I'm slacking a bit on this blog and on keeping up my end of email friendships, so please forgive me. I tend to go through these phases every once in a while. Besides being busy I've found myself trying to fight off what might be another episode of depression. I don't know if it's going to happen, but the past couple of weeks I've felt hints of it. I'm deeply frightened that I might find myself in another hole, but I can at least remind myself that every time I've fallen into one, I've always managed to crawl back out. I can walk into a dark tunnel, but there will always be light at the end of it. I want to put a happy smiley face here so no one worries about me, so here you go - :) This is just a cycle my brain goes through. I'm not mourning over anything or feeling depressed about anything in particular. Who knows, tomorrow I might be right back here throwing a party.
I wonder if enlightened people go through depression. I wonder if my depression will keep me from becoming enlightened. I want to help people get rid of negative energy in their lives and here I am probably swarming with negative vibes!
Anywho... you guys know where I'm at if I disappear for a while. Check back every once and a while, because I will eventually be back. It might even be tomorrow.
On a separate subject, here is a poem I wrote tonight. It is completely infantile, but I can't express myself very well so this will have to do.
Fare thee well, fare thee well
We will never pass this way again
A meeting, a parting, everything changes
There is a mark left upon my heart
For me to remember you by
When you want to feel my heart beat
Just put your hand across your chest
When you want to hear my voice speak
Listen to the wind blowing through the leaves
When you want to taste my tears
Part your lips when it rains
If you miss the scent of my perfumed skin
From the nearby vine pluck a honeysuckle bloom
Whatever you do, do not feel alone
Just open your eyes; I am here
----
And, here's a song I found tonight that I like. Just click the name of the artist and title to listen.
Massive Attack :: Teardrop
Here's a cover of that song done by Jose Gonzalez. Let me know which one you like the best.
José González :: Teardrop
26 comments:
You take care of yourself, always thinking of you. Love the poem, feels very good. My machine don't do music but I am sure it is grand.
Love and Peace Sophia, always. Jim.
Sophia,
It's possible that you are going thru another phase. And this can be very frightening and depressing. Like being exposed to new experiences, ideas, people, situations, circumstances and problems. Everybody will have to go thru the eye of a needle. And the only way out is thru.
Let me just give you something I picked up on internet:
Ego is what others think of you. Self-esteem is what you think of yourself.
I will be thinking of you, keeping an eye on your blog. Perhaps I will start my own and continue my journaling in the days to come. Well, this is not a promise. I'll see how much time I have after my sick leave.
I have the idea that I am in for another confrontation. And I might have to settle it for good. Like the one I just had. I may have to dump my present job.
In the meantime, Sophia, my coach, has plans to keep me in shape. Or maybe she might just carry me away.
Please remember that every trial is meant to enlighten you. Hell is training.
One more thing:
Not everybody is priveleged to go thru controlled medication. Meditation is one thing. Medication is another. You may have to find out what it is like to be drugged. ;>) And see if you need it all your life. I hope that sooner or later it will give you up. Or you will have to give it up. But please don't use willpower to do this. This will happen on its own as soon as it is replaced by something else.
Yes, enlightened people will suffer from depression as long as they keep getting better. I've been thru several long dark nights of misery, fear and hopelessness. Only to wake up in the morning completely born again and being myself.
Hopefully you will learn a lot from me. Excepting enlightenment itself.
Sophia,
Try to do or say something stupid or outrageous. And try to forget it. If you couldn't it was too extravagant.
And if you already did, you are doing fine. You'll get over it.
Sometimes you need to do crazy things to get used to crazy people and being crazy.
Or maybe you are just bored.
Here is one of my ego trips:
I still smell from the pigsties
when I came back from the dinner
the mayor of the town gave us
in our honour, the new inhabitants.
First, we had an hour-boat trip
around the industrial area.
I sat across a pretty woman,
next to his nervous boyfriend.
They were a Macedonian couple;
the girl came to live with him
just about six months ago.
I tried my best to ignore her
and tried to talk to his friend.
I noticed that her shapely body
was carelessly turned towards me,
while she talked to her friend
in a language that sounded Greek
to me. She was twisting her hair
as she spoke unintelligibly.
I felt a little bit excited.
