Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Empty
I think I am partially to blame for my friend's suicide yesterday.
For weeks I tried offering him a little bit of comfort.
But I didn't respond to all his needs.
He sent me emails that I didn't respond to.
He reached out to me but I was too much in my own head.
The phone call I got yesterday sent me to my knees.
I know all the nice people are going to try to tell me I'm not to blame, and I appreciate that, but let's be real. I could have done more.
My words of wisdom weren't enough. I could have done more. I could have been more attentive.
I think I am done with words of wisdom.
For weeks I tried offering him a little bit of comfort.
But I didn't respond to all his needs.
He sent me emails that I didn't respond to.
He reached out to me but I was too much in my own head.
The phone call I got yesterday sent me to my knees.
I know all the nice people are going to try to tell me I'm not to blame, and I appreciate that, but let's be real. I could have done more.
My words of wisdom weren't enough. I could have done more. I could have been more attentive.
I think I am done with words of wisdom.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tortured by the Inquisition
I had a terrible dream last night. As usual I do not remember any details, but I was being tortured by some leaders and members of a church because I was a Rosicrucian.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Astral Projection or Dream?
Last night I either experienced astral projection for the first time or I simply dreamed that I was projecting. I am not sure I know how to tell the difference.
I recall laying in the bed and seeing and feeling my legs coming up out of my body, but my torso was still stuck in my body and I couldn't project all the way. I felt lots of tingling throughout my body. I remember straining and trying to push the rest of myself out of my body.
I started to think to myself about some things. I thought - and verbally repeated - how the sum total of our past and future selves is the Now. In my mind I saw the entirety of these two selves as one simultaneous chain of being in the forth dimension. When I thought and repeated this, my body tingled greatly and then I came up out of my body and rose to the ceiling. I was so thrilled and I wanted my husband to see me, so I shouted out his name and said, "Look at me! Look at me!" Apparently I woke him up in real life and he asked me, "What are you doing?" And I responded, "Astral projecting!"
The next thing I remember was that my husband was waking me up in real life asking me to be quiet. I was shouting in my sleep, he said. He laughed and said I had told him I was "astral projecting".
So, was I dreaming? Or did I truly experience astral projection? It certainly seemed a lot more vivid than a dream. I usually have difficulty recalling dreams, but this seemed so vivid and real that it has been on my mind since waking up.
I recall laying in the bed and seeing and feeling my legs coming up out of my body, but my torso was still stuck in my body and I couldn't project all the way. I felt lots of tingling throughout my body. I remember straining and trying to push the rest of myself out of my body.
I started to think to myself about some things. I thought - and verbally repeated - how the sum total of our past and future selves is the Now. In my mind I saw the entirety of these two selves as one simultaneous chain of being in the forth dimension. When I thought and repeated this, my body tingled greatly and then I came up out of my body and rose to the ceiling. I was so thrilled and I wanted my husband to see me, so I shouted out his name and said, "Look at me! Look at me!" Apparently I woke him up in real life and he asked me, "What are you doing?" And I responded, "Astral projecting!"
The next thing I remember was that my husband was waking me up in real life asking me to be quiet. I was shouting in my sleep, he said. He laughed and said I had told him I was "astral projecting".
So, was I dreaming? Or did I truly experience astral projection? It certainly seemed a lot more vivid than a dream. I usually have difficulty recalling dreams, but this seemed so vivid and real that it has been on my mind since waking up.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Drinking from a Deep Well
These are notes that I wrote in my notebook today regarding a short visualization I did that was recommended by the book I'm reading. The visualization is called "The Well of Memory".
I could hear the squeaking of the unoiled metal as I turned the crank that lowers the bucket into the well. My body felt the warmth of the sun. My physical body felt this heat as well.
Bringing the bucket back up required some work as the rope carried a heavy load. I could hear a little bit of water fall out of the top of the full bucket as it landed down below with the rest of the water.
When the bucket arrived I could see the shiny silver goblet in the water. I grabbed it and my hand could feel the coolness of the metal. I gulped down some of the water with its rich mineral and earthy flavor.
The idea came to me that it was fitting to have a silver goblet, as the element of water and silver are both representative of the feminine; They correspond to each other.
I was drinking from the deep waters of the unconscious.
I could hear the squeaking of the unoiled metal as I turned the crank that lowers the bucket into the well. My body felt the warmth of the sun. My physical body felt this heat as well.
Bringing the bucket back up required some work as the rope carried a heavy load. I could hear a little bit of water fall out of the top of the full bucket as it landed down below with the rest of the water.
