This wasn't exactly what I'd call a pleasant dream, so if you're here for something cheery, cover your eyes. It's actually a nightmare, and is what I'd call a "rape dream".
I am laying spread-eagled on the ground. There is a man on top of me, holding my legs down with his legs, and holding my hands and arms down with his hands. His full weight is on top of me. Strangely, he is forcefully sucking on my cheek. In the pit of my stomach I feel fear. (As far as I remember, my clothes were on.)
This wasn't exactly what I'd call a pleasant dream, so if you're here for something cheery, cover your eyes. It's actually a nightmare, and is what I'd call a "rape dream".
At the moment, my cat Peachy is laying on my right shoulder - as she does every night when I am on the computer - holding on to the back of my shoulder with her front claws, her back paws upon my bosom, supporting her. She is purring, and I nestle my lips in her fur and give her kisses. This may sound strange, but I always love to smell my kitties; they each have their own unique smell. Sometimes their scents are so fresh, as if they had just taken a bath. I've even thought a few times that they smell like flowers.
You guys are going to have to forgive me. I always make excuses so of course that's what I'm going to do now. I have gone from being bored at work with nothing to do, all the way to extremely stressed from having too much to do. As if work was not enough, the holidays are here and so many other things have been going on.
I know you don't come here to listen to me complain, but that is exactly what I am doing. I can't visit blogs and I know there's supposed to be fairness - you visit me and I visit you, you comment on my blog and I comment on yours - but I just don't have the time right now. So please please please forgive me for that. I will still occasionally post items on my own blog because it is my diary, albeit a public diary.
As for comments, I am so far behind that I cannot catch up, so I apologize if you've commented recently and I haven't responded. I have read all of them though and I always do. I'll try to respond here and there as time permits, because I do crave interaction online; it sure beats the superficial non-spiritual interaction of the offline world.
My main goal at this point is to try to remain spiritual even though I'm being dragged back into the unreal "real world". Being so busy, it is easy to get caught-up in the mundane again and life goes on just as it did before my spiritual journey. There are no elations, nor is there any bliss, but I am currently very content and I couldn't ask for any more. On a side note, I am starting to experience anger and this may be the direct result of coming back down from my obsession with spirituality. Of course I'd love to be back in the warm embrace of love and light, but if time has anything to do with it, I don't have enough to maintain things.
I need to start to make time for myself to cuddle up with a book, any book, as I haven't read a full book in a year or more, and that is something I miss doing. I also haven't been creating art since April of this year, and some of the people who have admired my work have been asking when they can expect to see more. I have been feeding my internet addiction at an unhealthy level and it's time now that I start to spend less time online. To do so requires that I stop surfing blogs so much. I will still check my email obsessively, though, as I always do.
Chances are, after things settle down, weeks from now or maybe even a month or more, I will be participating in the blogosphere as much as I used to.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. A British teacher could get flogged 40 times publicly because her seven-year-old students named a teddy bear Mohammad.
I have only brought up the news one other time on my blog and that was when archeologists unearthed a couple of skeletons that were holding each other in an embrace.
You surely know that I am accepting of all religions and philosophies even though I claim no religion of my own. But this is one of the reasons Islam has such a bad wrap in the minds of white anglo-saxon Protestants and many other westerners. If they want people to convert to their faith or to be more accepting of it, this is not the way to get it done.
I urge all Muslims to support the release of this woman. This borders on insanity and if the Sudanese religious men have any brains in their head, they would know that Gillian Gibbons had absolutely no intention of insulting their Prophet.
If anything, Mohammad should be pleased that children think so well of him to name something after him. The truth is, Ms. Gibbons and the children weren't even naming the teddy bear after the Prophet; they were naming it after the most popular boy in class, whose name is also Mohammad!
Tonight, I am flabbergasted and angry.
I was really in a poetry-writing mood tonight. Words haven't flooded my gates like this since late 2004 / early 2005. It's hard to describe but it's almost as though a door in my heart opened and instead of thought I found myself surrendering to feeling.
