Friday, April 11, 2008

Uncertainty and Insecurity

I've thought a little bit about the meaning of my most recent dream. Driving on the wrong side of the road and lying about winning the lottery really says a lot about my fears and financial insecurity.

I used to live a comfortable life. I wasn't rich, but I never had to worry about not having enough money to pay the bills. Things are different now and I can't stop worrying about what is coming in the near future. It's really going to be bad. We won't even be able to afford to go out to eat anymore. We have been eating at home a lot the past few months, but to know there won't be any money in the budget for a dinner outing is disturbing me. We're going to be pulling it real close. We created a spreadsheet tonight that shows all of our monthly expenses and income, and I couldn't help but notice that there'd barely be enough left over for groceries.

Not only am I worried, but I'm angry at myself for letting depression interfere with my life to this degree, to the degree that I can't even go to a job every day. Each time I come out of an episode, I tell myself that it will be the last and that everything is going to be all right. But every time, around the corner, I end up in another episode. Not only is it hurting me, but it hurts my husband, who was wanting to retire this year. He used to be a happy go lucky guy, but I've noticed the past year or so that he sometimes gets depressed, and I know that it is my mental illness that brings him down. I've asked him about why he seems down sometimes, and he admitted that he doesn't like to see me depressed.

I miss the days when we went to museums and zoos, and I'd play happily at my piano. I have photographs of those days, and I always had a smile on my face. Once, in college, a college-paper journalist wrote an article about me and my smile. If he saw me today, I don't know that he'd recognize me.

I really need to get back into entering sweepstakes. I know the odds of running into a windfall are against me, but if the Law of Attraction is true....

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Quote: I know the odds of running into a windfall are against me.
It's not the odds that are against you, but your mean spirit and your self absorption. You reap what you sow and in your case that is stinginess, not of goods, but of your affection. You need to learn not to be judgemental and merciless.

Paul S. said...

Hi Sophia,

I saw your post, so I wanted to see if I could give you some advice about your situation.

You say you keep entering depression... why could that be.... Do you know what the actual problem is?

Maybe I can answer with an analogy.... When you're gambling, you have a chance to win but most of the time it's just luck. You don't have much opportunity to concretely influence the outcome.

But if you keep the money that you didn't lose from gambling, you can start to think you won that money back instead.

Now I can tell you a secret... If you want to be able to keep yourself from depression, the first thing you need to do is understand the problem and then establish a good thing inside yourself. Rather than relying on a luck or chance, if you keep the money you saved and use what you know to do something for yourself, then you can succeed guaranteed. Making something, establishing something in the facts, etc, those are what you need to find the evidence that you don't have to be depressed.

It really depends on how well you recognize what is in the problem and then your will and effort to solve it will let you gain what you really want.

I hope this helps

Paul

Sophia said...

Chuck P.,

I have asked you four times since 2004 to leave me alone.

You're a 73 year old man who has the mentality of a child. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I am simply not interested in playing the role of your "mommy" in some weird BDSM fantasy you have.

I have told you before that I'm not intersted in this psychological game you keep trying to get me to play.

Every time I gave in and allowed you some time, hoping to get normal conversation out of you, you revert back to your old behavior. There may be others who have time for that, or who want that, but I am not interested in it.

I am not your mother. She kept her affection from you. Please quit projecting her onto me and seek psychotherapy.

I'm not interested in getting into some Internet flame war with you so please, for the fifth time in years, leave me alone.

Sophia said...

Hi Paul,

I don't really know what the problem is. There are some things from my childhood that the therapists think have affected me, but I don't sit and mourn about those things, or really anything else. I just become disinterested in everything and feel unexplainably sad. I'm more tempted to blame the depression on an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. I think it is more physiological than psychological.

Thank you, Paul. You really are so very kind to offer these words. When I have good days, I always feel like I've won something. Many depressed people don't even have that much. One good thing about being bipolar is for every down there is an up. The ups don't last as long as I would like for them to, but I feel blessed that I have them at all.

Christi said...

I don't have any suggestions for you, but I'm sending many thoughts of peace and love to you.

I hope to see you soon. :o}

With hope,
~ Christi

Sophia said...

Hi Christi,

Your friendship is twice as valuable to me as any suggestions! :)

I hope to see you soon, too. Next week is going to be busy, but perhaps that next weekend or the following week will be good.

Of course we should do some things soon because after Squidlet is born you might not have time for a while!

Christi said...

I'll always have time for you, it just might involve bringing a sleeping monkeycat with me. :o}

As to when, my life is pretty uneventful so anytime works... just let me know what looks good for you and we'll work on setting something up.

Cheerfully,
~ Christi

Mossy said...

Sophia,

I hate to see you suffer. I hope that there is a bright side to all of this and that your difficulties help you somehow. It could be that this is all part of some divine plan.