Bring on the New Year!

Hi Folks,

In 30 minutes, it will be 2006 for me! (It may have already happened for you, depending on where you live.) I don't know what my New Year's resolutions are yet. I don't know... work out more maybe... finish things I've started (which includes several books I have started but not finished), DIET!!!, do laundry more often instead of letting it pile-up, be more organized... I think there are lots of things about myself that I can change. I know I really need to stay in better touch with my friends. Friends are really important to me. I really could have done more for this blog. I've let it go the past month. We've had such a nice group of friendship here, and I've let it slide. My New Year's resolution (or at least one of them), is to start a forum on this blog so that anyone can talk whenever they want to about almost anything! (Excuse the excess of cheer.... I've had more than my fair share of raspberry Belgian beer. :)

This will be short for now, but I didn't want to let the new year come without my message going out to you all. May you all have a wonderful new year!

I love you guys!

What is Enlightenment?

I've had a couple people ask me in a previous post what I thought enlightenment is. Instead of responding under the comments, I'll post this here so everyone can see.

I don't know of a direct response to that question, and no, I'm not even going to look the word up in the dictionary, because I feel that enlightenment is very personal and can't be defined by a dictionary.

I think enlightenment is that which fills the void. It is waking up and touching universal consciousness. It is finally not only realizing, but feeling that I am One with everything. I think that no matter how many friends or relatives I have, there is a loneliness that lies deep within, and only enlightenment can take away that loneliness. The loneliness is there as a calling. Its purpose is to lead me toward enlightenment, and the work that must be done to achieve it. I believe that until that longing is gone, I am unenlightened.

I once believed that enlightenment meant getting answers. I thought that with enlightenment came answers to questions such as "Who am I?", "What is my purpose in this life?", "What will happen to my soul when I die?", and so on. Basicially just receiving answers to the most enigmatic questions of all time.

I also believed that once I became enlightened I'd have special powers. I'd be able to have increased abilities, especially in intuition. I'd become suddenly more knowledgeable, more intelligent, more wise. I would be able to talk and walk with spirit guides in another plane. I'd have visions.

But I now believe - even though I haven't attained it yet - that enlightenment is actually a very simple thing. There are no special powers that come with enlightenment. There are no answers. There is just being One and finally being able to be at rest with that.

So, that is what I think enlightenment is. Now, we all have our own definitions of what enlightenment is, and my perception of enlightenment may be all wrong. But whatever it is, I hope someday I can become enlightened.

Now, I'd like to ask all of you something. What do you think enlightenment is?

The Easy Way

I wish there were a Cliff's Notes on Enlightenment.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just wanted to wish all my friends a Happy Thanksgiving! I Love you all! :)

Now I've Seen Everything!

It's a stuffed Buddha!!! Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on my Christmas list. I saw this this morning and it just made me smile. Enjoy the image as much as I have. :)

A Little Nondual Chatter

If there is only One, then perhaps I (The Self, The One) felt lonely and had to create many illusions to not feel so alone.

Regarding Kabbalah and Healing

Eliyahu ben Avraham vaSarah brought-up an interesting piece of dialogue in the comment section of my last post. I thought I'd place it here where everyone can view it and give your opinion on where you think healing should begin. Topics can range from healing the body, mind, spirit, individual or world.

Where does healing begin? (Dialogue start-up is below.)
--------------------------

Eliyahu ben Avraham vaSarah said...
The first question that pops to mind is where did the quote come from? There is no single work known as "The Kabbalah." Kabbalah is a mystic tradition that includes numerous texts and teachings. Not saying anything about the quality of the quoted material, but the citation set my alarms off. And with the recent facination with Pop-Kabbalah (which is mostly garbage) I'm always a bit on guard about such things. I do agree with the sentiment expressed in the piece you quote. Although I would argue that healing the world will help heal all of us.

Stacey said...
Eliyahu ben Avraham vaSarah, Thanks for your concern. Perhaps I was a little negligent in my quote. I should have stated that it came from the doctrine known as the Kabbalah. The quote itself says,"As the ancient mystical doctrine, the Cabala, says, we receive light and then we impart it... and thus we repair the world." (page xii)This comes from the book "Handbook for the Soul", edited by Richard Carlsen & Benjamin Shield.I like to look at it this way. If the world is filled with war and hate, it is probably because the world is filled with unconscious people. These people need to first be made conscious and aware. Start small and progress in stages until the world has become healed.However, were the world as a whole to be miraculously cured of evil and hate, it would follow that individuals would be cured.It's like a disease. First, find out what causes the entire body to be sick. Cure that one particular illness, and in return the entire body will be healthy.
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The latter is of course just my opinion so feel free to jump-in with your opinion! I'm off the soap-box now so it's your turn. :)

Light

Bill sent me an envelope filled with invaluable information. One line in particular stands out, and I'd like to share it here. I may post a few more lines throughout the day or next few days.

"...We receive the light and then we impart it..."
-The Kabbalah

This is in reference to the fact that we cannot begin to heal the world until we heal ourselves. We must first nourish our own souls so that we can next begin to nourish the world.

If You Could Choose....

Which would you choose in this lifetime?

a. Sex, passion... knowing that someday the flame would slowly dwindle...

-Or-

b. Eternal friendly love, knowing that it would last forever and on a more spiritual plane...

?

Do not let my adjectives sway you one way or the other. Please choose honestly.

Angel Poem

Angelman over at Angel Poems by an Archangel has sent me an angel poem that I requested from his site. It is beautifully written and when I read it tears came to my eyes. It really says a lot about me, I think. Be sure to check out the link above to read more of his poems!

Here is the angel poem:

There’s a sun always shining in this heart of mine.
It makes the roses bloom; it makes the sky clear.

No-one knows the trouble I’ve seen
nor the heartbreak
I’ve felt

in all the world.

I AM
Trans - muter.

Dreams from November 18, 2005

Dream 1:

I am a maid in a mansion (in England?) sometime during the 1800s. I am in a room when a ghost appears. It is flying overhead. This ghost has appeared before. I've finally had enough and am so scared out of my wits that I run out of the mansion, leaving my position for good. I have nowhere to go. I'm out on the streets. A man in a coat wraps his arms around me and tells me, "I'll take care of you."

Dream 2:

I hear a *pop* noise and see that a tiny little egg has just popped open. A tiny squirrel, not more than two inches high, emerges from the egg. I try to catch it by using a container. I get it cornered and finally it is in the container. I know that it won't survive on its own and I mean to take care of it. I try to feed it an apple. I bite a little piece out of the apple with the intentions of giving the piece to the squirrel. I accidently drop it on its head. It passes out. I worry that it is dead. Soon it wakes back up. I get a handful of leaves and place it in the container for the squirrel to have some bedding. Soon I realize that along with the leaves, a tiny turtle was put in the container unknowingly by me. I think to myself that I'll also take care of the turtle. I also think that the tiny squirrel and turtle will make great foster siblings. They will like growing-up together.

Dream 3:

I'm out in the ocean swimming. The waves are pushing me all over the place. I can hardly keep myself above water. I'm trying hard to get on a small boat that is also being tossed around madly by the waves. The water is so clear that I can see schools of fish and coral reef down below.
-------

At this time I am only able to offer a possible interpretation of the third dream. A little over a month ago I went snorkeling in the ocean while in Mexico. I had snorkelled too far out. The waves were strong and it took all my energy to swim through them. I decided I had swam too far out and that it was time to snorkel back to the beach. I had so far to go. I started losing all my energy. I had to stop and float quite a few times. Eventually I thought I would drown. I started to panic and cry just a little bit. Luckily I made it back.

Synchronicity Journal November 18, 2005

Last night I had planned on telling John to watch the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Since the movie was on my mind, I put the soundtrack in my CD player to listen to. I didn't mention this to John.

Today, when I checked my email, there was a message from him with a link to a movie that he wanted me to see. When I clicked on the link, it took me to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

This is not a new release. In fact, it came out in 2004.

Synchronicity Journal November 17, 2005

Yesterday I was discussing a song with someone. The main line to the song goes, "Don't let it get you down; it's only castles burning. Find someone who's turning, and you will come around." Ever since that discussion I've had that song in my head. It's been playing over-and-over in my mind. A few moments ago I visited NondualReality's blog and saw that he made a post about castles. Also, I just now visited Beard's blog and saw that he just made two posts about a hiking trip to a place called "Castle Peaks".

Synchronicity never fails to surprise me.

Gave Me a Good Laugh

What is it about Buddhist monks that make one smile? Everytime I've been around one they've made me feel very happy. I was surfing around the internet and ran across this picture on flickr. It actually made me laugh out loud! See for yourself and just tell me if you don't think it's funny!

Dreams from November 16, 2005

Dream 1:

I'm sitting down on something that is moving. Maybe it is a cart or a carriage of some sort. My legs are crossed and they are showing outside the outfit I'm wearing. Some Muslim men see my legs, point to them and tell me to cover them.

Dream 2:

I'm a Jew. Some men throw stones at me. I keep calling them "shticks". (I have no idea what this word means.)

Dream 3:

I'm looking through the CD racks at a library. I'm looking at CDs that feature brainwave entrainment to help one have dreams.

I Found It!

