Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Doubts, Fears

If you have read any of this blog at all, you may have thought to yourself that you are witnessing someone going insane. Sure, I've thought that myself. I'm still having doubts. I keep wondering, am I becoming spiritually enlightened or am I simply going insane? I feel so many changes occuring within me right now. My husband says he thinks I need to be put on some medications. I tell him I think I am part of the process of the evolution of consciousness, he says it's time for me to talk to my doctor. So, in seven days, that's where I'll be. It's true I've suffered from depression. I had for two years, until about a few months ago, then it went away. And now this, but it is so new to me, I've never experienced it before. I Google a little bit, using some search words that describe what I'm feeling, and I come across this:

http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/2006/01/personal-account-el-collie.html

Is it possible that what I'm going through is called Kundalini?

If anyone else out there understands this, or is going through this. Say something. Am I all alone in being alone? I've been going it alone for a while now, maybe a few words from someone who understands would be a good thing to have right now.

14 comments:

Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

I'm not going through that kind of thing and I don't know much about it, although I've read my share of spiritual and self-help books and have meditated and so on. But I can tell that you've found a companion, possibly a mentor. Is what she went through really what you're going through? Or instead, something you're talking yourself into? Who knows, until you've come through it? Which might require some courage.

Puzzled Woeman said...

Richard, thanks for being the first "voice" to respond. I was quite sure no one would. I wonder, would I, in another time, respond to someone who I thought was going mad, or would I turn away. Maybe when I was younger I would have just turned away, staying in my own comfort zone. But now that I have a little more life experience under my belt, I think I would respond.

My worry, is that anyone coming across this blog, is going to think I'm going insane. Dreams, synchronicities... they're going to think I don't deal with reality. But what I'm thinking, is that I'm finally beginning to see the real reality.

I wish it were true, that this woman could be someone I could turn to in order to seek guidance, but sadly, she died in April of 2002. However, I thank you for the idea, because it led me to this page: http://www.elcollie.com/st/support.html

I don't know that what I'm going through is exactly what she went through, but it sounds so similar. At the same time, I do believe we create our own realities with our thoughts, so I do questions myself. Am I creating a false reality based on a senseless imagination? How can we verify that what we're experiencing is the real deal, and not just some mental breakdown?

I can assure you, though, that I will not shave my head.

Spiritual Emergency said...

A book you may enjoy... Are You Getting Enlightened or Losing Your Mind?

You may also enjoy this site: Spiritual Emergence Network

Beneath my blog profile are a number of other links that lead to "Spiritual Emergence" sites on the net. Depending on where you live in the world (no, you don't need to tell me) you may be able to find a local support group.

You may also find the following excerpt to be reassuring: Spiritual Emergence or Psychiatric Disorder?

In addition, there are a number of online kundalini support groups. Entering "kundalini+forum" or "kundalini+discussion" would likely produce a list of potential support options for you.

Regards,

s_e

Puzzled Woeman said...

Spiritual Emergency, thank you for showing up. It seems you have the magical ability of arriving at just the right time. I've found your blogs before in the past, but never really read them, because at the time, I wasn't going through anything that necessitated my reading them. Then yesterday, when I do need them, I find them again on Google by accident. I think it was meant to be that I read your blogs, and so I read a number of posts on both your blogs yesterday. Thank you for making your blog a very useful resource for the rest of us. It's helpful to have a place to go to when we're experiencing what seems like a frightening change.

Thank you also for the links you've given me in your comment. I will Google the search terms you've given me and see where it leads me.

Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

I was referring to Spiritual Emergency, and it seems like she's very much alive.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I've read that fear of going insane is not a symptom of insanity, it's a symptom of anxiety.

Puzzled Woeman said...

Hi Richard, I thought you were talking about the woman that Spiritual Emergency quoted in her blog post. (Or is it a him... I'm not really for sure.) Sorry about that. Confusion.... probably also a symptom of anxiety. Which, by the way, I have been feeling a lot of lately. So, you are probably right about my fear of going insane coming from my anxiety.

What was reassuring for me was that my husband told me yesterday that when he was a little younger than I am, he went through a phase where he thought he was going nuts.

Another comforting thing, is when I see people talking to themselves in public. I could be going nuts, but at least I'm not to the point of talking to myself, yet. When I look at it from this perspective - that there will always be people worse off than me - I feel better.

Spiritual Emergency said...

