Friday, April 5, 2013

Out of Winter's Grave Still Covered in Dirt

It is April 5th, 2013 and although spring has been here for a short while today seems to be the first real day of spring. I have been too depressed for so many years that I have forgotten how to get excited over the beginning of spring. Even now I am relying on a caffeine pill to give me enough feel-good energy to smile at the sun.

There are people outside; they are listening to their music and the children are playing. For the most part I liked winter when the children were still inside. It was much quieter and people did not feel the need to drive by with music blaring out their car windows. I guess it's safe to say that spring should excite me but does not because it does not fit my mood. Winter is more like me. I guess in a way spring depresses me because I don't feel like bathing in the sun or laughing with friends. I prefer to be alone and how can spring and summer accommodate someone who stays indoors? My loneliness is self-imposed - I turn down most social invitations - yet seeing people frolic together seems to amplify it.  Winter is mine; I am indoors with everyone else. Nothing is expected of me.

After more than ten years the doctors have found a good medication cocktail for me and I seem to feel a twinge of hope that spring and summer will bring great things. Just feeling hope is a great improvement for me.  I just have to ease my way into it.  Today it's 64 degrees and one of my windows is open with my cat sitting in it. This is the first step to saying "hello" to spring.


toasterface said...

too depressed? last time i posted here, you seemed to have found your 'soul mate'. i figure finding the right person to share your life with, would be an uplifting experience to ward off depression

Sophia said...

Unfortunately my mental illness gets worse with time. Most doctors have diagnosed me with bipolar but the last two labeled me with Schizoaffective disorder.

Love is a funny thing, especially the process of falling in love. All those chemicals being released in the brain bonded me to my mate. The extreme highs are gone but now I'm extremely attached to him. It's a different phase of love - not any better or worse, just different.

There is no cure for what I have, unfortunately, but it's nice having a loving partner who can help me cope. He loves me and all my flaws. Personally,I think I'm pretty weird. LOL

toasterface said...

i've had to distance myself from friends and family in the last year. had several work-related injuries; i worked in a psych hospital where, on one occassion, i was hit in the head with a trashcan and had to have several stitches. fun times. but then that made then the flashbacks from losing my friends in an engineroom blaze surfaced. "military PTSD" is what four different doctors said. blah blah blah.

surviving...its what i do best. and i mostly do it alone. i've found that relationships take a lot of hard work and effort, and if its too much to deal with, i cut my losses and go

goatman said...

You must get out. You and Roger go to an art show or a theater or a goofy ballgame near the high school.
My best is still with you, I hope.

Sophia said...

Toasterface, Did you have to distance yourself from friends and family because you needed to be alone and away from any kind of stimulation or is it because they couldn't understand?

Relationships do take a lot of work, but through my own experience I can say that all that effort is worth it if you're with the one you love. I guess one way of knowing you're in love with someone is if you feel a hunger to make that effort. Having said that, I am like you in that I mostly like to be alone. I think I am afraid to have friendships because of the work involved or because I have trust issues - probably the latter, although since January I've gone out a few times with a woman here. She has the same illness I have so we both understand each other. I guess it helps to make and have friends who have something in common.

I don't think it hurts to be picky about who we befriend. I was too loose with my choices over the years and paid for it dearly. Now I'm very picky, but I think the ones who get through my protective wall are worth it. Also, someone told me not too long ago that it's OK to have friends but we don't have to give the same amount of trust to all of them. I think that was once my problem - I gave trust so easily.

Sophia said...

Goatman, your best is not only still with me, you ARE the best. :)

Rog and I used to go to the movie theater but we haven't in a while because it's so expensive. So, we mostly watch Netflix movies, television shows, or go out to eat. This weekend we plan on playing Scrabble. Also, sometimes on Sundays we go to his parents' house so I guess I do get out a little bit, but not much. I have been keeping my eye on a camera and someday hope to get it. I feel that it will get me out of the apartment and staring at trees, bugs, scenery, etc. I like my old point-and-shoot but I want to be more artistic. Other than that I don't have too much outdoor time planned. There are some small art museums close to his parents' that his mom has taken me to, and also some antique shops. Here in our town, though, there is a lot... um... missing. I feel lonely here and am still going through something like culture-shock. If I were into beer, hunting, four-wheeling, NASCAR, etc., then I might have a better chance of fitting in. I've heard two other people talk about how weird this place is, so I'm not the only one who is stuck in the Twilight Zone. All complaining aside, being with Roger is worth giving up Indiana/Louisville.