2007

2007 has come and gone and you guys were here with me for most of it. Thanks for a great year, and thanks for having enough gumption and strength to stick with me through the whole thing. (Not everyone can do that, you know!) Here's to another exciting year of drama. (That is what keeps you coming here, is it not??)

May your 2008 be wonderful and great!

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter 2

I know it's been a while since I read chapter 1, but here is chapter 2 for your enjoyment. I enjoy reading this, so I should hopefully get more chapters out, soon. If you have not listened to chapter 1, you may do so by clicking on the link following the player. The link will take you to my podcast blog.

Powered by Podbean.com

Sophia W. Podcast

My Sweet Wraith

It's possible that another wave of poetry energy is finding its way to me. This happened once or twice several years ago. Not all of my writing is going to be spiritual in nature, some of it is very human, or even very animal. I don't care that it's not any good. That doesn't matter. I just want to express myself.

-----
Forsaken winds in the night
Come back to haunt me -
Memories, ghosts of yesterday
That flee through the mind.
I remember your cruelty,
You were playing with power.
Do you remember my love?
Back then all that we had
Was each other; That was enough.
But soon, a savage energy
Pervaded our bonds, turning
Our affections into hate.
We were like elemental mates,
Desire burned in our bones.
That rapture was so strong,
Too potent, we burned each other.
All those nights of envisioning,
Making love behind eyelids,
Pretending I could hear your heart,
Could you hear mine?

Burned with Divine Love, An Angel That Wants Devotion

A new discovery reveals two destinies linked -
Soul trails crossing that had before meandered.
Rays of sun peek into dark dusty heart's chambers
Once frostbitten, but now infused with warmth.
This is the first stage of a personal journey shared,
Experienced before seperately as two but now as One.
Now the jewel can be retrieved, years after losing it.
Frustrated with pain, suffering - That's the motivation,
To start not on an ordinary journey but one that is
Burning with the fires of divine love, a yearning,
To bring to extinction the animal within, forgetting
Eros, philos even, instead jumping right into the waters of agape.
In the depths of that deep blue, there will be tranquility.
--------------------

Might I taste you?

Infection, impregnated

With an idea

Obsession

What do you want?

Devotion

Angel,Your wings are fluttering.
---------------------

My Computer's Back

My computer at home is now back online. My new computer room, with the leisure blue walls, white wall shelves, new white blinds, washed curtains, new wood/pergo flooring, new quarter round and socket/switch plates is now much more comfortable to me and it's getting put back together, slowly. Now my life - along with the rest of the house - can return back to something like normalcy. Maybe, just maybe, I'll take a photograph and place it on this blog when things are put back into place.

I am so far behind on comments, I don't know that I'll get caught-up, so at this point I'll either start over on keeping up with them or I'll slowly, over time, answer them, one by one. I've read them all, whenever I was able to find a free moment at work. Speaking of work, I no longer have time to spend online and I doubt we will for the next year or so; it will be quite busy. I do sneakily visit my email from time-to-time, though, and all blog comments are sent to my email so I never miss a single one.

Merry Christmas to All

My sister, Santa and me

Me and Sis

Sis and me

Me and sis

Me and sis

Sis and me

Here it is, 8:20pm on Christmas Eve, and I'm finally getting around to wishing you all a Merry Christmas. I'm done wrapping presents and I'm contentedly sitting here at my computer desk with a purring Pollyanna sitting upon my lap, looking up at me and staring. She was my Christmas gift to myself, and boy is she affectionate! I have to be careful; already my favorite, Peachy, is mad at me and avoids me now. She's walked in twice to sit on my lap and has caught a new cat in her place. I've made efforts to push the new cat off my lap when this happens, so that Peachy knows she's still number One, but she is just ignoring me the past few days. I hope she gets over this. If there is anyone who believes that animals have no feelings, let them witness this little adventure and may they change their ways!

I was just telling a friend in email about how we spent Christmas as children, my sister and I. We'd put Mom's homemade cookies on a plate, along with a tall glass of milk and some carrots. The cookies and milk of course were for Santa, but the carrots were for the reindeer. Christmas morning, we'd run to the plate to joyfully find only crumbs and a sip of milk left. Some Christmases in the early morning, as we still lay sleeping in our beds, we'd hear Santa let out a booming "Ho, Ho, Ho!" that signaled his departure from our house. That meant it was time to get up and run to the tree to cheerfully open presents. Santa usually brought us everything we asked for - me, a castle for my He-Man toys, a bike and figurines, my sister, a dollhouse and pretty pink dresses. I can't think of anything that I didn't get that I wanted, so I feel satisfied that Christmas was everything it should have been to me as a child. My parents did a wonderful job of seeing to that, even though Mom didn't work, and Dad worked at the railroad. We weren't rich by any means. It amazes me to this day that they got us everything we told Santa about.

These were the Christmases that I used to look forward to. Granted, Christmas back then was all about getting presents. As an adult of almost 30, Christmas means more to me than just presents, although it is still a lot of fun to receive presents, as well as give. It's about spending time with family. (It was about that as a kid, only back then, it was "I can't wait for Grandma and Grandpa to leave so I can play with my toys.")

Sadly, Christmas is not as much fun to me now as it was back then. There's just too much to do: Christmas cards, shopping in madhouses, wrapping presents, etc. Then there is the "package deal", which is where along with family that I enjoy spending time with, I also have to spend time with people that are part of the deal, i.e. people that visit that I don't really care to see. Basically, it's also being around people I don't want to be around. Also, this year a depressive episode came right at Christmas time, which kept me from obtaining that feel-good Christmas feeling, where listening to Christmas music gives that warm cozy feeling. I didn't get that this year. To me, Christmas is just going to be another day, when I will patiently wait to come home to go to sleep so that I can go to work tomorrow. I'm not trying to be a grinch or a scrooge, it's just that as the years have progressed, and especially this year, Christmas just doesn't mean much to me. I didn't put up a single decoration this year, not even the small bookshelf tree that we usually put up. Some things this holiday season have brought me down a bit, so I won't get to have a real true fun Christmas. Oh well, boo-hoo.

Well, instead of whining and complaining, I do want to take time out tonight, on Christmas Eve, to say that I'm thankful for all the visits and comments you guys have given me since February on this blog. A lot of you have been here since the beginning, and I'm not just talking about the beginning of this blog, but the beginning of a blog I had way back in 2004. That means I've been talking to some of you for more than three years! (I need to get back in touch with Charlie, who is an "online friend" that I've had since 2000 when I was in college.) This blog is very much a part of my identity. I think of all of you as friends. That's one gift that keeps on giving.

I would name each and every one of my visitors, like I did a few posts ago, but I realized that I forgot to name Lucid, who is someone that's been visiting since this blog's inception. I'm not going to take any risks this time, so I will not name you all, just know that I love you all.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope your day is bright, joyful, loving, fulfilling and just plain fun.

A Delightful Gift

I received an extraordinary Christmas gift a few days ago, and I wanted to share it with the world. It comes from Jim, an exceptionally talented gentleman that I met online in October of 2005. Many of you probably know Jim, and if you know him like I know him, you'll know he has a heart bigger than the state of Texas. (Pun intended!) Jim freely gives his love energy to everyone he meets. He gives so much of it away, that I sometimes wonder if he saves any for himself. One thing I know for sure, is that he's never seemed to run out of his supply! He's never gotten tired of hearing me whine, and has this magical way of being around whenever I'm feeling gloomy. He's a guy that's full of sincerity and charm.

As you no doubt know, recently I've been going through another cycle of complaining and whining about gloomy, dark and stormy things, like I sometimes do. (God bless you all for enduring yet another round.) Jim's gift has brought a lot of love and light into my night, and has caused my spirits to soar. I'm still floating! He's just an all around talented genius. After you read the poem, go and check out some of his artwork. (My favorite pieces of his can be seen at the aforementioned link.)

Thanks, Jim!

And now, the amazing poem that Jim wrote for me:

Sophia,

Out of a Dark and dreary Day, attacks and stabs did Rain,
Beat and hurt, Wounded bad, my Voice sang a Sad refrain.
God where I knew not When, nor How to get there Soon,
Just hope and Me, in deep debris, my Eyes stared at the Moon.

On keyboard Pads and lightened Screens, paths Tangled inbetween,
Computers hummed and speakers Blared, daunting voices Screamed.
Electric lights and condensors Squeezed, the words Danced in Glassy Reams,
Hopes and fears of Real live Life, spiraled round, the Written Dreams.

