Monday, June 30, 2008
But it was just her imagination.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Then there was the elderly man who lived alone. She only saw him when he was cutting his grass, wearing some gloves and a white hat that he wore to keep the sun off his head. He appeared to be in his 80s. His yard and all his belongings were spotless, perfectly organized and free of clutter. Every now and then she felt the urge to walk up to him in order to start a conversation, but what stopped her was the feeling that this man might be enjoying his solitary lifestyle. She had imagined he was lonely and wanting a neighborly friend, but she concluded that it was her own loneliness that gave her the urge to befriend him.
Syzygy and epicene.
With syzygy, I was reading on the internet about the "syzygy" between anima and animus. Later today, a rather brilliant man sent me an email speaking about the "syzygy" between spiritual and physical union.
With epicene, a poster to a newsgroup I hang out in used the word in his post. Tonight, I was reading a friend's blog and he used the word in one of his apothegms. (Karl is a brilliant man, too!) http://traskvale.blogspot.com/2006/10/trade-off-between-anonymity-and-glory.html
You don't see these words every day.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
~The Dilettante, 1903, Edith Wharton
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Later in the friendship, he was usually quiet, and the young woman mistook it for a disinterest in her, and it pained her that he failed to notice her at times, especially when she did everything to get his attention again. Sometimes she would resort to behaving like a child and would throw temper tantrums when she didn't have her way.
She adored this man for many, many years, until the day of his death. He had a will, but because he didn't have much, there was nothing to leave to anyone. But he did leave behind something, and it was the most valueable inheritance of all. The will specified that upon his death, a sealed envelope was to be given to the young woman.
She was mourning his death when she received a letter in the mail. It did not have a return address so before opening it she did not know who it was from. The letter inside read, "I couldn't show you how much I cared for you, but you should know, I loved you."
The woman laid the letter aside while her eyes spilled tears of joy. For, while he didn't show his love during his life, he left her a most meaningful gift. Now in her memories she would know, that the silent man loved her after all, and she could live the rest of her life knowing the happy truth.
Later, he volunteered to guide us to another store that my mother or sister were looking for. My mother and sister got really far ahead of us and the man grabbed me in a quiet place and pushed me down to the floor. He forced his hand down my shirt and began to fondle my breast.
I felt violated in this dream.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
One day, however, the man began to lose interest in the heart. He started to leave it inside the house, on a dark counter top in the kitchen, forgetting to bring it with him outside into the garden. The heart sank, and felt a loneliness more profound than it had known before it had been given to the man. It missed the sound of his voice, and pined to feel the pierce of his blue eyes once more.
Every night the man would walk through the kitchen, and he'd pass by the heart without even glancing at it. He failed completely, now, to notice the heart. This went on for months, until finally the heart lay still inside the jar, completely broken.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
by Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton
I do not love thee!—no! I do not love thee!
And yet when thou art absent I am sad;
And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,
Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad.
I do not love thee!—yet, I know not why,
Whate’er thou dost seems still well done, to me:
And often in my solitude I sigh
That those I do love are not more like thee!
I do not love thee!—yet, when thou art gone,
I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)
Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone
Thy voice of music leaves upon my ear.
I do not love thee!—yet thy speaking eyes,
With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,
Between me and the midnight heaven arise,
Oftener than any eyes I ever knew.
I know I do not love thee! yet, alas!
Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;
And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,
Because they see me gazing where thou art.
(I've had this recurring dream occasionally for years since graduating in 2001.)
It was very comforting for me to be held by her. I felt secure, loved, as if a child being held by a parent, consoled.
I wonder if this dream was inspired by my coming across the story of Catullus's obsession and unrequited love for Lesbia.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
The woman was supposed to go on a trip with the agency, but every time she went into the office she discovered that she somehow wasn't on the list to go, as if the agency kept secretly removing her from the list because they didn't want the overweight model to go with them. When the model asked if she was on the list this time, the lady working at the desk looked as if she felt sorry for the model. She said, "You've been here before, haven't you? Listen, I'm going to make sure you're on the list this time."
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Basically, depression makes me feel bored with people and things that once brought me much joy and dominated my life. Fractals, for instance, dominate my life when I'm feeling well, but tonight I was completely disinterested. After sleeping all day I came to my computer with the hopes of finding something or someone online that could make me feel interest, but I've had no such luck. I've just surfed blindly through pages that didn't even touch me.
I haven't been using the energy spray because sometimes when I use it I start to feel weak and lightheaded. My husband is telling me to wait for the PMS to be over before I call my doctor, but if this depression doesn't go away in a few days I'm calling the doctor and telling her I'm going back to the previous drug regimen.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I am now making a small amount of money off my fractals. I'm not talking about a salary here, though. Until my portfolio grows with more images, I'll only make a little bit. Maybe I can buy myself a CD every month. No, not the Certificate of Deposit CD. I mean a music CD. :) A fellow fractal artist is currently making $150 a month and she's been doing it for about two years. It starts off slow and easy, so it might take me a while to even see my first $50. To begin with, you have to submit ten images of "stock photography" to the website. They have someone review them and they can either get accepted or rejected. I've been told that usually everyone has some of their images rejected. You have to get the first ten in to be a seller. I was surprised that all ten of my images were accepted from the very beginning! OK, well, maybe I wasn't surprised. I have to admit that I feel a sense of pride about my art. I can allow myself this, though, because I don't feel pride about anything else.
