Eyes closed.
Find something to focus on, gotta get mind to shut up.
My breathing? Or the sounds around me....
Just be still.
At first, nothing.
Then...
Lighter, darker, lighter, darker, alternating, like a pulse.
Look up, eyes still closed, to the center of the forehead.
Pressure.
A photograph of a couple, man and woman, in their 30s.
A simple symbol, looks like a peace sign without the circle. An airplane?
Bananas.
Birthday candles.
Spirals.
Agents.
Now it looks like an airplane heading straight towards me.
Friday, January 16, 2009
In Response to Anonymous
I really am sorry for any self-absorption on my part, and any showiness of myself.
I don't know what my excuse is.
The real world scares me and I want to make it seem like a nice world. To know that people are dying, fighting, starving, sick, hating, killing, stealing, children losing their lives, people losing their homes, moms who worry if there will be enough food on the table for their children, dads losing their pride when they lose their jobs and feel like they can't support their families, people who can't afford to get good medical help, people fighting over land or even fighting over God....
I cry for this world. I think by focusing on my small problems the real big problems of the world somehow don't seem to exist.
Sometimes I wish I could save the world, and I close my eyes and imagine the entire planet earth becomes surrounded by light and loving energy, kind of like a protective shield. What can I do besides love and pray? I feel so small. I am small. I think all I can do is stick together with others who love each other, because there is strength in number. That is why I'm afraid to be alone.
I don't know what my excuse is.
The real world scares me and I want to make it seem like a nice world. To know that people are dying, fighting, starving, sick, hating, killing, stealing, children losing their lives, people losing their homes, moms who worry if there will be enough food on the table for their children, dads losing their pride when they lose their jobs and feel like they can't support their families, people who can't afford to get good medical help, people fighting over land or even fighting over God....
I cry for this world. I think by focusing on my small problems the real big problems of the world somehow don't seem to exist.
Sometimes I wish I could save the world, and I close my eyes and imagine the entire planet earth becomes surrounded by light and loving energy, kind of like a protective shield. What can I do besides love and pray? I feel so small. I am small. I think all I can do is stick together with others who love each other, because there is strength in number. That is why I'm afraid to be alone.
Dream Date January 16, 2009
I went to bed at about 5:00am. Before falling asleep I prayed and asked for a dream to learn from.
In my dream, I had with me two books. One was a dark blue book called "American Slaves". The second book was a color similar to teal, and on it was a simple illustration of a man tied at the wrists laying on the ground. The caption of the illustration said, "A man being harangued." I got on top of the hood of a vehicle and laid on my stomach to read the books. My cat Pancho was there with me, and was rubbing against me as I was trying to read.
There could be some other meaning to this dream, but I think it is more information related to a previous life of mine in which I was a slave in Alabama, in 1832, named Beatrice. I don't have any memories of that life, but that information came to me on the Ouija board, and I think it's our subconscious that causes the planchette to move.
In my dream, I had with me two books. One was a dark blue book called "American Slaves". The second book was a color similar to teal, and on it was a simple illustration of a man tied at the wrists laying on the ground. The caption of the illustration said, "A man being harangued." I got on top of the hood of a vehicle and laid on my stomach to read the books. My cat Pancho was there with me, and was rubbing against me as I was trying to read.
There could be some other meaning to this dream, but I think it is more information related to a previous life of mine in which I was a slave in Alabama, in 1832, named Beatrice. I don't have any memories of that life, but that information came to me on the Ouija board, and I think it's our subconscious that causes the planchette to move.
Dream Date January 15, 2009
A large slice of one of my molars had cracked off. It looked like a cross-section of a tooth, but it was larger than a tooth would be in real life. It looked smooth and polished. I was going to take the piece to a dentist to see if he could somehow reattach it to my tooth.
Visions from December 4, 2008
I had these visions on December 4, 2008, but I only told one close friend about them. I wasn't really planning on putting them on my blog but now it doesn't seem to bother me so much to do so.
This is word-for-word what I sent him:
I had some interesting visions while falling asleep tonight. The first was a big triangle and it stayed in my sight for a long time, becoming more and more prominent with time, and then I saw a naked women nailed to a cross kind of like Jesus. Then I saw a man wearing a blue jacket/coat standing outside, nothing special about him it was just kind of like seeing a stranger. Sometime later I started to see this little bluish light fluttering around behind my eyelids.
This is word-for-word what I sent him:
I had some interesting visions while falling asleep tonight. The first was a big triangle and it stayed in my sight for a long time, becoming more and more prominent with time, and then I saw a naked women nailed to a cross kind of like Jesus. Then I saw a man wearing a blue jacket/coat standing outside, nothing special about him it was just kind of like seeing a stranger. Sometime later I started to see this little bluish light fluttering around behind my eyelids.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Easy Does It....
The synchronicities that are happening to me are unbelievable. I have no one to talk to about these things without fear of being judged.
I'm sorry that I'm not responding to comments. I am reading them, each one very carefully.