Fortunately across me to my left
sat a prepubescent girl staring
at me with her made-up eyes.
I let her distract me for a while.
Anyway, I wasn't interested in her:
I just wanted to find out
if she spoke English or Dutch.
She said something like nee,
and started asking me questions
which came out of a phrase book.
Then the man took her away
to watch the sea, outside the cabin.
Later, we had to see the pig farm.
In the bus I sat just behind
two councillors who showed us
the town's most important places
along the way, giving some comments.
The organic farm reeked of dung
but it wasn't offensive really.
I looked at the piglets closely;
they're cute. I'se told mos'ov'em
had about six months to go
before they were slaughtered.
Anyway they don't have to work
while eating all the time, I joked.
It must be long enough for them.
Then I told the people near me
that I was vegetarian, anyhow.
Piet, the only boar in town
looked bored in his cell.
Once a day they let him
inspect the grown-up pigs
for any sign of sexual interest.
I envied him; they're not planning
to kill him for his meat yet?
His eyes looked old and teary tho.
The owner with a long face told me
the farm is almost 400 years
in existence. That was long ago!
Finally it was time to go back
and have our dinner at the hotel.
And as we waited for the rest
the little girl who sat across me
kept glancing at me and staring.
She has clear yellow-green eyes
and red-golden hair; she's chubby.
Perhaps she never had her eyeslashes
curled, lined and painted before.
Her baby sister stole my heart tho;
she was making funny comments;
she's quite a comedienne.
Even her parents were impressed.
I'se glad I said I was vegetarian;
so I didn't have to eat everything.
On my way back to my place
I stopped at the local dime store.
I bumped into this young woman again
and consciously tried to avoid her.
I was wearing a dapple-gray suit
over my turtle-neck sweater.
I probably looked more like
Miss America instead of a latino
she probably thought I was.
It probably broke her heart.
Anyhow on my way out I gave her
a condescending, piercing look.
She's probably confused now.
;>)
Sig,
you have intersting "ego trips". I like reading them. Hope you don't mind?
Dear One, the answer 8s yes, even those who are enlightened in comparison to the majority can suffer depression. It may not last as long or go as deeply, but as long as we live in these bodies on this earth, we are subject to all that it entails.
When I find daily life too difficult, which does happen at times, I figuratively take a good book to the attic of my mind and wait it out. This simply means that what is happening on the outside is not always the true picture. The deep inner core of our being can be at one with life and we will still appear to be sad to others.
Inside Out
The tears roll down my face.
They don’t have my permission.
Outside, my pain is written
In the water on my cheeks.
Outside, my body reflects
The state of the outer me.
The ocean of life cradles my soul,
Deep where no one can see.
Inside, the blows are cushioned
By a sea of tranquility.
Inside, my soul reflects
The state of the inner me.
So if you see me crying,
If you think you see despair
Don’t let concern for the outside
Blind your eyes to the inner life.
Remember that reflections
Are not cast from
The inside out.
You will weather this storm as you have others in the past and will in the future. We go through such dark nights but always emerge on the other side, brighter and stronger than ever.
Email me ...Z
Great Poem Sophia,
I think that internal difficulties are a part of our growth process. I certainly have my share of difficult internal experiences and I always seem to gain something from them.
Good luck!
Hello Sophia
I love your poem and wish I had written it myself... its beautiful!
I am sorry to hear that you may be entering a dark phase and that it frightens you. Also, yes everyone goes through emotional cycles, even Enlightened people have days when the emotional cycle of the body is low, or the thought stream babble of the mind is high. But its not believed or identified with, its just like internal weather that comes and goes... and although its not identified with, the nicest thing to do is not struggle with it, or even try to change it, but simply curl up with a warm blanket, a hot chocolate, or cup of tea, and a library of good books to read, or DVD's to watch, until the storm passes. You are not your body, or its emotions, or the thoughts, that may be going through dark stormy days, you are the spirit of life that is aware of it all.
On the dark, stormy days of life its best to find simple things that you enjoy doing and not pay to much attention to the storms raging. The storms will pass, and meanwhile you read some great books, watched some wonderful DVD's and so on...
I look forwards to your next post Sophia.
much love
vinito
Don't worry, Sophia, I will be thinking of you everywhere I go. I will be seeing you in every pretty girl or woman I meet. BTW nice poem!