OK, I know you guys remember me talking about Mystery Man #2. Well, strangely this guy is VERY similar to Mystery Man #1 only they have different names and different writing patterns, so they're clearly not the same guy, but they must both believe in the same thing. Mystery Man #2 taught me a little bit more than Mystery Man #1 because he was more revealing than #1. Anyway, I found a webpage which explains what the Mystery Man #2 was talking about! It makes sense to me, but it mentions that "all children up to the age of 28 will be educated [in this New Age]", and I'm almost 28 and haven't learned any of the techniques on building the bridge. I wonder if I'll be too old after my birthday in June? I almost feel in a hurry to find someone who knows more about this so they can explain it to me without running and hiding in a rabbit hole.

Here's the webpage:
Antahkarana

Dreams from November 12, 2005

I think Pollux/Castor might be feeling a bit sad that I've not posted dreams for a while. Well, I had some vivid ones this day that I remember as though they had really happened, I even remember the sense of touch.

Dream 1:

I'm at a wedding reception, sitting at a round table. Seated at the table with me is an older gentleman I had not seen in a while, perhaps in his early or late sixties. I look at him and then I begin to feel sad. It's because at one time I had been in a relationship with him, but now I am engaged to a younger man. I show him my engagement ring, which strangely is a diamond in the shape of a triangle, and just as strange it is on my right ring finger instead of my left. He looks disappointed, a bit sad even, but he says he is happy for me. We continue to watch the reception go on. While he is watching, I look at him, and I start to feel feelings for him again, and I wish I had not been engaged.

Dream 2:

My first memory of this dream is from a third-person point of view. I am looking at myself. I am a young girl, perhaps 15 or 16. I am in a man-made cage on the ground. There is no bottom to the cage, just gravel, and that is what I lay on. I'm wearing a type of scarf that lays over the top of my head and falls down to conceal part of my face; I see only my eyes. I'm laying prone on the ground on my stomach, partially pushed-up by my arms. I'm looking out of the cage. There is a man there, outside the cage. He makes a business out of me. He charges other men a dollar to come and place locks on my cage. He lets them believe that they're the ones who get to lock me up for the first time. One man - who's younger than the rest, perhaps in his late twenties or early thirties - accidently gets stuck in the cage with me. This is where I began to dream with a first-person point-of-view. I start to claw at the gravel as though I'm a caged beast. I remember really feeling the gravel on my hands. I make a growling sound, as though I'm about to attack the young man. I act like a wild animal.

The dream scene jumps to me outside with the man and a woman. I think she is his wife. The landscape is very watery, as though we're right outside the ocean. There is a building behind me. The woman is trying to push a lever on a pipe in order to get something to drink, but there must be a clog in the drain. I am conjuring up a way to escape, so I tell the woman, "Oh, there's a seagull's nest clogging the pipe. I'll go down and get it out for you." I figure that if I can get down below that I can run away. There must have been a flood recently, because there are giant turtles everywhere, especially on top of the building. I point to the turtles on top of the building in order to show everyone. They gasp at how huge the turtles are. They are bigger than King Kong! There is a turtle nearby. I walk up to it in order to pet its snout, but it hisses at me. I get scared and jump back. I say to the man - who you must remember is my captor - "Daa...". I almost said "Daddy".

Dream 3:

I think this dream might have been an out-of-body experience. It's not a dream with a story to tell; it's just a feeling. I'm floating, and I remember telling myself to start to fall. I feel the sensation of falling backwards, but I tell myself I'll be safe because there is a bed underneath my real body.

Dream 4:

I'm the passenger in an old airplane. The pilot is flying through rooms and doorways. He causes us to fly upside down a few times. I remember this feeling of being upside down and feeling as though he would crash, but I just held on to him and said to myself that I can trust him.

Expectations

I thought I'd share with everyone the expectations I've had about enlightenment. These expectations led to what I'd like to call "spiritual frustration".

I imagined (and still do imagine) that all kinds of wonderful things will happen to me once I become enlightened. Some might seem silly, but I believe these expectations might get in my way of actually ever becoming enlightened.

I will list some of them here for you. While I am able to consciously be aware of them and actually list them on paper, I still seem to think something different is going to happen to me, though I don't know what it is. I expect somehow I'll feel differently.

I imagined that, while meditating, I'd see colorful swirling mists or lights, and hear heavenly sounds.

I thought, while meditating, that a divine hand would reach down and pull me out of my body in order to have an astral projection.

I had hoped I'd meet this wise teacher or guru, who would take me under his/her wing and lead me directly to enlightenment. I pictured in my mind someone magically touching my forehead and saying, "You are now enlightened.... yada yada yada.... You are now one of us."

I even thought I'd meet my wise teacher in dreamland. If he didn't exist in the physical realm, as so many have tried to tell me, then surely he must exist in the astral. I imagined my guide would speak to me and teach me things, passing his wisdom down to me.

Were these just the silly imaginings of a twenty-something girl? Was I over-romanticizing the idea of enlightenment?

Will I feel any different?

I know I need to get rid of my expectations if I plan on getting further down the path, but these expectations seem to stick to me like chewing gum.

Mr. Ego Just Made a Terrible Mistake!

Thanks to my friend Charlie for helping me realize something!

As you've read in an earlier post, I stated that "[The ego] must be killed off."

Only, Mr. Ego fooled me again, because, "Ego cannot be 'killed off' ... there is no ego, no separate entity."

Awareness

I am not my thoughts or experiences. I am the observer. I am Awareness.

Enlightenment

Today, while reading something, I had a thought. It was a thought that might sound quite shocking. Do I really want to be enlightened? After all, enlightenment might be like dying. Actually, it is dying. It's the death of the ego. Do I really want to die?

But then I realized my ego is fighting this process. It doesn't want to lose. It wants to survive. However, it must be killed off.
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There's a new blog: http://theenlightenedcross.blogspot.com/

Love

My new friend Bill quotes Krishnamurti on his blog, and this line in particular struck my fancy:

"What brings order in the world is to love and let love do what it will."

Help!

Ok, some of you that know me from my other blog remember me complaining about a "mentor" who magically appeared in my life and shed a little light on "spiritual things". Well, it's happened again. Another new voice - mysterious almost like the last one - has given me yet another hint. This time, this new guy mentioned something called a "Light-man". Has anyone ever heard of the Light-man? This guy wrote a few emails over the course of a few weeks, answered a few of my questions, and then vanished just like the previous guy. What is it with me drawing these guys who come and go, leaving little spiritual hints? They disappear as soon as they appear! It's frustrating, to say the least, because I want answers! If anyone has a clue on any of these words, let me know: Light-man, desire body, triad, three higher bodies....

And if that's not enough frustration, this guy gave me a puzzle to solve, and we had exchanged a few emails in which I was almost getting the answer right, and now he won't tell me if I was right or wrong! For those of you that know me, I have to solve puzzles. And if I don't get the answer right after numerous tries, I'd at least like to know the answer or I go crazy! :-o

THANKS.

Synchronicity Journal November 5, 2005 [part 2]

As you recall, yesterday I made a post about elephants in my synchronicity journal. They've showed-up again. Today I was watching The National Geographic Channel, and a documentary was on about Hannibal and Rome. In the segment they briefly spoke of the elephants that were in Hannibal's army. Right after the documentary was over, another documetary came on. It was about elephants.

Dreams from November 5, 2005

Dream 1:

I'm on a school bus. I'm in a bathing suit and my hair is pulled back. I'm supposed to take a shower on the bus. I'm getting ready to take a shower when I realize I have forgotten my towel. As if that is not enough, I realize that I'm actually in college and shouldn't have taken a bus that goes to high school.

Dream 2:

I'm swimming in some water that isn't exactly very clean. I get a mix of seaweed and algae in my mouth. No matter how many times I try to spit out the green stuff, it keeps showing up in my mouth.

Dream 3:

Like Tarzan, I am swinging about on vines. Beneath me is a swamp. I'm swinging straight-ahead and realize I'm headed straight for some alligators that are laying there. I try to maneuver myself so as not to end up in their mouths! There is also a bear that is sitting by the edge of the water. I try to avoid him, too.

Dream 4:

I'm floating in some water on an inner tube. I'm reading a magazine.

Dream 5:

I'm sitting at a round table outside with two other men. One man is tearing pages from a book and lighting them in order to burn the pages. There is a book on the table that is so big it has to be over one-million pages long. I grab the book and claim it so that he won't burn it. The man sitting across from me looks pleased that I have decided to rescue the book from a fiery fate.

Synchronicity Journal November 5, 2005

I was online reading an article on Discovery Channel News about evidence that has been found that elephants mourn their dead. As I was reading the article, I got an email from Blogger stating that I had received a comment on my blog. The comment came from a new visitor to my blog named Nobody. I went to Nobody's blog and on the page was a post about elephants which included a painting of an elephant.

Nap Dream from November 4, 2005

My boss is over at my cubicle sitting by my desk. We are discussing a project that we're working on. On my desk is an open comic book.

Dreams from November 4, 2005

Dream 1:

I'm walking through the front yard of a house. Through the front storm door I see an elderly woman sitting on the floor of her house looking out the door. She is sad and crying. I stop in front of the door and tell her that I can come in and talk to her if she'd like for me to.

Dream 2:

I live in a house where an apparition of a man has been killing people in various rooms. So far I haven't been killed, but I'm very scared that sooner or later he will show-up in the room I am in and kill me. After a while I begin to wonder if he likes me, and that is why he hasn't killed me. But still, I am very much afraid of him.