Hello puzzled woeman and Richard:

I'm always pleased to know my blogs have been helpful to others -- thank you for letting me know. Feel free to come back as many times as you find it useful and to share the url with others you think may benefit from it.

p.w. -- In the link you provide to El Collie's site, there is a comment at the top of that page by Bob Boyd. He runs a support forum for individuals undergoing kundalini experiences and provides a link in that comment. That might be a very good place for you to start. Naturally, El Collie's site will likely have heaps of resources for you as well.

I'm not very familiar with your background or your experiences but it sounds as if at this point, you're not encountering anything that's too terribly unsettling. I think your method of journalling these events and your dreams would probably be a useful tool for you. It could well be that you're going through a transitional process that will find its own ground in its own time.

In addition, it will likely be helpful for you to educate yourself about the process of spiritual emergence/emergency and connect with others who are going through similar experiences. You would likely enjoy the Grof's book The Stormy Search for the Self. I picked up my copy from amazon for about ten bucks and it was more than worth the minimal price for the valuable and reassuring information it contained.

Should your experience begin to "intensify" at some point you may find the following link helpful: Guidelines for Making it Through a Spiritual Emergency Should you determine at that point that you wish to work with a therapist, I would suggest you seek out someone with a background in depth psychology or transpersonal psychology. Again, those links below my blog might contain some leads for you. There are also some links to therapists in my Related Links area. Others you may connect with can likely provide some resources for you as well.

Chances are however, that you're quite capable of moving through this process without any assistance beyond some minimal forms of support: education and companionship can probably address most of those needs.

Spiritual Emergency said...

Oh.

I came across this in my most recent batch of wanderings" Kundalini: Psychosis or Transcendence? It's written by Dr. Lee Sannella, one of the few "Western" physicians to study the process. I'm quite pleased that I found it.

One of your "synchronicities" at play, perhaps?

Puzzled Woeman said...

Good to see you again, Spiritual Emergency. I haven't been to any of the suppport forums yet but I know that on Monday I'll start heading that way. I thought it had calmed down some, but this morning the energies started overwhelming me again. I'm very curious to know how long this process takes. I'd also hate to think that my diagnosis of "spiritual awakening" is wrong, and that I might really be going crazy. When the feelings get real strong, I've started to take some Xanax which calms them down a little, but not much.

Just knowing you're out there in the world to provide me with this information is so comforting. Thank you for your comments here.

He or she said...

The only need I think you may have to see a doctor is to ease the concern of those for whom you care to do so. Don't go for yourself unless you think you need to.

From what I see, you don't need to see a doctor, you need to keep looking.

If you wish to see a doctor for the sake of others, do so. Be light, positive, and unrevealing while doing so, and, afterwards, about having done so, and keep looking.

He or she said...

One other thing. Don't accept any medication. There'll be other opportunities to do so if you think you need to.

Puzzled Woeman said...

He or She, now I know what some people mean when they say, "Beware of the men in white coats!"

(I was just wondering whether Spiritual Emergency was a he or a she, and now you. Do you know what they say about angels? I believe they are genderless.)

I have been seeing a doctor since 2002, so this is nothing new for me. Originally it was for OCD, and then depression and now I don't know why I'm going, I guess just to continue with the process, or more for prevention. I don't want to be depressed again. I am terrified of it.

The process I'm going through is a long story, and involves hospitalization (twice) for depression, group therapy and psychiatrists and social workers. I don't know how much detail to give you because I really don't want to bore you.

My appointment on Wednesday is the usual monthly appointment, in which my husband goes with me and I know he'll tell the shrink about my obsession with synchronicity and 11:11, and I have no idea how she'll react. The social worker I see on Friday (she's an LCSW) might be more understanding. I really want my shrink to understand, just like I want everyone I meet to understand. I want them to say, "Oh yes, I know exactly what it is you're going through. It's kundalini!" But, I seriously doubt that will happen.

As far as not being on medication, it's too late, I already am. The hospital once tried some new medicines on me and made me very ill, I don't want to do that, either. I'm only on meds for depression, though. I'm not even taking medications for OCD any longer. There's no telling what she'll put me on when she finds out about my "change"! I guess I could ask my husband not to mention my "change" in the appointment.

There are other things I'm afraid of.... When I start feeling this "change", I wonder if I'm becoming schizophrenic or something. There's another long story here that involves schizophrenia and I'll spare you the details, let's just say it's family-related.

Thanks for the feedback. I get the impression that you and Spiritual Emergency knows what it is I'm talking about.

Puzzled Woeman said...

Geez, I just saw how long my last comment was. I think it's the longest blog comment I've ever made. Maybe I should've just saved it for a blog post. Sorry if I bored you.

He or She said...

send e-mail to me via

tossit2me at gmail dot com