When the bucket arrived I could see the shiny silver goblet in the water. I grabbed it and my hand could feel the coolness of the metal. I gulped down some of the water with its rich mineral and earthy flavor.
The idea came to me that it was fitting to have a silver goblet, as the element of water and silver are both representative of the feminine; They correspond to each other.
I was drinking from the deep waters of the unconscious.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
To Water a Bonsai Tree
Oh how I wish I could remember last night's dream. Something tells me it was probably one of the best dreams I've ever had. Tonight I still feel some emotional bond with this dream. It's strange that I can't remember many of the details but have this emotional connection to it.
Here are some notes I wanted to write down regarding what few memories I do have.
I am a student of a spiritual teacher. He lives alone in the mountains. I think he also teaches some kind of martial art. He rewards me for my progress by giving me the daily chore of watering a giant bonsai tree. It is a great responsibility. In my dream, this "giant bonsai tree" was much bigger than a bonsai tree, but much smaller than a normal tree. It was about the size of a shrub. It was potted. There were scarab beetles in the black soil.
If I remember correctly, I was supposed to water it every day, yet I was distracted by socializing with friends so that I neglected to water it for two days. When I remembered, I was worried that I had killed it.
What, oh what, is the meaning of this dream? I do not socialize much, although I have a habit of using Facebook too much. Perhaps it is distracting me from my spiritual journey. Indeed, it is. I spend too much time keeping up with the mundane lives of people from my past, people who have no interest in spirituality, people who can often be quite negative, people who are very attached to the material realm or objects of possession or money, sex, etc. Facebook is not doing much to place me further along the path, although that is where some of the Rosicrucian groups are. I think my problem is that I have 300+ friends, a large majority of whom I went to school with.
Sometimes I feel sad that there is no one out there that understands me or knows me while at the same time has the same interests as me. No such person exists - only myself. I am far too eccentric for most of the people on this planet. I think the teacher in the dream is the only one who knows me down to the bone. Wouldn't it be nice to trust someone to the extent that I trusted the teacher? More and more as time goes on, I push people further and further away. I hide more and more from the outside world. I desire to be mostly alone. The teacher - I let him down by failing to water the bonsai.
Here are some notes I wanted to write down regarding what few memories I do have.
I am a student of a spiritual teacher. He lives alone in the mountains. I think he also teaches some kind of martial art. He rewards me for my progress by giving me the daily chore of watering a giant bonsai tree. It is a great responsibility. In my dream, this "giant bonsai tree" was much bigger than a bonsai tree, but much smaller than a normal tree. It was about the size of a shrub. It was potted. There were scarab beetles in the black soil.
If I remember correctly, I was supposed to water it every day, yet I was distracted by socializing with friends so that I neglected to water it for two days. When I remembered, I was worried that I had killed it.
What, oh what, is the meaning of this dream? I do not socialize much, although I have a habit of using Facebook too much. Perhaps it is distracting me from my spiritual journey. Indeed, it is. I spend too much time keeping up with the mundane lives of people from my past, people who have no interest in spirituality, people who can often be quite negative, people who are very attached to the material realm or objects of possession or money, sex, etc. Facebook is not doing much to place me further along the path, although that is where some of the Rosicrucian groups are. I think my problem is that I have 300+ friends, a large majority of whom I went to school with.
Sometimes I feel sad that there is no one out there that understands me or knows me while at the same time has the same interests as me. No such person exists - only myself. I am far too eccentric for most of the people on this planet. I think the teacher in the dream is the only one who knows me down to the bone. Wouldn't it be nice to trust someone to the extent that I trusted the teacher? More and more as time goes on, I push people further and further away. I hide more and more from the outside world. I desire to be mostly alone. The teacher - I let him down by failing to water the bonsai.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Talking to my Self
Last night I had a disturbing dream. While I don't remember most of it, I can specifically recall a scene that involved me flying as a passenger in a large airplane. I was looking out the window. There were other planes flying around and behind us, but they were being shot at by missiles of some kind and were blowing up in the air and falling apart to crash down below.
I became lucid in this dream to the extent that I was able to say to myself, "What will happen to me if I dream that the airplane I'm riding in is destroyed?" I continued to watch out the window hoping and wishing that the airplane would be safe. As far as I know, our plane was never shot down.
I don't know the meaning of this dream, but I do know that a night or two before I dreamed of being in another plane, taking off from the ground.
What I am going to do now for the first time on this blog is a process called "Active Imagination". It's an ages old method of divining information, although it has more recently been refined by Carl Jung. I am going to ask questions related to this dream and then will "listen" within for the answers from my "Higher Self".
