OK, promise you won't think I'm a nerd or anything but I'm excited to see that CBS is airing the complete first three seasons of "Star Trek: The Original Series" on their website.
Yes, I went looking for it. I used to love all the various Star Trek series on t.v. when I was a kid and also in high school. I typed in "star trek episodes online" into Google, and that is what I found. My original intent was to find episodes of "The Next Generation", but I'm happy with what I found. I'd also love to see "Voyager" and "Deep Space Nine", again.
http://www.cbs.com/classics/star_trek/video/video.php
Don't ask me how I went from obsessively looking for spiritual teachers to watching t.v. on the Internet. I think my search for a spiritual teacher is over. I never found one, but I don't think I have the attention span to devote myself to a path right now. I'm living in the mundane world and loving it again, in the peacefulness of my little home with my little family (husband, two dogs and four cats). If I never had to leave the house again I'd be very happy. I'm watching movies on the t.v., t.v. shows on the Internet, reading and entering sweepstakes. Nothing that takes too much brain power, surprisingly. I think my brain is taking a break from living inside itself for so long. I believe many would be pleased to hear that I'm starting to get out of my own head. I'm not lost in thought as much as I was.
Leaving work was probably the best thing for me because I'm much more relaxed. I'm going to be poor as heck, but I'd rather survive comfortably than live uncomfortably. In fact, I'm going to be poorer than I was when I was in college, when I was trying to pay for school and afford food at the same time. We didn't even have cable or satellite t.v. back then, and lived in a trailer! No, I'm not embarrassed about having lived in a trailer before. No, I'm not "trailer trash". It was a cute little trailer out in the country on the peaceful part of the river. Living out there like we did, we ended up fostering many stray dogs and puppies that were dumped.
Anyway, I just hope my husband can retire soon. We're waiting to see how our finances are going to pan out. I like having him home with me. Today I sadistically made him play Scrabble with me. I made him promise earlier this weekend that he'd play, and he couldn't get out of it. I won, but don't tell him I told you. He told me not to brag about it on my blog. ;) It's really difficult to get him to play board games with me. It's probably the first time in three years that we've played.
That's all for now. This is probably the most boring post I've ever put on my blog. I owe some emails to a couple of my friends. If you're reading this, you know who you are. I'll get caught-up on that tomorrow as well as respond to the comments that were left the past couple of days.
I love you all! (And I don't care if that sounds mushy or sappy.)
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Uncertainty and Insecurity
I've thought a little bit about the meaning of my most recent dream. Driving on the wrong side of the road and lying about winning the lottery really says a lot about my fears and financial insecurity.
I used to live a comfortable life. I wasn't rich, but I never had to worry about not having enough money to pay the bills. Things are different now and I can't stop worrying about what is coming in the near future. It's really going to be bad. We won't even be able to afford to go out to eat anymore. We have been eating at home a lot the past few months, but to know there won't be any money in the budget for a dinner outing is disturbing me. We're going to be pulling it real close. We created a spreadsheet tonight that shows all of our monthly expenses and income, and I couldn't help but notice that there'd barely be enough left over for groceries.
Not only am I worried, but I'm angry at myself for letting depression interfere with my life to this degree, to the degree that I can't even go to a job every day. Each time I come out of an episode, I tell myself that it will be the last and that everything is going to be all right. But every time, around the corner, I end up in another episode. Not only is it hurting me, but it hurts my husband, who was wanting to retire this year. He used to be a happy go lucky guy, but I've noticed the past year or so that he sometimes gets depressed, and I know that it is my mental illness that brings him down. I've asked him about why he seems down sometimes, and he admitted that he doesn't like to see me depressed.
I miss the days when we went to museums and zoos, and I'd play happily at my piano. I have photographs of those days, and I always had a smile on my face. Once, in college, a college-paper journalist wrote an article about me and my smile. If he saw me today, I don't know that he'd recognize me.
I really need to get back into entering sweepstakes. I know the odds of running into a windfall are against me, but if the Law of Attraction is true....
I used to live a comfortable life. I wasn't rich, but I never had to worry about not having enough money to pay the bills. Things are different now and I can't stop worrying about what is coming in the near future. It's really going to be bad. We won't even be able to afford to go out to eat anymore. We have been eating at home a lot the past few months, but to know there won't be any money in the budget for a dinner outing is disturbing me. We're going to be pulling it real close. We created a spreadsheet tonight that shows all of our monthly expenses and income, and I couldn't help but notice that there'd barely be enough left over for groceries.