Ships of Songs, in Addresses long, and Dot coms of this, and that,
Rang Bells of clanging, ding dong Chimes, and Windows of Hearts, that Wept.
To myself with Letters, clicked in type, that Strung in chains, like Tunes,
Dirges mired, in Ageold tales, and Rainbows, ran Round the Silver Spoons.

"I don't know", in Thought I said, as Software, loaded long,
"I don't know, if there is for Me, any such, Electronic Song."
But Here, at Once, a Name Appeared! Bulletin from out the Blue,
"Stay, See, let me show You round, and Talk to me of Truth!"

From Whence, come, this Lovely Sound, this Invite, to glints of Day,
I was just leaving here, as Notes of Cheer, Rang Bells in Her Special Way.
"Okay, I'll Stay and See you near, Talk and maybe try to Be,
The Self I once Was, in better times, when I Was, a better me."

Keyboards Blazed with Flaming Fires of Thoughts, and Meanings flew,
She bowled me over with Hopeful Love, and unflinching, Spoke the Truth.
What forms the rapid clicking Keys, What unselfish Gifts abound,
In this Heart, this Human girl, in All this hardware, I Think I've Found?

Months and months of Talk and talk, of Emails and Comments too,
Like Solar systems and Cosmic realms, of electrons, dripping Dew.
On Earths of screens, and blinking Lights, Stars raced, round the Room,
Emails sped and Servers fled, the raging Torrents Gently crooned.

Oh, how these Times began, between Us and I found my tune so True,
How words Spoke as when I was Young, before the bullets flew.
She brought Me glee and filled My files, She lifted my Spirits high,
But Real She was, so I could Feel, her Words canceled the Ageold lies.

How Real her Life, I Feel her So, thru glass and metal frames,
I thank Her, always, for Being so, it ain't easy, to ride these Trains.
And She knows, the Journey in her Heart, She Suffers, as We do,
She Stands, and doesn't run away, takes breaks, and gets back to You.

The Whistles blow, the Rails Ring hard, the Sounds are Signs she Sees,
"Stay, See, Talk to me," She invites us quick, to come into Her Rooms.
And when we enter into those Depths, our Realness we quickly meet,
She cuts you slack, because She Knows, Forgiveness, is her Treat.

Love Life, in spite of it, let Life, Love you back,
Stand your Ground, no matter, how hard it gets to Be,
Remember long, as Long we can, Be in touch, and let Us see,
"Stay, See," and Talk with Her, may She always Talk to me.

To my Friend, my Mentor in the Blogging Medium, Thanks for everything, Always, Love!

PS: Happy Channukah, and a Merry Christmas to you S.W. from Jim C.

Pollyanna

I was able to bring home my new little girl tonight. She was drunk from her spay surgery. She wobbled everywhere and looked up at me cross-eyed. She is seven or eight months old and has been hanging around the neighborhood for a couple months. She was living in a cardboard box on one of the neighbor's back porches, but he said he didn't want to take her in because his girlfriend is due to have a baby in January. Well, she's mine now! :) The girlfriend wanted the cat but was glad that someone was taking her in. The nights have been getting cold. I'm glad she has a place, now, just in time for Christmas.

She's apparently been in a cat fight because there is a big scratch across her nose. She'll probably have a scar. I guess an appropriate nickname for her might be "Scarface". :)

She hasn't been around my other cats very long yet. Peachy hissed at her, but only because I put Pollyanna in her room. Pancho was glad to have another female in his harem. Penelope was inquisitive; I'm surprised she didn't go on a rampage. My dog Peabody of course wanted to chase her around, but I wouldn't let him. I hope he isn't too much of a brute. We'll see after she heals from her surgery.

Thanks for your comments on my earlier posts. I'll respond to them later. I'm still feeling withdrawn but I wanted to show a picture of something that is giving me happiness at the moment.

Senseless Nonsense

Longing for yesterday,
When the honeysuckles bloomed
And the wind blew free in the wild blue.
Butterflies stirred and birds, too;
They lighted upon my shoulder.
That was when you said "hello"
And I smiled.
-----------------

Tonight the distance is near;
The end of infinity comes upon us.
We reach the end of the universe;
The only direction we can go is back.
Together, let's turn around.
-----------------

Listen, to the rhythm of your heartbeat.
thum-pum, thum-pum, thum-pum
Nature's drum
Feel the pounding in your chest
Hark! You are alive!
The only thing you have to do is live.
-----------------

I sit and wait for your silence
Any silence but yours is noise
-----------------

I don't know when or why,
I waited for your temper but found my own.

Hippies aren't Helpless

From a dream I had either last night or the night before:

"We wanted to help you, but we thought you were fine on your own. After all, you're hippy-ish."

I'm not really a hippy, I'm just casual.

Chaos in the Abode

My house is chaotic at present moment. My computer is under a dropcloth, unplugged and pulled-out from the wall. Everything - with the exception of my computer desk - that was in the computer room is sitting in my living room. There is painter's equipment here and there, and new flooring sitting in boxes in my kitchen waiting to be installed in the computer room. The house looks like a construction zone and there's not even a place for a small electric Charlie Brown-ish Christmas tree.

I haven't done Christmas cards yet and I'm absolutely dreading it, but I must as I feel it is my duty to at least send cards to those that have sent me cards. There are Christmas presents scattered throughout the house that I haven't wrapped yet. I don't even know what all I've bought so I may have to do more shopping. One present needs to be boxed and brought to the post office to be mailed; if I don't do it tomorrow or Tuesday it might not make it to its recipient before Christmas.

I like Christmas, but I honestly can't wait for January 1st to come so that I can relax back into normalcy. I have plans for January, such as making my fractal art that I haven't made since April of this year. I'm going to sit and read more. I'm going to watch some movies that I haven't even opened since Christmas of last year. (My poor father visited today and was looking through my DVD collection. He noticed that I hadn't opened a movie he got for me last year and I could tell in his voice that he was a little disappointed. It's a movie from 1971 that he'd really like for me to see, along with its sequel that came packaged with the movie.) Most importantly, though, I just want to start creating art, again.

I really want to know, and I hope you'll tell me in the comments: What do you wish for this Christmas?

(I'll respond to comments HOPEFULLY tomorrow during lunch break at work.)

Enslaved

Lately I've been spinning out-of-control, and I feel as if I'm about to burst at the seams. I feel angry at the world and many of the people in it. More and more lately I'm shutting myself up in a small room and closing the door. Today at work I couldn't stop tears from flowing as I laid my head down on my desk. I can't pretend anymore that my world is free of negativity.

I'm not sure if this is a medication issue. I'm scared and unsure of anything right now. This medication has helped me to become more active in life again, and has taken away most of my depression. I feel more physically awake than I have in years, since 2004. I've slept a lot less, although I do still occasionally sleep all day on the weekends. What I am most pleased about is that I'm able to get-up and go to work without feeling like someone needs to drag me into the office. This medication has worked miracles for my career, and it was very timely as I was about to give-up on working.

The price, though, is that I've become very angry lately, and am easily irritated and frustrated. Not only is this bad for my health, it's not good for my relationships. I've been down and out rude to people. What, you guys thought I was Miss Friendly all the time?

I sit here and I feel like I'm wound-up tight, a rubber band about to break. I've therefore made the decision to start weaning myself off the miracle drug. What this means is that I may face depression again. I've been telling myself and others that all the anxiety was fine as long as I wasn't depressed, but I'm starting to feel like the anxiety, anger and severe frustration is worse than the depression. I'd rather be polite and depressed than mean and content.

I feel like it would be nice to be held by a fatherly figure, and told that everything is going to be alright. That's the child in me. She just wants everything to be alright. It must be an inner-child insecurity issue.

I'm also very selfish and have neglected many of my blog friends and pen pals. I'm just stuck in this little goldfish bowl and all I can do is think about myself. "Oh, poor Sophia." It's a bunch of needless self-pity. I'm a big whiner.

So, there you have it. All that time I've spent trying to climb out of the human drama and I find myself right smack dab in the middle of it again. At this point I don't feel like enlightenment is even possible. It's just a pipe dream.

Maine, People?

For those of you that live in the United States, can you do me a favor? Will you keep an eye on your pocket change and see if you can find a Maine that isn't too shoddy?

