Social Disgraces

My sister is moving out-of-town in a week or two, so we went out to eat dinner together tonight just to kind of chat for a while, have a drink and enjoy each other's company. She's only moving a little more than two hours away, and she promises I'll see her often when she comes home to visit, but we never saw each other much to begin with, so I know how this is going to turn out; I'll be lucky if I see her two or three times a year. What matters is that tonight we had a good time, ate some Mexican food and enjoyed a strawberry margarita. For a going away gift I gave her one of those good luck trolls. I saw them in the store today and they made me remember how much my sister and I enjoyed having them when we were younger. They sort of disappeared from the world for a decade or two, and then today there they were, sitting on a store shelf reduced to clearance prices. I bought two of them, both green, one for her and one for me. I like it when toys are brought back for another shot at the market decades after they disappeared. I admit I buy them sometimes just because they give me good memories.

After we ate, we went to pay for our food, and what happened immediately afterwards proves that I have a good reason for not socializing much. My sister struck-up conversation with the Mexican man who took our money at the register. He looked at me several times so of course I had to get involved in the conversation. I really didn't know what to say and I confess that I was so absent-minded I really didn't know what the conversation was about, so I had to really fake it. I mean, I had to pretend that I knew what they were talking about and come-up with conversation that applied to what they were talking about. I didn't really make a good shot at it and I caught myself making gestures towards the door by taking small steps towards it, because I was really wanting to get out of the conversation and make an escape for the parking lot. From out of no-where, I said to the man, "I love you." At once I was embarassed so all I could do was simply say, "I'm sorry." I know I probably confused him but it was an honest mistake. I know why I made it. Anytime I'm finishing up conversation with my family, I always end by saying, "I love you." Because my mind wasn't quite with it tonight I spoke out-of-habit on-the-fly. Anyway, after apologizing I just made quickly for the parking lot. My sister was behind me, laughing. I was utterly humiliated. To make good of it, my sister called my mom on her cell phone to joke about what had just happened. The only relief I had from the whole circumstance was that I quickly glanced over my shoulder through the glass of the restaurant to see the man helping the next customer with an embarrassed smile. I guess he thought it was funny but I'm sure he thought I was terribly quirky.

This is exactly one of the types of situations that I try to avoid at all costs, and one of the reasons I have social anxiety. It's because I am always afraid I'm going to say something stupid by making a slip-up. It's better to just keep myself locked-up behind closed doors at all times so that I can keep myself safe from the shame that I will inevitably cause myself.

Good grief, I really don't know what gets into me at times. I have a faux pas for every situation.