If at my age I could still feel like Miss America, so could you. I enjoy the attention tho. Laughing with the beatiful girls at the stores is just paradise. It's more than I can handle. It's just too much. I should be looking for a steady girlfriend. Before I start looking like Rasputin.
I downloaded the two songs. It was a nice intorduction to Massive Attack. I never knew they existed. Excellent group! Thanks!
Sophia,
I guess it's a matter of how you carry yourself. I think years of aikido has completely straightened my back and gives me that very confident look. And I am very good at communicating with my eyes. I have the idea that eventho you are completely unknown you could look like you are a celebrity. It intrigues people and makes them wonder who you are. Even this handsome middle-aged councillor kept looking at me wondering who I was. Maybe he thought he could use my dapple-gray suit for a change. Unfortunately I'm not gay. Just kidding.
Well, I'm not always like this. It's probably just my years of self-suppression and repression. Well, I really prefer to be alone and ordinary. I simply don't have that much energy anymore. And I think that's what I'm going to work on sooner or later.
Sometimes I think I still have my mediumistic abilities in tack. It's a part of me that keeps rearing its head. Especially when I am tired. Fortunately it's not causing any conflict. It's just my comical and mischievous self.
Sending much comfort and friendship to you.
With hope,
~ Christi
One last thing:
Well you know Sophia I just found out I've been looking for a "mother". I've been treating my ex like one without realizing it. Anyhow it's not all my fault.
I could take care of myself, cook, wash the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the house, etc, etc, etc. But I still need somebody to kiss and cuddle me when I'm tired and lonely. That explains the restlessness and worry.
At least now I know.
It's me again.
Well. I guess I've been trying hard to insult myself and to make you laugh. Never mind, I forget things easily.
Don't take it too seriously. It's just me.
I miss you.
This is what you get when you try to lose the separation between yourself and the world. You tend to blurt out whatever comes to your mind. And it can be depressing. This explains why most comedians are depressed. They sacrifice their self-respect for money and popularity.
The thing is you should be able to keep some of your secrets for yourself. Nobody requires you to tell everything. Just keep the best things for yourself. And to hell with moralizing. Nobody is holier than you are. Nobody needs to know everything.
Priests and psychologists aren't agents of God or Jesus, whoever he is.
Well, that's enough for today. ;>)
Hi Jim,
Hearing from you always cheers me up. :)
Hi Sigurd,
You are very wise.
If you start a blog, I would love to be one of the first visitors. Of course I would read your writings, and I'd place a link on my side bar so that I could visit you frequently.
I wish for you a speedy recovery and that you can find a safe place to work, not one that can be damaging to your dignity.
I have been on medication since 2002, and now I'm on a whole cocktail of drugs. I wanted to do away with them, but just recently I forgot to take one of them for four days in a row, and it definitely caused me some problems. That may be why I believed I was heading for another episode of depression. Now that the levels of that medication are balanced, again, I believe I feel better. It's sad, but yes, I think I will have to be on these things the rest of my life. There is no telling what kind of damage my liver is experiencing. I figure that I'd rather have a short happy life than a long miserable life.
Sigurd,
I, too, enjoy these "ego trips" of yours. They fill me in with your experiences of your days, and fill my mind with vivid imagery as I imagine you mingling with these people. I've also noticed that you take a lot of interest in young women. :) Have you ever mustered up enough courage to ask one of them out on a date? Have you ever tried CraigsList for your country? I know you want a hand to hold, and someone to cuddle with, someone to love you. It might not be the same thing as what you're expecting, but I love you. I have ever since you started visiting my other blog in 2005. Yes, I remember you. Your writing patterns are the same, it could not be mistaken, and I am flattered that you would find me again. What's not to love? You are charming in your own way, a very pleasant person who likes to share human experiences with other, making yourself and others feel less lonely. It's a connection you're making, and love is like the glue that holds that connection together.
I am glad you enjoyed the music. The original version, done by Massive Attack, is a song I have obsessed on since the moment I've found it. I listen to it over and over again.
Are you afraid of your own mediumistic abilities?
While I am rather open on my blog, I am not completely open. To be so would require complete surrender, and I only surrender that much to very few, especially when I deem them worthy of my trust.