Dream 3:

I am at a next door neighbor's house. We're watching the news on t.v. On the t.v. I see my house and lots of people bringing cats and sticking them under my house. I am surprised to see my house on t.v. I run to my house in a panic and tell everyone that I can't afford to take care of all these cats. The strange thing is, on the television, which was live news coverage, it was sunny outside, but when I run outside it is raining.

Dreams with Impact

This may be a very probing question. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to. Dreams can be personal sometimes. Trust me, I know.

I would like to ask you this:

Of all the dreams you remember, which dream has been the most memorable?

Dream from November 1, 2005

[Note: In real life, I work with a girl named "Vannah". A couple of years ago a stray kitten showed-up at my house. At that point, I already had three cats and two dogs that I had adopted from the streets. I just couldn't fit another cat in the house, so I kept the kitten long enough to find it a home. When Vannah found out about it, she took the kitten in and has had it and loved it ever since.

Note 2: In real life, my father and stepmother own a Quaker parrot.]

Dream:

Vannah and I are getting ready to walk into an animal shelter. At the door, before entering, I turn to her and say, "Vannah, I don't think I can go in there. I don't think I can handle seeing all the homeless animals knowing that I won't be able to adopt anymore of them." But I turn towards the door again and try to walk in. Again I am unable to enter. This goes on for a few minutes when suddenly a black and white cat with a flea collar brushes up against my ankles. I reach down to pet it. We enter the animal shelter and inside I see my father holding up a cage with a parakeet inside it.

Dream from November 3, 2005

I'm standing at the top of concrete stairs. They are big stairs, like in an arena. There are many people lined along the top with me. We each have a wine glass in our hands. All in synch, we walk down the stairs. At the bottom, we perform some sort of ritual with the wine glass. We touch the wineglass to various body parts, then break it on the ground. Everyone breaks theirs before I do, and when I do, I call out, "Everyone close your eyes! I'm getting ready to break some glass!"

Chuang Tzu's Dream

This has been one of my favorite quotes:

"Once I dreamed I was a butterfly, and now I no longer know whether I am Chuang Tzu, who dreamed I was a butterfly, or whether I am a butterfly dreaming that I am Chuang Tzu."
~Chuang Tzu

Gifts

What is the best gift - aside from family and friends - that you've been given? These don't necessarily have to be physical gifts; it's up to you.

Synchronicity Journal August 24, 2005

I just posted some stream-of-consciousness on my blog, and some of the words I used were "child's play". As soon as I hit "publish post", I went to a random webpage and there was an ad at the top that said in red letters, "...child's play".

Dream from November 27, 2004

The Vessel posted a really special dream about a hot-air balloon ride. While reading it, I was reminded that late last year I too had a dream about riding in a hot-air balloon. Here is my dream:

I'm riding in a hot air balloon with a man and his wife. They're in
their 50s or 60s. The basket of the balloon is not the usual basket,
but more like something from an amusement park ride, with a bar across
the front, and open space by the legs so it didn't feel entirely secure.
Below, far below, I saw cars and houses, roads, highways, trees, and
more.

Each time the balloon turned I felt as if I was going to fall out. I
held on tight to the bar and got as close to the wall of the basket as
possible. The woman said she had to go out of the basket to fix
something below. When she got out, I was surprised at how much ease she did her work with, all the while I feel like I'm about to fall out.

When I can't stand watching her anymore, I grab one of her hands and
hold on. In fact, to feel I won't lose my grip, I then use both hands
to hold onto hers. (Remember, to her it was no big deal to be outside
the basket. I was the only one worried.)

Next scene: We're all three back in the basket, standing and looking at
the world below. The man is between me and his wife. He puts his hand on my back and starts stroking me. To put this in gentle terms, I felt aroused. I begin breathing heavily.

It is time to get ready to land, and we get closer to the ground, so
close we ride under an exit sign on the highway.

Happiness

What makes you happy?

The Alien Song (for Those Who Listen)

NonDualReality made a post on his blog yesterday about aliens. He provided a hypothetical scenario in which aliens could give us a limitless supply of energy. The key word is "could". The question he asks is, "Would they?" They can see just what we've done to the planet and to each other.

This particular post reminded me of one of my favorite songs from high school. It's called, "The Alien Song", by Milla Jevovich.

Here are the lyrics:


I see a shining...
A sweeping from the clouds
A glimmer of hope
Is coming to feel our light
Oh look it's flashing
This life among the stars
Reaching out to know us
To feel our might
Oh...this restless hope in you
Please...try and help us
Stand on our own
As we stopped on this pavement
And saw your dying mind
Paper, for which you're killing brothers life
Help you, we cannot trust you
We cannot understand
Your people's proud destruction
Of their own land
Oh...we're flying on from you
We...will not stay to see your fate
Watch them fly away
Watch them fly away
See the lines across the sky
Watch them fly...away

Haiku for October 26, 2005

The whispering wind,
The leaves soaring to the ground-
Orange, red, yellow, brown.

Also be sure to check out Beard's Autumn haiku: Thought

Why?

Why do you do it?

Floatation Tanks?

Has anyone been in a floatation tank? (Otherwise known as Samadhi Tanks, Sensory Deprivation Tanks, Float Tanks, etc.)

Supposedly, the machine helps take away all forms of senses - sight, smell, sound, touch - enough to leave nothing but the mind to do as it will. I've read of some people having strong lucid dreams using one of these tanks. Also, they can be used for deep meditation.

I'm interested in using one, but there are no spas in my area that has one for me to rent some time in. The only other option is buying one, and that is a crazy idea at this point until I've heard that it's a must-have.

Does anyone have anything to say about these tanks?

A Goodnight Post

I'm getting ready to go to bed, so I thought I'd post something to give you all something to think about. The question is simple. What about the answer?

Here is my question for you:

What do you value the most?

Dream from September 2, 2005

[Note: These scenes may not be in order, but I believe they're from the same dream.]

I'm at some kind of freak show, I think. There are certainly "all types" around.

I'm carrying a big bone of meat around with me. I want to give it to "Wolfman". I ask around for Wolfman, and tell some of the crew that I have some meat to give him, and they say, "Why don't you just give it to him?" and they point to a lion. I ask, "Will it bite me?" They respond, "No." So I give the meat to the lion.

In another part of the dream, there is an extremely tall woman - a giant - about to come indoors to the building I'm in. I hold the door open for her, saying, "For the lady." She thanks me and bends down to walk through the door.

In yet another part of the dream I'm carrying around a bone of meat. For some reason I'm holding it in front of my face, trying to rip it away because that little thing that hangs down in the back of my mouth - the uvula - has somehow attached itself to the meat and won't let go, almost as if it's come alive. I feel as if I'm choking, and I can't rip the meat away from the uvula.

Fear

Having not been very inspired lately, I've been going through what most writers would call "Writers' Block". Basically, I just don't know what to write on my blog, so you might have noticed some days when I simply say nothing at all. Well, tonight I've paid a visit to Paul Lambert's blog, and I've found something on his blog that I want to write about: Fear.

While I do not have a debilitating fear of snakes, bugs, heights, tunnels, etc., I do have some fears that are related to my future; fears that I've had for quite some time. These may be seen as minor insecurities to some, but to me, they seem to make the difference between life and death.

What are my fears? I fear that someday I might not have a roof over my head. I'm afraid someday something might happen to me and I won't be able to work. I'm afraid, after working for more than three years at the same place, that I won't be made a permanent employee. (I'm on a contract right now.) I'm afraid if I don't get made permanent that I'll have to go through another interview. It all boils down to that interview. I'm terrified of interviews. I know if I lose my job I could get another job somewhere else, but it's that interview that I have to have that scares me. I'm also afraid of change. I like the way things are now. I like where I sit at work. I've been offered a chance to move, but I wanted to stay right where I was. I think I'm afaid of change because if I do decide to change something, I might not like it and therefore won't be able to go back to the way things were beforehand. Most change is enforced upon me, and therefore I don't have much choice.

Recently I was offered a big change at work. I took it. For eight months I was a terribly unhappy person. I regretted making the decision. Lucky for me, this time I was blessed with the option of making things the way they were beforehand. But I might not be that lucky again. Because of that eight-month time period, I find change petrifying.

I think all this fear is yet another obstacle on my course to enlightenment.

I wish I could say I had a moral to this story, but I don't. What I'd like to ask you is this: What are you most afraid of? How do you face your fears?

Dreams from October 21, 2005

Dream 1:

I have a new kitten [similar to the one in the photograph]. His name is "Jack". My bed is outside. I'm on the bed. I see Jack playing around a big patch of grass. I call to him, "Here kitty kitty kitty kitty!" He comes up to me and jumps up on the bed. I pet him. Suddenly I realize that his name shouldn't be "Jack". All of my other cats' and dogs' names begin with a "P", so I should keep it consistent and name the kitten differently, with a name that begins with "P". I think through different names like, "Paps", "Pips", etc.

[Note: I don't really have a new kitten in real life. I already have three cats and two dogs; that's more than enough! And all their names truly do begin with a "P".]

Dream 2:

I'm a passenger in a car that my sister is driving. She's in her lane when she comes up to a red truck that is facing our way in our lane. It's just sitting there. I start to get angry that the driver thinks it can just use our lane to block traffic. I start yelling and gesturing for him to get out of our lane and into the correct lane - the lane where traffic is stopped. Finally he starts to move to the other lane. I get out of the car and run up to his open window. I yell at him, "Don't you ever do that to my little sister! If you do I'll give you the finger!"