This weekend I will respond to all comments that have been acknowledged by me but not properly replied to.
I will probably read this in a podcast soon just to put voice to heart's words.
here i engage in thought while lost in a spiritual circle.
this has everything to do with insanity and nothing to do with awareness.
so long have i adapted to illusion when i should adopt new sight.
am i in a position to seek union with the divine
while i am stuck in a body built of nothing but flesh and desire?
my supernal needs are insatiable yet i fill myself full of nothing but waste.
might i further resist the poverty of my own weak soul?
so many false prophets are eager to be my master
yet i only desire to be witness to One who speaks Truth.
be sure that when i discover him i will embrace him.
then will i drink from the fountain that spills vitality
and i will arise from this cradle of thorns that have pierced me.
I felt bold tonight, so I did a longer reading. This is the first chapter of Khalil Gibran's _The Prophet_. I followed Seigfried's recommendation and used mp3Gain software, so make sure your volume isn't turned up too high or you may be in for a surprise; it's not as quiet as usual. Also, I'm sorry, but I sound like a drone when I read. I'm not quite comfortable enough yet for longer casual chatting on microphones, so my introduction is short. Oh, and as you can tell, I worry too much about what people think of me.
Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for. I've never said thank you to any of my readers. You've taken an interest in my blog, and therefore also in my life and my spiritual journey. By being here, you've become a part of my journey. Some of you have made yourself known to me by either commenting or emailing or both. We have forged some nice friendships. I have spent a long time - almost three years - looking for a spiritual teacher. When I set this blog up in February, you all became my teachers, and I have learned a lot from you through our interactions. I may never find a personal teacher to call my own, but who needs one when there is such a knowledgeable circle of people who not only take an interest in what you go through in your day-to-day life, but also take an active role in that life. Some of you are quiet and say nothing at all, quietly watching, maybe with interest, maybe with disbelief that some crazy woman openly reveals her innermost thoughts, but still, you are here. This blog, your blogs and the interactions that go on in comments and emails (when I keep up with them) are a big part of my life. I mostly live a private life, and I don't socialize much, because I know of no one in my locale who shares the same interests with me, or who would even understand me, but my social needs are met here, online, and who cares if that makes me a nerd or a recluse or even if it means I'm addicted to the Internet.
Anyway, I'm not alone. Thank you.
(OK, end of sappy presentation. You may resume your activities!)
For the past couple weeks work has been busy, and my daytime work hours were usually the time I did my blogging, i.e. visiting other blogs, posting to my own blog and responding to comments and emails. Now, that is no longer an option to me and it appears we'll be busy for quite some time to come. This leaves me the evening hours when I'm at home and since we've been painting the computer room, taking out the carpet and installing new Pergo flooring, we'll be busy during the evenings, too. In addition to this I've started another very-part-time job doing secret shopping and this has taken-up some of my otherwise disposable time. I've never really mentioned my career on this blog, but for anyone who wants to know, I'm a statistician. My job is weird in that I can go literally months without a single project to work on, and then all of a sudden everything starts flooding through the gates and my desk is all cluttered with piles of paperwork and my to-do list includes making too many phone calls to count. I won't complain about my job, though, because I'm satisfied with the pay and the benefits are nice, too. When I have work to do I'm satisfied and very content and this seems to keep my depression at bay. I've noticed that my episodes usually come during the stints where there is no work to be done. Apparently I like to be occupied most of the time.
Oh, another thing, I used to use my free time at work to listen to audio books and other audio files but now I'm having to concentrate. I can still listen a bit here and there when I'm doing mindless tasks, but when what I'm doing requires my thinking skills, I have to put my listening on hold. Yes, I still have a few audio books that I'm in the middle of. Good thing is, though, I haven't forgotten what the books are about so I can easily start where I've left off and then I can come to this blog and tell you all the goodies I've learned about!