I have all the quarters in my lovely states book, except for Maine. When and if I get one, I'll be up-to-date and can simply await the quarters that are to come. I was negligent for a while in keeping up with them. Now how I regret my negligence.

Thanks.

The Velveteen Sophia

I know what it feels like to be an old stuffed playtoy that can no longer service its owner. Or maybe I was dreaming.

I Love You

Mistaken about the origin of love, men are mistaken about its result. Positivistic and spiritistic morality equally recognize in love only one possible result--children, the propagation of the species. But this objective result, which may or may not be, is in any case an effect of the outer, objective side of love, of the material fact of impregnation. If it is possible to see in love nothing more than this material fact and the desire for it, so be it; but in reality love consists not at all in a material fact, and the results of it--except material ones--may manifest themselves on quite another plane. This other plane, upon which love acts, and the ignored, hidden results of love, are not difficult to understand, even from the strictly positivistic, scientific standpoint.

To science, which studies life from this side, the purpose of love is the continuation of life. More exactly, love is a link in the chain of facts supporting the continuation of life. The force which attracts the two sexes to each other is acting in the interests of the continuation of the species, and is accordingly created by the forms of the continuation of the species. But if we regard love in this way, then it is impossible not to recognize that there is much more of this force than is necessary. Herein lies the key to the correct understanding of the true nature of love. There is more of this force than is necessary, infinitely more. In reality only an infinitesimal part of love's force incarnate in humanity is utilized for the purpose of the continuation of the species. But where does the major part of that force go?

We know that nothing can be lost. If energy exists, then it must transform itself into something. Now if a merely negligible percentage of energy goes into the creation of the future by begetting, then the remainder must go into the creation of the future also, but in another way. We have in the physical world many cases in which the direct function is effected by a very small percentage of the consumed energy, and the greater part is spent without return, as it were. But of course this greater part of energy does not disappear, is not wasted, but accomplishes other results quite different from the direct function.

Take the example of a common candle. It gives light, but it also gives considerably more heat than light. Light is the direct function of a candle, heat the indirect, but we get more heat than light. A candle is a furnace adapted to the purpose of lighting. In order to give light a candle must burn. Combustion is a necessary condition for the receiving of light from a candle; it is impossible to ignore this combustion; but the same combustion gives heat. At first thought it appears that the heat from a candle is spent unproductively; sometimes it is superfluous, unpleasant, annoying; if a room is lighted by candles it will soon grow excessively hot. But the fact remains that light is received from a candle only because of combustion--by the development of heat and the incandescence of volatilized gases.

The same thing is true in the case of love. We may say that a merely negligible part of love's energy goes into posterity; the greater part is spent by the fathers and mothers on their personal emotions as it were. But this also is necessary. Without this expenditure the principal thing could not be achieved. Only because of these at first sight collateral results of love, only because of all this tempest of emotions, feelings, effervescences, desires, thoughts, dreams, fantasies, inner creations; only because of the beauty which it creates, can love fulfil its immediate function.

Moreover--and this perhaps is the most important--the superfluous energy is not wasted at all, but is transformed into other forms of energy, possible to discover. Generally speaking, the significance of the indirect results may very often be of more importance than the significance of direct ones. And since we are able to trace how the energy of love transforms itself into instincts, ideas, creative forces on different planes of life; into symbols of art, song, music, poetry; so can we easily imagine how the same energy may transform itself into a higher order of intuition, into a higher consciousness which will reveal to us a marvelous and mysterious world.

In all living nature (and perhaps also in that which we consider as dead) love is the motive force which drives the creative activity in the most diverse directions.

~TERTIUM ORGANUM, THE THIRD CANON OF THOUGHT, A KEY TO THE ENIGMAS OF THE WORLD, by P.D. Ouspenksy [1922], Chapter XV

----

One thing about this that comforts me, is knowing that all the love I gave which I thought was lost was never really lost at all.

The Divine Self-Existent

"That the existence of the one God was widely known by some classes of men at least among the nations of antiquity there can be little doubt. Among the Chinese, according to the most eminent authority, Dr. Legge, the word Ti represented the same idea as we express by the word God; and its assumption as a title by the earliest dynasty of the Emperors of China would be quite in accordance with the ancient belief that the monarch ruled as the divine representative. When the disciples of Manu approached that sage to beg for instruction in the wisdom which afterwards formed the foundation of Indian law, they addressed him as follows: "For thou, O lord, alone knowest the purport (or rites) and the knowledge taught in the whole ordinance of the Self-Existent (Svayam bhu), which is unknowable and unfathomable." And their master, in his reply, laid down the principle of the One Uncreated God, the Giver of Light. "The Divine Self-Existent," he said, "indiscernible, making the elements and the rest discernible, appeared with creative force, dispelling the darkness.'

~The House of the Hidden Places, by W. Marsham Adams, [1895] page 83 and 84
-----
I understand what this paragraph is trying to explain, but I have questions. By "the One Uncreated God", does he mean, God was never created but always existed? How can a God be uncreated yet appear with creative force? Or perhaps they meant that God always existed, but one moment appeared (out of nowhere?) with a force meant for creation. By "Self-Existent" does he mean God once existed only to Himself?

If we are One, and God is One, then it follows by logic that we, too, are God. If God always existed but was indescernible, then is creation the act of making God discernible, thus making us and everything else discernible?

Who among you would like to comment on this paragraph, or to further explain this statement: "The Divine Self-Existent, indiscernible, making the elements and the rest discernible, appeared with creative force, dispelling the darkness."

What do you think?

I Didn't Mean It...

Sometimes I say things that I regret immediately after having said them. This has been happening a lot lately. It has to do with how irrational a person can be, and how much of a habit it has become to speak before thinking. Of course, what one's mood is in the moment this has occurred has a lot to do with it, but that is not an excuse.

Why do we hurt those that are closest to us? Is it fear of being so much alike that we'll lose our identity unless we leave a little bit of distance between us? Certainly most of us are not emotionally sadistic, but yet it happens. Some tiny part of us, inside, is like a little devil that says and does things that stings our allies, and we do this because? Because we want attention? Because we want revenge? Because we feel we have been wronged and must put-up a fight? Because we fear we'll lose our possession of them?

We call ourselves "spiritual" and yet we continue to do this?

We better not completely rid ourselves of thoughts, else we'll be shooting verbal arrows at each other in impromptu speech.

And that is my thought for today. (More like, one of them....)

Goodnight.

A Real Santa

Earlier this evening I was feeding my elderly cat Peachy some canned cat food. She gets this treatment every night, while the other two cats are free-fed, because she's old and has trouble eating dry food and is very thin. After she's done eating in a closed room, there will usually be several bites left, and I'll give these to Pancho. Penelope gets a few bites as I'm preparing the meal in the beginning.

Tonight, after Peachy was done eating, I grabbed the plate and picked Pancho up and put him in his spot so he could eat the remaining bites. Penelope had already had some before all this started. But tonight, Penelope stuck her head in Pancho's way and started eating his food. Pancho, being a real gentleman, kindly stepped back and allowed her to eat. And, as if to further display his kindness, he started to bathe Penelope as she ate.

Now that's what I call a real giver. :)

(P.S. I hope you all aren't tired of hearing anectdotes about my pets in the midst of this blog which is supposed to be mostly spiritual, but every now and then I feel like telling their stories.)

Translator Please?

A problem arises when we don't know what our hearts want. This happens because the heart and the brain do not speak the same language.

Sorry 'bout That

Whoa... the post from below was written while under the influence of a sleeping pill. I have no idea what it means.

I Should have Asked Him

It's in the past now, and too late for me to make my move. I never properly asked and I know I had complained about difficulties. So is this why there is no more magic?

The teacher can never offer anything unless the recipient comes forward to meet him of his own free-will. But it must be emphasized that a general desire for higher knowledge is not sufficient. This desire will, of course, be felt by many, but nothing can be achieved by it alone so long as the special conditions attached to esoteric training are not accepted. This point should be considered by those who complain that the training is difficult. Failure or unwillingness to fulfill these strict conditions must entail the abandonment of esoteric training, for the time being. It is true, the conditions are strict, yet they are not harsh, since their fulfillment not only should be, but indeed must be a voluntary action.~Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and Its Attainment, by Rudolph Steiner, [1947], Chapter IV THE CONDITIONS OF ESOTERIC TRAINING

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've screwed up so many things before, so why not my esoteric training, were I
hypothetically receiving esoteric training? And what is the polite or formal way
to ask the teacher for his knowledge?