[Note: I woke myself up by screaming those words at him. This is another one of those dreams where I surprise myself by being so angry. I am not myself in these dreams of anger. Although, I will admit that sometimes other drivers in real life can anger me.]

Dream 3:

I keep seeing myself with long hair full of waves and volume. In my dream I'm just sitting there looking back at myself.

[Note: This is probably one of the first third-person dreams I've had of myself. In real life I do have long hair but it isn't wavy, nor does it have a lot of volume. It's mostly straight and flat.]

Dream 4:

I hear the girl I work with saying to my boss, "Sophia really is fast."

[Note: I think this has to do with the project I just finished. It's the first time there's been a deadline that I've helped my boss to reach. I worked really hard to get it done, and I had it finished just in the nick of time.]

Synchronicity Journal October 17, 2005

Amos Newton reminded me that there are people out there who are interested in reading about my synchronistic occurences. So this one's for him:

Monday, October 17, 2005

My computer at work was not functioning, so I had to use another computer that belonged to an ex-employee that moved away for another job. I was on Google searching for things related to amber and fossilized insects preserved in amber. Then it hit me, the girl that used to sit at this desk was named "Amber"!

The Eternal Essence of Love

[This essay is by my friend, D.R. Bennett. I really liked what he had to say about Love so I asked him for his permission to post this.]

Throughout Western history there has always been this hope for a better life-- something more than what nature had already provided. The inventions and innovations that came forward to help us move into the future are the modern conveniences that we use today; the telephone, internet, cars, planes and medical equipment.

Yet, in all this advancement, there is still an underlying void that is never filled. It is the deep human need to feel love and acceptance. No matter how much we advance technologically, there will still be this need to feel and express what we call Love. This leads us to the question, What Is Love?

To me, Love is a never-ending stream of Consciousness. It does not judge or put guilt on someone. It accepts you for who and what you are. Love overlooks all human flaws, if any of them can even be considered as ‘flaws’.

Love is not egotistical or proud. Love is humble, patient and long-lasting.
It does not put itself before another, yet takes care of its own needs as well as the needs of others. Love teaches us to take care of ourselves.

Love goes beyond all of our human quirks and pet peeves. It sees through the lie of illusion, and notices the beautiful truth of existence. Love is like a garden that produces luscious fruit. There is plenty for the giving. ~

Love is the key to The Universe!

Go to http://www.freewebs.com/drbennett

My View on Homosexuality

This post may come as a shock to most people. I usually avoid political subjects. Politics usually get people into arguments, and I'm the kind of person who truly dislikes arguments. I like harmony. Anyway, there may be some of you who disagree with my post, and I just want you to know that it's OK. Disagreements are different from arguments. Two people can sit and in a friendly manner debate upon a subject. Just as long as no verbal weapons are introduced, it's kosher.

I'll simply say this: Homosexuality seems as legit to me as heterosexuality. I have a philosophical reason for my opinion on this. Love is larger than flesh. We are all One and therefore are the same as each other. Man or woman, it does not matter. There are no genders in the world of the spiritual. There are no bodies to connect. The spirit is what connects.

So yes, I do support same-sex marriages. For those of you that agree with me, thanks. For those of you that do not, please don't judge me any differently.

Feel free to post your comments on this. If you do not feel like sharing your identity, you are allowed to remain anonymous while commenting on my blog.

To Karl

Where do you get your inspiration for your writings?

To Change

Where are you? You've disappeared. Traveling?

Dreams from October 19, 2005

Dream 1:

I'm in a room with lots of people around my age that are lying on the floor smoking something. Someone gives me some. It's a plant. The plant is tubular with leaves growing out of the tube. The trick is to light the end of the tube and suck in the smoke through the other end of the tube. The leaves burn causing smoke to come through the tube. I get high.

[Note: I'm not a drug user in real life. I have tried marijuana a couple of times in my past, but I've never been a so-called "user". I've also smoked a legal plant known as "Salvia" while on a part of my spiritual journey.]

Dream 2:

I'm sitting in the passenger seat of an empty car in a driveway somewhere. Someone I've spoken to on the internet several times is outside the car but he doesn't notice me. I don't want him to because I feel that I don't look my best that particular day.

Nap Dream from October 20, 2005

[Note: If the word "bra" offends you, you may want to skip this particular post. I try not to accept any responsibility for my dreams. They happen on their own accord.]

I work in a government institution. I'm feeling a bit sick and report to the room for sick people. A priest is the ward of the room. First I have to sign-on to a computer so the institution knows my whereabouts. The priest gives me an outfit I have to wear to be in the room. It's a one-piece soft suit made out of a flannel-like material that also covers the feet. As I'm signing-on to the computer, the priest puts his hand on my shoulder and starts rubbing my neck. It feels relaxing.

Somehow I leave the institution. I'm still wearing the outfit. I don't have a bra on and I feel very insecure and exposed. I'm afraid people will notice that I'm not wearing one.

I end-up in a bar or club of some sort. I am wearing sunglasses and have my hair pulled back and a hat on. I think I see Mel Gibson sitting at the bar with a hat and sunglasses on, too. I think this must be a bar where famous people sometimes show-up.

Using my arms, I fold them against my chest to keep people from noticing that I'm not wearing a bra. I start walking to another room of the bar, and some woman sitting at a table must think I'm a famous person because of the incognito way I'm all covered up, with hat and sunglasses. She gets up and quickly takes my picture. The flash goes off and I feel its warmth, the flash burning my eyes a bit causing me to close them for a while.

Suddenly I realize that I'm supposed to be at the institution and that I forgot to sign out of the computer program and go back to work. I feel afraid that I'll get in trouble and lose my job.

Dream from October 18, 2005

[Note: I'm not sure I had this dream last night, but I just remembered it, so I either had it last night or in the past few days.]

There is a little boy with blonde hair sitting on the floor in front of a television. He is watching the cartoon series called "He-Man". I sit behind him and say to him, "I used to watch this cartoon when I was a kid."

[Note: I watched this cartoon all the time as a kid. I even had lots of He-Man toys.]

Nap Dream from October 17, 2005

I'm wearing a black t-shirt with David Bowie as "Aladdin Sane" on the front of it. I'm on a small speed boat in the water, and David Bowie is on another boat. I keep pointing at my shirt and trying hard to get his attention.

[Note: I'm a David Bowie fan. I fell in love with him as a young girl when he was in the Jim Henson classic called "Labyrinth". I became a DB music fan about three years ago. I saw him in concert last year.]

The Soul

"What the soul knows is often unknown to the man who has a soul. We are infinitely more than we think."

(Extract from one of Kahlil Gibran's letters dated 6th October 1915)

Haiku October 17, 2005

Fresh babbling water
Frog jumps off the lily pad
Catching its breakfast

Devoid of Feelings?

I watched a movie last night called "Equilibrium". In a way it was similar to Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451", in that books are one of the items that are banned from society.

In the movie, there has been a third world war. World leaders believe that man's emotions are to blame for the inhumanity to mankind, and fear that a fourth world war will destroy all of human life. Therefore, the new leaders set out to destroy emotions by banning books, art and music. The citizens must also take a mood-neutralizing drug known as "Prozium". Anyone caught with banned items or showing any emotion at all - through not taking the Prozium - is immediately incinerated. Christian Bale plays a character who is known as a Grammaton Cleric. The Grammaton is an elite team of members who help capture offenders and destroy banned items. Bale's mission in the film is to locate The Underground, a group of rebels.

Bale accidently drops and breaks one of his Prozium injections, and begins to feel emotions. He doesn't want to let go of these new feelings. This brings me to what I want to talk about.

In my search for spirituality, I have run across a belief that says thoughts can be a hindrence to enlightenment. I am assuming this goes with feelings as well. I think the point of these beliefs is to let go of any type of attachment so that one can experience Nirvana, or enlightenment. Thoughts and feelings lead to attachment. Attachment, therefore, keeps us from becoming enlightened. Or so they say. I am not sure I can cope with this.

How can I not let my heart soar to hear Beethoven? How can I keep from falling in love with a book? How can my heart not break to see a stray animal? How can I not look at and admire Botticelli's Primavera over and over again? I can't. I simply must feel these emotions. What would I be without emotion? Do thoughts not cause emotions, and do emotions not cause thoughts? You can tell me to get rid of thoughts, but then I might not feel.

Do you who have no thoughts also not have any emotions? How do you separate the two? How can you live without thoughts but still feel emotion? Or do you?

Please let me know what you think.

Coba Haiku

Rain pouring from clouds
Pyramid high in the sky
On the Mayan road

Nap Dream from October 16, 2005

I was somewhere looking at different chapsticks/lip moisturizers for air instrument players. I was looking specifically for something for flute players. I would look on the back labels of the packages to see if they could be used with the flute, but most of the ones I looked at were for other instruments, like the clarinet or the trumpet, etc..

[Note: I played the flute for six years when I was in elementary through high school. I also played the piano. I still have these instruments here at home but don't really play them that much. Also, as far as I am aware, I've never seen such a thing as a lip moisturizer made for instrument players.]

The State of My Dreams in Mexico Plus Some Dreams from Today, October 15, 2005

I can't remember a single dream from Mexico. During my trip I tried to recall a dream, but I think I did this practice too late in the day. You see, I was too excited to practice dream recall. In the morning, upon awakening, I had other things in mind. I would be thinking about my events for the day and I'd be too excited to think about dreams.