I know I'm behind on comments again, but as soon as I get some free time to relax, I'll be back to socializing just like I love to do. This of course means that I am not ignoring anyone! And in case you want to know, it drives me nuts that I can't participate here as much as I like to. I hope I can catch-up soon. Don't be afraid to say hi, though, or to comment on anything you like. I promise that I will get to it and I absolutely love and enjoy the conversations I get into with you all. Yes, Sophia's ego loves the interaction.
Have a great Thanksgiving week if I don't get back to post before then. The holidays are amongst us and that means lots of crazy shopping episodes to come as well as lots of holiday cards. Oh goodie.
Bye for now.
I'll be back.
I just realized that two posts down I posted to the blog at 11:11am. I never did figure out why it excited me so much to see that number, but it's been coming back lately, for the past two weeks. They say all sorts of things about it on the Internet: gateways, angels, messages, etc., but maybe my mind just likes patterns and so notices it more often, especially when I'm hyper-aware, and what could be more of a pattern than four ones standing together?
I forgot to mention a couple dreams I had last week, on November 4th. In the first dream I remember, I was going to a campground. I stopped at the little post office building there and checked out some mail sitting on a table that stood on the outside in front of the building. I saw some mail that had been sent by me to my mother at the campground. It was still waiting to be delivered to her. I went into an auditorium and sat beside my stepmother. The lights went out and a film came on the big screen in front of us. It was a political message from some politicians. I don't remember what it was about. After the film was over, a voice came over the announcement system. It asked, "Raise your hand if you would like to see three become one." I looked beside me and saw my stepmother raise her hand, as well as some other people sitting in the auditorium. I didn't raise my hand. After everyone put their hands down I regretted not putting my hand up, because I wanted to see three become one.
The second dream was lucid, I think. All I remember is that I was watching a balding man with a pot belly sitting in a folding chair. It was lucid because I remember making him say certain things. I can't remember what I made him say, but in my dream I thought it was exciting that I could make him say anything I wanted.
"Life evolves out of Matter, Mind out of Life, because they are already involved there: Matter is a form of veiled Life, Life a form of veiled Mind. May not Mind be a form and veil of a higher power, the Spirit, which would be supramental in its nature? Man's highest aspiration would then only indicate the gradual unveiling of the Spirit within, the preparation of a higher life upon earth." ~_The Future Evolution of Man_, by Sri Aurobindo, Chapter I - The Human Aspiration
What would Spirit want to do with mind?
What exists that has no purpose?
"Thought does not originate in the brain, nor is it created by the brain. And it is the mind which remembers, not the brain cells. It is the Ego, the "I," which thinks; mind is the substance which "I" uses, and thoughts are the tools. Thoughts are transmitted to the brain from the mind, and it therefore follows that the brain influences and determines the type and quality of thoughts received." _Life and Its Mysteries_, by Frank L. Hammer, 1945, chapter II "Mind"Do bees have ego? (See comments from "A Students Work" for more information.)
I know how easy it is to quit when I don't see sudden growth or obvious changes when I am working on something. Perhaps this arises from boredom or lack of interest, even when the goal seems most desirous. I am admittedly guilty of this. It's like quitting a project before one is finished. Yep, I do that. Guilty as charged. I wonder how one can overcome this habit?
...innocent and ignorant pupils as are not content with natural evolutionary methods for the awakening and satisfying of desire and ambition. The quiet, unostentatious movements of the slower processes of normal growth are "a weariness to the flesh" ; consequently, many are on the qui vive for something new-something that shall stimulate more rapidly the development of their psychic centres. ~Teachings of the Temple
I have lately been a little mundane on my blog, and for that I apologize. I am simply an unenlightened human with a long way to go before I ever achieve anything remotely similar to spiritual maturity. I have learned that some of you have become uninterested in my blog due to my lack of spiritual posts in the recent days. I would argue that I'm not really out to gain anyone's acceptance and that I'm just here to be myself, but I do enjoy the interpersonal relationships formed here and I wouldn't want to run anyone off by my banal posts.