On another note.... My dad called and made plans with my husband to go out tomorrow night "for a beer". I'm a little worried, because neither my dad nor my husband drink. Secondly, the last time they went out "for a beer", was the day my husband called my dad eleven years ago to confess he was dating his daughter. He did this without telling me. I was wanting to hide it from my dad, in fear that he would be upset that I was with a man 32 years older than me. But that's beside the point. The point is, my dad is planning this rare event with my husband, PLUS my dad has been having health problems that I am very concerned about. Sometimes my dad tells my husband things and then tells him not to tell me because he's worried that I'll get worried or upset, even things that are related to his health. So I'm hoping and wishing that he doesn't have something very wrong with him to confide with in my husband. It would kill me if something serious was wrong with my dad. I was in tears the other day just imagining all sorts of things about what it would be like without him or my husband. I just don't want to see my dad in discomfort. I can hardly bear seeing him walk these days. In the past few years he's developed a horrible limp because he's having problems with his foot, despite several surgeries. He refuses to use a cane. Sometimes it looks like he's going to trip, and when I'm with him I catch myself grabbing his arm to steady him. He's only 58 years old.
No more sad stuff.
My beautiful stranger, where did you go?
I am going through another creative phase. This time the flow of creative energy is extremely strong and I have been very prolific at creating my art. I take advantage of the flow when it arrives, because it doesn't stay forever. Before last month, it had been more than a year since I had created any images.
My husband probably wishes the flow would stop for a while, because I've been neglecting not only him but just about everything else.
On another note, my 30th birthday was a blast. I spent the day with my husband, father and stepmother. They took me to see "The Incredible Hulk" in the theatre. I don't normally buy movies but this is one that I'm putting on my wish list. When I was a kid, my father and I used to watch the Hulk t.v. show. The Hulk movie that came out a few years ago wasn't that good, but this remake is excellent! My dad - my hero - managed to get me a Hulk poster from the theater. I plan on getting it framed and placing it on my wall next to my David Bowie poster.
Then we went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants. I had a Maui Margarita and got carded for it. I always get carded! My dad gets a real big kick out of it when that happens.
I received some rather magical gifts. They gave me the complete series of BBC's "Planet Earth" on Blu-Ray DVDs. The second gift made me cry, but only because of sentimental reasons. When I was a small child, my dad wore a necklace that had a photo of me as a baby on the pendant. He's kept that necklace all 30 years, and on Friday, he gave it to me. When I saw it I couldn't stop the tears. Yep, that's me, the big baby crying in the middle of the restaurant.
That pretty much wraps it up for tonight. Like I said, I've mostly been posting to my other blog. If anyone is curious or wants to see my online gallery-blog, just send me an email so I can privately send you the link.
P.S. About ten minutes ago I took an Ambien sleeping pill. When I came back to my computer, the fractal above began to move on my screen. It became very life-like. My psychiatrist tells me this is not a hallucination. Instead, she says it is called an illusion. This occasionally happens to me after I take my Ambien. Does anyone else experience this with their sleeping pills?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I received the most romantic email ever yesterday. I was taken quite by surprise, to know that I might have a secret admirer somewhere out there. Actually, I was quite flattered. When I read the words, my soul reverberated, my heart quivered. I was reminded of the passionate feeling of newfound love in which my emotions and body reacted simultaneously. Could this be one of my soul kin, who has finally found me after searching for me for lifetimes and in numerous universes? Would we reunite and complete the cycle of birth and rebirth, the end of time in which cosmic consciousness recognizes itself and all souls are freed in a state of everlasting happiness and bliss?
Too bad it was spam.
It appears that all three people who have taken my "friend test" know me quite well. That's actually very flattering, to know that people have taken the time to get to know me so well. Thanks.
I'll either be here or at my art blog, though chances are I'll be at my art blog. I don't know how long this current obsession will last.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Click on the quiz in the sidebar or go to this link:
Dammit, I want attention. I seem to feel this loneliness and need for attention most when I'm manic.
I was stroking my ego tonight by searching for links to my online art gallery. (Yes, it's an alternative way for me to get attention.) One webpage had several comments, one of which was, "These visuals almost replicate the effects of cubensis psylocibin or lysergic acid!"
Is that a compliment?
I always thought dreams were short, but tonight I've had a second opinion. I watched my dog running in her sleep for almost two minutes. I was worried at first that she might be having a seizure or something, but when I called her name she stopped.
One of the pleasures of owning dogs is stepping in drool bare-footed.
I'm terribly bored tonight.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"I’m thinking about the fireworks that go off when you smile."
"Once in awhile
Two people meet
Seemingly for no reason
They just pass on the street
Suddenly thunder, showers everywhere
Who can explain the thunder and rain
But there's something in the air"