I do have some dreams I remembered from today. I have pretty much slept all day. With the exception of getting up long enough this morning to rescue the dogs from the kennel, I slept from about 2:00 am this morning to 5:00pm this evening, for a total of about 13 hours. I still had a hard time waking up.

Dream 1:

There was a bench that David was about to sit down on. There was a long pole sticking up out of it. I warned him not to sit down, but it was too late. He impaled himself on the pole. He got up slowly with a horrible look on his face, making a terrible sound with his cries of pain.

Other misc. dreams:

I've had several dreams of one of my tour guides from Mexico. The guide's name is Mosiah from the Tulum ruins site. I don't remember the dreams, just that he has been the central character in them.

I'm Back!

Hi everyone! I'm back from my adventure to the Yucatan. I had the time of my life. In fact, it was the best vacation I've ever had. There is so much I want to say about it right now that I doubt I'll get it all in one post, so I'll probably add more later.

My favorite part about the trip was the snorkeling. I saw lots of marine habitat in the ocean and in several cenotes. Cenotes are popular in the Yucatan region. The water in the ocean there is very warm and easy to walk right into, however, the water in the cenotes is very cold! I had to take my time and tip-toe gently into the water. The best part was when we went to a cave called "Dos Ojos" - Two Eyes - and snorkeled through hidden tunnels. Our personal guide had a 1200 watts light and we were able to see beautiful cave formations deep in the clear cool water. In the ocean and lagoons we went to, we saw colorful fish, unlike anything I've seen in the Louisville, KY area.

The Mexicans there were very friendly and surprisingly almost every one of them spoke some English. There were a few that didn't, and I had a chance to practice my Spanish with them. A few times I got a good laugh out of some of them as they could probably tell my Spanish wasn't perfect. In the end, we were still able to communicate.

We went to two different sites of ruins: the ruins in Tulum and the ruins in Coba. It was a beautiful sunny day when we went to Tulum, so I was able to get some great pictures. However, the day we went to Coba we didn't fare so well. It rained so hard it was practically a monsoon! The funny thing is, Coba means "waters stirred by the wind". As soon as we got to that site, it started pouring. It poured the whole time we were there. As we were walking out the gates of the park, the rain stopped.

I saw some things I'll never forget: a poor young Mexican girl reaching her hand out to our car asking for money, a Mexican worker on the side of the road cutting weeds with a machete, huts made out of palm tree leaves, rugged roads through the jungle... Everytime I went to a shopping village the vendors would run up to me and try very hard to get any money out of me that they could. I learned how to bargain with them. Of course they always wanted more money than things were worth, so I'd offer a lower price and they'd come back with something halfway between my price and theirs, and we'd continue until either I bought or walked away, and usually when I walked away they'd run back up to me and say, "OK, you can have at this price." To tell you the truth, it was kind of sad. I wish I could give them more money, for they are more poor than I am, but I am not rich either.

I know I said I would swim with the dolphins, and that that was one of the activities that I was most interested in pursuing. However, when I entered the park that I was going to swim with them in - "Xel-ha" - and saw how small of a water-pen they were kept in, my heart broke at their loss of freedom and I couldn't pay the $115 to support caging an animal in this way. I didn't really think about this before going down there, I guess it just took seeing it to spark the negative emotions.

Yes, I did give in to my desire for material things. I wanted to bring some items home with me from Mexico, so I bought a few souvenirs, all of which were handmade in Mexico. I did find my Mexican skeleton, handcrafted beautifully out of cedar wood. I also bought a Mexican opal charm laid in silver, and the most interesting of all my souvenirs - a sterling silver ring with an amber stone. Inside the amber is a perfectly preserved carpenter ant. I wonder how old it is. There also appears to be a tiny gnat. I spoke with the jeweler about his handicraft and he really seems to enjoy it. He had the most interested jewelry of all the shops I had been to. Sterling silver shops are found all over Mexico.

Another thing worth mentioning is that I really enjoyed learning about the Mayans. Maybe later I'll talk a little more about the ruins I went to and the various gods they worshipped. I will say that they were astronomy wizards and built their architecture according to the stars and directions.

Well, that's all for now. It is 1:15am my time and I am very tired from all the traveling. I will do my unpacking tomorrow. I just had to get on here and say hello to everyone and give you an intro to what happened while I was in Mexico.

Oh, and I definitely missed you guys! One of the first things I did upon my return home was to get on this computer and post this. :)

Is This Goodbye?

In two days - Monday - I'll be leaving for Mexico. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm going to miss you! I'll be hoping and wishing that maybe there is a computer somewhere in the hotel that I can use to stop by and say hello, but somehow I doubt that I will be so lucky. I guess that means I'll have to live without blogging and my wonderful friends for a week. But still, I am very much looking forward to this vacation. It will be the first time in my entire life - 27 years - that I've gone out of the country. I am excited about seeing a different culture. Plus, I'll get to actually see if my years of classes of Spanish have paid off. But just in case, I'm bringing along my handy electronic handheld Spanish-English translator that I've had since high school.

Some of the things that I'm most excited about are swimming with the dolphins. It's a little expensive for this opportunity, but it's something I just can't pass up. Then there is the snorkeling in the cenotes. That should be just divine! I'm anxious about seeing for the first time in my life clear blue waters. I've only been to the Atlantic Ocean on the east coast, and its waters aren't pretty blue. The ruins at Tulum and Coba should be quite the adventure, too. It's going to be pulling it pretty close, but I'm hoping they will have started decorating for El Dia de los Muertos. That is The Day of the Dead, November 1-2. I won't be there on those days but I'll be there until October 14th, so hopefully I will catch some sights of this particular festivity. I'm not much of a shopper, but I do want to purchase a souvenir with this theme. The little skeletons are cute. You might be thinking I'm weird because of my interest in this, but let me tell you a little about this special holiday.

El Dia de los Muertos is a Mexican holiday in which the people celebrate those who have died. It is a way of honoring their dead, as well as remembering them. It is not morbid at all, but a very festive and happy occasion. Everywhere gravesites are decorated and there are lots of foods and candies. There are parades and people wearing masks and costumes.

It really is a shame that I will not be there to see this, but again, maybe I'll get a chance to see some pre-holiday decorations.

Let me get back to what I wanted to say in the beginning. I'm really going to miss everyone and I hope you'll come back and visit me when I return. I'll be looking forward to catching up on all your blogs, too.

Dreams from October 8, 2005

Dream 1:

(This is just a fragment.) I'm flying high up in the sky around the clouds. There are other people in the distance flying, too. There is a city bus up in the sky that is stopped and I go to the door to get on the bus.

Dream 2:

A younger guy asks me to come smoke something with him. I follow him to a secluded place. He has a brown cigarette-looking thing. He asks me, "How much do you want?" I try to be polite and say, "Just give me however much you want me to have." So, he clips off a tiny amount, so small there is really nothing there to smoke. He takes his and sticks it up his nostril and accidently lights it. It catches fire and burns, and he starts to panic thinking it will burn him. I tell him to calm down, that it won't hurt too bad. Finally it all burns out. He asks how I knew it wouldn't hurt. I answer, "Because your nostril is slightly moist. It helps to put out the fire."

Suddenly there are some men walking towards us. They have a car. The wind starts blowing really hard. Dangerously hard, in fact. I can't hardly hear anything but the wind. The men that are walking towards me yell at me, "Hurry and get in the car!" It doesn't register with me. I stand numbed in the wind, feeling as though I'm about to be blown away. Just in the nick of time, one of the men grabs me and quickly pulls me to the car. He opens the rear door and throws me in, slamming the door behind me. When he closes the door, it quiets down inside the car, but I am watching at all the damage being done outside the car window. There is another girl in the backseat of the car with me.

One of the men gets in the drivers seat and slams on the gas pedal, putting the car in reverse. He runs the car through a forest, and I am afraid he will hit a tree, but he doesn't. He drives forward and somehow, as if through a portal, we end-up on a highway in Mexico. There are highway signs around us in Spanish. I think to myself that I had Spanish in high school and college so I can translate them.

Dreams from October 7, 2005

Dream 1:

I am in a strange medical building. The people around me are discussing a boy that is laying there. He survived sharing his mother's womb with salmon. They mention that the salmon made a good dinner.

There is a cart being pushed around. A head is on it, but the head is alive and talking even though there is not a body to go along with it.

Dream 2:

I am in a room with several other people. We are passing around coins and we are studying them, checking out different reliefs on the coins. We are also looking at other small pieces of metal.

There are lots of pieces of cake around. They are nice big pieces.

I see a girl I used to go to high school with. (Not in real life.) She was a popular girl in high school. I want her to know how I've turned out. I say to her, "I'm an Economicist." She says something like, "I saw your mother at Jazzercise and she said...." (I can't remember the rest.) I feel she is somehow putting me down. I get into it with her, telling her to shut up.

Later I am looking at a box that has been laid down on my area of the table. I open it. It's a box that belongs to the girl. Inside are several books, like small tiny medical books and a note that says her father is Robert Blake. I feel sorry for her, then. I didn't realize she was Robert Blake's daughter. (Robert Blake is an actor in our country who was accused of murder but was somehow acquited.)

Dream 3:

I am getting on a city bus. For some reason they won't let my friend Jessica on. She has a little dog with her. I try to negotiate with the bus driver. I eventually tell the female driver that if she lets my friend on, I'll go bowling with her. She agrees and lets my friend on.