Not only am I worried, but I'm angry at myself for letting depression interfere with my life to this degree, to the degree that I can't even go to a job every day. Each time I come out of an episode, I tell myself that it will be the last and that everything is going to be all right. But every time, around the corner, I end up in another episode. Not only is it hurting me, but it hurts my husband, who was wanting to retire this year. He used to be a happy go lucky guy, but I've noticed the past year or so that he sometimes gets depressed, and I know that it is my mental illness that brings him down. I've asked him about why he seems down sometimes, and he admitted that he doesn't like to see me depressed.
I miss the days when we went to museums and zoos, and I'd play happily at my piano. I have photographs of those days, and I always had a smile on my face. Once, in college, a college-paper journalist wrote an article about me and my smile. If he saw me today, I don't know that he'd recognize me.
I really need to get back into entering sweepstakes. I know the odds of running into a windfall are against me, but if the Law of Attraction is true....
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Dream Date April 10, 2008
Pollyanna's leg was hurt. I went to examine it and she held it up for me to look at it. My husband said he was going to take her to the vet because of the strange look she kept getting on her face. He said she was "jowling". (In the dream, this word meant closing one's eyes partially and sticking out one's jaw.)
In either the same dream or a different dream, I'm driving down a highway. I end-up on the wrong side of the road, heading into direct traffic, but no matter how hard I turn the steering wheel towards the right, the car won't head in the correct direction.
Eventually I am able to get the car to start slowly heading towards the right side of the road. I turn right into my old neighborhood. I pull over and get out of the car. I get on my knees and put my head in my hands. A boy that I used to go to high school with shows up in front of me. (This boy / young man is not someone I knew in real life.) He's a boy that wasn't one of my friends. He used to pick on me. But I want him to regret not being my friend, so I make up a lie. "I'm set for life, now. I won the lottery."
If I remember correctly, in the car with me was a painting. It was a real painting but it came out of a book of paintings. It was blue, with translucent Greek letters all over it. There was also a whale's tail and clouds with a sun and rays. The name of the painting was "A Summer's Day in xxxxx". I don't remember the last word.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Turn of the Screw - Possible Spoilers!
Last night I finished reading _The Turn of the Screw_, by Henry James.
The language in the book was overly ornate, but I eagerly anticipated reading a little bit of it each night. So, it was suspenseful!
The tale is related to us by a man at a small dinner party somewhere in England. Everyone at the party thought it would be interesting to hear a true tale about two children haunted by spectres. The narrator of the story goes on to tell everyone about the governess that goes to stay with the children. She begins to see ghosts, and believes that the children can see them, too, but accuses the children of hiding their sightings from her. The governess confides in a maid named Mrs. Grose.
The question that the reader asks himself/herself throughout the story, is, "Is this governess really seeing ghosts or is she insane?"
The young boy, Miles, had earlier been expelled from school, but no one knew why and the boy never mentioned a word about what happened, so the governess and the maid often discussed how the boy could have been kicked out of school. In the end, the boy said he was expelled because he "said things". Upon further questioning, the boy said that he "said things" to "those he liked". I don't know if it's just me or not, but I wondered to myself if this alluded to his being a homosexual boy? Also, sometimes I felt uncomfortable with how close the governess tried to get to the boy. I don't think James intended for the boy to be homosexual or for the governess to be a pedophile, but the language of the time made the relationship seem flowery.
Aside from the ambiguity of these instances, I really enjoyed the novella.
I am now reading Henry James's _Daisy Miller_. The language is easier to comprehend and therefore the story is less of a struggle to read than _The Turn of the Screw_.
If you've read TTOTS, please let me know about your thoughts! Was the governess mad? Was the boy homosexual? Was the relationship between the governess and the boy Oedipal? Or are these modern times clouding my perspective of this novel which was written in 1898?
The book is available for free HERE.
The language in the book was overly ornate, but I eagerly anticipated reading a little bit of it each night. So, it was suspenseful!
The tale is related to us by a man at a small dinner party somewhere in England. Everyone at the party thought it would be interesting to hear a true tale about two children haunted by spectres. The narrator of the story goes on to tell everyone about the governess that goes to stay with the children. She begins to see ghosts, and believes that the children can see them, too, but accuses the children of hiding their sightings from her. The governess confides in a maid named Mrs. Grose.
The question that the reader asks himself/herself throughout the story, is, "Is this governess really seeing ghosts or is she insane?"