Thanks for your company. :)
Zareba,
Thank you for your message. Every time I see your name and that pretty rose avatar, I feel a sense of serenity. It's because you are serene, and you are such a gentle soul. Your words certainly help to calm the outter storm, as I remember from your words, the depression is the outter, not inner me.
I will send you an email. Thanks.
Hi Mossy,
As soon as I think I've jumped over all the hurdles, another one jumps right in front of me! I'm not too worried, now. I think things are going smoothly, I was just worried about nothing. I'm fine. Blame it on fear!
Happy Tuesday and may you have a splendid rest-of-the-week!
Hi Vinito,
Thank you for enjoying my poem. :)
Like I told Mossy, I think I was worried over nothing. I thought I had hints of dark days coming, but this morning I woke-up and I felt fine. Thank goodness. When I'm depressed I don't feel like doing anything, even keeping up with my blog or emailing friends or other hobbies that I enjoy. All I want to do is lay in the bed, and mostly I sleep. The hobby I enjoy the most - sending and receiving emails and blogging - gets put on the back burner, not because I want it to be that way, it's just what happens because I have no motivation. But today, I feel motivated, so things must be good, right? :) Yes, I was worrying over nothing. It did not come. I'll just think of the past couple of days as a scattered thunderstorm that quickly blew away.
I'm so glad to hear that even enlightened people go through these things. I mean, I'm not glad they experience depression, I'm just glad that it is possible to be enlightened at the same time. I don't know why, but I held this image in my mind, one in which all enlightened people were perfect. I simply need to remember that enlightened people are.. well... people! And to be a person is to be human, and with that comes all the human experiences.
Thanks for your visit, Vinito. Glad to see you again. :)
Hi Christi,
Your good vibes were received and felt! Thanks very much. I hope I can one day return the favor.
Love,
Sophia
Sophia,
That was frightening!!!
Well, as a matter of fact everyday I receive in my email a list of more than 100 local women with pictures, looking for a date, frienship or love but I have never tried to chat or write to any of them. Honestly! I simply don't have the time yet. I've been thinking of my two boys and my present situation at work.
Moreover, I tend to prefer to flirt just with women around my neighborhood. ;>) And I almost went out on a date with girl friend but realized I wasn't ready yet. I had tried pen-pal-ing for friendship for a while but stopped when I became busy. 3 women had been writing to me and vice versa.
At the moment I find myself in a dilemma because I am becoming attracted to a very young woman, who could be my daughter. I don't even know how old she is; maybe she isn't even 18 yet. Probably mid-life crisis. The thing is she doesn't have any idea how old I am.
However, yesterday and today, I just realized how much I wanted to be mothered.
Very often I find myself walking around in ecstasy, I couldn't decide what to do. And when I go out to buy groceries or whatever, I kind of start paying attention to beautiful women. ;>)There's just plenty of them where I live. But maybe you are right about me being shy, because I kind of just freeze when I see one. ;>)
Thanks for the Craigslist; it looks interesting.
Let me explain what mediumism is all about:
A medium is one who acts as an agent for a person, group, belief, religion or tradition. Anyone who believes in anything becomes a medium of his beliefs. His beliefs tells him what to say and what to do. He acts out what he thinks is true or right. This includes fanatics, terrorists, religious and cult leaders and teachers.
This is the danger of mediumism and beliefs.
Enlightenment has nothing to do with mediumism. An enlightened person is not a medium, prophet or an oracle. My opinion.
Something to think about.
However, it's not possible not to be or not to become a medium. We are all in a way mediums of our own thinking, ideas and beliefs. Again my opinion.
A christian is a medium of Christianity. A buddhist of Buddhism. As long as one accepts any sort of beliefs or any form of traditions, one has a tendency to act as a medium.
At least before enlightenment. Just an idea.
Sigurd,
How long have you been "too busy" to ask someone out? Is it something you keep procrastinating about for some reason? Fear, perhaps, of rejection? In my experience, procrastination gets me nowhere, and I don't know of anyone who goes anywhere with it.
I guess I am just a medium of myself. I'm a conglomeration of thoughts that never come to fruition, or thoughts which seem to be trying to work towards answers to unsolvable questions. I'm just one big question mark in disguise.
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