I'm depressed again, after having been well for more than a month. I'm not completely willing to say the depression is back for sure, as it could be brought on by PMS. Also, my doctor decreased one medication (Effexor) and increased another (Lamictal) to help me become more balanced as I was being occasionally manic. I'd rather be manic if they can't help me find balance, because mania is more enjoyable to me than depression. When I was manic I was interested again in some of my old hobbies. Today I'm just a slug. I have no interest at all, not even in making a fractal.
Basically, depression makes me feel bored with people and things that once brought me much joy and dominated my life. Fractals, for instance, dominate my life when I'm feeling well, but tonight I was completely disinterested. After sleeping all day I came to my computer with the hopes of finding something or someone online that could make me feel interest, but I've had no such luck. I've just surfed blindly through pages that didn't even touch me.
I haven't been using the energy spray because sometimes when I use it I start to feel weak and lightheaded. My husband is telling me to wait for the PMS to be over before I call my doctor, but if this depression doesn't go away in a few days I'm calling the doctor and telling her I'm going back to the previous drug regimen.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
My Beautiful Stranger
Well, it's happened. I've sold myself.
I am now making a small amount of money off my fractals. I'm not talking about a salary here, though. Until my portfolio grows with more images, I'll only make a little bit. Maybe I can buy myself a CD every month. No, not the Certificate of Deposit CD. I mean a music CD. :) A fellow fractal artist is currently making $150 a month and she's been doing it for about two years. It starts off slow and easy, so it might take me a while to even see my first $50. To begin with, you have to submit ten images of "stock photography" to the website. They have someone review them and they can either get accepted or rejected. I've been told that usually everyone has some of their images rejected. You have to get the first ten in to be a seller. I was surprised that all ten of my images were accepted from the very beginning! OK, well, maybe I wasn't surprised. I have to admit that I feel a sense of pride about my art. I can allow myself this, though, because I don't feel pride about anything else.
On another note.... My dad called and made plans with my husband to go out tomorrow night "for a beer". I'm a little worried, because neither my dad nor my husband drink. Secondly, the last time they went out "for a beer", was the day my husband called my dad eleven years ago to confess he was dating his daughter. He did this without telling me. I was wanting to hide it from my dad, in fear that he would be upset that I was with a man 32 years older than me. But that's beside the point. The point is, my dad is planning this rare event with my husband, PLUS my dad has been having health problems that I am very concerned about. Sometimes my dad tells my husband things and then tells him not to tell me because he's worried that I'll get worried or upset, even things that are related to his health. So I'm hoping and wishing that he doesn't have something very wrong with him to confide with in my husband. It would kill me if something serious was wrong with my dad. I was in tears the other day just imagining all sorts of things about what it would be like without him or my husband. I just don't want to see my dad in discomfort. I can hardly bear seeing him walk these days. In the past few years he's developed a horrible limp because he's having problems with his foot, despite several surgeries. He refuses to use a cane. Sometimes it looks like he's going to trip, and when I'm with him I catch myself grabbing his arm to steady him. He's only 58 years old.
No more sad stuff.
My beautiful stranger, where did you go?
I am now making a small amount of money off my fractals. I'm not talking about a salary here, though. Until my portfolio grows with more images, I'll only make a little bit. Maybe I can buy myself a CD every month. No, not the Certificate of Deposit CD. I mean a music CD. :) A fellow fractal artist is currently making $150 a month and she's been doing it for about two years. It starts off slow and easy, so it might take me a while to even see my first $50. To begin with, you have to submit ten images of "stock photography" to the website. They have someone review them and they can either get accepted or rejected. I've been told that usually everyone has some of their images rejected. You have to get the first ten in to be a seller. I was surprised that all ten of my images were accepted from the very beginning! OK, well, maybe I wasn't surprised. I have to admit that I feel a sense of pride about my art. I can allow myself this, though, because I don't feel pride about anything else.