When I failed, the teachings stopped and the magic disappeared.

Of course there are other "teachers" out there that I could ask, but not without the wonderful introduction I had to my previous teacher. He is not a teacher anymore. He is just a man. But that was my fault because I was too lazy to do my assignments. So that level of teacher/student is gone and what's left are friendly hellos and how are yas. How's the weather... How are you? Oh, I'm fine, thank you for asking. It went from talking to Socrates to talking to a friend to talking to a man. I don't know which was better but I really enjoyed Socrates. The levels of our relationship have begun to taper off. Nicely, though, so that I could ease my way into it and it wouldn't be such a shocking blow to find out the magic man you put on a pedestal for much too long was really only a man. Just a man, a normal man in whom I had placed beliefs about that caused my delusions. Yes, I poisoned myself, so it was all my fault. My fault for living in a fairy tale world, my fault for escaping the real world to come to a place that seemed magical, and to a man that seemed he could show me the answers to the universe. But now, I see now, that it is almost certain that such a man does not exist. I still feel love in my heart for this magic man. Yes, he will always be a friend, but he is not the teacher I was looking for. That becomes obvious to me more and more these past months. I noticed that when I stopped being angry by his absenses, and when I no longer hungered for our deeper conversations, it meant I was back down off the cloud I was floating on in some fantasy story. Yes, after all these, I found out that he is just a man. Not a wizard, not a mage, not a teacher. It was just some fairy tale idea I had in my head.

I don't live in the real world. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be back in the fairy tale world. Right now I'm completely back within the everyday physical world doing everyday things having everyday chores and tasks and work, and t.v. and movies....but no magic.

I want the magic back.

A 19-year old Saudi Woman....

Saudia Arabia has succeeded in adding to my recent displeasure with the Middle East. I have tried so hard to be a Pollyanna, loving everyone, being open-minded about different cultures and religions, but today I have been pushed too far. I absolutely cannot tolerate some of the Middle East's Islamic men's rule against women. These disgusting acts have tainted Islam.

A 19-year old gang-rape victim was originally sentenced to 90 lashes, because, before the event took place, she was meeting in a car with a male who was not her relative. She appealed the decision, and now, they've more than doubled her sentence because they claim she was using the media to her advantage! She is to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison.

This is just as ridiculous as flogging a woman because she allowed her students to name a teddy bear "Mohammad".

To all misogynistic and sadistic men in the Middle East (and only these types): GET A LIFE! GROW UP! You are like little boys on the playground! You have no idea how absurd and preposterous your behavior is. The only thing it proves is that you are shaking at the knees at the very thought of letting a woman use her intellect freely in your country, because you fear she would be your better.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/11/17/saudi.rape.victim/

Ignore This Post

I just needed a place to put an image so that someone in a free tech support forum can help me figure out how to fix a problem I'm having.

For my own reference, this is the link to the forum post: http://forums.techguy.org/all-other-software/658125-installshield-window-blank-please-help.html

How is this for a wonderfully exciting late Saturday night post?

Dream Date November 29, 2007

This wasn't exactly what I'd call a pleasant dream, so if you're here for something cheery, cover your eyes. It's actually a nightmare, and is what I'd call a "rape dream".
-------

I am laying spread-eagled on the ground. There is a man on top of me, holding my legs down with his legs, and holding my hands and arms down with his hands. His full weight is on top of me. Strangely, he is forcefully sucking on my cheek. In the pit of my stomach I feel fear. (As far as I remember, my clothes were on.)

I am Most Comfortable Around Animals

At the moment, my cat Peachy is laying on my right shoulder - as she does every night when I am on the computer - holding on to the back of my shoulder with her front claws, her back paws upon my bosom, supporting her. She is purring, and I nestle my lips in her fur and give her kisses. This may sound strange, but I always love to smell my kitties; they each have their own unique smell. Sometimes their scents are so fresh, as if they had just taken a bath. I've even thought a few times that they smell like flowers.

Life Gets in the Way of Life

You guys are going to have to forgive me. I always make excuses so of course that's what I'm going to do now. I have gone from being bored at work with nothing to do, all the way to extremely stressed from having too much to do. As if work was not enough, the holidays are here and so many other things have been going on.

I know you don't come here to listen to me complain, but that is exactly what I am doing. I can't visit blogs and I know there's supposed to be fairness - you visit me and I visit you, you comment on my blog and I comment on yours - but I just don't have the time right now. So please please please forgive me for that. I will still occasionally post items on my own blog because it is my diary, albeit a public diary.

As for comments, I am so far behind that I cannot catch up, so I apologize if you've commented recently and I haven't responded. I have read all of them though and I always do. I'll try to respond here and there as time permits, because I do crave interaction online; it sure beats the superficial non-spiritual interaction of the offline world.

My main goal at this point is to try to remain spiritual even though I'm being dragged back into the unreal "real world". Being so busy, it is easy to get caught-up in the mundane again and life goes on just as it did before my spiritual journey. There are no elations, nor is there any bliss, but I am currently very content and I couldn't ask for any more. On a side note, I am starting to experience anger and this may be the direct result of coming back down from my obsession with spirituality. Of course I'd love to be back in the warm embrace of love and light, but if time has anything to do with it, I don't have enough to maintain things.

I need to start to make time for myself to cuddle up with a book, any book, as I haven't read a full book in a year or more, and that is something I miss doing. I also haven't been creating art since April of this year, and some of the people who have admired my work have been asking when they can expect to see more. I have been feeding my internet addiction at an unhealthy level and it's time now that I start to spend less time online. To do so requires that I stop surfing blogs so much. I will still check my email obsessively, though, as I always do.

Chances are, after things settle down, weeks from now or maybe even a month or more, I will be participating in the blogosphere as much as I used to.

Give Me a Break

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. A British teacher could get flogged 40 times publicly because her seven-year-old students named a teddy bear Mohammad.

I have only brought up the news one other time on my blog and that was when archeologists unearthed a couple of skeletons that were holding each other in an embrace.

You surely know that I am accepting of all religions and philosophies even though I claim no religion of my own. But this is one of the reasons Islam has such a bad wrap in the minds of white anglo-saxon Protestants and many other westerners. If they want people to convert to their faith or to be more accepting of it, this is not the way to get it done.

I urge all Muslims to support the release of this woman. This borders on insanity and if the Sudanese religious men have any brains in their head, they would know that Gillian Gibbons had absolutely no intention of insulting their Prophet.

If anything, Mohammad should be pleased that children think so well of him to name something after him. The truth is, Ms. Gibbons and the children weren't even naming the teddy bear after the Prophet; they were naming it after the most popular boy in class, whose name is also Mohammad!

Tonight, I am flabbergasted and angry.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1687755,00.html

Untitled

I was really in a poetry-writing mood tonight. Words haven't flooded my gates like this since late 2004 / early 2005. It's hard to describe but it's almost as though a door in my heart opened and instead of thought I found myself surrendering to feeling.

This weekend I will respond to all comments that have been acknowledged by me but not properly replied to.

I will probably read this in a podcast soon just to put voice to heart's words.
--------

here i engage in thought while lost in a spiritual circle.
this has everything to do with insanity and nothing to do with awareness.
so long have i adapted to illusion when i should adopt new sight.
am i in a position to seek union with the divine
while i am stuck in a body built of nothing but flesh and desire?
my supernal needs are insatiable yet i fill myself full of nothing but waste.
might i further resist the poverty of my own weak soul?
so many false prophets are eager to be my master
yet i only desire to be witness to One who speaks Truth.
be sure that when i discover him i will embrace him.
then will i drink from the fountain that spills vitality
and i will arise from this cradle of thorns that have pierced me.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet - Chapter One

I felt bold tonight, so I did a longer reading. This is the first chapter of Khalil Gibran's _The Prophet_. I followed Seigfried's recommendation and used mp3Gain software, so make sure your volume isn't turned up too high or you may be in for a surprise; it's not as quiet as usual. Also, I'm sorry, but I sound like a drone when I read. I'm not quite comfortable enough yet for longer casual chatting on microphones, so my introduction is short. Oh, and as you can tell, I worry too much about what people think of me.

