yourself. This is called self-confidence.

Siegfried said...

This is called letting go and letting God by some religious and spiritual people.
Better still, let go of God.
And God will take care of you.

goatman said...

You may need a survival challenge. Similar to being out of power (and flowing water) for four days. Brings one right back to reality.
I was just getting used to reading by a kerosene lamp when power was restored. Now its cleanup and normalcy.
Challenge and change are good for the soul, theoretically.

jim said...

Hello Sophia, hang in there, take the options you feel at present, note the results, makes changes as you see fit, listen to Siegfried and try his suggestions, talk to us often. I am here, email me if you will. Love, Jim.

jim said...

You have my number, call me if you want to. I'll answer the phone.

Rob said...

I only tried medication once and I didn't like the feeling. I didn't feel I was being myself.

My hunch is that, at least in my case, medication masks the underlying problems.

I am convinced that the doctors who assessed me had no idea what they were doing. Each of them said different things.

Thank you for sharing your situation. I think you will find the right way forward. Trust in yourself.

jim said...

Well Sophia, good morning from my little human drama, I am having quite a one this morning, I hope yours is adjusting somewhat.

I am adjusting the concept of 'God' to make it more REAL for my human drama, would that help any for you?

Maybe our expectations are too high? I am asking from looking at myself. Anyway, it is worth a try.

Stay in touch. My love to you Sophia, I care.

Paul said...

This is my first stop here, and hope this is more helpful, possibly, than presumptuous... In any case, I'm speaking here from my own experience, so it reflects on me!

First, I don't think it's possible to skip over our psychological issues by focusing on the spiritual. Most of us have baggage and without directly addressing that, it gets in the way of spiritual development.

Second, and you may not have meant to suggest this at all, but I'll just mention... As far as I can tell, enlightenment isn't a fixed state where one eventually arrives. Growth is definitely possible; we can move beyond things that once slowed us down. But it remains a process, always. Maybe the goal could be described as something like:

Becoming more enlightened more of the time over the course of one's lifespan.

jim said...

I like what Paul said, to me that is even the right definition of God, not a finished ended thing, but the little pieces of understandings that you pick up on a journey thru, and relaxing in that gives you the 'now' of legend.

And like he says, Paul, that is 'enlightenment' and you already are and will continue to be more.

And, of course there will be these negatives here and there, even lots of them for us, but they are not 'signs' that you or I are unenlightened, not 'signs' that we are failing or have failed.

And as an aside, I think spiritual and psychological or very much the same thing, just each is aimed at its particular face or level.

I am always learning something on your blog Sophia. Thanks again, to you and Paul.

Sophia said...

Chris,

Ah! The energy of a smile.

:)

Sophia said...

Christi,

A lot of times I don't post the truth about what I'm feeling because I fear it will run people off, or they'll think I whine too much or am a drama queen. But every now and then I just let it all hang out. Like my fellow blogger Alex would say, "Flyin' free like a Buddhist prayer flag." I take advantage of this blog more and more lately because I don't complain like this in real life. My blog is a virtual punching bag, where I sometimes let out steam and get a good emotional release. It feels good. If I complained this much in real life, I would run everyone off. :)

Where enlightenment is concerned, I am glad to hear that even noticing the drama is part of waking up. I used to have no idea when I was lost in drama. Now I can step outside of it and say, "Hey, Sophia, you're involved in drama again." I'm just watching myself more.

The goal, of course, is to be free of the drama, but I've got years left to get there, given I live a long life. I just don't want to procrastinate too much. "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." The only problem I have, is I keep saying, "Tomorrow I will quit putting things off."

Sophia said...

Siegfried,

I am more aware of it lately. I haven't tried forcing it away, although I thought I would try at one point, but now I don't need to because the problems are winding down again. Life is so funny. It's a big sine wave, moving infinitely along the x-axis. There is no end in sight to the ups and downs. Who on earth has experienced pure stability? I'd like to meet them!

Sophia said...

Goatman,

Secretly I was wishing for enough snow to knock out the electricity because I was wanting to experience living on the edge. Plus, I thought it would be Abraham Lincoln-ish to live by candlelight. I don't think I'd lik the cold, though, but I'm sure I'd have bundled up in plenty of layers!

Sophia said...

Jim,

It seems as if the only option available to me is to just take things as they come. That's how I normally do it. If I weren't so lazy, I'd work on consciously changing the course of events. I guess they call this magic.

I will email you soon, hopefully in the next day or so. I'm using my husband's computer at the moment and his keyboard is annoying because sometimes certain keys don't work, especially the e. I have to press hard on the keys.

I'd certainly be interested in hearing how you're managing to change the concept of God. I can understand this would be possible since we all create God in our image anyway. Well, I mean we create an idea of what or who God is. Surely this is flexible.

Sophia said...

Rob,

I have a friend who had a similar experience. She didn't like the way medications made her feel. According to her, she became a "zombie".

I know I'm not being myself. Oh yes, definitely. Drugs have changed my personality so much it's almost funny, as though I had some hidden second personality buried deep inside. But what they have done, is given me happiness and contentedness at times.

For three years I relied on medication alone but this year I started to get psychological help in addition to the psychiatric. I never really thought talking to someone about my problems would help, and I still feel like it's a waste of time, but I go to please my psychiatrist. I think I know what the underlying problems are, but they are deeply embedded in not only nurture but nature as well. As a spiritual person, it's somewhat out-of-character for me to put more faith in chemistry and science than in talk therapy, but that's what I do.

Thanks to you for sharing your perspective on this as well as for sharing some of your history. You and I have some things in common.

Sophia said...

Paul,

Nope, you've been here before! Perhaps it doesn't seem that way because the flavor of this blog changes according to my mood. Maybe I seem like a difference person every day.

Yes, please say anything that is on your mind, always.

I think psychological and spiritual are the same things. I imagine that psychology is the make-up of the emotional state of the spirit.

I like your idea of enlightenment. I think it is more real than reaching some far-fetched goal of perfection. Perfection doesn't exist, only our ideas of it do. If only I can keep reminding myself of this!