On another note.... My dad called and made plans with my husband to go out tomorrow night "for a beer". I'm a little worried, because neither my dad nor my husband drink. Secondly, the last time they went out "for a beer", was the day my husband called my dad eleven years ago to confess he was dating his daughter. He did this without telling me. I was wanting to hide it from my dad, in fear that he would be upset that I was with a man 32 years older than me. But that's beside the point. The point is, my dad is planning this rare event with my husband, PLUS my dad has been having health problems that I am very concerned about. Sometimes my dad tells my husband things and then tells him not to tell me because he's worried that I'll get worried or upset, even things that are related to his health. So I'm hoping and wishing that he doesn't have something very wrong with him to confide with in my husband. It would kill me if something serious was wrong with my dad. I was in tears the other day just imagining all sorts of things about what it would be like without him or my husband. I just don't want to see my dad in discomfort. I can hardly bear seeing him walk these days. In the past few years he's developed a horrible limp because he's having problems with his foot, despite several surgeries. He refuses to use a cane. Sometimes it looks like he's going to trip, and when I'm with him I catch myself grabbing his arm to steady him. He's only 58 years old.
No more sad stuff.
My beautiful stranger, where did you go?
The Fractal Factory
I am going through another creative phase. This time the flow of creative energy is extremely strong and I have been very prolific at creating my art. I take advantage of the flow when it arrives, because it doesn't stay forever. Before last month, it had been more than a year since I had created any images.
My husband probably wishes the flow would stop for a while, because I've been neglecting not only him but just about everything else.
On another note, my 30th birthday was a blast. I spent the day with my husband, father and stepmother. They took me to see "The Incredible Hulk" in the theatre. I don't normally buy movies but this is one that I'm putting on my wish list. When I was a kid, my father and I used to watch the Hulk t.v. show. The Hulk movie that came out a few years ago wasn't that good, but this remake is excellent! My dad - my hero - managed to get me a Hulk poster from the theater. I plan on getting it framed and placing it on my wall next to my David Bowie poster.
Then we went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants. I had a Maui Margarita and got carded for it. I always get carded! My dad gets a real big kick out of it when that happens.
I received some rather magical gifts. They gave me the complete series of BBC's "Planet Earth" on Blu-Ray DVDs. The second gift made me cry, but only because of sentimental reasons. When I was a small child, my dad wore a necklace that had a photo of me as a baby on the pendant. He's kept that necklace all 30 years, and on Friday, he gave it to me. When I saw it I couldn't stop the tears. Yep, that's me, the big baby crying in the middle of the restaurant.
That pretty much wraps it up for tonight. Like I said, I've mostly been posting to my other blog. If anyone is curious or wants to see my online gallery-blog, just send me an email so I can privately send you the link.
Goodnight!
P.S. About ten minutes ago I took an Ambien sleeping pill. When I came back to my computer, the fractal above began to move on my screen. It became very life-like. My psychiatrist tells me this is not a hallucination. Instead, she says it is called an illusion. This occasionally happens to me after I take my Ambien. Does anyone else experience this with their sleeping pills?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
My Secret Admirer
"My heart beats only for you."
I received the most romantic email ever yesterday. I was taken quite by surprise, to know that I might have a secret admirer somewhere out there. Actually, I was quite flattered. When I read the words, my soul reverberated, my heart quivered. I was reminded of the passionate feeling of newfound love in which my emotions and body reacted simultaneously. Could this be one of my soul kin, who has finally found me after searching for me for lifetimes and in numerous universes? Would we reunite and complete the cycle of birth and rebirth, the end of time in which cosmic consciousness recognizes itself and all souls are freed in a state of everlasting happiness and bliss?
Too bad it was spam.
I received the most romantic email ever yesterday. I was taken quite by surprise, to know that I might have a secret admirer somewhere out there. Actually, I was quite flattered. When I read the words, my soul reverberated, my heart quivered. I was reminded of the passionate feeling of newfound love in which my emotions and body reacted simultaneously. Could this be one of my soul kin, who has finally found me after searching for me for lifetimes and in numerous universes? Would we reunite and complete the cycle of birth and rebirth, the end of time in which cosmic consciousness recognizes itself and all souls are freed in a state of everlasting happiness and bliss?
Too bad it was spam.
Recursivity
I've been hanging out at my art blog for a while. Just dealing with my art as an obsession for the time being. As with other various obsessions I sometimes have, most other things get neglected. For more than three years I've gone in and out of creative phases. The husband unit and psychiatrist recommend that I find another hobby to get me outside more. I used to enjoy photography, so it's possible I might get back into it, depending on if I want to spend the money on a camera or not, and I will only use Nikon cameras, so I'm quite spoiled. I have a nice Nikon SLR from the 90s but it is a film camera. It's time to have a nice digital camera. I am hopeful that my old auto-focus lenses will work on the new Nikon. I'm thinking about buying the D60 body, I just haven't decided whether or not to buy it with or without the kit lens. I need to dig all my lenses out of the storage bin in the closet to see what I have. Then I'll run to the local camera store to test out the lenses. It's a big investment so I might end-up talking myself out of spending the money, regardless of how many times the husband tries to talk me into it.