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for. I've never said thank you to any of my readers. You've taken an interest in my blog, and therefore also in my life and my spiritual journey. By being here, you've become a part of my journey. Some of you have made yourself known to me by either commenting or emailing or both. We have forged some nice friendships. I have spent a long time - almost three years - looking for a spiritual teacher. When I set this blog up in February, you all became my teachers, and I have learned a lot from you through our interactions. I may never find a personal teacher to call my own, but who needs one when there is such a knowledgeable circle of people who not only take an interest in what you go through in your day-to-day life, but also take an active role in that life. Some of you are quiet and say nothing at all, quietly watching, maybe with interest, maybe with disbelief that some crazy woman openly reveals her innermost thoughts, but still, you are here. This blog, your blogs and the interactions that go on in comments and emails (when I keep up with them) are a big part of my life. I mostly live a private life, and I don't socialize much, because I know of no one in my locale who shares the same interests with me, or who would even understand me, but my social needs are met here, online, and who cares if that makes me a nerd or a recluse or even if it means I'm addicted to the Internet.

Anyway, I'm not alone. Thank you.

(OK, end of sappy presentation. You may resume your activities!)

Powered by Podbean.com

Sophia - She is a Busy Bee!

For the past couple weeks work has been busy, and my daytime work hours were usually the time I did my blogging, i.e. visiting other blogs, posting to my own blog and responding to comments and emails. Now, that is no longer an option to me and it appears we'll be busy for quite some time to come. This leaves me the evening hours when I'm at home and since we've been painting the computer room, taking out the carpet and installing new Pergo flooring, we'll be busy during the evenings, too. In addition to this I've started another very-part-time job doing secret shopping and this has taken-up some of my otherwise disposable time. I've never really mentioned my career on this blog, but for anyone who wants to know, I'm a statistician. My job is weird in that I can go literally months without a single project to work on, and then all of a sudden everything starts flooding through the gates and my desk is all cluttered with piles of paperwork and my to-do list includes making too many phone calls to count. I won't complain about my job, though, because I'm satisfied with the pay and the benefits are nice, too. When I have work to do I'm satisfied and very content and this seems to keep my depression at bay. I've noticed that my episodes usually come during the stints where there is no work to be done. Apparently I like to be occupied most of the time.

Oh, another thing, I used to use my free time at work to listen to audio books and other audio files but now I'm having to concentrate. I can still listen a bit here and there when I'm doing mindless tasks, but when what I'm doing requires my thinking skills, I have to put my listening on hold. Yes, I still have a few audio books that I'm in the middle of. Good thing is, though, I haven't forgotten what the books are about so I can easily start where I've left off and then I can come to this blog and tell you all the goodies I've learned about!

I know I'm behind on comments again, but as soon as I get some free time to relax, I'll be back to socializing just like I love to do. This of course means that I am not ignoring anyone! And in case you want to know, it drives me nuts that I can't participate here as much as I like to. I hope I can catch-up soon. Don't be afraid to say hi, though, or to comment on anything you like. I promise that I will get to it and I absolutely love and enjoy the conversations I get into with you all. Yes, Sophia's ego loves the interaction.

Have a great Thanksgiving week if I don't get back to post before then. The holidays are amongst us and that means lots of crazy shopping episodes to come as well as lots of holiday cards. Oh goodie.

Bye for now.

I'll be back.

Ones and Dreams

I just realized that two posts down I posted to the blog at 11:11am. I never did figure out why it excited me so much to see that number, but it's been coming back lately, for the past two weeks. They say all sorts of things about it on the Internet: gateways, angels, messages, etc., but maybe my mind just likes patterns and so notices it more often, especially when I'm hyper-aware, and what could be more of a pattern than four ones standing together?

I forgot to mention a couple dreams I had last week, on November 4th. In the first dream I remember, I was going to a campground. I stopped at the little post office building there and checked out some mail sitting on a table that stood on the outside in front of the building. I saw some mail that had been sent by me to my mother at the campground. It was still waiting to be delivered to her. I went into an auditorium and sat beside my stepmother. The lights went out and a film came on the big screen in front of us. It was a political message from some politicians. I don't remember what it was about. After the film was over, a voice came over the announcement system. It asked, "Raise your hand if you would like to see three become one." I looked beside me and saw my stepmother raise her hand, as well as some other people sitting in the auditorium. I didn't raise my hand. After everyone put their hands down I regretted not putting my hand up, because I wanted to see three become one.

The second dream was lucid, I think. All I remember is that I was watching a balding man with a pot belly sitting in a folding chair. It was lucid because I remember making him say certain things. I can't remember what I made him say, but in my dream I thought it was exciting that I could make him say anything I wanted.

I am Just a Cup

We are just cups into which has been poured the spirit of life.

Matter, Life, Mind, Spirit

"Life evolves out of Matter, Mind out of Life, because they are already involved there: Matter is a form of veiled Life, Life a form of veiled Mind. May not Mind be a form and veil of a higher power, the Spirit, which would be supramental in its nature? Man's highest aspiration would then only indicate the gradual unveiling of the Spirit within, the preparation of a higher life upon earth." ~_The Future Evolution of Man_, by Sri Aurobindo, Chapter I - The Human Aspiration

What would Spirit want to do with mind?

What exists that has no purpose?

Where Thoughts Come From

"Thought does not originate in the brain, nor is it created by the brain. And it is the mind which remembers, not the brain cells. It is the Ego, the "I," which thinks; mind is the substance which "I" uses, and thoughts are the tools. Thoughts are transmitted to the brain from the mind, and it therefore follows that the brain influences and determines the type and quality of thoughts received." _Life and Its Mysteries_, by Frank L. Hammer, 1945, chapter II "Mind"

Do bees have ego? (See comments from "A Students Work" for more information.)

A Student's Work

I know how easy it is to quit when I don't see sudden growth or obvious changes when I am working on something. Perhaps this arises from boredom or lack of interest, even when the goal seems most desirous. I am admittedly guilty of this. It's like quitting a project before one is finished. Yep, I do that. Guilty as charged. I wonder how one can overcome this habit?

...innocent and ignorant pupils as are not content with natural evolutionary methods for the awakening and satisfying of desire and ambition. The quiet, unostentatious movements of the slower processes of normal growth are "a weariness to the flesh" ; consequently, many are on the qui vive for something new-something that shall stimulate more rapidly the development of their psychic centres. ~Teachings of the Temple

Life Experience and Knowledge

I have lately been a little mundane on my blog, and for that I apologize. I am simply an unenlightened human with a long way to go before I ever achieve anything remotely similar to spiritual maturity. I have learned that some of you have become uninterested in my blog due to my lack of spiritual posts in the recent days. I would argue that I'm not really out to gain anyone's acceptance and that I'm just here to be myself, but I do enjoy the interpersonal relationships formed here and I wouldn't want to run anyone off by my banal posts.

With that said, here is a clipping from a book I've been skimming through tonight.

THE MEANING OF LIFE--this is the eternal theme of human meditation. All philosophical systems, all religious teachings strive to find and give to men the answer to this question. Some say that the meaning of life is in service, in the surrender of self, in self-sacrifice, in the sacrifice of everything, even life itself. Others declare that the meaning of life is in the delight of it, relieved against "the expectation of the final horror of death." Some say that the meaning of life is perfection, and the creation of a better future beyond the grave, or in future lives for ourselves. Others say that the meaning of life is in the approach to non-existence: still others, that the meaning of life is in the perfection of the race, in the organization of life on earth; while there are those who deny the possibility of even attempting to know its meaning.

The fault of all these explanations consists in the fact that they all attempt to discover the meaning of life outside of itself, either in the future of humanity, or in some problematical existence beyond the grave, or again in the evolution of the Ego throughout many successive incarnations--always in something outside of the present life of man. But if instead of thus speculating about it, men would simply look within themselves, then they would see that in reality the meaning of life is not after all so obscure. IT CONSISTS IN KNOWLEDGE. All life, through all its facts, events and incidents, excitements and attractions, inevitably leads us TO THE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING. All life-experience is KNOWLEDGE.
~TERTIUM ORGANUM, THE THIRD CANON OF THOUGHT, A KEY TO THE ENIGMAS OF THE WORLD, by P.D. Ouspenksy, CHAPTER XVIII

I think the important point to take note of here, is that we err when we attempt to see outside all of this. There is no outside. It's all in here, in this. Everything is inclusive. I say "we" because I have made this error myself.

Nothing happens that is not of everything that is.

Was Isn't

Here's another attempt at poetry. Short and sweet, and an audio file to go with it.

Around and around the face
One, two, three... sixty
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Midnight and noon
Morning and night
Isn't it funny to know
Mankind's greatest creation,
Isn't a thing at all.
There isn't a was
There's not a will be
All that is is......
............ this.
But now even this
Is gone.

