Saturday, May 22, 2010

Empty

I think I am partially to blame for my friend's suicide yesterday.

For weeks I tried offering him a little bit of comfort.

But I didn't respond to all his needs.

He sent me emails that I didn't respond to.

He reached out to me but I was too much in my own head.

The phone call I got yesterday sent me to my knees.

I know all the nice people are going to try to tell me I'm not to blame, and I appreciate that, but let's be real. I could have done more.

My words of wisdom weren't enough. I could have done more. I could have been more attentive.

I think I am done with words of wisdom.

6 comments:

Kordo said...

You did what you were allowed to do.
The destiny of others is not in your hands. Never try to think that you are responsible of the life of others. You are not. God is.
There are reasons you can not always know.
The death of the body is not a death.

However, it is normal to feel what you feel.

Sophia said...

Thanks. I need to talk about this. I hardly ever feel the need to talk about issues anymore, but this is different.

I might not be completely responsible for his death, because there was a lot going on in his life and he was very tired, but I didn't respond to all his needs. He kept reaching out to me but I was too selfish to take more time to do more for him. He sent me emails telling me about things he enjoyed, and another email trying to get me to play an online game with him, but I didn't respond. I think he wanted closeness to a friend and I didn't provide it. Most of my friends and family know I am bad about responding to emails but now look at what has happened. Even if I am not responsible for his death I could have provided more comfort. I could have been a better friend.

Gregory LeFever said...

Who among us cannot have been a better friend? Please don't torture yourself over your friend's karma. All of our lives are too short for much misery.

Kathy said...

Sophia,

I agree with Gregory LeFever

Suzie said...

As do I, Sophia.

Diane said...

My dear, dear Sophia.....how I understand your turmoil. I, too, lost a friend to suicide about 3 months ago. It has taken a while to sort out the feelings of regret, guilt, etc. My friend also took the life of another close mutual friend before taking her own life. Also, I had to deal with why did she kill the other friend and not me? It could have so easily been me that she choose to kill.

And so, I have to allow it as "it is what it is". Being present now is the only thing that helps. Diving into memories only creates suffering.
Blessings to you. I do understand your pain.