It is April 5th, 2013 and although spring has been here for a short while today seems to be the first real day of spring. I have been too depressed for so many years that I have forgotten how to get excited over the beginning of spring. Even now I am relying on a caffeine pill to give me enough feel-good energy to smile at the sun.
There are people outside; they are listening to their music and the children are playing. For the most part I liked winter when the children were still inside. It was much quieter and people did not feel the need to drive by with music blaring out their car windows. I guess it's safe to say that spring should excite me but does not because it does not fit my mood. Winter is more like me. I guess in a way spring depresses me because I don't feel like bathing in the sun or laughing with friends. I prefer to be alone and how can spring and summer accommodate someone who stays indoors? My loneliness is self-imposed - I turn down most social invitations - yet seeing people frolic together seems to amplify it. Winter is mine; I am indoors with everyone else. Nothing is expected of me.
After more than ten years the doctors have found a good medication cocktail for me and I seem to feel a twinge of hope that spring and summer will bring great things. Just feeling hope is a great improvement for me. I just have to ease my way into it. Today it's 64 degrees and one of my windows is open with my cat sitting in it. This is the first step to saying "hello" to spring.