Powered by Podbean.com

Chatty Cathy

I've spent a week or so looking at various mobile phone plans. I really (badly!) wanted a phone like a Blackberry that would allow me to not only make calls, but surf the Internet as well. There is something appealing about always being connected to the rest of the world, even when I'm on a camping trip out in the forest at one of the local parks or sitting in a doctor's office. I almost settled on the Apple iPhone plan through AT&T today. Then I was settled on a T-Mobile plan that included a free Blackberry. In the end, though, I think I'm just going to stick to my Virgin Mobile prepaid cell phone. I haven't been using it much because I feel like I need to save my minutes, but now I have saved about $60 worth of minutes and they're just sitting there. I'd like to start talking to friends that I've met online. I'll just have to do without the mobile Internet, and if I need to buy more minutes for my prepaid I can afford to do that. My husband keeps telling me, though, that I can have the iPhone and voice/data plan. It's a hard decision! I just feel like broadening my horizons and meeting some of you on the phone. I'm ready for that. It would be good for me to break out of my shell of social anxiety.

As an interesting side note: We can make free International phone calls through Mobivox. http://www.mobivox.com

Anyway, if I do happen to buy a cell phone, I'll need to get talking so that I can use up all my prepaid minutes. I may just ask on my blog if anyone feels like talking.

I'm just in a chatty mood today.

I Am S.S.S.

Reading Mushtaq's blog today, I noticed he had a post with one of those cute little quizzes. I don't normally take these but I thought it looked like fun so I did so.

Just so you guys know, without question, I am Sophia, Sultan of Saturn. :)

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye. You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature. And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone must delve beyond your appearance. You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life. You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has passed.

What Planet Should You Rule?

I admit this sounds like me. It's difficult to understand me, unless you dive into deep waters. Similarly, I don't let many people in. I am friendly towards most everyone I meet, but only a few can ever really get inside me. Like the test said, once you're in, you're in for life.

Anyone else want to play?

Odds and Ends

I found a record of an old synchronicity from 2006, and I'd like to keep them all on this blog.

Synchronicity Journal May 16, 2006

I was reading an article on the internet about teen drug use. The article was about prescription pain killers, to be exact. Teens are now slowing down on smoking and drinking and are instead looking in the medicine cabinets to get high off prescription pain pills. While I was reading this article, my coworker's cell phone rang. It was her husband. She got up from her desk and asked me, "Sophia, does Hydrocodone have Codeine in it?" Apparently he took some Hydrocodone and got sick from it. This is the article I was reading: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12803776/
---------

Also, I forgot to write down an amazing synchronicity from last week. It was not only amazing, but quite humorous.

Synchronicity Journal October ?, 2007

My female coworker J. and I were sitting at our cubicles, turned around to face one another. We were talking about plants. I had recently given her a cutting from the pothos that I keep on my desk. I was telling her that a few days ago, our male coworker K. had mentioned that watching for new roots on the cutting would be like watching the clock. As soon as I said his name, midsentence - I kid you not - the door beside our desks opened and in walked K. Immediately we started laughing, and K. looked at us inquisitively. I said, "Speaking of the devil!" All three of us laughed. We had a good time.

And another synchronicity from a week or so ago:

Synchronicity Journal October ?, 2007

My husband and I had been talking about President Kennedy as we were getting dressed to go somewhere. Shortly after, we drove off and as we were stopped at a stop sign in our neighborhood, I glanced over at the yellow fire hydrant to my right. In big raised capital letters it said, "KENNEDY" Elmira, NY.

New Old Dreams Posted

I found another dream journal recently. I've put all the new old dreams on my dream blog. The most recent post on the dream journal blog is a list of all the new old dreams that I've posted.

It's possible that I have more dreams laying around in some box. If I find them, I'll post them, but it might take me a while.

http://sophiasdreams.blogspot.com/

I Know Who You Are

I found a poem tonight that I really like. I don't know who the author is, though I'm guessing it's Rumi or another of the mystic poets. I've been wanting to make audio files for this blog so I finally got together all the freeware I needed to do so. Maybe next year I'll start doing video, but I have to be really bold for that, and I'm not really very bold. That, and I think anyone who posts their own audio or video on their blog must have a really big ego. I don't have a big ego, I just like reading poetry. Over time I'll probably read more and more Zen or mystic poetry for this blog. For now, here's the first. I hope you enjoy it. Just click the play button!

Powered by Podbean.com

Click here to visit my podcast blog.

Update, 10/31/07 - Thanks to Mossy for helping me figure out who the author of this poem is. The man's name is Gerald Rhoades, and you can access more of his poetry at: http://onetruename.com/gerald.htm

Are You Conscious?

Friend and fellow blogger Mushtaq Ali from Traceless Warrior writes in his paper, "Conscious and Unconscious Behavior on the Path of Transformation", that most people are not fully conscious in the sense that they are impeded by their own unconscious habits.

"As it happens, not many people are conscious--they have stopped somewhere in the process at one of the points in the process. What is often developed instead are habits--unconscious behaviors or responses--and from this, a habitual nature is created. What this implies is that our choices are limited; our pool of responses available for any particular stimulus are smaller than is intended for a human being. The result is that people tend to be at the effect of their world rather than being the cause and creation of it."

In order to operate at a peak level and to access the higher levels, the three lower levels must be in balance. According to his paper, the three lower centers are the moving center, the heart or emotional center and the head center, some of which dominate a person's being more than others when the three are not in balance. For instance, a person whose mind is constantly in a state of internal dialogue is operating from the head center.

There are certain practices that must be done in order to access the higher centers. Mushtaq hasn't included the practices for accessing the higher heart center in the paper because they must be customized for the student by their teacher, however, a process known as "self-remembering" must be done in order to begin the opening into the higher mind center. He introduces us to a tool known as the Enneagram which, when used properly, can help balance the three lower centers.

If you are on the path of transformation - I think we all are - I highly recommend you read this paper to get a good introduction on how you can be out-of-balance due to your habits, and how you can start the process of living a harmonious life. To read the 12-page paper, click the link below.

Conscious and Unconscious Behavior on the Path of Transformation

If you enjoyed this paper, there is another related paper on the enneagram, also written by Mushtaq, found HERE.

Hypno Cricket

I won't lie, I am sometimes on the verge of falling asleep at work. (This only happens when I don't have any work to do, I promise!) OK, sometimes I do fall asleep.

Today, with my chin resting on my hand, I managed to sail off into the hypnagogic state. I was not asleep yet, but almost. I had a vision of a lone spasming camelback cricket on a white floor.

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I see a lot of unknown faces while experiencing hypnagogia.

What do you see?

Skype

Some people have wanted to talk to me on the phone, and I don't just give my phone number away to anyone until I get to know them for a while, and I can't make long distance calls because my telephone service at home does not include long distance. I have a cell phone but it's a prepaid phone only so I can only use it when I absolutely have to.

I've been looking for a way to actually speak with people online using voice, and I have found some software called "Skype" that allows free calls to anyone else with Skype. So, if you want to talk, download it! The only time Skype costs money is when you call a real phone, but if you're just talking to someone else online using Skype, it's free.

In the top right-hand side of my blog you can see my Skype status. It'll let you know if I'm available to talk. If I'm online, all you have to do is click the button and you can call me. But, you have to actually download and install Skype, first!

Just a warning, though. I'm not quite as chatty on the phone as I am on the blog, so don't be surprised if I seem a little nervous. It'll all go away if I get to know you over time.

OK, go for it!

My Desktop

This is what my desktop looks like right now.
I also downloaded a cool aquarium screensaver.
I tag everyone to post your desktop to your blog!

The Role of Reincarnation in Evolution

Driving the car to work this morning I was precariously involved in thought regarding reincarnation and evolution. For a while I've become comfortable with the idea that reincarnation is a force of evolution, in that when a creature dies, it is reborn and placed higher on the chain of beings, i.e. that single cell being dies and becomes a bug that might die and become a bird, that bird becomes a cat, the cat becomes human. In some philosophies the law of karma plays a role in this process. For instance, if a human commits murder, he/she might go in reverse during reincarnation and come back as a dog. (Stick with me here, these are just ideas, even though they may sound strange.) Over time this process has progressed, pushing evolution forward. In the past, it might have been that the Australopithecus afarensis was the most enlightened being, and then the Homo habilis, next the Homo erectus and the Homo sapiens. (Sorry Mr. Chimpanzee!).