The young boy, Miles, had earlier been expelled from school, but no one knew why and the boy never mentioned a word about what happened, so the governess and the maid often discussed how the boy could have been kicked out of school. In the end, the boy said he was expelled because he "said things". Upon further questioning, the boy said that he "said things" to "those he liked". I don't know if it's just me or not, but I wondered to myself if this alluded to his being a homosexual boy? Also, sometimes I felt uncomfortable with how close the governess tried to get to the boy. I don't think James intended for the boy to be homosexual or for the governess to be a pedophile, but the language of the time made the relationship seem flowery.
Aside from the ambiguity of these instances, I really enjoyed the novella.
I am now reading Henry James's _Daisy Miller_. The language is easier to comprehend and therefore the story is less of a struggle to read than _The Turn of the Screw_.
If you've read TTOTS, please let me know about your thoughts! Was the governess mad? Was the boy homosexual? Was the relationship between the governess and the boy Oedipal? Or are these modern times clouding my perspective of this novel which was written in 1898?
The book is available for free HERE.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Dream Date April 7, 2008
I was looking out the window in the storm door. In the sky I saw a white blimp slowly making its way across the sky, with big pillowy white clouds. I went outside so I could see it better. Then, I was next to a tree. I was there to smell the flowers that were growing on it. The flowers were almost like roses, and they were white and yellow. They smelled sweet. The lady from across the street called out to me, "Oh! I'm so glad you're outside!" She walked over to me and placed four containers of her homemade cookies in my arms.
(The house, tree and lady are unfamiliar to me.)
(The house, tree and lady are unfamiliar to me.)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Dream Date April 5, 2008
Vincent, my blogging buddy who lives across the Atlantic, moved to the United States. He moved into the house behind where I lived in the dream. Only, he had no idea that it was me he was moving behind and I didn't know he was planning on it either. I found out about it while I happened to be "spying" by looking through binoculars into the windows at night. I saw him standing on a ladder while he was painting the ceiling. I was surprised to see it was him. I thought I'd play an innocent little joke on him, like make him think I was psychic or something, by calling him on the phone and asking him how he liked painting his ceiling. He'd be surprised that I knew what he was doing, since he didn't know he was living right behind me.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Temporarily Incommunicado
Unwittingly I've mostly been away from blogging, comments and emails as I've found myself lost in the mundane world. Besides sleeping a lot I've been reading and succumbing to fascinating movies and television shows via my ability to watch movies and shows online with our Netflix subscription.
Yesterday evening I ventured out of the house and went to my mother's and my favorite restaurant, which is about a 45 minute drive from my house. Then we went shopping at Walgreens to get all of our free stuff from the Rebate Club. If you guys don't know about the Rebate Club, you're missing out on all kinds of free stuff like toothpaste, shampoo and many other necessary standard household items. It's a wonderful way to save money. Saving money is something I've been obsessing on the past few months. I've clipped and used so many coupons! My husband couldn't be bothered with such things, so maybe it's a woman thing. All I know is money is something not to be wasted.
(Go into Walgreens every month, grab their monthly rebate catalog and get your free stuff! You get all your money back plus 10% if you have the money applied to your Walgreens gift card.)
Do I sound like a saleman? I'm just excited about getting things for free and saving money. Maybe you'll benefit from my mentioning it.
This evening my husband and I are taking our two dogs to the pet wash. They are currently... well... slightly odiferous.
I'll respond to comments tonight!
Yesterday evening I ventured out of the house and went to my mother's and my favorite restaurant, which is about a 45 minute drive from my house. Then we went shopping at Walgreens to get all of our free stuff from the Rebate Club. If you guys don't know about the Rebate Club, you're missing out on all kinds of free stuff like toothpaste, shampoo and many other necessary standard household items. It's a wonderful way to save money. Saving money is something I've been obsessing on the past few months. I've clipped and used so many coupons! My husband couldn't be bothered with such things, so maybe it's a woman thing. All I know is money is something not to be wasted.
(Go into Walgreens every month, grab their monthly rebate catalog and get your free stuff! You get all your money back plus 10% if you have the money applied to your Walgreens gift card.)
Do I sound like a saleman? I'm just excited about getting things for free and saving money. Maybe you'll benefit from my mentioning it.
This evening my husband and I are taking our two dogs to the pet wash. They are currently... well... slightly odiferous.
I'll respond to comments tonight!
Bamboo Shade?