Q. Why am I dreaming of air planes?
A. "You are taking off."
Q. What am I taking off from?
A. "The physical plane."
Q. Why were airplanes getting shot down around me?
A. "Those planes are behaviors that you can't take with you."
Those are all the questions I will ask for now. I thanked the entity that responded.
On another note, earlier tonight I did a visualization that entailed going into the temple of Malkuth. I was directed to see two pillars. I was at the entrance to the temple and noticed how the pillars reminded me of the entrance to wisdom. What struck me as interesting right away is that the floor I was walking on was a black and white checkered floor. I knew that this symbolized the marriage of spirit to matter.
Before going into the visualization the book asked me some questions, such as how discernment and inertia function in my life. I know that I have the choice to feel the way I do, to react the way I do. As far as inertia is concerned, I'm a lazy person and I also procrastinate a lot, although I am more regularly reading my spiritual material as well as doing the exercises and meditations. I am also not as lazy about keeping notebooks.
For anyone interested in reading more information about Active Imagination, here are some links to articles which might be helpful:
http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_Modification/active.htm
http://ozpk.tripod.com/jung
I became lucid in this dream to the extent that I was able to say to myself, "What will happen to me if I dream that the airplane I'm riding in is destroyed?" I continued to watch out the window hoping and wishing that the airplane would be safe. As far as I know, our plane was never shot down.
I don't know the meaning of this dream, but I do know that a night or two before I dreamed of being in another plane, taking off from the ground.
What I am going to do now for the first time on this blog is a process called "Active Imagination". It's an ages old method of divining information, although it has more recently been refined by Carl Jung. I am going to ask questions related to this dream and then will "listen" within for the answers from my "Higher Self".
Q. Why am I dreaming of air planes?
A. "You are taking off."
Q. What am I taking off from?
A. "The physical plane."
Q. Why were airplanes getting shot down around me?
A. "Those planes are behaviors that you can't take with you."
Those are all the questions I will ask for now. I thanked the entity that responded.
On another note, earlier tonight I did a visualization that entailed going into the temple of Malkuth. I was directed to see two pillars. I was at the entrance to the temple and noticed how the pillars reminded me of the entrance to wisdom. What struck me as interesting right away is that the floor I was walking on was a black and white checkered floor. I knew that this symbolized the marriage of spirit to matter.
Before going into the visualization the book asked me some questions, such as how discernment and inertia function in my life. I know that I have the choice to feel the way I do, to react the way I do. As far as inertia is concerned, I'm a lazy person and I also procrastinate a lot, although I am more regularly reading my spiritual material as well as doing the exercises and meditations. I am also not as lazy about keeping notebooks.
For anyone interested in reading more information about Active Imagination, here are some links to articles which might be helpful:
http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_Modification/active.htm
http://ozpk.tripod.com/jung
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Elements of Being
I am exploring the balance (or lack thereof) of four modes of being and elements within me. The four elements are:
- Earth = Sensation
- Air = Intellect
- Fire = Intuition
- Water = Emotion
The book asked that I draw both an elemental mandala and cross of elements representing these four modes. The strongest and weakest modes are to be on opposite sides of each other.
As much as I hate to admit it, I am often ruled by emotion, so that is strongest. (I am, after all, a "Highly Sensitive Person", or HSP.) In second place is intellect, because I am often in my head thinking about things, reading things, solving things, analyzing things, etc. Then comes sensation, and finally intuition. Even though I am an INFP and supposedly rely on my intuition to guide me, I score only 38% on intuition.
Here are the drawings I made. In the mandala, I have shaded the quarters so that the strongest is darkest and the weakest is lightest. In the cross, the longer arm is strongest and the shorter arm is weakest.
- Earth = Sensation
- Air = Intellect
- Fire = Intuition
- Water = Emotion
The book asked that I draw both an elemental mandala and cross of elements representing these four modes. The strongest and weakest modes are to be on opposite sides of each other.
As much as I hate to admit it, I am often ruled by emotion, so that is strongest. (I am, after all, a "Highly Sensitive Person", or HSP.) In second place is intellect, because I am often in my head thinking about things, reading things, solving things, analyzing things, etc. Then comes sensation, and finally intuition. Even though I am an INFP and supposedly rely on my intuition to guide me, I score only 38% on intuition.
Here are the drawings I made. In the mandala, I have shaded the quarters so that the strongest is darkest and the weakest is lightest. In the cross, the longer arm is strongest and the shorter arm is weakest.
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