Dream 4:

I'm with a group of people. I think we are a school group. We're going to an amusement park. I'm talking to the ticket man. I've forgotten my ticket. He won't let me go through. I ask if I pay money and find my ticket later, will they give me a refund? He says, "Yes." I ask my mother for some money. She gets out a few hundred dollar bills. These aren't normal bills. They're old-looking printed bills, and they are different from our country's usual style. I notice they have the year 1810 printed on them. I tell my mother, "Mom, do you have any others? Let's keep these. They are old." She says, "Yes." I look at the old bills again carefully and realize they are newer bills than I thought. They were just printed to look old. But, I find my ticket anyway so we don't have to use any money.

Dream 5:

I'm looking in a mirror. My hair has been cut very short, just below my ears. I start crying. Someone must have came and cut my hair while I was sleeping. (In real life my hair is long and straight. It is all the way down to the small of my back.)

To Karl Trask re: Derongi

Karl,

It seems you are having geographic dreams. First, your dream about the Scarlet Woman named "Savannah", then your dream about the hellion reptile named "Derongi". I mentioned that Savannah might actually be the location - Savannah, Georgia - and that there once were many brothels in that area, hence the "Scarlet Woman".

The name Derongi, that you heard the reptile speak in your dream, can be broken into two words, der and ongi. Der Ongi. That is German for "The Ongi". There is a river in Mongolia named The Ongi.

I like reading your dreams on your blog.

Nap Dream from October 6, 2005

This is a fragment of a longer dream that I had earlier while taking a nap:
It is nighttime. I am in a car driving down a road with headlights on. I come up to a dead dear laying in the road. It is bloodied. I feel sorry for the deer, and I become slightly upset, crying for it. I begin to turn left on another road. I am then at an angle to see that behind that first deer are many other dead deer laying on the road. Not two, not five, but maybe a hundred dead deer.

The next day I get ready to go to the site of the dead deer. I want to see if there are surviving babies that I might have a chance to rescue. It is daylight, and the sun is out. I arrive at the scene, but I avoid getting too close because by all the dead deer is a huge army of live deer surrounding the dead deer. I fear getting too close for they might attack me. They are there to protect their dead.

Strange Fuseli Painting

I found this image last night while researching Fuseli. (You can click on the image to make it larger.) The page it was on did not have a title, nor did it have descriptive text about the painting. Does anyone know anything about this painting, such as the title, and the story behind it? Fuseli seemed to have had a penchant for painting or drawing women in a limp laying position, such as that seen here and also in "The Nightmare".

Dreams from October 6, 2005

Dream 1:

I'm in a house. I think it might be a house that I share with my mother in the dream. There is a girl in a room with me. I'm thrilled that she is here, because she is a very popular girl in school and I can't believe she'd want to spend time with me. I am discussing something with her and I am in the middle of talking when suddenly she turns the radio up real loud, so loud it hurts my ears. I get aggrevated that she would do that in the middle of my speech. I yell at her, "Get out! Get out of the house! Go!" She heads towards the front door, all the while apologizing for turning the radio up. I continue telling her to get out. When she is finally outside the storm door, she takes a look at me one last time and says, "I'm really sorry." The look on her face is pitiful so I say, "OK," and I let her back in. We go back up to the room and I start talking once more. Again she turns the radio up real loud in the middle of my words. This time, it suddenly hits me. I say, "I get it now." She responds, "What?" I say, "You have Crohn's Disease and you don't want me to hear it." She gets an embarrassed look on her face. Finally she admits that I'm correct. I feel guilty for getting mad at her when she was only trying to cover up a side effect of her ailment. I turn the radio down, and she says, "I'm embarrassed to be in the same room with you right now." I tell her, "Don't be embarrassed. I'm your friend. I don't care."

(In real life I've only known a couple of people with Crohn's Disease.)

Dream 2:

I'm on a college campus. I look at my watch and see it is 2:45pm. That means I've missed my morning class. I get upset with myself because it's not the first time it's happened. Actually, I've almost missed all of my classes for the whole semester. On the way to my second class I bump into a guy I knew in real life. His real name is Adrian, only in the dream I say, "Hello, Aaron." Then I wonder to myself if I got his name right. I think, "I hope I got his name right. How could I forget a friend's name?" But then I'm satisfied that I got his name right because in the dream his name really is Aaron.

I'm on a pathway between buildings, trying to make it to class. Suddenly my right tennis shoe completely falls apart. It is laying in pieces on the pathway. Everyone points and starts laughing, making fun of me for having a shoe that falls apart. I feel hurt, and say, "I just bought these yesterday!"

I run to a class inside a building. It's an auditorium-style class. The class isn't mine, but I'm hoping to run through the back to go to another door. The class has started and everyone is quiet while I'm in the back running behind the seats, trying to make it out the other door before anyone notices me. I make it to a door, but it is made of metal and a big lock is on it so I can't go out that way. The professor notices me. I feel embarrassed to be seen. I'm crying still from having been made fun of. The professor heads towards me and puts his arm around me. We start flying in the room. He says, "It'll be OK. I'd like to film you. Come with me. I know it's the drugs." I protest, "But I'm not on drugs." He still continues saying he'd like to film this and while flying he leads me to another room. He goes on believing that I'm on drugs.

(In real life, in elementary and high school I was picked on a lot, but in college I was somewhat popular. I even got voted to be on the homecoming court. I think the early years are still nightmarish for me, even though my college years more than make-up for the earlier experiences.)

"Strive to give back the Divine in yourselves to the Divine in the All." - Plotinus (205-270)

My last semester in college I took a Religions of the East course. I had already had two other religion courses at school - Introduction to Christianity I and Introduction to Christianity II. (These classes don't preach Christianity, they teach the history of the religion.) At the time of these classes I didn't label myself as belonging to any certain religion or philosophy. In fact, I just didn't think about it. I took the classes because in order to get my math degree I needed so many electives. When I took the Religions of the East course, I started to feel something emerging from within myself, especially when we discussed Hinduism and Buddhism. I found out about the idea that we all form a great big "One". Basically, that I am you and you are me. In other words, there is a part of you in me and a part of me in you. We are each other. Thinking that we are separate entities is only an illusion.

To make a long story short, when this was brought-up in class and we began to study it, I started to feel a sensation of familiarity. I felt, "This is it! I believe this!" I couldn't help but smile to myself because I finally felt something real and believable, something that connected me to the rest of the universe.

It was at that point that I became interested in philosophy. Off and on from December of 2001 I dabbled a bit in Buddhism. In fact, if asked, I was a "Buddhist" for about three years. I liked knowing that I belonged to something. Only I didn't realize that this in itself was an attachment - something that Buddhists strive against. Buddhists believe that attachments get in the way of Nirvana, or enlightenment.

Last night I "met" a philosopher who I really like. His name is Plotinus, and he founded Neoplatonism. Central to Plotinus' work is the idea of this "One", from which we all emanate like sparks from a fire. Plotinus was a mystic and had several successful attempts at merging with God, or the One.

I have attempted quite a few times to have this experience myself, through meditation or astral projection. I wonder if the phenomenon known as "astral projection" is really a form of mysticism in which the soul merges with the Universe. I have not had any luck, yet, and I've been trying for months. This is one of the reasons I seek a teacher. I believe with a teacher I can learn the necessary techniques to reach this level of ascent.

Dream and Nightmare from October 4, 2005

Earlier in the afternoon yesterday I took a nap. I had a dream which I vaguely remember, but I recall that I was in the living room of someone's house, sitting upon the couch and having just received a tin lunchbox. Inside were lots of little candies from my grandmother.

Last night I had a nightmare. Like the earlier dream, I don't remember much of it. However, I do recall a corpse being brought into a room. At first it was covered in a bag. Then, the people removed the corpse and its face was all red and blotchy from having started to decay. It smelled of rot. I thought I would be sick. I tried to run to get away from the sight and smell.

To Morpheus

Morpheus,

Where are you? I want the red pill.

Taking Note

I know sometimes I don't really pay attention to things. I can unconsciously walk about like a zombie that is unaware of everything. I don't know what happens to the moments that I'm not paying attention. Am I thinking thoughts? Am I completely mindless? Well, to prove to myself that I'm not totally unaware, here are some things I've noticed today that either made me smile or get upset.

The first happened this morning. As I was about to leave for work, I saw my neighbor's indoor/outdoor kitty by my storm door peeping inside at my indoor yellow tabby. She likes the little visits. So does he. It's almost like a sweet little romance, but no contact. Sometimes she gets mad at him and will get all hissy, but this morning she was amiable.

Then at work, I got a paper cut. It's easy to notice something like that. It didn't bleed too much. Just a little. But paper cuts hurt horribly!

These might not seem like major events of a lifetime, but sometimes it's the little things that count. It's these things that remind me I'm alive. Some may say it's things like this that only add to the illusion of self and ego, but I can't ignore them.

Dreams from October 1, 2005

The last dream in this post is very significant to me. Somehow it has touched me and I can't quite explain how. Have you ever had a dream that leaves you with strong emotions? Well, that was one of those dreams. The first few dreams I'm posting aren't too important, but I'm keeping them in my dream journal. The last dream - the one I've been talking about - I had today while taking a nap.

Dream 1:

I am Willie Nelson's girlfriend. (Don't remember details, just feelings.)