Each era our ancestors died, and were born into the next stage of their evolution. For humans, what's next? Are we to be ancestors to residents of another era, another species? Or after our death are we reborn into something that we cannot presently see, like a spirit or body-less soul? Or do we just work our way back into the Brahman goo, signaling the end of evolution on this planet? (Or, maybe we evolve into some alien species, or creature that reside in another dimension!) OK, I'm getting too "out there" for most people's comfort levels, but you get my idea. I'm just curious about what comes after the human, and well, I won't really get to be around to witness that!

If there is no karma, then perhaps we are just randomly born into any creature in our world, or in the universe or multiverse, going backwards and forwards over and over again forevermore, Brahma recycling itself continuously in an everlasting state of change.

I don't know. I'm just thinking... wondering. It's not like I'll stumble on the answer. Not even nonduality can tell me exactly what is going on!

A Spiritual Fact

You can turn off the lamp but you can't turn off the Light.

Blog Changes

I hope you like the new look of my blog. I changed it from a simple two-column blog to three columns. I personally think this is more attractive, instead of having everything on the right side. I got rid of ZoomCloud. Also, I added links on the right side of the blog to allow a reader to subscribe to the blog's feed using either their blog reader or email. I changed the size of the margins, too, to allow everything to fit on a wider page. Earlier last week and this weekend, I added a widget that will easily allow reader to bookmark this blog using their favorite bookmarking service, and I added a Google AdSense ad on the left side of the blog. (Yes, like everyone else, I'm trying to make a living and will optimize my opportunities to do so, along with filling out rebates every month and clipping coupons.) Last but not least, I made the blogger bar at the top of the blog transparent. You cannot see it unless you run your mouse over the top of the blog.

Let me know how you feel about these changes! I've worked on this blog a number of hours today, and as usual I'm not caught up on comments or emails, but I hope to be tomorrow. Thanks for being patient and for commenting and emailing.

The Predicament of Lady Isabel

Feeling a little better this morning, I think. And so, feeling so, I decided to write a small story related to something the spiritual guide inside my head spoke to me about.
-----
A princess lay in her chambers one evening, mourning over the fact that she could not have what she loved. A wise old man, walking along a path nearby on his way to a symposium, heard her weeping and decided he'd knock on the castle door, perchance to speak with the young woman. The guards, not knowing what to do, told the wise man to wait outside the door as they fetched the king. The king had himself been distressed by his daughter's grief, so he went to the door and invited the man inside. The king spoke to one of the guards, "Please take this man to Isabel's room, right away." So the guard led the man to the locked door, and knocked upon the wood with the hilt of his sword. "Lady Isabel, you have a visitor." "Tell them to go away!" she replied. The guard knocked again, "Your father would like for you to speak to him." "Who is it?" she asked. The guard, not knowing the man's name, whispered into his ear, "Um... what should I tell her your name is?" He whispered his response into the guard's ear, "Tell her my name is Naven, and that I've come to speak to her about her dilemma." After the guard repeated Naven's words to Isabel, there was a momentary silence. Finally, with shaky voice, she spoke faintly, "Fine. I'll unlock the door. You may show him in."

Upon entering the room, Naven gestured towards a chair that lay beside the princess's bed. "Do you mind if I sit here?" Isabel, a little nervous about this man's sudden presence, shook her head. Naven sat down and looked deeply into her eyes. "What troubles you? I heard your cries as I was treading upon a path that lay not far from your open window." Isabel looked down at her feet, and spoke quietly, "I love something, but I can not make it mine." "Is this 'something' a person?" Not wanting to give too much away, the princess replied, "For now, let's just call it 'something'." "OK," said Naven. Looking back up at Naven, she asks, "Can you help me obtain what I love?" The wise man chuckled under his breath. "No, m'Lady. I cannot. But I do have some words of wisdom to offer you, which might help you to see things in perspective." "Oh, well... what words could possibly cheer me up?" she inquires. "It's rather simple. Must you have or own everything or everyone you love?" She ponders for a few moments. "I guess not. No, I guess I don't have to have everything I love." "Very good," he says, "Do you love the rainbows or the moon?" "Yes, very much so!" Isabel reponds. "You can't own the rainbows or the moon, can you?" Naven queries. "Of course not!" Isabel speedily replies. "Well then, just as you cannot have the rainbows or the moon, you cannot have everything you love. You can admire it, and continue loving it, but you cannot possess it. This way, the object of your affection remains free. Look at it this way. Many of the things you own become dull after a while and you soon find yourself wanting something new. Would you want that to happen to the thing or person that you love?" Isabel smiles, "No. I don't want to grow bored with what I really love."

Naven stands up and places his hand on Isabel's shoulder. "There you have it, m'Lady. That is the solution to your predicament." After that, he turns to the door and walks out, exits the castle and resumes his position on the path. The guards watch as his figure becomes smaller and smaller with distance, until he disappears over the horizon. There he went, never to be seen by anyone in this kingdom again.

Fearless on My Breath

I'm slacking a bit on this blog and on keeping up my end of email friendships, so please forgive me. I tend to go through these phases every once in a while. Besides being busy I've found myself trying to fight off what might be another episode of depression. I don't know if it's going to happen, but the past couple of weeks I've felt hints of it. I'm deeply frightened that I might find myself in another hole, but I can at least remind myself that every time I've fallen into one, I've always managed to crawl back out. I can walk into a dark tunnel, but there will always be light at the end of it. I want to put a happy smiley face here so no one worries about me, so here you go - :) This is just a cycle my brain goes through. I'm not mourning over anything or feeling depressed about anything in particular. Who knows, tomorrow I might be right back here throwing a party.

I wonder if enlightened people go through depression. I wonder if my depression will keep me from becoming enlightened. I want to help people get rid of negative energy in their lives and here I am probably swarming with negative vibes!

Anywho... you guys know where I'm at if I disappear for a while. Check back every once and a while, because I will eventually be back. It might even be tomorrow.

On a separate subject, here is a poem I wrote tonight. It is completely infantile, but I can't express myself very well so this will have to do.

Fare thee well, fare thee well
We will never pass this way again
A meeting, a parting, everything changes
There is a mark left upon my heart
For me to remember you by
When you want to feel my heart beat
Just put your hand across your chest
When you want to hear my voice speak
Listen to the wind blowing through the leaves
When you want to taste my tears
Part your lips when it rains
If you miss the scent of my perfumed skin
From the nearby vine pluck a honeysuckle bloom
Whatever you do, do not feel alone
Just open your eyes; I am here
----

And, here's a song I found tonight that I like. Just click the name of the artist and title to listen.

Massive Attack :: Teardrop

Here's a cover of that song done by Jose Gonzalez. Let me know which one you like the best.
José González :: Teardrop

What a Life! :)

I'm in a good mood tonight. I just wanted to say that I love you guys!

And I'm almost caught-up with comments! Tomorrow I should be finished, so check some of the previous posts if you commented on them. There are still a few I need to get to. I like symmetry.

Gimme Just One More Night

I've had four days off from work, and all four of them have been busy days! I haven't had much time to spend online. Saturday morning we went to bury my friend's cat. The owner is mentally ill and can not do these things herself. The ground was very hard because of the drought we've been having, so digging was difficult. Sunday I was exhausted so I spent a lot of time resting. Tonight, I'm going to be backing up my hard drive to a new external hard drive I bought today. I need to do this because my computer is slowing down and I need to format the hard drive and start over.

Tomorrow I'm back to work, and I doubt I'll have anything to work on, so I'll have all day to get caught up on comments and a couple of emails I need to send.

Please wait for me!

Breaking Promises

I don't guess an enlightened person would break a promise. I made a big mistake! I promised I'd answer comments today, but the day turned out to be quite chaotic. I had two doctor's appointments today, a friend's cat died, and I spent a large portion of this evening juggling around with credit card companies, trying to consolidate all my cards to one card, all the while looking for the best APR. It took me about three hours by the time all is said and done, lots of talking to different people, doing calculations, etc. Basically, the time I planned to spend tonight responding to comments was spent on the telephone. So, I'm very sorry I broke a promise!

The Ocean is Not in the Drop. The Drop is in the Ocean.

J. sent me a link to a 15 page booklet this morning, by a spiritual teacher named William Samuel, and I think it really tells it like it is! I have found that this booklet enhances what I've already thought and imagined about the truth of reality. The analogies that this book uses to describe reality are utterly clever.