It appears that all three people who have taken my "friend test" know me quite well. That's actually very flattering, to know that people have taken the time to get to know me so well. Thanks.
I'll either be here or at my art blog, though chances are I'll be at my art blog. I don't know how long this current obsession will last.
It appears that all three people who have taken my "friend test" know me quite well. That's actually very flattering, to know that people have taken the time to get to know me so well. Thanks.
I'll either be here or at my art blog, though chances are I'll be at my art blog. I don't know how long this current obsession will last.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Friend Test
In the sidebar on the top right I've added a fun little quiz for anyone who wants to take it. Do you think you know me? Take the quiz and find out just how well you really know me.
Click on the quiz in the sidebar or go to this link:
http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/1762473
Click on the quiz in the sidebar or go to this link:
http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/1762473
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
It's 12:46am and I've been all alone since 10:30pm. I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. My "special friend" hasn't written today and generally my email inbox has been quiet. I've posted several inane comments on a newsgroup but it's like a ghost town, there.
Dammit, I want attention. I seem to feel this loneliness and need for attention most when I'm manic.
I was stroking my ego tonight by searching for links to my online art gallery. (Yes, it's an alternative way for me to get attention.) One webpage had several comments, one of which was, "These visuals almost replicate the effects of cubensis psylocibin or lysergic acid!"
Is that a compliment?
Hehee....
I always thought dreams were short, but tonight I've had a second opinion. I watched my dog running in her sleep for almost two minutes. I was worried at first that she might be having a seizure or something, but when I called her name she stopped.
One of the pleasures of owning dogs is stepping in drool bare-footed.
I'm terribly bored tonight.
Dammit, I want attention. I seem to feel this loneliness and need for attention most when I'm manic.
I was stroking my ego tonight by searching for links to my online art gallery. (Yes, it's an alternative way for me to get attention.) One webpage had several comments, one of which was, "These visuals almost replicate the effects of cubensis psylocibin or lysergic acid!"
Is that a compliment?
Hehee....
I always thought dreams were short, but tonight I've had a second opinion. I watched my dog running in her sleep for almost two minutes. I was worried at first that she might be having a seizure or something, but when I called her name she stopped.
One of the pleasures of owning dogs is stepping in drool bare-footed.
I'm terribly bored tonight.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Lights, Fireworks and Thunder
"I see neon lights whenever you walk by. "
"I’m thinking about the fireworks that go off when you smile."
"Once in awhile
Two people meet
Seemingly for no reason
They just pass on the street
Suddenly thunder, showers everywhere
Who can explain the thunder and rain
But there's something in the air"
~Pretenders
"I’m thinking about the fireworks that go off when you smile."
"Once in awhile
Two people meet
Seemingly for no reason
They just pass on the street
Suddenly thunder, showers everywhere
Who can explain the thunder and rain
But there's something in the air"
~Pretenders
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Is it Hot in Here or is it Just Me?
A week or so ago I went out with three of my ex-coworkers for lunch. It was so nice to see them again. They only wanted to know how I've been doing, and they didn't bombard me with questions. I wouldn't have minded the questions, but it was good to know they wanted to eat lunch with me just to see me, instead of to be nosy. Below is their picture. They'd probably kill me if they knew I put their photo on the Internet. But I won't tell them if you won't. Shhhhh!
Yesterday I received a phone call from Laurel. It was great to hear her voice. Hearing it made me want to see her again. I also heard from A. in the morning, which was really nice. He was helping me out with a computer problem. So, I heard from two wonderful people yesterday. It was a splendid surprise!
Here are some photos I took of some plants around my house. I've kind of got a green thumb this spring.
Below is my pride and joy. I've never had a Hen and Chick get this big! I put a quarter on it so you can judge how large it is. I'm crazy about these things! I want more! I now have - in addition to these - three strawberry pots full of them. I want some other varieties, though.
This is a peony bush I just planted. I dug it up out of my mother's back yard. I have another small one but it's struggling.
Here are some other various plants from the back yard:
And, to top things off, I've made a few fractals lately. It's a hobby I ignored for more than a full year. I hope I'm getting back into it as much as I used to be.
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