Does anyone know what happened to Kathy at the Bamboo Shade blog? Her blog has been down for weeks. Even her profile is gone. I hate to see her disappear, as she was one of the firsts of our little circle of spiritual bloggers. I hope she's OK.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Dream Date March 28, 2008
I read somewhere on the Internet today that posting one's dreams on their blog is like a death wish for that blog. It said, basically, that it would be a surefire way to keep readers from coming back. I don't know if that's true, and the thought of losing readers - who I think of as friends - bothers me. I think the idea pushes my rejection button. I don't like to be rejected. However, this blog is my diary, regardless of whether or not it is public, and I want to record my dreams because they are part of my life. One of the things I enjoy doing on rare occasions is rereading my old dreams and seeing if I can conjure the images in my mind again almost exactly as I had when I dreamed them.
Before I go on to the dream, I'd like to say that I'd be interested in reading about a dream that you've recently had, if you wouldn't mind sharing. I have no skill at interpreting dreams - I can't even interpret my own - but reading them entertains me as well as offers insight into the mind(s) of my reader(s).
The dream:
I'm at work, only we're now working in a small room and we have our own bathroom. I am sitting next to my coworker J. She keeps ending up with my pencil, and I keep taking it back from her. I guess she is a kleptomaniac. I get up to use the restroom. I walk into the little bathroom, and before I close the door, I say, "I'm so glad we have our own bathroom now." After using the restroom, I wash my hands. The sink must be clogged because it is filling up, but I still need to wash my face. I look down into the full sink and say to myself that it would be gross to use the dirty water to wash my face with. The water spills out onto the floor, and the puddle starts to make its way to the door. If it were to go under the door and out into the hall where everyone could see it, I'd be devastatingly embarrassed! So I put on a latex glove and grab some dirty washcloths that are hanging on a rack on the wall. Of course I don't want to touch them because they are not clean, but the glove serves as protection. I wipe up the floor, letting the washcloths soak up the water.
Before I go on to the dream, I'd like to say that I'd be interested in reading about a dream that you've recently had, if you wouldn't mind sharing. I have no skill at interpreting dreams - I can't even interpret my own - but reading them entertains me as well as offers insight into the mind(s) of my reader(s).
The dream:
I'm at work, only we're now working in a small room and we have our own bathroom. I am sitting next to my coworker J. She keeps ending up with my pencil, and I keep taking it back from her. I guess she is a kleptomaniac. I get up to use the restroom. I walk into the little bathroom, and before I close the door, I say, "I'm so glad we have our own bathroom now." After using the restroom, I wash my hands. The sink must be clogged because it is filling up, but I still need to wash my face. I look down into the full sink and say to myself that it would be gross to use the dirty water to wash my face with. The water spills out onto the floor, and the puddle starts to make its way to the door. If it were to go under the door and out into the hall where everyone could see it, I'd be devastatingly embarrassed! So I put on a latex glove and grab some dirty washcloths that are hanging on a rack on the wall. Of course I don't want to touch them because they are not clean, but the glove serves as protection. I wipe up the floor, letting the washcloths soak up the water.
My First Experience with a Therapist
I was 16 years old. I was in the habit of listening to this radio show that came on at night. On the show, a well-known local psychologist - let's call him S.F. - would take phone calls from callers seeking his advice.
One night, I worked-up enough nerve to call him myself. I had been struggling with an issue for a while and I wanted his opinion. The issue was that I had been attracted to older men for a long time, and I didn't know how to deal with it. It was a problem for me because I was afraid of telling my parents. Even though I tried dating guys my own age, I found that I was only interested in men many many years older than myself. I really did try dating younger men, but every time I would go on a date with them, I'd find myself disgusted by them, or annoyed. The entire date, I'd have to feign interest, and when they'd drive me back home, they'd sit in the car in the driveway and try to steal a kiss from me, in their own clever ways. I always knew when it was coming, that kiss. They'd stare me in the eyes and start to slowly lean closer. I could feel the disgust building up inside of me. Sometimes I'd escape the kiss by pretending to notice something outside my passenger's side window, and then I'd pretend that I had to hurry inside. Other times I wasn't so lucky, and when they'd kiss me, I'd feel my stomach turn. I could only dream about being kissed by an older, more experienced and more mature man.
