Sorry 'bout That

Whoa... the post from below was written while under the influence of a sleeping pill. I have no idea what it means.

I Should have Asked Him

It's in the past now, and too late for me to make my move. I never properly asked and I know I had complained about difficulties. So is this why there is no more magic?

The teacher can never offer anything unless the recipient comes forward to meet him of his own free-will. But it must be emphasized that a general desire for higher knowledge is not sufficient. This desire will, of course, be felt by many, but nothing can be achieved by it alone so long as the special conditions attached to esoteric training are not accepted. This point should be considered by those who complain that the training is difficult. Failure or unwillingness to fulfill these strict conditions must entail the abandonment of esoteric training, for the time being. It is true, the conditions are strict, yet they are not harsh, since their fulfillment not only should be, but indeed must be a voluntary action.~Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and Its Attainment, by Rudolph Steiner, [1947], Chapter IV THE CONDITIONS OF ESOTERIC TRAINING

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've screwed up so many things before, so why not my esoteric training, were I
hypothetically receiving esoteric training? And what is the polite or formal way
to ask the teacher for his knowledge?

When I failed, the teachings stopped and the magic disappeared.

Of course there are other "teachers" out there that I could ask, but not without the wonderful introduction I had to my previous teacher. He is not a teacher anymore. He is just a man. But that was my fault because I was too lazy to do my assignments. So that level of teacher/student is gone and what's left are friendly hellos and how are yas. How's the weather... How are you? Oh, I'm fine, thank you for asking. It went from talking to Socrates to talking to a friend to talking to a man. I don't know which was better but I really enjoyed Socrates. The levels of our relationship have begun to taper off. Nicely, though, so that I could ease my way into it and it wouldn't be such a shocking blow to find out the magic man you put on a pedestal for much too long was really only a man. Just a man, a normal man in whom I had placed beliefs about that caused my delusions. Yes, I poisoned myself, so it was all my fault. My fault for living in a fairy tale world, my fault for escaping the real world to come to a place that seemed magical, and to a man that seemed he could show me the answers to the universe. But now, I see now, that it is almost certain that such a man does not exist. I still feel love in my heart for this magic man. Yes, he will always be a friend, but he is not the teacher I was looking for. That becomes obvious to me more and more these past months. I noticed that when I stopped being angry by his absenses, and when I no longer hungered for our deeper conversations, it meant I was back down off the cloud I was floating on in some fantasy story. Yes, after all these, I found out that he is just a man. Not a wizard, not a mage, not a teacher. It was just some fairy tale idea I had in my head.

I don't live in the real world. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be back in the fairy tale world. Right now I'm completely back within the everyday physical world doing everyday things having everyday chores and tasks and work, and t.v. and movies....but no magic.

I want the magic back.

A 19-year old Saudi Woman....

Saudia Arabia has succeeded in adding to my recent displeasure with the Middle East. I have tried so hard to be a Pollyanna, loving everyone, being open-minded about different cultures and religions, but today I have been pushed too far. I absolutely cannot tolerate some of the Middle East's Islamic men's rule against women. These disgusting acts have tainted Islam.

A 19-year old gang-rape victim was originally sentenced to 90 lashes, because, before the event took place, she was meeting in a car with a male who was not her relative. She appealed the decision, and now, they've more than doubled her sentence because they claim she was using the media to her advantage! She is to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison.

This is just as ridiculous as flogging a woman because she allowed her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammad".

To all misogynistic and sadistic men in the Middle East (and only these types): GET A LIFE! GROW UP! You are like little boys on the playground! You have no idea how absurd and preposterous your behavior is. The only thing it proves is that you are shaking at the knees at the very thought of letting a woman use her intellect freely in your country, because you fear she would be your better.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/11/17/saudi.rape.victim/

Ignore This Post

I just needed a place to put an image so that someone in a free tech support forum can help me figure out how to fix a problem I'm having.

For my own reference, this is the link to the forum post: http://forums.techguy.org/all-other-software/658125-installshield-window-blank-please-help.html

How is this for a wonderfully exciting late Saturday night post?

Dream Date November 29, 2007

This wasn't exactly what I'd call a pleasant dream, so if you're here for something cheery, cover your eyes. It's actually a nightmare, and is what I'd call a "rape dream".
-------

I am laying spread-eagled on the ground. There is a man on top of me, holding my legs down with his legs, and holding my hands and arms down with his hands. His full weight is on top of me. Strangely, he is forcefully sucking on my cheek. In the pit of my stomach I feel fear. (As far as I remember, my clothes were on.)

I am Most Comfortable Around Animals

At the moment, my cat Peachy is laying on my right shoulder - as she does every night when I am on the computer - holding on to the back of my shoulder with her front claws, her back paws upon my bosom, supporting her. She is purring, and I nestle my lips in her fur and give her kisses. This may sound strange, but I always love to smell my kitties; they each have their own unique smell. Sometimes their scents are so fresh, as if they had just taken a bath. I've even thought a few times that they smell like flowers.

Life Gets in the Way of Life

You guys are going to have to forgive me. I always make excuses so of course that's what I'm going to do now. I have gone from being bored at work with nothing to do, all the way to extremely stressed from having too much to do. As if work was not enough, the holidays are here and so many other things have been going on.