I think the only reason I dreamed this is because a few months ago I saw Bob Dylan in concert and Willie Nelson played before Dylan.

Dream 2:

My stepmom is over at my house. She needs to use the bathroom. Inside I panic because I don't think my bathroom is very clean. When she is inside the bathroom and the door is closed, I hear her say through the door, "I love you, Sophia." I tell her I love her, too.

Dream 3:

I'm down on my hands and knees in the shower stall with a cleaning brush scrubbing the shower stall's floor.

Dream 4 (Nap dream):

Someone I don't know has just sent me a necklace with charms on it. I'm looking at each separate charm carefully. One is a little silver charm that has something carved into it. It reads, "Sophia, we are soul mates." There is another charm, it is a blue glowing charm, as if there is a little light inside it, but it glows mysteriously. Another charm looks round, almost like a blue coke bottle lid that has been flattened out. It too has something carved into it. It reads, "I vow to email you to let you know who I am." Somehow I get the feeling I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this necklace.

In another part of the dream, I'm talking to a wise man. I want to tell him about the necklace I've received but I remember I'm not supposed to mention it. For all I know, the wise man could have been the one to have sent it to me. He could be judging my ability to not tell secrets. But still, I am not entirely sure it was him. In the yard of the wise man are about 16 or 20 brass plate-like shields with colorful symbols that he has painted all over them. Someone in the yard is there to take them all away or to destroy them. I run with all my might to try to save one from their doom. I make it. I grab one and run off with it. The man that is there to take them away will not be able to catch me. I arrive somewhere and put it in a white plastic bag.
-----

I don't know what to make of last night's/today's dreams. The first three - especially the first one - seem very plain and just everyday-type dreams, nothing to bother interpreting. But this last one is still with me. I don't know how many of you go on about your dreams, or how they leave you feeling, but I wish I could go back into this dream and find out the answers to some of my questions, like, "Who sent me the charm necklace?" "What were those shields?" "Who was the wise man?" The wise man also didn't just seem wise, something about him also told me he was magical. Another question I'd like to know the answer to is, "Why was that person there trying to take away/destroy the brass plate-like things?"

One other thing of note: There is more blue in my dreams again. I've been seeing this a lot lately. So much that I know it must mean something.

Feel free to leave any interpretations, questions or comments about this dream on my blog.

Bedtime Thoughts

Aristotle believed everything that existed had a purpose. For instance, a knife exists to cut things; an apple exists to be eaten; a cat exists to offer human companionship (or to kill mice).

I'm about to go to bed, and I've just wondered what Aristotle believed humans' purpose to be. If you know, feel free to comment here and I'll read them in the morning. Otherwise, maybe the book I'm reading will tell me. If not, I'll Google the question tomorrow.

This book makes me think.

Oh, by the way - what do you think the purpose of the human is?

Confession

Yesterday, a group of six co-workers and myself went to lunch. They started talking about someone. I joined-in. The kindest things weren't quite said. Why am I still participating in such behavior? Haven't I developed enough spiritually to not give in to such temptations? Just when I thought I loved everyone, here I am doing wrong, talking about someone behind their back. I feel guilty.

Memory

See if you can answer some or all of these questions.

What is the first memory you can recall?
What was your first thought?
What was your last thought before reading this post?
What was your first dream?

Dream from September 29, 2005

(Note: In real life my dad and stepmom always go to bed around 9:00pm, even though both of them are retired and don't have to work the next day. Therefore, it's kind of a given that phone calls after 9:00pm shouldn't be made. I wouldn't call someone after 9:00pm anyway, unless it's someone like my mom who goes to bed later.)

In the dream I look at my watch. It's 10:48pm. I pick-up the cordless phone with the intention of calling my mom. I accidentally dial my dad's phone number. I don't realize it until it's too late. He answers, groggily, "Hello?" I speak into the phone, "Oh, Dad, I'm so so sorry." I make-up a lie, "I was using the memory dial on the phone and hit the wrong button." He replies in his sleepy voice, "You've really done it now, Sophia." I continue to apologize.

(Note: In real life my dad would be a little more forgiving than that.)

More Synchronicity

It's been around five or six months, but here is another synchronistic occurence that happened to me.

I was taught briefly by a past mentor how to listen for messages in music. One day, I had just learned what astral projection was on the internet. That same day, when I got into my car after work, I turned on the radio and a song I had never heard before was on the radio. It was called "Astral Plane" by The Modern Lovers. I haven't heard it since.

Tonight I'm all alone in my room
I'll go insane if you won't sleep with me
I'll still be with you
I'm gonna meet you on the astral plane
The astral plane for dark at night
The astral plane or I'll go insane

Well I don't see you and it's getting dark
Today we should have gone to Central Park
Well don't you want to see me ever again?
If not I'll meet you on the astral plane
The astral plane for late at night
The astral plane or I'd go insane

Well we've known each other from other lives
I want to see you today
But I'll prove my knowledge of what's inside
When I intercept you on the astral plane
The astral plane for late at night
The astral plane or I'll go insane
Alright

Well I don't see you and it's getting dark
I'd have a lot to say
But you're not the one that I can say it to
At least not today
Oh, well I don't remember it afterwords
I don't yet know the words!
But I know we've been together just this week
We've been together on the astral plane
The astral plane for late at night
The astral plane or I'd go insane

Haiku for September 28, 2005

Chilly morning air,
the proof of summer's passing-
Fall's awakening

Logic

Another class I wish I had taken in college is logic. It was part of the philosophy program at Indiana University Southeast. I took boolean algebra as part of the computer science department, but somehow that's just not the same. There is still so much of me that needs to be educated. But you know what? That's what's fun about life. There will always be something new to learn. That's the beauty of it all.

Colors

I've wondered in the past - and the thought has recently come back to me - do we see colors the same? I mean, is my green the same as your green?

Talking to Myself

Do you exist? You can say that you exist, but it could just be my mind having you say you exist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism

Synchronicity Journal 4 September 26, 2005

I found one Bicentennial quarter in my left jacket pocket and one Bicentennial quarter in my right jacket pocket.

For those of you who don't live in the USA: It's a rare occurence to get a Bicentennial "drummer boy" quarter in your change. To find two in one day, one in each pocket, is just odd!

AIQ-BEKER/ Gematria/ Numerology

You can click on this image to see a larger version which will be much easier on your eyes.

Your name, as well as other aspects of life involving letters, sentences and numbers, has an essence. This essence can be determined by using what is known as Numerology.

To give you an example of what I'm referring to, let's find out the essence of the name Jane Doe. We will use the modern numerology column for this exercise.

1. First we must substitute each letter with a number.

J A N E D O E

1 1 5 5 4 6 5

2. Then you add the numbers together to get a sum.

1+1+5+5+4+6+5 = 27

If the sum is larger than one number, add the numbers of the sum until you get a number that has one number.

27 = 2+7 = 9

3. Find the meaning of the number using this chart:

1. Unity, oneness, extensions, spirit, self
2. Duality, divine-will, ego
3. Matter, manifestation, intelligence, space, soul, unfolding of events
4. Solidity, firmness, time, memory, reason
5. Spirit and matter mixed, man, motion, will, religion, human personality, meditation
6. Animation, life, mind, imagination, beauty, balance, love, harmony
7. Completeness, satisfaction, wholeness, desire, victory
8. Cycles, spirals, creativity, intellect, reason, infinity, magick
9. Stability in change, animal being, consciousness

Jane Doe = 9 = Stability in change, animal being, consciousness

You can find out the essence of just about anything using these steps.

If you use the Enochian or Crowley columns of the chart, notice that the letters T and Z have two numbers. Perform these twice for those columns. There will be two different essences.

If you have any questions, post a comment or send me an email.

Synchronicity Journal 3 September 26, 2005

Today has been a day of synchronicity as far as blogs are concerned. Just last post I mentioned that there were two blogs who questioned why we are here. I have just landed on another blog that asks the same question. That now makes three. (The blog is Solitary Buddhist.) As if that isn't enough, today Mark's blog has a post on lucid dreaming. I then went over to There's No Such Thing as "the Ultimate Truth" blog and it had a post on lucid dreaming!

You may be saying, "So what?" Well, these just happen to be blogs that I visit every day that are listed on the side of my blog. And these blogs are multi-topic blogs. Out of any subject they could have picked, it had to be on lucid dreaming and the big question.

Synchronicity Journal 2 September 26, 2005

A little while ago I was reading Sadiq's blog. He asked the question, "What is the meaning of life?" I commented, "The meaning of life is to figure out the meaning of life." Then, I visited the Qubikuity blog. The most recent post questioned, "Why are we here?" To which the blogger said his best answer was, "To figure out why we are here!" Both are very similar responses to similar questions.

Synchronicity Journal September 26, 2005

Just the other day Utenzi came to my blog and mentioned the Cartesian Mind-Body Problem. Then later, as he was reading a novel called _The Rule of Four_, the Cartesian Mind-Body Problem was briefly mentioned.

Being Centered - A Conversation with Mark Walter

September 24, 2005

Cage

life, slipping away,
never knowing who I am
or why I am here

S. Nice haiku, Mark. Maybe at that very moment we die we'll know who we were and why we were here.

M. OMG... let's not wait that long, okay? Whew. We gotta know now. That's the game. That's the greatest obsession... to become aware. What a wonderful obsession. :-) !! To live in awareness. May that happen to you, very soon, in this lifetime. I hope you experience that.