Read it for yourself:
Two Plus Two Equals Reality

And now, just some questions to ponder that I've thought about today:

-The eye cannot see the eye. How does the eye know it exists? (And don't say "mirror"!)
-If everything is a manifestation of Being, why are thoughts considered useless? Thoughts are Being, too! If thoughts were not Being, there would be no thoughts!
-What was Being before Being? Has Being always Been?
-Did Being create itself?
-Will Being destroy itself?

These are just some things to think about, and also to discuss. Feel free to comment, and to ask your own questions should you have any.

I PROMISE that tomorrow I will respond to all comments I've received for the past couple of days.

On Breathing

Jed McKenna mentions in his second book that our society does not know how to properly breathe, and as a result we're running around in a constant state of panic, in fight-or-flight mode. Most everyone breathes using the upper portion of their lungs.

I've heard before that when anxious or stressed, one can breathe deeper using their diaphragm. Doing so, one becomes more relaxed. I've only tried this for several moments a few times in my life, usually during educational lectures, but now that Jed mentions it, I think I'm going to try to be more aware of my breathing. I hope that after practicing, I'll be able to naturally breathe this way.

Do any of you naturally breathe using your diaphragm? Or do you have to constantly be aware of it, and so force yourself to do so?

Sophia in the Universe

This morning I found quite a penetrating letter written by Ken Wilber. I read it, and afterwards I closed my eyes and imagined in my mind that my consciousness is not just limited to the confines of my physical body. I envisioned that I was expanded, first as big as the room and then the nearby outdoors. I imagined I was also the mountains, and the roads, and all the people that were sitting close by. This is only a small sample of what the vastness of this really is. It is so far-reaching, limitless, infinite, that the universe itself is contained within it.

Mentally, I am imagining this. I can picture it, and can understand it intellectually. I believe it. The only thing that's keeping me back now is an experience of profound realization. I am waiting.

After having read this letter, I have decided that I will have to examine this Ken Wilber guy more closely. Before today, he was just a name to me, a name of a man that some regard as a spiritual teacher, and a man who has written books. That is all I know of him, before this.

Here you may read the letter yourself. Just copy and paste the words into a Word document, and on the menu, go to "edit", select "find" and replace all instances of "Sophia" with your name. If you have troubles doing this, send me an e-mail and I'll help you with it.

Ken Wilber • From You to Infinity in 3 Pages

What I am going to do in the following is simply "describe" the nondual Self right now as it is immediately seen. The following is stream of consciousness, so forgive any goofs. Simply relax your mind and read the following easily (if a sentence immediately makes sense, fine, if not, just keep lightly reading):

What you have been seeking is literally and exactly That which is reading this page right now. That Self cannot be found because it was never lost: you have always known you were you. That I AMness is a constant condition of all that arises, is the space in which it all arises, has nothing outside of it and thus is complete Peace, and radiates its own beauty in all directions. Sophia arises in the space of that I AMness, Sophia arises in this vast spaciousness, this pure openness. Sophia is an object, just like a tree or a cloud that arises in the space of the Self that you are. I am not talking to Sophia right now, I am talking to you. That which is aware of Sophia is this ever-present Self. This Self is aware of Sophia arising right now. This Self is God. God is reading this page. Sophia is not reading this page, God is reading this page. The Self is aware of Sophia and aware of this page. You are not Sophia. You are what is aware of Sophia. What is aware of Sophia is an I AMness that itself cannot be seen but only felt, felt as an absolute certainty, unshakeable is-ness, I AM that I AM eternally, timelessly, unendingly. There is only this I AMness in all directions. Everything arises spontaneously in the space of this great perfection that is the Self, which is reading this page right now.

And you, Sophia, are that Self. You have always known that you are this Self. There was never a time that you did not know that you are you. You can never remember a time when you were not you. The only thing you can ever remember is something that this Self did. There is only this Self. You cannot reach out for it because it is that which is doing the reaching. You cannot see it because it is doing the seeing right now, which means, everything simply arises in its awareness: the entire world arises in your awareness right now. You are that space in which it is all spontaneously and effortlessly arising. You are that One. You have always been that One. There is only that One. Do not pretend you are finding that One. Do not pretend you have forgotten that One. The only thing you have ever known, the only thing you can ever remember, the only thing you are actually feeling right now is that One: the is-ness, now-ness, suchness of everything, just as it is, and as it is arising within your Self—the simple feeling of Being, which is all you ever feel always.

Look at the clouds: they are arising in your awareness: they are arising in you. The clouds are outside of Sophia but inside of your Self. Look at your body and this room. Your body is in this room, but both the body and the room arise IN your awareness. You are literally holding them in your consciousness lovingly. The mountains are arising in your awareness: they are arising in you, and you are lovingly holding the mountains within your consciousness, holding the arising world within your embrace as the dearly radiant beloved. The mountains are arising outside of Sophia but inside of your Self. The clouds, the mountains, and Sophia are all simultaneously and effortlessly arising in this Self, the reader of this page. All that is arising is arising in this unshakeable I AMness, which is not a thing or an object or a person, but the openness or clearing in which all things and all objects and all persons are arising. This emptiness, this openness, this vast spaciousness is your Self, is what you have always been, is what you are before your parents were born, is what you are before the Big Bang happened. Before Abraham was, I AM. There is no before and no after for this now-ness that is the Self. There is only this now-ness of the Self that is reading this page in this very moment. There is no past and no future in this never-ending now. All befores and all afters arise in this awareness. There is only this ever-present, never-starting, never-ending, unborn, undying, radiant beauty that is aware of this page, that is aware of this universe, and that finds all of them IN the space that it is, and therefore all things arise in the unshakeable Peace that holds them all easily in its caring within. Sophia is in the universe; the universe is in your Self.

Therefore, be this ever-present Self who is reading this page. I am not talking to Sophia, I am talking to you. Let Sophia arise and fall like all objects. Let Sophia come into being, remain a bit, and pass: what has this to do with your Self? All objects arise, remain, and pass in the spaciousness and emptiness that is aware of this moment, and this moment, and this moment, and this moment. Yet this moment has no end, you have never actually felt the present come to an end because it never does: it is the only thing that is real: this now-ness, this simple feeling of being, the very same feeling-awareness in which this page floats, and in which Sophia floats, and in which the clouds float. When you feel this present now-ness, there is nothing outside of it—you cannot see on the outside of this timeless now because there is nothing outside of it. Now and now and now is all you ever know, and this now-ness is simply another name for the spacious Self in which the entire kosmos arises as a radiant, joyful, ecstatic swoon of bliss and a desire to share this infinite Joy with somebody else.

Because this page and the mountains and the clouds all arise in your awareness, there is nothing outside your Self. That there is literally nothing outside your Self means there is literally nothing that can threaten it. Since you know this Self, you know Peace. Because you are already, directly, immediately, and intimately one and identical with That which is reading this page right now, you know God right now, directly and immediately and unmistakably and undeniably. And because you know God right now, as the very Self reading this page, you know you are finally, truly, deeply home, a home that you have always directly known and always pretended you didn't.

Therefore, pretend no more. Confess that you are God. Confess that you are Beauty. Confess that you are the very Truth the sages have sought for centuries. Confess that you are Peace beyond understanding. Confess that you are so ecstatically happy that you had to manifest this entire world just to bear witness to a radiant beauty you could no longer contain only in and for yourself. Confess that the Witness of this page, the Self of this and all the worlds, is the one and only true Spirit that looks through all eyes and hears with all ears and reaches out in love and compassion to embrace the very beings that it created itself in an eternal ecstatic dance that is the secret of all secrets. And confess that you are Alone, that you are literally the only One in the entire universe: there are no others to this One. There are indeed others to Sophia, but both Sophia and the others arise in the awareness that is reading this page, and this awareness, this Self, has no other because all others arise in it. One without a second is what is reading this page.

Therefore, be that One. And also give my love to Sophia.

Ken

p.s. Do you realize, deeply, deeply, deeply, that the one who is reading this page is the one who wrote it, yes? Sophia, and Ken, and this page, all arise in the Witness of this page, yes? The Self is not hard to find, but impossible to escape. So drop all this fuss about finding and losing, and simply be the One in whom all worlds are now arising. So go outside and look at the beautiful world arising within your very own feeling-awareness, arising within your very own Being, and then, you know, go have a beer or something....