I Should have Asked Him

It's in the past now, and too late for me to make my move. I never properly asked and I know I had complained about difficulties. So is this why there is no more magic?

The teacher can never offer anything unless the recipient comes forward to meet him of his own free-will. But it must be emphasized that a general desire for higher knowledge is not sufficient. This desire will, of course, be felt by many, but nothing can be achieved by it alone so long as the special conditions attached to esoteric training are not accepted. This point should be considered by those who complain that the training is difficult. Failure or unwillingness to fulfill these strict conditions must entail the abandonment of esoteric training, for the time being. It is true, the conditions are strict, yet they are not harsh, since their fulfillment not only should be, but indeed must be a voluntary action.~Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and Its Attainment, by Rudolph Steiner, [1947], Chapter IV THE CONDITIONS OF ESOTERIC TRAINING

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I've screwed up so many things before, so why not my esoteric training, were I
hypothetically receiving esoteric training? And what is the polite or formal way
to ask the teacher for his knowledge?

When I failed, the teachings stopped and the magic disappeared.

Of course there are other "teachers" out there that I could ask, but not without the wonderful introduction I had to my previous teacher. He is not a teacher anymore. He is just a man. But that was my fault because I was too lazy to do my assignments. So that level of teacher/student is gone and what's left are friendly hellos and how are yas. How's the weather... How are you? Oh, I'm fine, thank you for asking. It went from talking to Socrates to talking to a friend to talking to a man. I don't know which was better but I really enjoyed Socrates. The levels of our relationship have begun to taper off. Nicely, though, so that I could ease my way into it and it wouldn't be such a shocking blow to find out the magic man you put on a pedestal for much too long was really only a man. Just a man, a normal man in whom I had placed beliefs about that caused my delusions. Yes, I poisoned myself, so it was all my fault. My fault for living in a fairy tale world, my fault for escaping the real world to come to a place that seemed magical, and to a man that seemed he could show me the answers to the universe. But now, I see now, that it is almost certain that such a man does not exist. I still feel love in my heart for this magic man. Yes, he will always be a friend, but he is not the teacher I was looking for. That becomes obvious to me more and more these past months. I noticed that when I stopped being angry by his absenses, and when I no longer hungered for our deeper conversations, it meant I was back down off the cloud I was floating on in some fantasy story. Yes, after all these, I found out that he is just a man. Not a wizard, not a mage, not a teacher. It was just some fairy tale idea I had in my head.

I don't live in the real world. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be back in the fairy tale world. Right now I'm completely back within the everyday physical world doing everyday things having everyday chores and tasks and work, and t.v. and movies....but no magic.

I want the magic back.