I know you don't come here to listen to me complain, but that is exactly what I am doing. I can't visit blogs and I know there's supposed to be fairness - you visit me and I visit you, you comment on my blog and I comment on yours - but I just don't have the time right now. So please please please forgive me for that. I will still occasionally post items on my own blog because it is my diary, albeit a public diary.

As for comments, I am so far behind that I cannot catch up, so I apologize if you've commented recently and I haven't responded. I have read all of them though and I always do. I'll try to respond here and there as time permits, because I do crave interaction online; it sure beats the superficial non-spiritual interaction of the offline world.

My main goal at this point is to try to remain spiritual even though I'm being dragged back into the unreal "real world". Being so busy, it is easy to get caught-up in the mundane again and life goes on just as it did before my spiritual journey. There are no elations, nor is there any bliss, but I am currently very content and I couldn't ask for any more. On a side note, I am starting to experience anger and this may be the direct result of coming back down from my obsession with spirituality. Of course I'd love to be back in the warm embrace of love and light, but if time has anything to do with it, I don't have enough to maintain things.

I need to start to make time for myself to cuddle up with a book, any book, as I haven't read a full book in a year or more, and that is something I miss doing. I also haven't been creating art since April of this year, and some of the people who have admired my work have been asking when they can expect to see more. I have been feeding my internet addiction at an unhealthy level and it's time now that I start to spend less time online. To do so requires that I stop surfing blogs so much. I will still check my email obsessively, though, as I always do.

Chances are, after things settle down, weeks from now or maybe even a month or more, I will be participating in the blogosphere as much as I used to.

Give Me a Break

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. A British teacher could get flogged 40 times publicly because her seven-year-old students named a teddy bear Mohammad.

I have only brought up the news one other time on my blog and that was when archeologists unearthed a couple of skeletons that were holding each other in an embrace.

You surely know that I am accepting of all religions and philosophies even though I claim no religion of my own. But this is one of the reasons Islam has such a bad wrap in the minds of white anglo-saxon Protestants and many other westerners. If they want people to convert to their faith or to be more accepting of it, this is not the way to get it done.

I urge all Muslims to support the release of this woman. This borders on insanity and if the Sudanese religious men have any brains in their head, they would know that Gillian Gibbons had absolutely no intention of insulting their Prophet.

If anything, Mohammad should be pleased that children think so well of him to name something after him. The truth is, Ms. Gibbons and the children weren't even naming the teddy bear after the Prophet; they were naming it after the most popular boy in class, whose name is also Mohammad!

Tonight, I am flabbergasted and angry.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1687755,00.html

Untitled

I was really in a poetry-writing mood tonight. Words haven't flooded my gates like this since late 2004 / early 2005. It's hard to describe but it's almost as though a door in my heart opened and instead of thought I found myself surrendering to feeling.

This weekend I will respond to all comments that have been acknowledged by me but not properly replied to.

I will probably read this in a podcast soon just to put voice to heart's words.
--------

here i engage in thought while lost in a spiritual circle.
this has everything to do with insanity and nothing to do with awareness.
so long have i adapted to illusion when i should adopt new sight.
am i in a position to seek union with the divine
while i am stuck in a body built of nothing but flesh and desire?
my supernal needs are insatiable yet i fill myself full of nothing but waste.
might i further resist the poverty of my own weak soul?
so many false prophets are eager to be my master
yet i only desire to be witness to One who speaks Truth.
be sure that when i discover him i will embrace him.
then will i drink from the fountain that spills vitality
and i will arise from this cradle of thorns that have pierced me.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter One

I felt bold tonight, so I did a longer reading. This is the first chapter of Khalil Gibran's _The Prophet_. I followed Seigfried's recommendation and used mp3Gain software, so make sure your volume isn't turned up too high or you may be in for a surprise; it's not as quiet as usual. Also, I'm sorry, but I sound like a drone when I read. I'm not quite comfortable enough yet for longer casual chatting on microphones, so my introduction is short. Oh, and as you can tell, I worry too much about what people think of me.

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for. I've never said thank you to any of my readers. You've taken an interest in my blog, and therefore also in my life and my spiritual journey. By being here, you've become a part of my journey. Some of you have made yourself known to me by either commenting or emailing or both. We have forged some nice friendships. I have spent a long time - almost three years - looking for a spiritual teacher. When I set this blog up in February, you all became my teachers, and I have learned a lot from you through our interactions. I may never find a personal teacher to call my own, but who needs one when there is such a knowledgeable circle of people who not only take an interest in what you go through in your day-to-day life, but also take an active role in that life. Some of you are quiet and say nothing at all, quietly watching, maybe with interest, maybe with disbelief that some crazy woman openly reveals her innermost thoughts, but still, you are here. This blog, your blogs and the interactions that go on in comments and emails (when I keep up with them) are a big part of my life. I mostly live a private life, and I don't socialize much, because I know of no one in my locale who shares the same interests with me, or who would even understand me, but my social needs are met here, online, and who cares if that makes me a nerd or a recluse or even if it means I'm addicted to the Internet.

Anyway, I'm not alone. Thank you.

(OK, end of sappy presentation. You may resume your activities!)

Powered by Podbean.com