Let's stick together no matter what.
I'm sorry that I'm not responding to comments. I am reading them, each one very carefully.
Let's stick together no matter what.
Unpredictability
I'm just trying to find my balance again, so I'm sorry for any weird behavior from me. Today, for instance, in order to pull myself out of the fatigue of depression, I kinda OD'ed on caffeine. That can do all kinds of things even to the most sane and stable person.
I also felt extremely overwhelmed because a good friend of mine was starting to get upset with me for not spending all my free time with them. Thus the whole reason for the "No one owns me" comment. I don't want anyone to have expectations of me. I hope someday I can become strong enough to give everyone what they want or need, or to at least have the ability to make people happy.
If you've been reading my blog for some time you know by now I'm not the most sane person in the world, but I think I'm unpredictable and maybe that's a good thing?
I'm still looking for the door with the sign that says, "Home Sweet Home".
I also felt extremely overwhelmed because a good friend of mine was starting to get upset with me for not spending all my free time with them. Thus the whole reason for the "No one owns me" comment. I don't want anyone to have expectations of me. I hope someday I can become strong enough to give everyone what they want or need, or to at least have the ability to make people happy.
If you've been reading my blog for some time you know by now I'm not the most sane person in the world, but I think I'm unpredictable and maybe that's a good thing?
I'm still looking for the door with the sign that says, "Home Sweet Home".
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Music Compositions
These are some music files I created. They are midi so they won't take much time to download. They were played on my cheap midi keyboard and recorded on the computer using Cakewalk software. There is no editing done on these files - as I never took the time to learn Cakewalk besides the basics - so the quality isn't that great and there are lots of mistakes, in fact, one or two of them don't even have an ending. There are no cool back-up effects; this is just raw electronic keyboard sound, i.e. "plain".
I never finished it, but I was once composing a small minuet. You can hear how unfinished it is by the abrupt ending.
Unnamed Minuet - Sophia W.
In this second file I was improvising (i.e. playing around or exploring):
Improvisation #1 - "Nature" - Sophia W.
This last file is another improvisation. The beginning is kinda rough as I was just looking for the right feeling.
Improvisation #2 - Unnamed - Sophia W.
I never finished it, but I was once composing a small minuet. You can hear how unfinished it is by the abrupt ending.
Unnamed Minuet - Sophia W.
In this second file I was improvising (i.e. playing around or exploring):
Improvisation #1 - "Nature" - Sophia W.
This last file is another improvisation. The beginning is kinda rough as I was just looking for the right feeling.
Improvisation #2 - Unnamed - Sophia W.
Dream Date January 14, 2009
Again, before falling asleep last night, I prayed to the Masters, the Universe, Guides or Angels to allow me to have dreams that I could learn from.
In the dream, I had a few pieces of real silver forks and knives. I laid them on the grass but someone stepped on them, breaking some of them. When I looked down to see some of them broken, I was disappointed at first, but then I knelt down to pick them up and said, "Oh, well."
-----------
I'm a bit sensitive to destructive criticism, and when criticized I spend much time focusing on it and feeling hurt. I should say here that constructive criticism doesn't seem to bother me as much and can actually be quite useful to me. But straight destructive criticism absolutely gets to me.
In my dream, the person stepping on my silverware is the destructive critic, breaking me. But, while I was initially hurt, I managed to bend down, pick them up, and flippantly say, "Oh, well." Which I think means I am able to pick up the pieces and move on.
This dream very strongly reminds me of the Stevie Nicks song called "Gold Dust Woman" because of one of the only lines in the song that I know - the line about picking up your pieces and going home. Googling the lyrics, I see the song also mentions a silver spoon.
Rock on--gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon,
And dig your grave
Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray
Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise--loves--to go down
Lousy lovers--pick their prey
But they never cry out loud
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.
Rock on--ancient queen
Follow those who pale
In your shadow
Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.
In the dream, I had a few pieces of real silver forks and knives. I laid them on the grass but someone stepped on them, breaking some of them. When I looked down to see some of them broken, I was disappointed at first, but then I knelt down to pick them up and said, "Oh, well."
-----------
I'm a bit sensitive to destructive criticism, and when criticized I spend much time focusing on it and feeling hurt. I should say here that constructive criticism doesn't seem to bother me as much and can actually be quite useful to me. But straight destructive criticism absolutely gets to me.
In my dream, the person stepping on my silverware is the destructive critic, breaking me. But, while I was initially hurt, I managed to bend down, pick them up, and flippantly say, "Oh, well." Which I think means I am able to pick up the pieces and move on.
This dream very strongly reminds me of the Stevie Nicks song called "Gold Dust Woman" because of one of the only lines in the song that I know - the line about picking up your pieces and going home. Googling the lyrics, I see the song also mentions a silver spoon.
Rock on--gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon,
And dig your grave
Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray
Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise--loves--to go down
Lousy lovers--pick their prey
But they never cry out loud
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.
Rock on--ancient queen
Follow those who pale
In your shadow
Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.
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