This greatly bothered me, that I couldn't find within me an attraction to guys my own age. Really what caused me the most anxiety was knowing that it might upset my parents. So, I snuck around with older men. When I was 16, the oldest man I had a relationship with was 58. There were others. One was a professor at the college I ended up going to. Another was a retired police chief.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to this popular psychologist so that he could help me with my "problem". I was on the radio that night. I can't remember everything he said, but he recommended that I come see him in his office, and that my first visit would be free. So I did exactly that. That week I went to the city and went in for my session. He asked me to give him more details, so I spent about 30 minutes describing my dilemma. His response was to invite me to go on a dinner date with him. He was in his 50s, maybe early 60s, but I was not attracted to him in the least. In fact, he made me feel as if he was sleazy, and I wanted to get out of his office but I didn't know how to tell him. I was very uncomfortable. I went along with it for a while and told him that I'd call him to let him know when I could go with him. Then I got up to leave. He told me to wait a minute, and he disappeared for a few minutes. He came back into the office and handed me a rose. I took it, thanked him and then left. Of course I never called him back, and I never went back for another appointment.
This may have been what caused me problems with my first real therapist a couple years ago, a male who my psychiatrist had set me up with. I don't know if it was a conscious thing on my part, but I kept skipping some of my appointments with him. I would just not show up, and I didn't call him to tell him, either. He never complained about it, but I'm sure it annoyed him; I probably took advantage of his patience. Also, I just quit going to see him without giving him a warning. A few months later, I told my psychiatrist that I'd feel better with a female, although I did tell her that the male psychologist was not at fault. And so, I've been with the same female therapist for a year and four months now, and I haven't skipped any appointments without telling her first.
I was reminded of this bit of my own history as I was watching "In Treatment", tonight. By the way, I've watched all 15 free episodes from Amazon and have already felt withdrawal. They're on episode 41 now, I think. I have no idea when or how I'll get to see the rest of the episodes. I'm hopelessly addicted.
One night, I worked-up enough nerve to call him myself. I had been struggling with an issue for a while and I wanted his opinion. The issue was that I had been attracted to older men for a long time, and I didn't know how to deal with it. It was a problem for me because I was afraid of telling my parents. Even though I tried dating guys my own age, I found that I was only interested in men many many years older than myself. I really did try dating younger men, but every time I would go on a date with them, I'd find myself disgusted by them, or annoyed. The entire date, I'd have to feign interest, and when they'd drive me back home, they'd sit in the car in the driveway and try to steal a kiss from me, in their own clever ways. I always knew when it was coming, that kiss. They'd stare me in the eyes and start to slowly lean closer. I could feel the disgust building up inside of me. Sometimes I'd escape the kiss by pretending to notice something outside my passenger's side window, and then I'd pretend that I had to hurry inside. Other times I wasn't so lucky, and when they'd kiss me, I'd feel my stomach turn. I could only dream about being kissed by an older, more experienced and more mature man.
This greatly bothered me, that I couldn't find within me an attraction to guys my own age. Really what caused me the most anxiety was knowing that it might upset my parents. So, I snuck around with older men. When I was 16, the oldest man I had a relationship with was 58. There were others. One was a professor at the college I ended up going to. Another was a retired police chief.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to this popular psychologist so that he could help me with my "problem". I was on the radio that night. I can't remember everything he said, but he recommended that I come see him in his office, and that my first visit would be free. So I did exactly that. That week I went to the city and went in for my session. He asked me to give him more details, so I spent about 30 minutes describing my dilemma. His response was to invite me to go on a dinner date with him. He was in his 50s, maybe early 60s, but I was not attracted to him in the least. In fact, he made me feel as if he was sleazy, and I wanted to get out of his office but I didn't know how to tell him. I was very uncomfortable. I went along with it for a while and told him that I'd call him to let him know when I could go with him. Then I got up to leave. He told me to wait a minute, and he disappeared for a few minutes. He came back into the office and handed me a rose. I took it, thanked him and then left. Of course I never called him back, and I never went back for another appointment.
This may have been what caused me problems with my first real therapist a couple years ago, a male who my psychiatrist had set me up with. I don't know if it was a conscious thing on my part, but I kept skipping some of my appointments with him. I would just not show up, and I didn't call him to tell him, either. He never complained about it, but I'm sure it annoyed him; I probably took advantage of his patience. Also, I just quit going to see him without giving him a warning. A few months later, I told my psychiatrist that I'd feel better with a female, although I did tell her that the male psychologist was not at fault. And so, I've been with the same female therapist for a year and four months now, and I haven't skipped any appointments without telling her first.
I was reminded of this bit of my own history as I was watching "In Treatment", tonight. By the way, I've watched all 15 free episodes from Amazon and have already felt withdrawal. They're on episode 41 now, I think. I have no idea when or how I'll get to see the rest of the episodes. I'm hopelessly addicted.
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