With that said, here is a clipping from a book I've been skimming through tonight.
I think the important point to take note of here, is that we err when we attempt to see outside all of this. There is no outside. It's all in here, in this. Everything is inclusive. I say "we" because I have made this error myself.
THE MEANING OF LIFE--this is the eternal theme of human meditation. All philosophical systems, all religious teachings strive to find and give to men the answer to this question. Some say that the meaning of life is in service, in the surrender of self, in self-sacrifice, in the sacrifice of everything, even life itself. Others declare that the meaning of life is in the delight of it, relieved against "the expectation of the final horror of death." Some say that the meaning of life is perfection, and the creation of a better future beyond the grave, or in future lives for ourselves. Others say that the meaning of life is in the approach to non-existence: still others, that the meaning of life is in the perfection of the race, in the organization of life on earth; while there are those who deny the possibility of even attempting to know its meaning.
The fault of all these explanations consists in the fact that they all attempt to discover the meaning of life outside of itself, either in the future of humanity, or in some problematical existence beyond the grave, or again in the evolution of the Ego throughout many successive incarnations--always in something outside of the present life of man. But if instead of thus speculating about it, men would simply look within themselves, then they would see that in reality the meaning of life is not after all so obscure. IT CONSISTS IN KNOWLEDGE. All life, through all its facts, events and incidents, excitements and attractions, inevitably leads us TO THE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING. All life-experience is KNOWLEDGE.
~TERTIUM ORGANUM, THE THIRD CANON OF THOUGHT, A KEY TO THE ENIGMAS OF THE WORLD, by P.D. Ouspenksy, CHAPTER XVIII
Nothing happens that is not of everything that is.
Here's another attempt at poetry. Short and sweet, and an audio file to go with it.
Around and around the face
One, two, three... sixty
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Midnight and noon
Morning and night
Isn't it funny to know
Mankind's greatest creation,
Isn't a thing at all.
There isn't a was
There's not a will be
All that is is......
But now even this
I've spent a week or so looking at various mobile phone plans. I really (badly!) wanted a phone like a Blackberry that would allow me to not only make calls, but surf the Internet as well. There is something appealing about always being connected to the rest of the world, even when I'm on a camping trip out in the forest at one of the local parks or sitting in a doctor's office. I almost settled on the Apple iPhone plan through AT&T today. Then I was settled on a T-Mobile plan that included a free Blackberry. In the end, though, I think I'm just going to stick to my Virgin Mobile prepaid cell phone. I haven't been using it much because I feel like I need to save my minutes, but now I have saved about $60 worth of minutes and they're just sitting there. I'd like to start talking to friends that I've met online. I'll just have to do without the mobile Internet, and if I need to buy more minutes for my prepaid I can afford to do that. My husband keeps telling me, though, that I can have the iPhone and voice/data plan. It's a hard decision! I just feel like broadening my horizons and meeting some of you on the phone. I'm ready for that. It would be good for me to break out of my shell of social anxiety.
As an interesting side note: We can make free International phone calls through Mobivox. http://www.mobivox.com
Anyway, if I do happen to buy a cell phone, I'll need to get talking so that I can use up all my prepaid minutes. I may just ask on my blog if anyone feels like talking.
I'm just in a chatty mood today.
Reading Mushtaq's blog today, I noticed he had a post with one of those cute little quizzes. I don't normally take these but I thought it looked like fun so I did so.
Just so you guys know, without question, I am Sophia, Sultan of Saturn. :)
|You Should Rule Saturn|
Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye.
You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature.
And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone must delve beyond your appearance.
You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life.
You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has passed.
I admit this sounds like me. It's difficult to understand me, unless you dive into deep waters. Similarly, I don't let many people in. I am friendly towards most everyone I meet, but only a few can ever really get inside me. Like the test said, once you're in, you're in for life.
Anyone else want to play?