S. I hope I do, too! It's a deep longing, Mark. Wow! I can't even tell you. :) I feel like I'm going out of my mind because of it, but I've heard that that is a common feeling in those who are starting out on their journey.

M. That's because it isn't centered in the mind, hence the expression and feeling. You have to center in a different spot.

S. How does one find that spot? Through meditation? Do you meditate often?

M. Well, I don't think I meditate all that traditionally. Sometimes I lay down to relax. That's not meditation. Sometimes I will focus on helping someone or think about solving a problem. I suppose that is a form of meditation, but also prayer. You know? It is inhaling and receiving (meditation), and exhaling and giving (prayer).

I often go into "the zone", the so-called mushin state, or empty mind... to receive direction. That definitely is a form of meditation. I am trying to be in that spot more and more. I don't live in it constantly.

Sensei once told me the best way to learn to meditate is to do so in everyday life. I took his advice. He wasn't debunking traditional mediation, he was simply saying, "Here is the best practice for meditation – application in everyday life."

S. I was taught "driving meditation" by a Buddhist monk. I can't say I've practiced it all that much because sometimes I get a little angry behind the wheel, mostly when someone gets on my tail. And I really dislike that I get like that, but I don't notice it until after it happens. That must show the real me - that I can actually get angered. I'm not supposed to be like that.

I kind of do like you - lay down to relax. I try to use it as a form of meditation but I always fall asleep. :D I'd like to practice more of the sitting in lotus position kind of meditation.

But Sensei sounds right. We can use our everyday life as a form of meditation.

M. Well, we are like that though (getting angry, etc.). Sensei states that we have to accept the reality that we live in world of right and wrong. No one is all right, and no one is all wrong. So each of us are right and wrong. No exceptions. Perfection in this world, he states, is learning to balance ourselves in a world of right and wrong. It takes some of the pressure off ;-)

S. That makes me feel a little better. I guess we can't be perfect after all, no matter how hard we try. Sensei is a man of wisdom. So are you. :)

M. That whole perfection thing is a huge crock of ***t. It is (imo) one of the greatest misconceptions ever put on people. In Christianity, they serve up Jesus as perfect. He committed zero sin. He never did wrong.

That is such a huge pile of s***. To say he never did wrong or to say he was perfect is to build a model that is unattainable. And it lets the priests, ministers, and teachers off the hook for not being able to give their followers the teachings that bring people to the actual inner experience that we are all craving. They can't do it! So much for their standard of perfection.

Jesus was an imperfect being. It is so simple to see: He breathed polluted air, and ate food that wasn't 100% pure. He had bowel movements and pissed... showing that he had waste. He was imperfect. Yet, he carved the Way and a Path in spite of his burdens and imperfections. That’s "the good news" to me!

It is impossible for God, God's only Son, or the greatest of all Teachers to be perfect. Imperfection is part of the universe, part of God's creation. If God is in all things (which he is), and at the center of all things, than he is certainly in the center of imperfection.

This is a subject that really upsets me and gets me going, because we all live under these impossible expectations of perfection. Such expectations put the experience out of our reach. And that’s wrong! It’s a sin!

S. I've read some passages from The Gospel of Thomas, and one of those passages tells of Jesus killing a boy? Funny how the Gospel of Thomas didn't make it into the canon.

I'm not intolerant of the Christian faith, but one thing I disagree with is that Jesus was God's only son. If there is a God, then we are *all* God's children.

M. It says, "God's only begotten Son".

S. But what if we look at it from a different perspective? In the view that we are all part of God? Then we are all begotten by God. If my mother and father have part of God in them, when they conceived me, I am therefore part of God and hence begotten by God.

M. Oh yes, I completely agree. And having a firstborn doesn't negate the existence of other children. But the first Soul, the Prime Creator, the Master Soul came out of the emptiness, and had awareness.

I actually remember being born as a soul. I recall the experience of coming into awareness. But there was someone looking into my eyes when I first opened them. The firstborn, the Master Soul, didn't have anyone looking into his/her eyes.

With respect to Buddha, who's to say that wasn't an incarnation of 'the only begotten Son'? Awareness is not the domain of only that Soul. Awareness is the 'objective' of that soul... to spread it, to help others experience and realize it.

S. I see what you're saying now. Buddha and Jesus could both have been incarnates of the same soul. But if we all originate from the same source, we are all part of that same soul. It's just that we're all trying to realize it. That brings us back to we're all God's children. We are God, therefore we are the parents, therefore we are the children. We are the seed and the tree and the ground from which the tree grows. (I had an anonymous visitor who started me thinking about seeds and trees.)

M. Yes.

There is a formlessness that is the highest "God"; and that out of that void emerged awareness. And once awareness came into Being, that awareness became the first Soul, the elder brother, the Creator of form and of all things... who is very aware that he came out of the formless, that there is a precursor to him, an energy that powers all things. But I know that I am not that Soul; I know that I came from that Soul. That Soul, that Being, is senior to me.

The expression "my Father in heaven" means several things to me. First, it is my Higher Self, the self that I am when I am in dream state, or when I die and go back to the other side; the self that is powering up this body called Mark. But my highest Father in heaven is my spiritual birth Father, my creator. But I could have a higher Father than that if my creator is not the highest of the highest. Follow?

S. Yes, I follow. It sounds kind of like a dualist view.

My question, is what is the highest of the highest? Where did it all begin? These are some of the greatest philosophical questions ever asked.

M. I am not qualified to answer these two questions. Yes, it is a dualist view. It is also a view of being One, that we are all One. Both are true. And, it is in between both. Centered. It's all about the center.

S. I'd like to be Awake and Aware like you. Eternally Aware.

M. I hope you can be better at it than me. :-)

S. I don't think that will ever happen!

M. Be careful what you wish for. :-)

In my opinion you have the ability to realize far more, in this lifetime, than you are giving yourself credit for. Why not give yourself some credit?

Don't you already have an inner 'knowing' or sense of the truth of this?

S. I feel like I have a knowing, but I haven't truly experienced it. Aren't I supposed to feel or see something? I guess I'm expecting to see lights or images when I close my eyes at night. Perhaps it's my expectations getting in the way.

M. Awareness and center lie in the direction of that feeling, that knowing. That's the direction.

Here is some advice I have received about this:
1. Relax
2. Stop thinking so much
3. Don't expect; just let whatever happens, happen

(This advice is very good, and truly works.)

But the thing is (here is my broken record running at full speed)... you have to have a teacher for the deeper experiences. They are the guide that says, "yes, that's the way" or "no, come back over this way", or "why are you getting so upset?" And so on. Are you despairing or hopeful?

S. Thanks for the steps. I am going to try to put them into use. I just have to remember them instead of being lazy and doing what seems to come natural, and unfortunately it's laziness that seems to come natural for me. And by laziness I mean that I might not relax right away, and I might be tempted to keep on thinking and expecting. But if only I can remember these steps I might be headed in the right direction.

Oh, to answer your question: I'm very hopeful.

M. Another recommendation is:

4. Don't put so much pressure on your self.

It's just a matter of repetitions. Just practice and chip away at it.

I don't want to make it sound like if you do these four things, that's the way to go about it. No, they are just mental/emotional attributes. Principles are the key.

S. It's just like with dream recall: Practice and sooner or later it will come natural to you.

Were you ever despairing? I have to tell you that I was despairing before... maybe a few months ago. But all that's changed now. I am hopeful and emotionally I don't think I could be any healthier.

M. Yes, I have been deeply despairing. And it still happens at times. Especially when I look at where I am, compared to what I am out to do; or when I look at what I’ve done. As Sensei says, it is only the hardest, most difficult thing in the world that you are wanting to do. There is nothing harder.

S. I think that despair might cause the hopefulness, which in turn drives us. It's just like what you said about having to be good and bad. It's part of the balance of things.

M. Yes it is. To be successful in overcoming despair, I reach for hopefulness. Hopefulness brings higher values into focus. Once I can see a higher value, I can start to transcend and overcome despair.

S. Like Yin and Yang. I think Hopefulness is like Yang. Despair is the Yin. You can't have one without the other. At first there is despair, then hopefulness. And with hopefulness comes expectations, and when those expectations aren't met, despair introduces itself again. But hopefulness always comes back. It's like a sine wave.

M. Exactly. Perfectly stated.

The spot you are looking for is in between the yin and yang, between hopefulness and despair, between right and wrong. That spot is the center.

S. Ah... I see now. :) So that's what you meant by being "centered". I like it when everything becomes clear. :)

M. It’s a great feeling. So how does the term 'centered' take on a new meaning for you?

S. I'm not going to look too far to the left or too far to the right. I won't despair too much or hope for too much, and the same goes with expectations. I will be more relaxed in my approach. I won't think too much on things but I'll think just enough.

M. Yes, and sometimes I will have to think a lot about things, and there will be times where I will have to go all the way to the left, or all the way to the right. Sometimes I will need a lot of hope or even a ton of despair, but in all that I do I will strive to do what is balanced and centered for the situation and for me. And I will strive to be balanced and centered within my self.

S. That sounds better than what I said. In order to have balance you have to have equal weight on both sides. :)

M. Sometimes. Sometimes I have to lean to one side to catch my balance. Sometimes I have to move way over to the left so a car won't hit me. Everything is relative to the center and being balanced, and everything has a center no matter where you are in the relative sense.